The Adventures of JewBoy and Schnoozle

I Spy With My Little Eye....

2011-02-02T22:16:00.000-06:00

For those of you who watch Comedy Central, you may have seen a pretty funny bit recently on the Colbert Report about Sarah Palin actually being a Russian Spy. The evidence was was pretty compelling.

That made me think about spies. While you may think that spies are only in the movies to the likes of James Bond, I'm here to tell you they are real. I urge you...in these dangerous and sensitive times, be aware of your surroundings....recognize when things just don't seem right.

Here's a perfect example of an advertisement I received in the mail yesterday from the local JCC. (Jewish Community Center for those of you that aren't members of the tribe and familiar with this organization) I think the picture speaks for itself...

When Dreams Come True...

2011-01-26T12:25:00.013-06:00

Everyone has dreams. From the our adolescent years till our final days....we're always dreaming of something. However, often times, dreams don't exactly work out quite as we had hoped. I thought I'd take this opportunity to "illustrate" a couple of my dreams....and how they've turned out.

When I was little, bedtime was the worst thing ever. I did everything I could to avoid going to bed. I'd sneak out of my bed, I'd need a glass of water, I'd have to go to the bathroom...whatever I could think of. Having no bedtime is the dream of many kids. I don't know exactly what they are expecting, but it usually goes a little like this....

The Dream....No Bedtime!!!

The Reality....

P.S. It's a couch. I'm not an artist...deal with it.

On to the next one, the fancy car. Every teenager, even some adults dream of owning and driving a fancy/luxury/sports car. Here's how that dream pans out...

The Dream...

And....the reality.

So to everyone out there, don't be discouraged, follow your dreams. Just grab a cup of coffee on the way and don't forget your wallet.

Little Miss Quoted...

2011-01-12T21:22:00.004-06:00

There's a lot of famous quotes out there. Some are inspirational, some are funny and some are sad. I thought I'd take this opportunity to share a few lesser known quotes from some well known people.

Whispering to his friend upon first sight of Rihanna- "I'd hit that" -Chris Brown

After seeing the "leaked" photo he allegedly sent- "Aren't things supposed to look bigger on camera?" -Brett Favre

Responding to his accident and behavior- "I plan to work on my driving, I've been focusing too much on my putz" -Tiger Woods

"Oh man, does anyone else feel really ill all of a sudden" -hundreds of birds in Arkansas

During his first appearance as a judge on Iron Chef, with chicken as the secret ingredient- "This tastes just like ear". -Mike Tyson

And my favorite of all time....

At Intern orientation at the white house- "I was thinking we could try a little political role play......I'll be Fidel Castro, and you can be the Humidor." -Bill Clinton

The Longest Mile...

2010-11-11T21:26:00.006-06:00

I'm back. Took a little break cause we had lots going on, but I'm going to try to get back on this more regularly. Gonna try a few different things too....some different writing styles, maybe some poetry, alternate music lyrics, basically anything I feel like doing. After all, it's my blog, so I'll do what ever the hell I want.

Tonight is going to be an open opinion letter to the airlines....specifically their reward programs.

Dear Airlines,

Your reward programs are a steamy pile of loose bowel movement. For those of you not familiar with these programs, here's the basics. You sign up and get credit for every mile flown. Typically when you reach 25,000 miles, or 25 flights, you get elite status, 50,000 or 50 flights, you get premium elite and 75,000 or 75 flights and you are ultra premium. It varies by airline, but for most of the major ones, that's close enough. Sounds great right? No, not at all. There are so many tragic flaws in this that I could write for days. But, I'll keep it brief and then explain how I have come up with a far superior method.

Here's the problem:

Person A buys a super saver discount ticket for about $225 and flies to Miami from Seattle 4 times in a year. The 4 trips are on time and everything is good. Congratulations, you've flown over 25,000 miles and you've earned elite status...and enough miles for a free ticket that could very well be valued at over $500. And....it was done in a total of about 36 hours of travel time and cost you a whopping $900 to do it. For the remainder of that year AND the entire next year, you get to board early, don't have to pay for checked bags and enjoy a variety of other benefits.

Person B flies from NYC to Boston, Toronto or Detroit almost every week for business. They take a total 48 flights and receive 24,000 miles ( less than 500 mile flights are rounded up to 500...how generous) and still don't have enough miles for one free ticket. In addition, shorter business flights like that are usually very expensive....in the $400-$1000 range. So, person B spent well over 150 hours traveling, encountered countless delays (US Customs being one of them) spent well over $15,000 on tickets and has the exact same level of "Eliteness" as Person A.

That, my friends, is horse shit. Wet, hay-filled, stinky, splattered all over the pavement, horse shit.

So, as usual, I've solved the problem. Frequent flier miles aren't a reward for loyalty to an airline....which is what these programs claim to be. Now, Travel Minutes (TMs) .....that's a reward for loyalty.

Here's the program:

You get one point for every minute you spend "traveling". So, if your flight is scheduled to take off at 2:00pm, and land at 4:30pm, (150 minutes of flight time) you can expect 150 TMs. If you are delayed one hour from your expected 2:00pm departure and land at 5:30pm, you can expect 210 TMs. (150 scheduled +60 min delay = 210 TMs) Makes sense right? You get rewarded for flying the same airline, but more importantly, you are rewarded more as the level of inconvenience increases...and it will, trust me. After you've reached 2500 TMs, (which is about the equivalent of 25 short to mid length flights) you're elite and now receive 2 TMs per minute spent traveling, 5000 TMs = premium elite and 3 TMs per minute, and Ultra elite = 7500 Tms and 5 TMs per minute. It's the perfect way to reward our most loyal and most inconvenienced passengers fairly.

I really should just be in charge of everything.

Say Cheese!

2010-03-10T16:59:00.004-06:00

So for all of you that thought I was crazy with my Breast Idea Yet, it could be worse. While I wanted to make a commercially available breast milk product for babies, this guy decided to do this....

While they may joke about a Ben and Jerry's flavor ice cream. I had a similar idea. I think frozen breast milk Popsicles could be great...especially for teething babies. Cha Ching $$$$

Hold it. now....Hold it now...

2010-03-03T18:53:00.003-06:00

Got a quick one for you today, just a bit of Wisdumb. If you are ever faced with some sort of task that you have to complete and need to complete it fast, do it when you have to pee really badly. You will be amazed at how fast you can get it done. Don't believe me? Go ahead, try it. Drink about 4 glasses of water. Wait about 2 hours. Now, when you feel like you're about to burst, go sort the laundry and start the washer. I guarantee you'll do it faster than you ever have before. And....if don't make it....just throw your pants in with it.

NO FATTY CHICKS!! (or Fat Dudes)

2010-03-02T18:20:00.001-06:00

I had the pleasure of visiting Winnipeg, Canada on Wednesday night for a work meeting. For those of you that aren't familiar with Canadian geography, (In other words...pretty much everyone that lives in the US) Winnipeg is about 200 miles north of Fargo, North Dakota. (Yes, that same frozen tundra Fargo featured in the movie Fargo.) Right here to be exact. I stayed in the historic, Fort Garry hotel. It's a very old, beautifully restored hotel. Apparently it used to be a very popular railway hotel. One thing was for sure, the rooms were designed prior to the invention of fast food restaurants and current unhealthy lifestyle of many americans. See the video for details..

Luckily for me, even though I currently suffer from a mild case of Muffin Topitis, (medical term for one suffering from the existence of muffin tops) I was able to squeeze in sideways. However, just about anyone that you might see shopping at Wal-Mart or eating at Old Country Buffet wouldn't be so lucky. Perhaps the hotel offers sponges and buckets to meet the needs of these overly insulated guests?...Maybe there is a large room with a fire hose somewhere? I'm glad I didn't have to ask.

There....I fixed it.

2010-02-28T23:12:00.006-06:00

I've always considered myself a fairly handy person. Considering I did manage to get a degree in engineering, I should be. So, I found this to be particularly amusing. Some of you may have received the email forward titled "There, I fixed it." It's a series of pictures of "fixes" other people had made that, let's just say, were focused much more on function than form. I put some of my favorites into this little collage. I encourage you to click on the image so you can see a larger version of it.

This brings us to yesterday. While returning to our car in the parking garage, I came across this gem. Again, click on the image to see it larger.

Clearly, the owner of this vehicle was in some sort of accident that destroyed the front driver's side of their vehicle. Deciding that the cost to properly repair the damage was too much, they fixed it themselves....with what appears to be a cut up Rubbermaid tote. Note the attention to detail that was made to have these random pieces of plastic fit properly. Also note the exquisite use of zip ties to hold everything together. And of course, let's not forget the must have ingredient to any half assed, botched, vehicle repair job....the duct tape. Bravo!

My Breast Idea Yet....

2010-02-25T21:44:00.005-06:00

Well, I've done it again. I've come up with yet another incredible idea. There has been a big movement lately for people to eat healthy, natural foods. I think it's fair to say that no food is more healthy, or natural, than breast milk. Now before you think I'm totally crazy...relax, I'm talking about for babies. While I'm sure there are some freakshow adults out there that have a breast milk fetish, that's not where I'm going with this post.

The first year or so of a baby's life is one of the most important for nutrition and growth. It's a well known fact that breast milk is just about the best thing you can feed a baby. This is clearly an untapped market. While many women would like to breast feed, they are either unable, or unwilling to do it. Maybe they can't produce milk, maybe it's too uncomfortable for them, maybe they don't want their bodies to suffer the traumatic effects that breast feeding can cause, maybe they just want to get back to their pre-pregnancy boozing...who cares? The point is, these guilt ridden (or possibly just selfish) are gonna be willing to pay top dollar to give their kids the best. And that's what I'm gonna give them. No more powder from a can for your little loved one...

I'd like to introduce:

Gourmammory Milks
The Only Gourmet, Packaged Breast Milks Available on the Market Today.

That's right, I'm talking about a full line of upscale, gourmet breast milk. Why not? Every other food is coming out in organic, natural versions, why not breast milk? These milks would be from a variety of lactating ladies, all closely supervised (by me of course) to ensure the highest quality of each of the varieties of breast milks. Each variety/vintage would come with a full description of the "donor" and their diet. The initial varieties would include milk from women with the following diets:

Meat Eaters
Vegetarian
Vegan
Organic
Raw
And of course...Kosher

Custom orders can be placed for any combination of the above from women of any age, ethnicity, or lifestyle choice. Applications are also being accepted for donors. Applications that do not include a picture will be ignored.

Whatcha Want? A Cookie?

2010-02-22T23:28:00.006-06:00

If there were an Olympics for Grandmas, I'm pretty sure baking cookies would be a major event. It's just one of those things that Grandmas seem to do. You may remember a previous post highlighting some cookies that my mother (who is also a Grandmother....so she counts too) had baked...and the amusing scanner story that accompanied it. Don't remember? Read it here.

Cookie baking, cookie decoration, cheek pinching, knitting, soup making, etc. All Grandma Olympic worthy events.

Well, tonight I would like to submit my candidate for the Grandma Olympics cookie baking event. This event highlights the quantity of cookies baked, variety of cookies and age of Grandmother. Grandmas would have 4 hours to bake as many cookies in as many different varieties as possible. Scoring would be as follows-

1 point per cookie baked.
3 points per variety of cookie.
The Grandma's age mulitplied by 5.

For example if a grandma baked 200 cookies, of 5 different varieties and was 70 years old, her score would be as follows.

200 cookies x 1 point each + 5 varieties x 3 points + 5 points per year of age (70) =
200 + 15 + 350 = 465 points.

I would like to submit the following contestant. While she isn't technically my Grandmother, she is the Mother of my Father's wife, so that's close enough. (She's also a legitimate Grandmother, of one grandson...so that makes it really official) As if that weren't enough, she's also 90 years old. That means according to my official Grandma Olympics scoring rules, she starts out with 450 points. If she baked a measly 16 cookies, she would have beaten the example Grandma above. But...15 cookies are no match for her. Don't believe me? Check out the evidence....

Consider this the qualifying picture. That is her freezer. Yes, it is an incredible, awesome freezer. And inside of that freezer in every single one of those Ziploc containers are cookies. All 30+ containers are jam packed full of cookies that she made from scratch. Did I mention she's 90!?!? The equally giant door to the right is the refrigerator. Each one is about 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide.

What more proof do I need? A freezer full of cookies is standard in just about any Grandmother's house. But I dare you to find one that's as big, or as full of cookies as this one. It's like the holy grail of Grandma freezers. Gingerbread, Almond Squares, Chocolate Chip, Butter, Fruit Filled....you name it, they're in there.

Mark your calendars, Minneapolis- 2011 The Grandma Olympics. Got a Grandma you want to enter? Send me her resume. Got an event you think is Grandma Olympic worthy? Post it in the comments.

And yes, Mom, you can compete.

When One Door Closes...

2010-02-16T19:06:00.003-06:00

So, I have decided to bestow upon you once again, more of my ridiculous ramblings. First, we'll start with a new philosophy that I have come up with.

Here goes:

I have decided that there are basically two types of people in this world. (besides men and women) You're either someone that does, or doesn't.....fart in a crowded elevator. (More specifically, a crowded elevator of strangers...cause we all know that if you're with a group of your friends....it's pretty hilarious) I mean really, what better way to separate people? You either give a damn about the people around you and have some semblance of manners and courtesy, or, you decide that the well being of the people around you is of no concern to you. Basically, you're either an asshole, or you're not. I just think this is a more creative way to describe it.

Since it's been a while, I'll spoil you with a couple of words of the day as well.

Inspousia: The inability to sleep without your spouse in the bed with you. As used in a sentence- "I've been traveling quite a bit lately and the wife is totally suffering from Inspousia. I'm gonna have to log some serious snuggle time or she's gonna be a total cranky pants."

Sinkoustics: The unexplained acoustic phenomenon that makes it absolutely impossible for you to hear what your spouse is saying while the water in the sink is running. It doesn't matter if they're right there in the next room...you'll be able to hear that they're talking, but be completely unable to hear what it is that they are saying.

And...on a somewhat related topic:

Conversinktion: The unexplained phenomenon that causes your spouse to wait right until the moment you turn on the sink to start to talk to you from the bedroom. This inevitably leads to...

Spouse 1: (Right as the sink turns on)- Murm murh murm murh..

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: Murmmm muhr mur murrrm murh..

Spouse 2: What?!?!

Spouse 1: Murhm mur murhm murh muhmm

Spouse 2: What?!?!?

Spouse 1: GOD! Nevermind.....jeez, you never listen!

F-ing Gym Tourists....Part 2

2010-01-11T18:06:00.005-06:00

Well here it is...the long awaited part 2 to my gym tourists post.

3. The Locker Room Exhibitionist- While I've only had experience with the men's locker room, (despite my efforts to sneak in to the women's) I'm pretty sure that this issue occurs with both sexes. These individuals insist on being naked any chance they get. This behavior isn't just limited to tourists, but it's heinous enough that it's worth mentioning. Usually, the older and less attractive the person, the more likely they are to be an offender. Shaving? Naked. Sauna? Naked. Conversations with other people in the locker room? Naked. Using the urinal? Naked. (AND barefoot....which in my opinion is almost worse than the naked part) Here's the deal. No one, I repeat, no one, wants to see your old hairy balls...Not even that creepy sex starved gay guy that's always lurking around the showers. The gym has stacks of towels everywhere...WEAR ONE. Basically, when I'm in the locker room, I want to change my clothes and leave. I don't want to have a conversation with you. I really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked. And...I really really really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked and doing your best "got a little captain in you" pose. Ewwww.

4. The slob- This one I just don't get. You're in a health club...not a frat house. These tourists seem to think that the entire gym is their bedroom floor. They leave their sweaty clothes and towels all over the floor of the locker room. They have towels on multiple pieces of equipment, they leave the weights, giant ball things and other equipment wherever they want. The other day I had to go through an obstacle course of magazines, newspapers, jacket and water bottle some Douchebag had all around the narrow aisle between the cardio machines.

5. The Budger- Taking turns...we all learned about it in Kindergarten. It's really not a hard concept. If someone is on a machine and using it, then steps off to rest, there is a good chance they plan on using it again. If you would like to use that machine, ASK THE PERSON IF THEY ARE DONE!!! It's not complicated. "ARE YOU DONE?" That's it, that's all you have to say. If someone has their towel next to a machine and turn their back for 5 seconds while resting between sets, that does not mean you can jump in and change all the settings on the machine. You can ask, "Mind if I work in?" and alternate....perfectly acceptable. But, if you just jump in and start doing your stuff and interrupt what the other person was doing, you're a tourist.....and an ass. Also, while we're on the topic, this goes for equipment that has multiple uses. For example, if someone is on the chin up bar doing chin ups, wait till they are done before you jump on the other side and start doing dips. Your fat ass shakes the whole thing and it's really distracting.

6. The Couch Potato- This is the final offender that I'm going to mention. This is the person that does 45 minutes on the most popular machine during peak time at the gym. The catch however, is that 5 minutes of it is exercising and the other 40 is standing there to watch the rest of the TV show that's on. The TV's on the machines are a convenience for the people exercising, not for just standing there and watching. Judging by your current level of physical fitness, I'm fairly certain that you have a perfectly good TV at home....and you spend plenty of time sitting in front of it. If you just want to watch TV, you don't need to put on all your fancy clothes, have a naked conversation in the locker room, get on your cell phone, and jump on the already in use tread mill that the person just stepped off to refill their water to watch that episode of Jersey Shore. Just stay home. Everyone will be much happier that way.

F#&king Gym Tourists....Part 1

2010-01-10T21:58:00.008-06:00

As I mentioned in Don't Stop...The Eating....Hold on to that feeeeeeeeling....., it's tourist season once again....at the gym. I've decided this topic needs to be addressed a little more formally.

For those of you who decided to jump on that New Year's Resolution bandwagon and "start working out", this post is for you. For all of you that have belonged to a gym for more than 10 days, I think you'll really appreciate this post.

Tourist season, as I like to call it, is that time of year when everyone and their brother decide to join a gym and start working out. Now some of them actually do it right and should be commended for their efforts. The other 98% however, are just assholes. See the picture above as an example... There's the idiot guy doing dumb bell bench press on the leg press machine, and the annoying chick on the cardio machine blabbing away on her phone at the top of her lungs about her latest life drama. These are gym tourists and their behavior should not be tolerated. This post will outline some of the worst gym tourist offenders, followed by some constructive suggestions for what these people can do to remove themselves from the tourist category.

1. The "super cute" sporty newbie- We've all see this piece of work. It's the guy or girl who just spent about $1000 on new running shoes, high end workout pants, shirts, a new ipod, sweatbands, and a variety of other workout apparel. Everything matches, and they look like professional fitness experts. However, when they are at the gym, they do just about nothing. A lap or two walk around the track, maybe try one or two of the weight machines....then it's off to Starbucks for a 400 calorie latte and a 30 min cell phone conversation with their BFF on what a great workout they had and how proud they are of themselves for going to the gym. As many of you may know, every gym has that one person that is a total, disgusting sweat factory. I think after that person finishes a 2 hour high impact spinning class, the newbie should have to wear that person's clothes and do the same workout that the Russian guy did in Rocky 4....that seems fair.

Here's my suggestion: Save your money. You get just as good of a workout in $5 t-shirts and shorts. Use that extra cash for a trainer so you have someone there to actually make you do something...and do it right.

2. The cell phone chatter- Sweet, Sea Parting Moses, get off the G-D phone! It's one hour of your day. I promise you that your life will continue without having that stupid phone glued to your head...or even worse...that retarded bluetooth earpiece. No one at the gym wants to hear your conversation...especially when you have to TALK EXTRA LOUD SO YOU CAN BE HEARD OVER ALL THE CARDIO MACHINES! No one wants to hear what you are blabbing about...and by the way, this probably includes the person on the other end of the phone as well. This offense is especially infuriating when the person is blabbing away on the phone while standing in front of one of the "NO CELL PHONE" signs that are hung all over the gym.

My suggestion: Work on your literacy before you work on your physical fitness. That way you'll know the rules at the gym and be able to read the labels on all the food you shouldn't be eating.

To be continued....

Leggo my Ego...

2010-01-01T22:33:00.003-06:00

So, from time to time, it has been suggested by people I know that I am a big fan of.....ME! I admit it, I'm a bit of an attention hog and have a healthy ego. I'm sure if any of you have ever read the comments posted by my mother, you have a pretty good idea of how this may have happened. Some may even say that I think the world revolves around me. Well, I have news for you. It does. Yup, it does. I had a feeling that many of you wouldn't believe me (with the exception of my mother of course). So, I have included video proof. Unfortunately, the recording was done on a phone and there is no easy way to rotate the video, so you're just gonna have to turn your head to the left. Deal with it.

Exhibit A: Watch closely and you will clearly see the entire world revolving...

Exhibit B: Just in case you think this was in any way altered or edited, I have a second video that proves without any doubt that it is in fact me and the world is revolving around me. It happens quickly...so watch closely. And no, it's not one of those things that is gonna scream at you or try to scare you.

Note: No trampolines were injured in the making of this post.

I'm a Poet....and I bet you didn't know it....

2009-12-23T20:00:00.000-06:00

I am officially a published author! Yep, you heard that right. A few weeks ago, my company sent out an email to everyone telling them about promotion they are running. They are asking customers to submit their best cost savings story from using our software. The best story wins a prize. I saw the email and thought...I bet I could write a story...in fact, I bet I could even take it to the next level and make it a poem. So I threw together a little poem and sent it to a couple people in the company. Next thing I knew, I got an email back from the Vice President saying he loved the poem and wanted it published on our corporate website in the Breaking News section. Several other "high up" people were in the email chain and all liked it as well.

Fast forward to today....and sure enough, there I am, with my holiday poem..."front and center" on the page. Enjoy! (Click on image for larger view)

Here's the poem.... It's a little techie...but I think most of you will get it.

A Holiday Poem . . . Based on Reality

It’s true. Something very strange can happen to people this time of year. Without realizing it, they are guided toward spreading cheer. Recently, Solution Consultant Jason Suss, based at our Eden Prairie, Minnesota office, found his head filled with an IT holiday poem. He wanted to share his inspiration with everyone, so here it is!

Twas the Day Before . . .

Twas the day before "go live" and everyone knew,
If the code didn't work, their careers would be through.
The code was reviewed and load tests were started,
With every metric precisely charted.

The results came back and they were relieved,
For all of their functional goals were achieved.
Only one final approval to put it in prod,
The manager signed off and gave it a nod.

The final milestone passed, the end was in sight,
The new code would be loaded on this very night.
The files were moved and servers rebooted,
How critical this was, no one disputed.

The servers were up, the new version alive,
The developer got a well earned high-five.
But all of them knew of the true test on the way—
The real end users the very next day.

A voice shouted out, trembling with fear,
"It's 8:00 a.m. the users are here!"
Screens flickered on, the work day had started,
Bringing the new app into territories uncharted.

That's when it happened, their nightmare came true,
All the phones ringing, not just a few.
"It's broken, it's slow,” the end users exclaimed.
IT was speechless and feeling ashamed.

Fingers were pointed with language explicit,
‘Till someone shouted, "So, how do we fix it?”
The manager looked up with a confident glare,
"There's only one thing to do, we call Compuware".

The Rockstars arrived, with laptops in hand,
Reports were created and metrics were scanned.
"We found the issue," Compuware cried.
The manager jumped up, mouth open wide.

"We know that your team all had its theories,
But look at this screen, it's these four SQL queries.
Get rid of the * and add this new string,
We guarantee that will fix everything."

The developer ran off to make all those changes,
The manager handled the financial exchanges.
IT was full of smiles and cheers,
"Thank you Compuware, you saved our careers!"

Fuzzy Thoughts....

2009-12-22T22:01:00.002-06:00

It's time for another edition of "Word of the Day"-

Today's word is inspired by the realization I came to today when I looked down at my sweater that was last worn under my fleece lined hooded sweatshirt (that I have affectionately named "Woody the Hoodie).

Lintagious- (Lin-tay-juss) The ability an article of clothing has to get lint all over any other piece of clothing it comes in contact, or even close to.

Used in a sentence- "Oh man, I forgot this white sweater was lintagious...Anyone have a lint roller for my black pants?" (Just for the record, I would never wear a white sweater with black pants...it just illustrated the meaning of the word better)

Hands Free for All?

2009-12-20T18:23:00.002-06:00

So, as many of you know, due to the dangers of cell phone usage while driving, many states have made cell phone usage while driving a punishable offense. In order to use a cell phone while driving, drivers must use some type of hands free device. My understanding is that this allows the driver to keep both hands on the wheel. It also helps the driver keep their eyes on the road and not looking away. There are signs all over the place that talk about using hands free devices while driving. Fair enough, I totally support this initiative.

This brings us to my thought of the day. If two deaf people are driving together in a car, should they be allowed to talk to each other? Oddly enough, I haven't seen a "sign" for that...

Thir Dee Won...

2009-11-09T22:27:00.003-06:00

Well today was the big day. I am officially 31 years old. Yeah, I agree, pretty old. On my flight to Sacramento last night (longest 3 and a half hour flight ever...ugh) I started thinking about the number 31. So, tonight is going to be an educational look into the number 31.

7 of the months have 31 days.

Baskin and Robbins has 31 flavors.

The average ruler is 31 centimeters long. (yes, if you round up just a hair...but it's more than 30, so it counts)

My waist is 31 inches. (I buy 32 pants cause I like a little extra room)

31 is a prime number.

31 is the country code for the Netherlands.

31 is the atomic number for the element Gallium.

While I agree this is not particularly funny as most of my posts aim to be....with age, comes wisdom....so I thought I'd share a little wisdom with you as some more age comes to me.

Jesus Saves.......And So Can You.....

2009-11-08T22:18:00.001-06:00

So I have come up with yet another million dollar idea. The big joke amongst my friends is how I have a knack for saving money on items I purchase....as you may remember from "Checkout The Savings". Well. I've decided to turn this into a real business. I call it.... Rent-A-Jew.

Here's the idea- You rent me, or one of my other certified J-Card carrying cohorts. You then let us know the item, or service that you are shopping for. We research the item or service using our network of "top secret Jew resources" and find you a better price. Our fee is a mere 25% of the amount of money we have saved you. For an additional fee, we will accompany you to the store if a live face-to-face negotiation is needed.

With Schnoozle's assistance I may expand this business to include Rent-An-Asian. This would be primarily for anyone needing assistance with math, fixing your computer, or learning how to use your new camera. They will come to you....provided that parallel parking is not required.

After the Fact....

2009-11-07T22:13:00.001-06:00

Putting on your turn signal after you have changed lanes is about a useful as wiping your ass before you poop. I know what you just did, I don't need the replay.

Jewbonified--- "I thought next time you could maybe let me know before you cut over into my lane?"

Ups and Downs....

2009-11-06T22:06:00.002-06:00

The top or the bottom of an escalator is just about the worst place possible to stop and figure out which way you need to go. (The same goes for those moving walkway things.)

P.S. Let's not leave out the people that stand right in front of the elevator or subway doors blocking the people trying to get out. God that's annoying.

In Good Taste...

2009-11-05T21:55:00.002-06:00

If the food you are eating is delicious, please offer me a taste. If it is horrible, please do not. Why do so many people have this completely backwards? "Ewwww....this is gross....taste this." Stupid.

A Tight Squeeze...

2009-11-04T21:49:00.001-06:00

Why is it that some women are able to fit a size 14 ass into a size 10 pair of pants, but are completely incapable of getting a 6ft wide SUV into an 8ft wide parking space?

Out of Pocket No More...

2009-11-03T21:41:00.006-06:00

So I know I've been "out of pocket" for a while, but no worries, I'm back. I have accumulated some good ideas and material. I'm gonna change it up a little though. The feedback I've gotten is that my posts tend to exceed the attention span of the readers. So, I'm gonna post shorter ones, but more often.....at least more often than I have been. In fact, there will be one new one every night this week. Let me know what you think of the new format.

So, here's today's...

A bit of "Wisdumb"-

Don't keep things in your shirt pocket that aren't waterproof. Specifically, toilet waterproof. Any man that has ever leaned over to lift the toilet seat knows exactly what I am talking about.

So? What did "Jew" do?

2009-11-01T10:33:00.004-06:00

So, I'm sure you're all wondering how the furniture decision turned out. Here's what I did...

I called the first buyer and told him there was a lot of interest in the furniture and that I had several offers for more money than the price we agreed to. I told him that I would still honor the agreement we made, but I would not be at all flexible on price or pick up date/time. He understood and appreciated that I would honor our verbal agreement. He showed up right on time with his older brother and they removed and carried all the furniture to the U-Haul...without scratching or denting any walls or floors. He was no older than about 20 and was moving into his first place....hence the need for the furniture. He thanked me very much and said that he really appreciated that I honored the $200 price. He said he wanted to pay me the extra $100, but didn't get paid till the following Friday, but could bring it to me then. I was very impressed with the gesture, but told him not to worry about it. I said I was happy that I could help out a young guy that was just starting out and he'd get more out of that $100 than I would. All in all, I felt pretty good about it. In addition to that...I'd also like to say that I'm impressed with my circle of friends and readers. Pretty much everyone I talked to said to honor the verbal agreement and not back out on it just for the extra $100.

They say people are judged by the company they keep...so I'm thankful that I have friends like that to keep me looking good. :-)

Who would have ever thought I'd write a sappy feel good post on this blog....Ewwww. I'm gonna go wash my hands. Stay tuned for some new bloggings...we'll be back to the funny stuff soon.

What Should "Jew" Do?

2009-10-29T13:15:00.004-05:00

I know it's been a while since I've posted....and I promise that I will begin posting again. But, right now, I need your help. You, my loyal readers need to help me with a very difficult decision.

Here's the situation:

We are selling some bedroom furniture. I put an ad on Craigslist for the furniture for $200. That evening I received a call from an interested buyer. He promised to purchase the furniture and pick it up this Saturday. He has already reserved a U-Haul and confirmed the pick up. I agreed to wait until Saturday to sell it to him. I edited the ad on Craigslist to say "SALE PENDING" Should be easy right? Nope.

Today I received the following email:

Hey there,

I know this ad says "Pending Sale" but it's sooooo exactly what I'm looking for! I would be willing to pay $300 cash and pick this up at your earliest convenience. I live in Shakopee and it doesn't take me long to get to uptown from here.

If you can respond and let me know if this is still available and if we can work something out, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Carlos

So I am torn between the following decisions...

1. Do I honor my verbal agreement with the first buyer for $200 and be an ethical person?

2. Do I revert to my heritage and take advantage of the better deal and the extra $100?

3. Do I make it interesting and offer the furniture to the first buyer for $250, but include the name and email address of the buyer that is willing to pay $300? Win-Win for the both of us... I make an extra $50 from the original deal and don't feel so torn about my morals and honor....and, he gets to decide which he wants more-the furniture, or the nearly guaranteed $50 profit for flipping the furniture....maybe he could even ask for more...he does already have a U-Haul and could deliver it....that's added value.

To you, my loyal followers, I need your help!! Please comment with your thoughts and ideas. ASAP!

To the front, to the front....to the back, to the back....

2009-09-03T23:09:00.016-05:00

So as I alluded to in my last post, I had a couple of ideas for a shirt and a bumper sticker.

As I mentioned in Mammary Mythbusting, men love boobs. Men also love staring at boobs. Trust me, I know this from experience...lots and lots of experience. In fact, I got caught staring at a set by my mother when she was visiting. (AWKWARD!) We were at Target and the women next to me in line (a new mother...and you know what that means...nice and full) was wearing a tight, thin tank top....and going commando. It was odd, despite the warm weather, she appeared to be very cold...if you know what I mean. My mom called me out and said..."Do you think you could have been a little more obvious?" Whatever...if you're wearing a shirt like that with your high beams on...you lose all right to complain about guys staring at them. Anyway, I digress. I'm pretty confident that women are not a fan of this. So, as a way to repent for my obvious gawking, I designed them this shirt.

While I realize this is only appropriate for a subset of all the women out there, don't worry, I have designs for the others. Canadian and not so well endowed? We could have Eh! cups. As in, Stop staring at my Eh! cups....Eh! Or, for some of the marine loving Mamas, the cups would have a little picture of the ocean...for...you guessed it.."Sea Cups". D Cups and above....honestly, it doesn't matter what you wear...we're gonna stare.

Onto my next idea...

I've always loved cars. I've also always really enjoyed driving....and then I moved to Minnesota. Driving here is pretty much my absolute nightmare. I have seen people here do the most unbelievable things. They'll stop at the end of an on-ramp with their signal on and sit there trying to merge onto the 60mph highway. They'll make right turns from the left turn lane. They'll use the shoulder to pass on the right when the left lane is wide open...unreal. However, one of my biggest pet peeves is when you are in the right or center lane of a highway with the lane to your left wide open, and some douchebag comes flying up on your ass and tailgates you. Seriously, WTF? The left lane is wide open. I'd say 7 out of 10 times it's some wanna be tough guy retard. Women are also guilty of this behavior...but slightly less. So, I designed this bumper sticker for the guys guilty of this crime.

I mean, if you drive that way, it's really obvious enough. But, I figure we might as well call a spade a spade. So go ahead, tailgate me. You're just admitting to what all of us already know. Dickhead. For the girls...perhaps a "Tailgate me....if your ass looks fat in those jeans" would be a good one? That might do the trick.

Give yourself a bonus point if you read the title of this post and got the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

You get half of a bonus point if you read the line above this and now have the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

No idea what I'm talking about....click below and wait for 0:36.
Now Dip, Baby Dip!

More, More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 2 of 2...

2009-08-16T22:36:00.007-05:00

So I got pretty good feedback on my last round of Wit and Wisdumb...glad to hear it. Now it's time for the long anticipated part 2.

Here goes:

So, Schnooze and I are thinking about buying a new house. Naturally, we have been doing a lot of house shopping lately. One day while browsing through a house, I had a great idea.... If I were a thief, an open house is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I mean really, you can just walk into the house (many of which are totally furnished and still have all the home owners belongings in them) browse around, "case the joint" and plan your attack. I mean, all they have is some realtor sitting there to tell you how they just refinished the floors or something....then, you're allowed to roam freely through the house....alone. You could pocket anything you want, get a good idea of the layout, find out if the owners are living there or not, or even unlock a strategic window to make for an easy entrance late at night. The whole thing seems pretty risky to me. Of course, this post in no way condones stealing or breaking into houses....it's just a thought, that's all.

Here's a quickie...What happens if someone that keeps Kosher catches the swine flu?

As many of you know, Schnooze and I really enjoy cooking. As many of you may also know, I have a fairly large nose...which I do my best to keep as clean and tidy as possible. Now, on a different and soon to be related topic, you may not know that the inside membrane of your nose is very sensitive to capsaicin...the part of peppers that make them taste spicy. So, my advice to you is, NEVER pick your nose after cutting jalapenos...or any other spicy peppers. Wow! It's a really special type of pain.

And finally, here's one of my favorites bits of Wisdumb:

I pretty much go out to eat for lunch every day. I am also "fortunate" enough to work with what could very well be the two fastest eaters alive. So, it's pretty much a regular occurrence that they are completely done with their meal and ready to leave before I am even halfway through. Being cheap and wanting to get my money's worth, I always take the leftovers with me. Conveniently, our office has a refrigerator that I can keep my leftovers in until it's time to go home. However, it's very easy to forget about them. There were many occasions where I got home, ready for my afternoon snack, only to realize it was still in the fridge at work. Dammit! Well, I figured out the solution. Put your car keys with your leftovers. That way, you can't go home without the leftovers. Simple as that! Of course you may walk all the way out to your car only to realize you don't have your keys...but, at least you won't have to do it again on an empty stomach. Ah Ha! (Note: The picture above is my home fridge and used for illustrative purposes only. It's not the fridge at my office, so that should explain the beer.)

And there it is....Wit and Wisdumb part 2. Stay tuned for my T-shirt and Bumper sticker ideas.

More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 1 of 2...

2009-07-31T18:11:00.001-05:00

I spend a lot of time thinking. When I'm driving, when I'm at the airport, when I'm at a party, when I'm shopping...the gears are always churning with crazy thoughts and ideas. I've started collecting these thoughts. Anytime I have one that I think is good, I add it to the little list I've created on my phone. Now that I have a few of these together, I thought they'd make for a good blogging.

Here goes:

For the guys out there. How many times have you gone to a party, gotten a drink, put it down, turned around for a minute and when you came back, there were several identical glasses/cups on the table. Here's my suggestion. Look for one that has lipstick on it...and take that one. Why you may ask? Basically, if you're gonna swap spit with anyone at the party, it might as well be a girl. I mean honestly fellas, if you're at a party and had a few drinks, there's probably very few girls you wouldn't make out with anyway.

Next, for those of you that don't travel much...or even those of you that do, here's a little airport advice. Anytime you are going to fly, make sure you wear shoes with socks. All airports require that you remove your shoes while going through the security checkpoint. Do you really want your bare piggies touching the nasty, never- cleaned floor, where all those other people's bare piggies have been? I know I don't. It's almost as bad as the guys at the gym that use the locker room urinals and stalls barefoot. I really hope none of them travel.

Speaking of wardrobe suggestions, here's another. Like many people, I often wear a red shirt with khaki shorts or pants. It's a perfectly normal outfit. However, it's a huge mistake if you plan on shopping at a Target. As you may know, red and khaki is the official "uniform" of Target employees...and one of the few company uniforms that could also be a normal outfit. On two separate occasions now, I have gone to Target accidentally wearing this color combination. Both times I have been stopped by no less than three shoppers that asked me where certain items were located. (Now, had it been a Wegmans, obviously, I would have known. But, Targets are big stores with lots of items...and more importantly, I don't work there.) So...then I have this awkward moment where I have to tell the person I don't work there...which is then returned with one of the two following looks. 1. They look at me like I am lying to them because I am too lazy to help them, or don't know the answer. Or, 2. They look at me like "Well then while the hell are you wearing a Target uniform....idiot." I'm gonna just start telling people random aisle numbers.

And for my final thought... When you cross a one way street, do you still have to look both ways?

Stay tuned for part 2...

"Checkout" The Savings...

2009-07-06T22:40:00.006-05:00

And I'm back. I know, I know, it's been a long time...and for that I apologize. I've been pretty busy but will try to get back into it. One post a week is the current goal. So here we go, this one's packed with valuable info so read carefully....

So now that all of you are fluent in Jewbonics, it's time for your next lesson. Shopping...and the way of the Jew. Some of you may be familiar with a common stereotype about Jews being cheap. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not that we're cheap, we buy plenty of nice stuff. Drive by a temple on a saturday morning, there's no shortage of luxury cars. (American, Japanese, and Italian luxury cars of course, on account of the fact that the "Nazi bastards" make the rest of them) It's clear that we're not cheap, we're just better at shopping. Whether it's hunting down a good sale, maybe doing a little "negotiating" or of course, using the occasional coupon, (or as a few of my less culturally sensitive friends call them, "Jewpons") we usually end up getting a good deal.

Most sons and daughters have games that they play with their fathers. It could be playing catch, chess, basketball, whatever. My father and I had a bit of a different game. We would have receipt battles. Essentially, the competition was based on who could save the most money on a shopping trip to the grocery store. Now you may be thinking, "JewBoy, that's not fair, you worked at Wegmans (Greatest grocery store ever) and clearly had an advantage with your superior grocery store knowledge." While that is true, my father is a Certified Public Account and therefore, a very worthy adversary.

A typical phone call would go like this:

RING RING...

JewBoy: "Hello.."

Dad: "OK, are you ready?"

JewBoy: "I'm ready, let's hear it..."

Dad: "Grand total- Fifty six dollars and forty eight cents"

JewBoy: "Ok...and?"

Dad: "After coupons and Shoppers Club (or whatever the in store sale program was)....wait for it... Thirty one dollars and twenty two cents. A total savings of twenty five dollars and twenty six cents."

JewBoy: "Well done!"

I would then read off my recent shopping trip and we would see who had saved the most. Naturally, we converted the savings to a percentage to keep the competition fair.

So by now I know you are all thinking "JewBoy, that's incredible! How can I too, learn the way of the Jew when it comes to shopping?"

Well today is your lucky day, I'm going to let you in on a couple of secrets.

All you have to do is follow these four rules...

1. Read the price tags carefully, especially on the endcaps of the aisles. Large signs that say "WOW" don't mean the product is on sale. They're usually just the original price on a big fancy sign...no savings there. Skip those and go to the regular part of the aisle where the product is. There is almost always a different size or brand that is on sale.

2. Now that you've found an item with an actual sale tag, look to see what the sale is. Sure, 2/$3.00 may seem like a great deal, but not if the product is usually priced at $1.59. Wow, a whopping $.18 savings if you buy two...don't waste your time.

3. Spend the $1.00 for the Sunday paper...but only after you've checked it to make sure that there are at least two coupon sections. Every once in a while they don't put them in, so essentialy you'd be starting off at a $1.00 loss. Cut out the coupons for the stuff you normally buy, but may not necessarily need right now. Cereal, paper products and toiletries are best. Next time you go to the store, see if any of the items are on sale. If they are on sale, buy them. If not, hang on to the coupon till next time, sales typically rotate every week or so. There's a chance it will be on sale next time. I call this the "double dip". Not only are you getting the good sale price, but you get the coupon savings too. This is a killer strategy for receipt battles.

4. This one is the "Ancient Chinese Secret" of "the way of the shopping Jew"...and probably the most valuable. Grocery stores will often run "Buy One Get One Free" sales, or BOGO as they call it in the grocery world. While this is a good deal on its own, there is an even better strategy. Use a coupon in conjunction with the BOGO. But here is the super secret. Most people think they are buying one and getting one free. True, but...technically you are buying two and getting a discount equal to the value of the second product. So, you can use TWO coupons! AHA! Here's an example. Cereal is Buy one box for $3.59 and get one free. A good deal. But, you clipped the coupons for "Save $1.00 on any box of cereal". You have purchased two boxes, so you can use two coupons. That's $1.59 for two boxes of cereal! (And more importantly, a savings of $5.59, which will help ensure a receipt battle victory.)

For those that doubt my abilities, here's a copy of my receipt from a picnic we had last weekend. Click on the image to see all the glorious details of my savings....and I didn't even use any coupons!

I only paid $24.39 for an order worth $51.88. That's right, a grand total savings of $27.49. That's 53% off! Just think, if everyone could "save" like that, Jesus might get a day off.

Jewbonics-A Primer...

2009-06-07T22:21:00.008-05:00

I have always found language interesting. Not so much different languages, but the variations within one language. For example, if you ask someone in California what they call a sweetened carbonated beverage, they would say "Soda". Ask the same question in the mid-west and they'll say "Pop". Upstate New York, they'll call it "Soda Pop". A small area around Boston will call it a "Tonic". Anywhere around Atlanta will call it a "Coke"-regardless of flavor, Coke-Coke, Sprite-Coke, Orange-Coke...whatever. There's many more of these and if you're interested in learning more, check out this page. It's a great collection of regional pronunciations and names for things.

This brings us to today's topic:

Jewbonics- A Primer.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with Ebonics, the name for inner city slang primarily spoken by African Americans. Jewbonics is a similar phenomenon. While several Jewish words have become fairly ubiquitous in the English language, (Schmuck, Putz, Schlep and Schmutz...to name a few) Jewbonics isn't just about the words, it's much more than that. Jewbonics deals more with sentence structure, strategic placement of words, tone...and of course, passive-aggressive guilt. Let me explain...

We'll start with sentence structure. Jewbonics is actually kind of similar to how Yoda speaks from Star Wars. "Strong, with him, the force is." is a great example. Here's how it works with Jewbonics.

Example 1: Describing a girl.

Normal- "She is a smart and nice girl."

Jewbonics- "Such a nice girl she is...and smart too!"

Now let's move on to word placement, tone and the passive aggressive guilt.

Take the word "Maybe". On its own, it's perfectly harmless. "Are you going to the Party?" "Maybe." However, "Maybe" is one of the most cruicial words needed to Jewbonify a sentence.

Example 2: Your mother would like you to take out the garbage.

Normal- "Can you take out the Garbage?"

Jewbonified- "I thought maybe, you could take out the garbage?"

Notice what's happened here. The word "maybe" has been stuck right in the middle of the sentence. By doing this, it's almost as if the asker has challenged your ability to take out the garbage. Also, technically this is a statement. But, when delivered, the word "garbage" finishes with a higher tone (along with a raising of the eyebrows) making it a question. Go ahead, try it. You'll be amazed at how Jewish you sound. Also, by saying maybe, it adds the all important guilt. It's subtley saying "after all I do for you, how could you not do me this one small favor". It's really quite brilliant.

Another crucial word in Jewbonics is "Should". It's plays a similar role to "Maybe" by adding that sense of doubt...and of course guilt.

Example 3: A father comes home late from work to find that his family has eaten without him.

Normal- "I'm upset that you ate without me."

Jewbonics- "All day I work hard to put food on this table...And for this, I should eat a cold dinner?"

Notice there are a lot of the same themes; sentence structure, making a statement a question, the word dinner, (and the word I) of course would be spoken with a higher tone and raised eyebrows, etc. You can see why the word "should" is important. It's similar to the use of the word "maybe" in the previous example, but in this case, there is no doubt. He won't "maybe" have a cold dinner, he knows he will. Therefore, "should" is the appropriate word to use here, as he is challenging the reason why he is having a cold dinner, not if.

Finally, we'll discuss a more complicated example. This involves some of the strategies from above but adds the classic Jewbonic exaggeration.

Example 4: A child is treating her mother disrespectfully.

Normal- "That's not an appropriate way to speak to your mother."

Jewbonics- "9 Months I spent throwing up 4 times a day, and I should be treated like this? I thought just once you could show maybe a little respect?"

See how it all comes together?

So there it is, your first primer on how to speak Jewbonics.

After I spent so much time writing this post, I thought since you're already at your computer, you could maybe leave a comment? And would it kill you to click an ad once in a while?

The 100 "Daler" Blog...

2009-05-25T22:41:00.009-05:00

I'm back!!! I know it's been a while, but this post is a very special occasion and I had to make sure it was worthy. For those of you that have been following closely, you may realize that this is my 100th post. A sort of goal I had set for myself before I started all this. So, for the 100th post, I wanted to make sure that it was something truly fantastic. Fortunately, this weekend I had an experience that was absolutely 100th blog worthy. You're in for a treat....

Here goes:

About 10 years ago, I came across this video on the internet. Over the years it has become an internet sensation with over 9,000,000 views of just this one version. Some of you may have seen it, but for those of you that haven't you MUST watch it.

It's absolutely incredible isn't it? Hilarious. The costumes, the catchy tune, the music, and of course, the star: Mr. Daler Mehndi himself. Click on his name for some background info. He's pretty much the Justin Timberlake of India...an absolute Pop music sensation...idolized by millions. Seriously. It quickly became a favorite of my editor (Balls) and mine. We learned the song, we learned the dance, we loved it. When Schnoozle went to India, she brought me back Daler Mehndi CD's. It's on every iPod playlist I have. Ok, you get the point...we're a little obsessed.

So, what does this have to do with me, JewBoy? I'll tell you.

This weekend, Schnoozle and I went to DC for two weddings. The first wedding was for a girlfriend of hers from college. The man she was marrying comes from an Indian family. After the traditional Sikh ceremony on Friday, they had a huge party at the groom's father's house. Easily 200+ people. The entire basement was finished off as a bar and had to be at least several thousand square feet. It was a house party like I have never seen before. Live DJ, lights, food, food, food, some more food, Drinks (Including a custom made dispenser for the 2 gallon bottles of Johnny Walker Black that was flowing like the Nile) and of course dancing. Lots and lots of dancing.

The House: (Ignore my crappy merge of the two pictures, it was too big to fit in one picture)

Yeah, wow. And that's just the back of it.

Now, on to the best part of this post. Pictured here is one of the groom's relatives that was attending the party. Look like anyone you know?

About halfway through the evening (about 2 hours into the blasting Punjabi dance music) I felt it was appropriate to make a request for Tunak Tunak (the Daler Mehndi song from the video above). What did the DJ tell me? You guessed it, our Tourquiose Turbaned friend had just requested it...and it was coming on next. I had been waiting 10 years for this day. The day that would have the opportunity to show off my Daler Mehndi dancing skills. My day had finally come. Among 200 cheering Indians I got to perform Tunak Tunak, with what can only be Daler Mehndi's long lost identical twin brother. Now, you may ask, why is this 100th blog worthy? Well, I'll tell you. It's cause I have the whole thing on video. It's shitty quality, but I swear to you, that's me on the left. And yes, at approximately 49 seconds, I bust out the "thread the needle and pull it through" move, Twin Daler sees me, recognizes my skills and follows along. Unreal. It goes from there and the rest you can see for yourself.

Here it is:

As if that weren't enough, the following night they had their "big wedding reception". Yeah, the previous night's party was just the warm up. The "big wedding reception" was for 450 guests at a Marriott. Yes, 450...not a typo. It was absolutely rocking. Music blasting, lights flashing, the floor was actually bouncing from all the dancing. About 10 minutes after we got there, guess what song they played? Yup, Tunak Tunak. But this time there was a bonus. Apparently Twin Daler has a brother, Twin Twin Daler. It was a double dance off. The two Dalers (As seen clearly at about 55 seconds) went nuts and danced to the song. I, of course, was right behind them busting out my Indian dance moves. And yes, I have that video as well.

Here it is:

Yes, two Dalers, dancing together. Quite possibly one of the greatest moments of my life.

Here's a few more pics for fun:

Dancing with Twin Daler:

The heat is on and the jacket is off...

Twin Daler Round 2:

Don't forget Schnoozle:

The house from the front....It changed colors:

Happy 100th Post to you Blog.

Several Strategies of Successful Spouses and Significant Others...

2009-05-10T21:30:00.011-05:00

So as I come up on my 8th month of marital bliss, I find myself a much wiser man, with respect to women and relationships. I feel it is only fair to pass on this acquired knowledge to you...my loyal readers. Like my previous post about the mighty mammaries, I'll be speaking from the man's point of view. Here's what it boils down to: I think relationships have three distinct stages. The first stage I like to call Datopia. (Day-Toe-Pee-Uh) This is essentially when a couple starts dating and everything seems just perfect...a dating utopia. No matter what the activity is, both people agree to do it and have (or in some cases, pretend to have) a fabulous time.

The second stage I call Datfiance. (Date-Fy-Ence) This is when the man starts openly showing his lack of enjoyment of the activity in a defiant manner. For example, during Datopia the man will appear to show genuine interest as his significant other picks out clothes. He may even say things like-"Yeah, those pants look nice, I like the shirt too". Once he has entered Datfiance, as soon as they enter the store, he makes a B-line for the "Man Chair" that every women's store has just outside the dressing room. He openly refuses to assist with the shopping and has no remorse about showing his complete lack of interest. He passes the time by playing on his phone while babysitting the collection of shopping bags from the previous stores.

The third and final stage I refer to as Datvoidance. (Date-Void-Ence) Knowing what the activity involves, this is when the man "nips it in the bud" and flat out refuses to participate. For example- Her: "I'm going to the mall, are you coming?" Him: "No."

Unfortunately, Datvoidance isn't always an option. This is where today's lesson begins. These are my suggestions for how to best manage the Chicktivities (Common activities that chicks try to rope men into) that most men have no interest in. I'll list them by Chicktivity and the type of girl typically guilty of it.

1. The Bookstore- A favorite pastime of the Bookworm chick. This chicktivity involves spending countless hours walking around the bookstore looking at and buying books that will no doubt end up on the bookshelf unread like the 5 books she bought the last time you went there.

How to handle it- Most bookstores have an "Art" section. (I know what you're thinking...just stay with me.) The art section is divided into many categories. In most large bookstores, one of these categories is photography. While color pictures of naked girls in magazines is considered porn, (and usually sealed in those annoying plastic bags) black and white pictures of naked girls in hardcover books is Art. Jackpot! Sure, they're a little artsy-fartsy and you'll probably have to deal with the occasional hairy arm pitted naked chick that looks like she has squirrel's tail in a leg-lock. But, it sure as hell beats standing there while she thumbs through the latest novel from the author that wrote "The Devil Wears Prada". You get to thumb through the books where the chicks wear nada.

2. Reality TV- There's a lot of chicks out there that are reality TV junkies. If your girl is one of them, I got you covered.

How to handle it- There's no shortage of reality TV crap out there. Your strategy is to get her hooked on the right one. My suggestion, "The Girls Next Door". This E! series focused on Hugh Hefner's recent trio of blondes. That's right, behind the scenes of the playboy mansion. Sounds pretty good huh? There's a catch though...DO NOT WATCH IT ON E!. Those bastards censor all the good stuff. Pony up the $5 and rent the DVD's...they are uncensored. She gets all the reality TV she wants and you don't have to deal with the blurred out boobies and bootys. That's right, the DVD's show it all...and there's lots of it.

3. Shoe Shopping- I still haven't been able to figure out this obsession, but for some reason it seems to run rampant among most females. This really is one of the most painful of all the chicktivities.

How to handle it- It's time to call in the big guns. Get your girl a gay boyfriend. He's your pinch hitter for this, the most excruciating of the chicktivities. Every girl needs a gay boyfriend. Sure, hanging out with the girls is good, but that isn't always an option. With the gay boyfriend, she gets the feeling of being with a man, but with all the benefits of a girl...and there's no threat to you. Shoe shopping? He loves it. But it doesn't stop there. Her favorite musical comes to town...Hugh Grant has a new movie out...The local museum is doing an exhibit of fashion through the decades? Guess who'd love to take her? I'll tell you who, her gay boyfriend. All you have to do is pay for the tickets. She'll think you're so sweet for finding something she'd enjoy doing and you get to stay home on the couch keeping your balls adequately scratched. It's win-win.

Have a chicktivity you're struggling with? Feel free to ask my advice in the comment section.

Oh yeah...and click on the advertisements. After I gave you such valuable knowledge, it's the least you can do.

Mammary Mythbusting...

2009-05-05T16:37:00.005-05:00

This post is dedicated to something near and dear to all our hearts (and especially near to the women's hearts). That's right, Boobs. I will once and for all "lift and separate" what's factual and what's ficTITious about these bouncy, buxom beauties.

Myth- "More than a handful is wasted."

False. Who came up with this line of crap? Wasted? Are you insane? Clearly this idea was invented by one of two people. It was either a flat chested chick trying to make herself and the rest of the No Titty Committee feel better about themselves, or it was a man who was never introduced to one of the greatest pastimes of all, Motorboating. Motorboating, for those of you that don't know, is the act of placing your face between a voluptuous set of boobies, then putting one hand on each, pressing them against your face and vigorously shaking your head from left to right while exhaling through your mouth. The sound made is similar to that of a motorboat engine....hence the name.

Myth- "If you've seen two, you've seen them all"

False....so, so, so very false. As one of my coworkers once so elequently put it. "Boobs are like snowflakes, they're all different and all beautiful in their own special way." I couldn't agree more. Whether big or small, round or flat, perky or saggy, the never ending variety of boobs has been separating men from their $1 bills and kept more single mothers employed than any other naturally occurring phenomenon.

Myth- "Men get tired of boobs."

False. Let me explain how this works. Imagine if you will, a typical man. He wakes up in the morning right before the sun comes out. He goes to a beach where he sits in a comfy lounge chair. It's important to note that this is a topless beach. In addition to that, it happens to be the most popular topless beach in the whole world. Oh yeah, and no other men go to it except for him. He sits there until the sun goes down watching an endless parade of beautiful topless girls walk by, play volleyball, splash around in the water and apply lots and lots of sun tan lotion. When it gets dark out, he packs up and heads home. On the way home he stops at the grocery store to pick up a couple of things. While standing in line at the register, the women in front of him wearing a V-Neck shirt turns around (now facing him) and leans over to remove an item from her shopping cart. I guarantee that he will do everything in his power to sneek a peek down her shirt. Why? Because it just never gets old.

Myth- "She's got fake boobs."

False. People say this all the time. I stand by the following statement: If I can touch them, they're real. I would however, accept the following terms for surgically altered boobs.
-Aftermarket
-Store Bought
-Bolt Ons
-Implants

Additional terms may be left in the comment section.

Myth- "Those boobs are too big."

True. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate hefty rack as much as the next guy. However, with all things, there is a limit. Let's just say, if your bra and your husbands suit jacket are the same size, (46L perhaps?) it's time to get those babies taken in a little.

Note: No, those are not Schnoozle's boobs...Even I know better than that.

And The Oscar Goes To....

2009-04-28T19:14:00.009-05:00

ME!!!

Ok, maybe not. The absence of my recent blogging is about to be explained. Over the past few weeks I have written, directed, produced and even acted in my first real short film. This past week I was away for my company's annual sales kick off in lovely Detroit. My boss thought it would be fun to put together a short film that highlighted our company's product in a fun and entertaining way. Naturally, he came to me for my creative expertise. Together, with the help of some of my awesome friends, we wrote, filmed, directed, produced and even starred in the film. Our company's senior management loved it so much that they played it at the kick off on a giant screen in a huge room with over 500 people in the audience. They had us stand up when it was over and the crowd cheered and applauded. It was absolutely Awesome!!!

So? Do you want to see it or not? Click the link below to watch it on youtube. I strongly encourage you to click the HQ on the bottom right of the video window to watch the high quality version of the film. Also, you can click the button next to the HQ button to make it fill your whole screen. Here's the link!

Overview: Anyone who has worked in or with a large corporate IT department will get it. It's meant to show how awesome my company's product is and what it can do for you.

Note: The film is a fairly large file and may take a few minutes to load in youtube. Be patient, it's worth it.

Let me know what you think!!!

"Boyle" the Ocean...

2009-04-18T17:08:00.009-05:00

So unless you've been living under a rock for the past week or so, you've heard the name Susan Boyle. If you haven't, you absolutely need to watch this video. Even if you have seen it, hell, watch it again, it's good. She's become an international sensation. The video has been watched over 19 Million times on Youtube and the Facebook page created for her has over 700,000 members. She's pretty much a big deal and I think will continue to be one...Unless of course the whole thing is a hoax. I'm not saying it is...I'm just saying that it could happen. Anyway, in keeping true to my greedy nature, I'm trying to find a way to also benefit from her newfound success. People love to advertise things that they like. Don't agree? Go drive around any neighborhood. It's halfway through April and people still have their Obama/Biden signs up. Yeah, we get it, they won. This is one of the ultimate forms of Showvoting. 6 months after the election and you're still bragging about how your candidate won. Assholes.
Well, I think people are gonna want to show the world that they too, are rooting for Susan Boyle. I figure with 700,000 fans on Facebook, at least 1% would want to endorse her in some way. That's 7,000 potential customers. So, I came up with this great T-shirt. I figure I can make a profit of at least $5 a shirt. That's a quick $35k. Not bad. I could do more, but I don't want to "Boyle the ocean". Baby steps. If you've watched the video (like I told you to) you'll get it. If you haven't...Duh, watch this video.

Here it is: Let me know how many you'd like...

$$Cha-Ching!$$ And if you think she doesn't support me...I disagree. When I ran the idea by her, she sent me this:

Two thumbs way up. How could anyone not love this woman?

In the meantime...keep clicking those ads!!!!

Thinking Outside the Box...

2009-04-16T21:29:00.008-05:00

Some of you that attended our Jewsian Fusion wedding may remember the wedding cake cookies that my mom made. Well, she's at it again. She made some pirate shaped cookies for the birthday party of the son of a friend of hers. Here's a picture of the prototype cookie that she sent to me:

Pretty cute huh? I think so. Yes, I mentioned to her that a real pirate wouldn't be smiling, but this was a specific request from the mother as she didn't want them to scare the children. Fair enough.

Hopefully by know you're wondering where the hell I am going with this story...well here it is.

There is one minor detail I have purposely omitted. My mother does not own a digital camera. She also does not own a cell phone with a camera. This puzzled me, so I asked her...

JewBoy(11:42:25 PM): how did you get a picture?

Mom (11:42:38 PM): what picture?

JewBoy (11:42:43 PM): that you sent of the cookie

Mom (11:43:02 PM): Now don't laugh. I put the cookie on the printer (Note-when she says printer, she means the flatbed scanner part of the printer/copier/scanner)

Mom (11:43:11 PM): face down

Mom (11:43:35 PM): that is why it is a little smushed

How awesome is that? Normally I pick on my Mom for her lack of technological prowess. However, this time, I was very impressed. Using only the limited resources available to her, (The combo printer-copier-scanner I got her for Hanukkah one year) she came up with a clever way to obtain a digital picture to email to her friend. Good for Her! Apparently, along with insanity, technical ingenuity is also inherited from your children.

In case anyone finds themselves in a similar predicament, she sent me the following tips to pass on. I'd like to think they're common sense, but I've lived long enough to know that anytime you think something is idiot proof, someone goes out and manages to be a better idiot.

Hi JewBoy,

Just a couple notes in case you blog about my cookie pictures. There are a couple rules people should follow for scanning cookies.

1. Frosted cookies need to be frozen first or else the frosting gets all squished and messy.

2. Put the cookie very gently face down on the printer, and put a piece of paper over the back for a background.

3. Do not close the lid all the way or cookies will get mashed down. Hold the lid up a little until the scanning is over.

4. Remove cookie and wipe the screen thing so there is no greasy frosting left.

5. At this point you can either put cookie back in freezer, or just eat it.

Love, MOM.

So there it is. I'm hoping she didn't learn any of those rules the hard way. :-)

Let My People Go!

2009-04-13T16:02:00.011-05:00

So as many of my fellow tribesmen may know, we're smack dab in the middle of Passover. For the rest of you, it's the day after Easter. (I'm pretty confident anyone that doesn't celebrate one of those two holidays is not a reader of this blog...and let's face it, I think it's pretty safe to say the Muslim community doesn't share my warped sense of humor.) So I thought it would be appropriate to do another Holiday Face Off. This time, we'll be comparing Easter to Passover...from my point of view of course. I'll break it up into categories and then decide which Holiday I feel is the winner. As usual, the supporting examples will be extremely biased in favor of my personal opinion. My blog...my rules.

Here goes:

Overview:

Jews: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. Sound familiar? That's because it's the same for all of our holidays.

Christians: They (or, according to Mel Gibson, "We") killed him. But, he came back. Let's eat.

Verdict: Tie

The Meal:

Jews: The passover meal is also known as a Seder...which pretty much translates to "Order", as in there is an order of things that has to happen. It starts with some prayers in Hebrew, then you eat a piece of parsley dipped in salt water, then some raw horseradish, then some Matzah (see description below), then some apple and walnut paste meant to symbolize the cement used to make the pyramids, (Is your mouth watering yet?) then there's some more Hebrew, and then Matzah ball soup. (See below) Yes, this is the most famous of all the passover foods. A bowl of nearly clear broth with a couple of golf ball sized ground up Matzah balls. No, there's no noodles, they aren't allowed...we'll talk about that later. Just as a note, depending on your level of Jewishness, this part of the Seder leading up to the soup can take well over an hour. As you can imagine, kids love it.

Christians: Sit down and immediately start eating the items mentioned in the food section below.

Verdict: Some things are not worth the wait. Matzah is absolutely one of them. This one goes to Easter.

Food:

Jews: Matzah. For those of you that have never eaten Matzah, I'll do my best to explain it. Go to the grocery store and find the bread aisle. Then, walk as far away from it as you possibly can. You should end up in the stockroom in the back of the store. Perfect. Find a box that contains any grain based product. Cereal, pasta, rice...any of them will work. Remove all the products from the box. Now, tear off a piece of the box that they came in and eat it. Ta Da! Matzah. I won't even get into the Gefilte Fish or Manschewitz anything.

Christians: Yet another cooking magazine cover-worthy display of delicious delicacies. Glazed ham, candied carrots, baked pastries and breads. Yum. Let's not forget all the spring flowers and beautifully pastel painted decorated eggs.

Verdict: There's a reason it's called breaking bread, not Matzah. Easter wins this one.

Children's Activity:

Jews: The search for the Afikoman. The Afikoman is a piece of Matzah that is hidden during the Seder. At the end of the meal, the children are sent to find the hidden piece of Matzah. About 9 times out of 10, it's under the table cloth of one of the adults plates. How else are you going to hide a piece of Matzah without leaving the table. It usually takes kids till about the age of 4, maybe 5 if they are a little slow, to figure that one out. The reward for finding it? The meal is officially over and you can go play with the 30 year old lame toys that your Gramma has from when your parents were kids. However, some families reward the winner with a monetary prize...go figure.

Christians: Easter Egg Hunt. Candy and treat filled Easter eggs are hidden all over the house and yard. Kids get to run all over the place collecting them, then opening them to reveal the candy or toys inside. I can say with absolute certainty that none of the eggs will contain Matzah.

Verdict: All the eggs are in Easter's basket for this one.

Rules:

Jews: Passover brings with it an incredibly complicated list of dietary restrictions. Obviously you can't have bread, but you also can't really have any other grains. That means no pasta, no cereal, no rice, NO PIZZA! But, you also can't have foods made from those grains, so things like corn syrup are also forbidden. Needless to say this makes for a very limited diet of tasty foods. You pretty much end up eating eggs, cheese, meat, fruit and vegetables all week. Along with shooting your cholesterol through the roof, it also does some nasty things to your digestive system. As my dad would say, you truly start to understand what Moses meant when he said "Let my people go. " And for dessert? Macaroons. Macaroons are little coconut cookies that pretty much taste like how old people smell. They try to make them more palatable by dipping them in chocolate, but that's about as useful as Rosie O'Donnell putting on makeup.

Christians: Eat whatever you want...including peeps. That's right, the once a year treat of little yellow and pink sugar coated marshmallows. I also need to mention Cadbury Eggs. Rich chocolate filed with gooey who knows what. Yum.

Verdict: Easter, by a landslide of delicious candy.

Mascot:

Jews: Moses? Dear Moses, you could part a sea, but didn't think to stop and ask for directions? The only place it should take 40 years to get to is a mid-life crisis.

Christians: Easter Bunny. This adorable chocolate and candy dispensing bunny hops around delivering treats to all the girls and boys.

Verdict: There's a reason rabbit's feet are lucky.

So there it is, Easter is the clear winner. Hippity Hop Hooray!

Still Here....

2009-04-09T22:19:00.003-05:00

I know, I know. It's been a while. Sorry. I've been super busy and haven't had a chance to post anything. I promise there will be more when I get some free time. I have some ideas. In the meantime, enjoy this license plate that I saw the other day. For those of you unfamiliar with this vehicle, it gets about 8 miles to the gallon. So, the only green is what pours out of his wallet to fill the 40 gallon tank.

Dumb.

"Smorgasbored"..

2009-04-02T22:42:00.005-05:00

Tonight's blog title is inspired by my trip to IKEA today. A smorgasbord, as you may know, is a Swedish buffet style meal consisting of a variety of foods. Tonight's blog will be just that, a variety of items all together. Since most people read this when they are bored you can see why I titled it "Smorgasbored". How clever of me.

Here goes:

Words-

Smorgasbored: Any variety of activities one partakes in when suffering from extreme boredom. Reading blogs, playing games on a phone, channel surfing.

Hallucellations: The feelings you get on your hip or in your pocket when you could swear that your phone buzzed, but after pulling it out to check, you see that there are no messages or calls.

Wisdumb-

Orange juice tastes terrible after you have just brushed your teeth. However, brushing your teeth after you have just drank orange juice is fairly pleasant.

If you ever need it to rain, have me spend at least an hour hand washing my car. Rain is guaranteed within the next 24 hours.

The less expensive the product you buy, the more impossible the price tag is to remove. I bought a $4 stainless steel bowl at IKEA today. It took me 5 minutes of fingernail scraping to get about half the tag off, then two applications of Goo Gone, then 3 more minutes getting the tag bits out from under my fingernail, then I had to put it in the dishwasher. However, price tags on items from Crate and Barrel and our favorite store, Kitchen Window peel off with almost no effort.

Haiku-

Your is what you have
You're is the same as "you are"
It's really not hard

Update on the status of my blog working for me: $7.12 so far. Sweet.

Still Can't Fix Stupid...

2009-03-30T22:02:00.006-05:00

So I got an email today that just made me shake my head in disbelief. It was from a dealership where I took my big car for an oil change not too long ago. Apparently the general manager had the brilliant marketing idea to send a crafty email to all of their service customers. Fair enough. Unfortunately, this is the e-turd that he composed and sent out. It was just too easy and I couldn't resist, so I sent the reply you see below. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. (and when I say innocent, I mean stupid)

Click on the pictures to make them larger:

The brilliance:

My Reply:

I know it's hard to believe, but I have not yet received a response from Mr. Bagadonuts. I have a pretty good feeling I won't.

On a side note, the blog has made me a whopping $1.49 so far today. Thanks everyone and keep clicking!!! (yes mom, these ads are ok to click on...just close them after they open)

Twenty Seven Cents...

2009-03-29T22:21:00.006-05:00

That's right $0.27...and it's all mine. How is it all mine you may ask? Well, look to the left. That's right, there's an advertisement there. I really have no idea how it works. There was a new tab on the setup screen on my blog next to Posting, Settings and Layout called "Monetize". Naturally, my eyes lit up. I signed up to link my blog to something called Adsense and that was it. They put "content sensitive ads" on my blog and when people click on them, I get paid. This is kind of a double bonus. First off, I get paid for people to read my blog. I've spent all this time working on my blog. Now, my blog is working for me. Second, they put "content sensitive ads" on the blog. This is really one of Google's claims to fame, targeted advertising. The best part is, as I'm sure you have noticed, my blog postings are pretty much ridiculous. So, the ads that show up are pretty funny. For example, I had a posting about how joining a healthclub is a great way for homeless people to combat their difficult situation. Under that post was an advertisement to support a foundation that supports the homeless and the hungry. So, if anyone disagrees with my solution for homelessness, they can just go ahead and help fix it themselves. It's win-win for everyone. The targeted, "relevant" ads for my ridiculous stories should be amusing.

So why $0.27? Well, that's how much money my blog has generated for me today...and it's only the second day.

So, to you...all my loyal readers...Click your hearts out. Click on all the ads. I don't care if you buy anything, but just click and click on them. Look at them, read them all. Think of it this way, the more money my blog makes for me, the less I have to work. The less I have to work, the more time I can devote to my blog. The more time I devote, the better and more creative the blog will be...and you, loyal reader, reap the benefits.

Happy Clicking!

Helping my Homeless Homeboys...

2009-03-25T18:27:00.006-05:00

You may remember my encounter with the residentially challenged gentleman in San Francisco. If not, read this first. I think about lots of things as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog. I find myself having the same recurring thought from time to time...What would I do if I were homeless? Have you ever thought about it? I have, especially in times like these where it seems like people are losing their jobs and their houses left and right. Fortunately for Schnooze and me, we're lucky enough to both have jobs so we're not really at risk...but still, I think about it. The other day I had a breakthrough in my "what if I were homeless" thoughts.

So, here it is, my advice to the homeless:

Join a healthclub. Yup, join a healthclub. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Well, here are my supporting arguments.

Healthclubs are typically open long hours. For example, mine is open from 5am to 9:30pm. That means there would be less than 8 hours a day where you'd have to find somewhere else to be.

The average cost for a healthclub membership for an entire month is between $50 and $75. The average cost for a single night at a hotel is at least $50. Rent for a cheap apartment is at least $300 a month. The healthclub is by far the cheapest choice for the maximum amount of shelter...typically nice shelter too. Leather couches and all that. Earning $50-$75 a month can't be that hard. That would be just over $2 a day in beggings.

Healthclubs have showers. Those showers are stocked with soap, shampoo and conditioner. The sinks have combs, razors, mouthwash and shaving cream. Essentially all of your hygene needs would be met...for free.

Healthclubs often have laundry service for an additional fee. (It's $20 a month at mine) Since it's done daily, that means all you'd need are two outfits. Less than $1 a day in beggings.

There's also free coffee and water. That covers all your beverage needs. Food shouldn't be too hard with all the $1 menus these days. Raise your beggings to $4 a day and you'll be able to eat pretty well. In fact, if you join a healthclub near a Costco, (or grocery store) "sample walks" as I call them can practically be a full meal.

There is a lounge, a pool, a sauna, steam room, excercise room, and classes to attend. That should keep you occupied (not to mention healthy and squeaky clean) from 5am to 9:30pm. Being in so many different places will make it hard for people to tell you've been there all day.

There's always somewhere you can sleep from 9:30pm to 5am. For example, my healthclub has a heated garage. No one would ever notice you there. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Healthclubs are full of people that are pretty motivated. Not only with respect to their physical fitness, but in other aspects of their life as well. That means they probably have ongoing projects that they may need help with. Remodeling, yardwork, etc. There will be plenty of opportunities for some work on the side or a free meal here and there. This could offset the need for the $4 a day beggings.

So there it is, for a mere $50-$75 a month all your health, hygene and shelter needs can be met. Homelessness solved. Next up, I think I'll solve Racism. How hard could that be.

Good Till The Last Drop...

2009-03-23T22:45:00.005-05:00

So as you all know, I'm always looking for a good deal. (As I mentioned in an earlier post with the lesser known 11th commandment of my people- Thou shalt never pay retail.) However, I'm just as adamant about getting my money's worth. You may remember from If It Were Up To Me, that I had an idea for a spoon with a squeegee on one side so I would be able to eat all the ice cream out of the bowl. I don't want any of that delicious ice cream to go to waste. Especially if I have paid for it.

Well, I have another great trick for you. In my endless effort to always get my money's worth, I have devised this ingenious technique. I'm not just going to tell you what it is though...I'm gonna make it even better, I'm going to show you! That's right, a live performance!

Here it is...

Yes, I am 30 years old. Yes, I still drink chocolate milk. So what?

Special thanks to Schnoozle for filming this masterpiece.

Anyone notice the shirt?

Supermarket Stumpers...

2009-03-22T22:11:00.009-05:00

So I went to the Grocery store today and came across a couple of things that, well, kind of stumped me. The first item had a couple of things that made me scratch my head. See the image below. (Click on it for a larger view and to read my notes.)

As you may know, I love pizza. Especially NYC style pizza...we've covered this in My Ode To Pizza. So naturally, a product like this caught my eye. However, there are a couple of interesting things going on here. First of all, it was in the Kosher-Foods frozen food case of the grocery store. You can see from the circled U on the bottom left of the box (indicating that it is kosher) and the Hebrew letters in the company name on the top left of the box, that this product has received many a rabbinical thumbs up. What concerned me were two other things. First of all, this box of New York Style pizza slices (and all of the others in the freezer case) comes with a free burrito. WTF? Why would a Kosher NYC style frozen come with a free burrito? I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's safe to say that the "target audience" for a product like this is going to appreciate an additional free item more than most. But a burrito? Someone in the marketing department was way off on this one. The demand for burritos among the Jewish community is about as prevelant as the demand for Matzah balls among the Mexican community. Dumb. But that's not all that's odd about this picture. As you may remember, this was in the Kosher foods freezer. Now, for those of you that are familiar with the laws of kashrut, you may have already noticed. Yes, to the left of the Kosher NYC style Rabbi approved pizzas is a large display of frozen shrimp. Shrimp are about as kosher as a bacon cheeseburger. This is right up there with the Hanukkah display at Walgreens that I spoke of in Jew Don't Know Me.

Next we have this one: (Again, click on the picture for the full image.)

This is a can of Grape Crush...easily one of my favorite beverages. MinuteMaid, Twister, Welch's grape sodas...they're all CRAP! They all taste like liquid children's Tylenol to me. Grape Crush however, is a vastly superior soda. So as I've indicated, the ingredients clearly list "Grape Juice Concentrate". But then, above the nutritional information, in bold, clearly states "Contains No Juice". Are you as confused as I am? Last I checked, Grape Juice Concentrate was considered juice. I have sent a letter to the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group (Current Owners of the Crush brand). The letter stated:

Dear Dr. Pepper Snapple Group,

While enjoying a delicious can of your Grape Crush soda today, I noticed that grape juice concentrate was listed as an ingredient. Then I noticed that the can said "Contains No Juice". So...Which one is it?

JewBoy

The web form promised a response to all questions, so we'll see what they have to say for themselves.

A Hairy Situation...

2009-03-19T22:32:00.006-05:00

Anyone who lives with a woman with long hair is reminded of it constantly...even if she is not there. The reason that they are reminded is because the hair ends up everywhere. The bathroom floor, pillows, laundry, sink, sheets, everywhere. However, there is one place where it really collects...the hairbrush. Every morning I have the same battle with the hairbrush...as illustrated below...

This is the hairbrush:

As you can see, it's full of hair. Ugh.

So this is what happens to JewBoy:

I use the hairbrush and Schnoozle's hair comes out of it and gets into my hair. Then I have random long hairs stuck in my hair and I have to pull them out and it tickles...especially around my ear. I try to pull the hair out of the brush, but it's a pain in the ass.

So as usual, I have devised a brilliant solution. I call it the RemoovHair. It's a hairbrush that automatically removes the hair that gets stuck in it.

See below:

It's a normal hairbrush with a switch that slides up and down. When it slides up, it makes the metal band under the brush part push up against the base of the bristles. The base of the bristles slides up the bristles and pushes all the hair out.

Looks like this:

Viola! The hair pops out of the brush and it's clean and ready for JewBoy to use. No more annoying long hairs that tickle my ear. And NO! I am not going to buy my own hairbrush. You should know by now that I'm way to cheap for that.

Oh man...I HATE doing that...

2009-03-17T21:27:00.007-05:00

I wouldn't say that I hate housework, there's just a few specific jobs that I hate, like really hate. Two of those jobs are taking the garbage out and making the bed. The reason that I hate these two jobs the most is because of the unique challenges they create. So as you can imagine, I have devised a better and more clever way to deal with these chores. See below:

Making the bed. The biggest problem here is that the sheets slide all over. You pull them on one side and then they slide to the other. Then, they aren't even and you have to walk around the bed three times to adjust it. Here's my solution- BedSnaps.

So here's the basic idea. The bottom sheet attaches to one side of the bed. The Top sheet attaches to the bottom. Then, the comforter attaches to the other side. Now, making the bed is as easy as 1,2,3. You'd make it the same way you close a box. Pull the bottom sheet over, then pull the top sheet up, then pull the comforter over from the other side. The bed is made, everything is perfectly even. Awesome!

Now, on to taking out the garbage. We bought one of those fancy "Simple Human" garbage cans. It is my conclusion that "Simple Human" was invented by "Stupid Designer". Here's the problem....

The main problem is that as the garbage bag fills up, it creates an airtight seal with the can that it is in. So, when you try to pull the bag out, it creates a vacuum at the bottom of the can and the bag is impossible to pull out. (Especially when you've been smushing and smushing it down.) As you pull and pull to get the bag out, the bag can stretch and tear. Then the bag leaks or things fall out and JewBoy gets very super pissed. This problem is soooo easy to fix that it makes me angry that they didn't design it this way. See below....The FlowCan-

Yeah, it's that simple. Drill a couple of holes in the bottom of the can. Now, there is no vacuum, so the air can flow in as the bag comes out. The bag slides out easily and JewBoy doesn't get pissed. Why am I the only person thinking of these things?

Eat Your Heart Out...

2009-03-15T00:00:00.009-05:00

I do my best to make this not a boring diary of what goes on in my life. There are plenty of other blogs out there you can read if that's what you are looking for. However, yesterday was a pretty cool experience that I feel is worth detailing. Perhaps it will inspire some of you to do something similar...especially if you never knew you could.

So, for those of you that don't know, yesterday (the 13th) was our 6 month wedding anniversary. Yes, I remembered (Schnoozle did not, but I will let it slide since she had just gotten back from a week in India) and yes I realize that it's pretty gay that I remembered. Thanks to all my co-workers for reminding of that. So, I picked up Schnoozle from the airport at 6pm. She'd been flying for about 24 hours. We got home, she finally got comfy on the couch when I informed her that it was time to go out to dinner. Here's how that conversation went...

JewBoy: Dinner time.

Schnoozle: No way, I am too tired and don't feel well.

JewBoy: I'm sure you are. Ok, let's go to dinner.

Schnoozle: There's no way I am going anywhere, I'm beat.

JewBoy: Well, that's kind of the thing, I'm not asking, I'm telling. We're going.

Schnoozle: You're out of your mind.

JewBoy: I may have planned something that we have to go to.

Schnoozle: Why would you plan something on the day I got back from India?

JewBoy: Because I didn't know you were going to India when I planned it and it's too late to cancel. We're going....suck it up.

This continued for a few more minutes until I explained to Schnoozle that it was in fact our 6 month anniversary and I had made very special reservations that we really couldn't get out of. What were they? Well, a great little restaurant here called Heidi's has a new thing called a chef's table. Basically, you get to sit at a private table in the prep area of the kitchen and the executive chef serves you an 8 course tasting menu of very special ingredients, accompanied by perfectly paired wines. Being the foodies that we are, I thought it would be perfect. Schnoozle having to go to India however, was not. To say the least, she was not pleased about having to get dressed and go out...

Finally she agreed to go and this is what we had for an incredible dinner... (The picture quality is a little crappy since they were taken with my phone and the lighting was weird)

1st Course: Veal Carpaccio with an oyster fritter, served with a kim-chi mayo. (Paired with a Cava, Montsarra, Brut, Penedes)

2nd Course: Cucumber, beet and endive salad with beet puree, beet powder and a soy vinaigrette. (Paired with a Riesling, Mittnacht-Klack, Alsace 2002)

3rd Course: Winter greens with shaved foi gras, crispy potato sticks, chives and a pistachio oil dressing.

4th Course: Homemade papardelle pasta with fresh black truffles, in a butter sauce. This was then drizzled with Armando Manni Olive Oil. This is no normal olive oil, there are only 9 restaurants in the US that are allowed to purchase this oil from the maker and I got to eat it. Wow! (Paired with a Pinot Noir, Domaine Michel Noëllat et Fils, Burgundy 2003)

5th Course: Steamed Salmon with crab salad, peruvian purple mashed potatoes, passion fruit sauce, sage foam and cayenne powder. (Paired with a Cabernet-Tempranillo, Vega Sindoa, Navarra 2006)

6th Course: Braised Lamb with star anise and soy sauce, on a bed of wild rice cabbage salad and topped with puffed rice.

7th Course: Dessert Tri0- Homemade Chocolate sorbet on a flourless chocolate cake. Sweet potato benaise with a reduced maple syrup cream sauce. Red wine poached pear with fresh creme englaise. (Paired with a Madiera, New York Malmsey, Rare Wine Company)

8th Course- Belgian Endive, pineapple and chive salad with a lemon olive oil dressing, served with super fancy stilton bleu cheese mixed with port wine. I'm not gonna lie, I can't handle bleu cheese, it's way too strong for me, but Schnoozle said it was good.

So yeah, that was our dinner. We felt like we were judges on Iron Chef. Needless to say, Schnoozle got over having to go out and I scored some serious Hubby Points.

Vocabulating...

2009-03-10T22:25:00.010-05:00

Got a few words of the day for you. The first one was a suggestion from a friend of mine. He was describing a common and awkward situation many people find themselves in when in an elevator.

Elevoidance- The half-assed attempt when someone is coming towards the elevator that people make to reach towards the button that holds the door open. Then, they pretend that it was too late and the doors were already closing, followed by the expression on their face that says- "Oh, so sorry, I tried, I really did, you'll have to catch the next one. "

This next one is a battle I find myself facing all the time. In my endless search for good deals, I often find myself in the following situation.

Freesources- Connections people have that allow them to get things for free that most people have to pay for. Used in a sentence: "Well, it looks like I've exhausted all my freesources and we'll actually have to pay for our drinks tonight."

And finally, filling and emptying your tank...

Nozzillating- The act of shaking the the gas pump once it shuts off with hopes of getting a few more free drops of gas. This is very similar to the strategy used by men after urinating to ensure that the last few dripppies end up in the toilet and not their underwear.

This is sometimes followed by Hosillating (ho-zil-a-ting) by the more aggressive penny pinching fuelers, where the person lifts the entire hose to empty its contents into their tank. While this has no direct counterpart in the world of male urination, the "squeeze and pull" is pretty close. Guys, you know what I mean. Girls, you probably don't...but think about how you'd get that last bit of liquid out of a freezer pop. Same idea.

That's A Lot Of Hot Air...

2009-03-08T22:11:00.006-05:00

In my endless effort to make things more efficient, I have come up with another Mydea. Like I mentioned in Half and Half's, everything seems to be getting combined lately...especially in the bathroom. Shampoo that conditions, soap that moisturizes, toothpaste with mouthwash, you get the idea. Well, why not go one step further? Why not make the the entire process of showering more efficient. Right now, you get in, get wet, get clean, then get out, towel off and then (mostly for women) blow dry your hair. Well, I figured out a way to make the whole process better.

I call it the Showair. (shah-where) Like the laundry machines in Europe that wash and dry the clothing in the same machine, this is the same idea. It sprays water, for showering. Then it blows hot air to dry you off. No towels needed. Think of the benefit to the environment!

You would enter the shower as normal. See the illustration below of JewBoy shampooing his hair.

Then, once you are all squeaky clean. You would switch the Showair setting from water to air. It would blow out hot air and dry you off completely. No need to use a towel. No need to leave the nice warm shower and go into the cold air of the bathroom. Plus, using towels means more laundry and I hate doing laundry.

Added bonus: Since there is no more need for towels, there is a better chance of Schnoozle walking around Nudies. Sweet.

"Inplated" Egos...

2009-03-07T18:01:00.004-06:00

So last night I made a quick stop at Whole Foods. For those of you who aren't familiar with this store, I think my old roommate "Rubes" described it best. In his words, "It's the best place to shop if want to spend $9 on a jar of peanut butter". I also have a cousin who is a chef at one of the stores and among the employees, it's known as "Whole Paycheck". Now don't get me wrong, they have good products. Their meat and produce are very high quality. Almost as good as....well, you guessed, Wegmans. Unfortunately, as you may have seen in the video I posted in 1:19, it's about twice the price. So, it's pretty much a mecca for the tree hugging, crunchy granola, jamba juice drinking, high income hippies. It's full of those annoying people that act all smug cause they think they're single handedly saving the environment because they drive a Prius and you don't. The same people however, that also live in 6000 square foot houses with a heated pool, 3 refrigerators, multiple air conditioners and the lights on all the time. Assholes.

So, getting to the point. Last night I stopped there because they happen to carry passion fruits. My boss has been looking for fresh passion fruits unsuccessfully for some time now. Since, he's the one that decides how much bonus I get, I figured some mild ass kissing by helping him out wouldn't hurt. You've probably already figured out my opinion of the typical Whole Foods customer. So when I arrived and parked across from this, it was too perfect.

Dear Jack,

That's not a Jaguar. It's an Audi. You're not fooling anyone. Ass.

Love,

JewBoy

I could go off on a whole rant about Vanity plates. I think they're pretty stupid. Why would anyone want such easily recognizable, irrefutable proof that they were somewhere or did something. Sounds risky to me. My absolute pet peeve are the people who get a plate that says what type of car it is. Like the little pimped out Honda Civic that has a license plate that says "Civic", or the big wheeled truck with a plate that says "Chevy". Wow, how original. But, when you get a plate that lies about the type of car that you drive...That's just beyond retarded.

Offending Vicariously Through Others...

2009-03-05T20:38:00.004-06:00

So as you may know, I have a sister. A sister who is obsessed with Disney World. She goes there about 3 times a year. Hey, everyone has their favorite place and to each their own. My sister also has two daughters. One is 5 and the other is almost 2. So, those of you familiar with family trees have probably already come to the realization that I have two nieces. On their most recent trip, (last week) my older and very outgoing niece, we'll call her "Doodle", struck up a conversation with a lady on the bus.

It went like this:

Doodle: "What's your name?"

Lady: "My name is bus lady" (I don't know what her name was, so this will have to do. It's really not an important part of the story anyway.)

Doodle: My name is Doodle.

Lady: Where do you live?

Doodle: I live in "North Care-no-lina". (transliterated in my best "Doodle-speak") Where do you live?

Lady: I live in California.

Doodle: That's where my Grampa and my Shosh live!

Lady: Is Shosh your Aunt?

Doodle: No! Schnoozle is my Aunt, she was made in Taiwan.

Lady: (Speechless...look of shock)

Doodle: She's my Aunt cause she married my Uncle Booger. (That's her nickname for me)

Lady: Why do you call him Uncle Booger?

Doodle: Cause he picks his nose a lot.

I wonder where she learned that from?

Well... someone has to carry on my warped sense humor. Looks like once again, I "picked" a winner. Isn't she adorable?

And I Wonder...I Wah Wah Wah Wah Wonnnnnnder....

2009-03-03T00:01:00.004-06:00

So the other day a co worker asked, "Why do bluetooth headsets have a blue light? Who is that for?" It's a good point. The person who is using it can't see it, so why bother making it light up? It made me wonder about some other things. Here's a few...

Why are they called T-Shirts, but not V-Shorts, or even V-Pants? I mean after all, they're just as much a V as a shirt is a T.

When person A is talking on the phone and can't hear person B on the other end, why does person A talk louder? I always ask people "Are you talking louder because you can't hear them?"

Why does everyone on a conference call insist on asking the host "How are you?" Even though they just heard the 10 other people ask them the same question? On that same line of thinking, why does the answer change? (good, not bad, pretty good, doing great) Seriously, it's only been like 10 seconds.

How is that after all these years, there are still not any words that rhyme with orange? You'd think someone would have come up with something by now. Come to think of it, there aren't really any words that rhyme with Schnoozle either. I should have planned better...it makes it hard to sing songs about her. I'll keep working on it.

Bonus point to anyone who has the Del Shannon song Runaway stuck in their head from reading the title. Wanna hear it? Click Here.

A Prize For Your Patience...

2009-03-02T19:12:00.004-06:00

Yes, I know, it's been a few days since my last post. I have been pretty busy and just didn't have the time. But, like they say, good things come to those who wait. So, today I am rewarding you with one my my funniest and easily most embarrassing stories. I've been saving it, for the just the right time. I think that time is now. I know people get a real kick out of the misfortune of others. I mean, if they didn't, how have things like America's Funniest Home Videos, Youtube, Stupidvideos.com and the countless other sources of "people getting injured videos" gotten and stayed so popular. So here it is, one of my most embarrassing moments ever, that for some reason, I have decided to make public to you. I have a feeling I will regret this someday.

Here's how it went down:

It was an ordinary day and I was hanging out at home. I was watching TV (Stevie the TV) when I decided I needed to go to the bathroom. It's always a nice change when I get to make the decision...stupid inherited tempermental stomach. So, I went and proceeded with my business. It was one of the few times when I didn't bring my laptop. Yes, I am convinced that wireless internet was created for the sole purpose of allowing people to e-poop. Trust me, anyone with a laptop and wireless internet has done it. I was just about finished when I thought to myself, "I think out of courtesy I will light a candle." It was yet another one of the moments in my life that can only be described as "seeming like a good idea at the time". As I struck the match to light it, the little head of it snapped off...after being lit. I'd say it was with laser accuracy, but let's be honest folks, it's a pretty big target...the flaming head of the match fell right on... Imagine to yourself a bowl full of fruit. Everyone at the table takes one piece of fruit and all that is left is a banana that's end is right against two apples next to each other. Can you picture that? Ok, good. The match head landed exactly in the middle of the "banana". It burned me instantly. I flicked the glowing red head into the toilet and looked down at the damage. Yup, a nice red dot where it burned me. Naturally, I would have loved to pretend that this never happened. But, that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. Why a risk you may ask? Well, as you know, Schnoozle and I are in a very loving relationship. With that kind of relationship comes the benefit of being able to have intimate relations. I think you (man or woman) can imagine the reaction if you (or your partner) came face to face....well, head to head really, with that area and saw a big red dot on it. Yeah, how do you explain that? I had no choice but to immediately tell her what had happened. I promptly exited the bathroom (after all the necessary clean up had been done of course...again, I still don't understand how wet wipes haven't become the global standard...they are wonderful) with my wounded soldier in full view. "Schnoozle!!!.....I burnt myself!!!" I yelled. She turned and saw me and a look of total defeat came over her face. (A look I have only seen one other person make, once before in my life...but that is a story for another day) Yes, this was the man she had chosen to marry...standing in front of her with an exposed and burnt member. I was hoping for at least a little sympathy, but asking for her to "kiss it to make it better" clearly wasn't the way to get it. Head down and shaking slowly side to side, she just turned, walked away and mumbled something about "achieving a whole new level of retardation".

So was it worth the wait?

"Wear" Did My Childhood Go...

2009-02-26T21:53:00.009-06:00

So the other night I was thinking about all the funny things that I (and others) did as a kid. Whether it was eating play-dough...or paste, singing songs, funny rhymes, or insults and their rebuttals, it made me smile. Since it's been a while since I've made any T-shirts, I thought I'd use them as today's medium. I mean if you can't hang on to your youth...might as well wear it. Here's a few of my designs.

Go ahead, call me a name...

That's right my bouncy self makes me impenetrable to your insults...Elmer.

I think we all knew this one...

Hint, stay away from "around the corner".

This one is a little more obscure, you either know the song (and the hand claps or jump rope that go with it) or you don't.

Don't get it? I'll give you a hint, it's kind of like this...

"...She grabbed his dic.....tionary, where there are a bunch of words, the zoo has lots of animals that all make lots of tur...tles in the ocean, eat all of the sea grasses, but when they eat too much of it, it comes out of their as...paragus is a vegetable, it doesn't have a pit, but after you have eaten it, your pee will smell like shi...pments are delivered from the company Fed Ex, so send your girl some flowers and you'll probably have some se...cond hands on watches, they tick and then they tock, the women in the movies like a big and juicy Coc...ktails in the evening are a great way to relax, especially for the men with lots of hair on their ball sa...nta claus is merry, he'll deliver toys to you, but he'll skip right past your house if you're a coupon clipping Je...wBoy wrote this poem and he wrote it all so quick, he didn't even notice Schnoozle when she grabbed his...dic...tionary........."

Still stumped? Really? Fine, click here.

Check You Later...

2009-02-24T22:33:00.006-06:00

This is one of my all time favorite stories. My father is an accountant, a CPA technically. I know, imagine that, a Jewish accountant. Anyway, earlier in his career he had one client that owed him payment for his services...approximately $1000. He sent a check to my dad, which my dad then deposited in the bank. The account had insufficient funds and my dad did not receive the payment and was charged a fee. Needless to say, he was pissed. He contacted the client who agreed to send him another check. He received the check, deposited it and guess what, it bounced again and he was charged the fee. He was now very super pissed. He called the guy again about the problem. The guy told him some story about having switched accounts and it was a mistake, blah blah blah...he'd send another check.

The check arrived, but this time my dad had a plan. It just so happened that the check was from the same bank where my dad did his banking. He went to the bank and explained that he had been burned by this guy on checks twice now. Knowing the cashier could not tell him the balance of the account, he asked the if there was sufficient funds to cash the check. A perfectly allowable question. She said no.....but it was "close". So my dad smiled and said, "Ok, I'd like to deposit $50 into the account number on the check"...knowing that cash posts instantly and can't be traced. He then asked the cashier "Is there sufficient funds in the account to cash this check?" The cashier replied "No, but it's really, really close". "Ok" Said my dad, "I'd like to deposit $50 into the account number on the check" The cashier deposited the cash. My dad said, "I'd like to cash this check, are there sufficient funds in the account? The cashier said "Yes there are." and gave him the $1000. So, for $100 cash and about $50 in service fees, a net gain of $850, he got to clean out the guy's account. Victory!

The Mile High Challenge...

2009-02-23T23:10:00.005-06:00

So as many of you may know, I travel quite a bit for work. This means I have to fly quite frequently. Over the years I have learned some good tricks. Today I present you with a challenge. According to the diagram below, which of the open white seats is the best choice? (As always, click on the picture for a larger view.) The choices are explained below the picture...no cheating.

Ok, here are the explanations in no particular order...

14B- Yes, the hot girl is tempting, but this is a bad choice. You are next to the lavatory and there is no girl hot enough to put up with the constant foul smells of 49 other passengers.

12D- No no no. Two frat boys to your left, a non English speaking neighbor, plus a screaming kid in front of you will not make for a pleasant trip.

9A, 9D, 10B and 10D- Nope, Talkers and cell phones and frat boys Oh my. Stay away from these choices.

1B- Ahh, this is tempting, but you don't want to be between this guy's infection and the lavatory. Same goes for 2C. Plus, it's in the front which means you have no leg room and you'll be listening to the political debate to your right.

3C- Loud frat boy and diagonal from a screaming kid. No good.

4C- Nope. Next to the sleeper is nice, but the last thing you want is a foreign language screaming kid to your left.

7A and 7D may look good, but these seats are in front of the exit row and don't recline. Not comfortable at all. Plus you'll be waiting forever for the first time travelers in 6A and B to get off the plane.

11B should be an obvious No by now. Screaming kid, foreign neighbor and in front of two frat boys. You'll be praying for a crash.

6D- You don't want to get stuck with a talker and have to listen to the frat boy on his phone. Plus, the hot chick will be able to see you through the seats so you'll be self conscious of the nerdy movies you were planning on watching on your laptop.

Well here we are, there's only one seat left. I know what you're thinking 3C? With the screaming kid and the foreign person? You're crazy JewBoy! Am I? Here's what you less astute travelers may have missed. Notice 2B, 3A and 4A are all foreign and therefore are surely traveling together. (Trust me, they always do) The screaming kid is clearly with them since it wouldn't be traveling alone. So, you take 3C as a seat, then immediately you offer to switch with 2B, so they can sit with the other person in their group and be closer to the "cute" kid. (This can easily be done with gestures to overcome the language barrier.) Mmmmmm Hmmmmm. Look at you now...Next to the hot chick in a sweet 2nd row aisle seat. You won't have to feel awkward about not choosing to move over to 2C since 2D needs constant access to the lavatory. Plus, there's no one in front of you so you don't have to worry about them reclining into your space. Loud frat boy is far enough away and the ridiculous arguing in 1C and 1D will provide a constant supply of topics of discussion for you and the 2A hottie. And, she'll have to squeeze by you when she needs to use the rest room...Perfect.

Cause When You're Smiling...

2009-02-21T22:06:00.007-06:00

Perhaps you've heard of the phenomenon of religious images showing up on foods. I call it "Divine Toastervention". The picture above is two classic examples of this. On the left, you can clearly see the face of Jesus and on the right, his lovely mother Mary. I was fortunate enough to have a similar experience this past week in lovely Cincinnati.

This week was a huge success for my co-workers and me. (Even beyond the vending machine experience detailed in A Twist of Fate) All of the software we were installing worked on the first try, it showed all the data we said it would and we got good feedback. Anyone who works with computer software knows this is a very rare event. Needless to say, we were smiling. We went out one evening and were celebrating our success. When our beers arrived, we raised our glasses and "toasted" to our great week. That must have been what did it.

I absolutely promise that this was a naturally occurring smiley face in my beer. I in no way altered the foam at the top of the glass. My two co-workers will vouch for it. I think Louis Armstrong said it best..."When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you." Even your beer.

1:19

2009-02-19T23:18:00.009-06:00

If you don't have the five minutes to watch the whole video, just start at 1:19 and listen for about 4 seconds. I'll give you three guesses who is the best...again. It's not even a fair comparison to the other stores. The only competition I've seen in the news lately that was as unequally matched was Israel vs. Hamas. Today's lesson, don't mess with Wegmans, or the Jews.

Thanks to my mom for forwarding me the video. We both share a special kind of love for the big W.

A Twist of Fate...

2009-02-17T22:10:00.011-06:00

We've all seen this happen, you walk by a drink vending machine and there is a drink that is stuck. It's such a tease. You think, maybe you can shake it loose? But, you risk someone seeing you and looking like an idiot. Or, maybe you're with a couple of your engineer co-workers at the end of a long day and you use your collective genius to plan a strategy to get the drink out. We had the perfect plan, here's how it all went down... (Watch the video below)

I know, I know. We were crushed too. But...It was late and there was no one around, so I gave it a shake and....

Out Of Blogfice Notice...

2009-02-16T22:15:00.001-06:00

This is an automated response. JewBoy is out of town for the next several days and will have limited access to his Blog. While he wishes that he were actually on a tropical island like he is shown in the picture above, he's not. He's working in Cincinnati. Ohio. Neat.

Blogs will resume as his time allows. If you have an urgent blog related matter, please leave a comment below.

Thank you,

JewBoy

What's All The Buzz About?

2009-02-14T21:20:00.007-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day! I've been waiting for several weeks to tell the story of one of my most memorable Valentine's Days.

It happened when I was teaching high school math in California. It was a normal day in my Advanced Algebra class. Then, about 30 minutes into the class, Angie, one of my most dramatic female students had an issue. Her purse started buzzing. Now, let's back up a real quick. For the most part, I was a pretty easy going teacher. But, I had one very, very strict rule- NO CELL PHONES DURING CLASS! I made this very clear and the students knew better. It was not only due to my complete hatred of cell phones and the horrible behavior that they have created, but also because of the distraction they cause. So back to Angie... Her purse started buzzing...loudly. She leaned over towards her purse and I snapped at her. "You know the rule, NO PHONES". Apparently, Angie was under the impression that she could "out wise ass" Mr. JewBoy. Well, that's a challenge few people are brave enough to take and even fewer are successful with. She responded with, "Just cause it's vibrating doesn't mean it's a phone". Yup, that was her witty retort. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there in awe wondering if she had any idea what the hell she just said in front of a class full of 11th graders. (and almost half of that class was made up of horny boys) I waited a second, realized it was probably not in my best interest to respond, took a step back and I said... "Wow, anyone wanna take this for me?" About six of the guys all started in at once, "Gotta keep it in your purse?" "You that hard up for it" "Can't get a real guy" and so on. I let it go for about a minute or so, figuring if they said it, I'd be off the hook, then cut them off and continued class.

Since it was a holiday, I decided to wrap up class a few minutes early. I told the kids they could just hang out for the remaining time and that's when the temptation got the best of me. I asked if anyone had any exciting plans for the night...besides Angie and her purse. The class went nuts and somehow, I wasn't fired. Unbelievable.

Blogetry in Motion...

2009-02-13T23:23:00.012-06:00

Those of you that know me, know that I am a self proclaimed pizza snob. I am always on the search for the perfect slice. I even attended the International pizza expo in Las Vegas a few years ago. I think it's safe to say that I am a very dedicated pizza lover. Well, tonight we tried a new pizza place and it happened to be pretty good, especially for mid-west pizza which can be absolutely terrible. It was the inspiration for this post about pizza. Here goes:

We'll start with a little background. In my opinion, there are two basic types of pizza out there. There's New York style which is thin, a little crispy on the bottom and slightly floppy at the end when you hold it by the crust and Chicago style which is a thick, deep buttery crispy crust. Chicago usually has more sauce, more cheese and in some cases, the sauce is on top of the cheese. Chicago pizza is not my thing, I'm a New York style pizza kind of guy. Here's a list of what makes up the perfect slice.

The first bite of the first slice should burn the little part of the roof of your mouth right behind your top two front teeth. This means the pizza is fresh out of the oven and has not been sitting around and reheated. The little piece of skin that dangles down for the next two days is a small price to pay for pizza perfection.

There should be just enough sauce to very lightly cover the dough. Large globs of sauce should never spill out from the slice when taking a bite, that means there is too much.

The sauce mixed with the cheese should give the area where the cheese meets the crust a nice orangey color. If it's a darker red, it's no good. Any place that uses the same sauce on their pizza as they do on their pasta should be shut down for pizza abuse.

When holding a fresh slice the proper way, (with the thumb and middle finger below the crust and pointer finger above, bending the crust slightly) the bottom of the crust should stay flat until about 1-2 inches from the end where it should start to dip. If it dips earlier (or not at all), it's too crunchy, later, too soggy.

Barbeque chicken, artichoke-sundried tomato-balsamic goat cheese, Buffalo Chicken, Thai peanut-sprout-zucchini, are not pizzas, they are flatbreads. I enjoy some of them, but don't consider them to truly be pizzas. Pepperoni, sausage, peppers, olives and onions are more traditional toppings. I however, consider myself a purist and almost always go with just pepperoni.

Finally, pizza slices are triangles, not squares! Square slices are total bullshit and should be banned worldwide. I freakin hate that. There's no crust to hold, it gets it all over your hands and you always end up with those stupid little corner triangle pieces that are almost all crust. Pahhhh-tooey!

Now for the artistic component of this post. Pizza inspires me so much, that it brings out the very, very hidden sensitive artistic side in me. In honor of pizza I have written the following poem. While at first you may think it's a little on the "simplistic side", take a closer look. Yup, it's written in perfect Iambic Pentameter.

This poem's about the best food you can eat
The taste of it is one you cannot beat.

With cheese and sauce and toppings you can choose
"We're having pizza" is my fav' rite news.

That pepperoni on a mound of cheese
Just give another slice to JewBoy please.

A crust that's crisp then soft is where it's at
I don't want one that is too thin or fat

In summary, I'll tell you how I feel
I'd love to have pizza for ev'ry meal

You may be asking yourself why this type of poetic meter sounds familiar? Well, that's because it's what Shakespeare used in his plays and sonnets. You weren't expecting that level of sophistication from this blog were you?

Eat Your Vegetables...

2009-02-12T22:10:00.008-06:00

Everyone has been told their whole life to eat their vegetables. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was (and still kind of am) a terrible eater. Especially when it came to vegetables, they are definitely not my favorite food. Well, in a soon to be not unrelated story, my company has launched a new internal portal/website. It's meant to be a central point for all employees to get information and interact with each other. One of the fun features of the site is a section that takes a poll. It may ask for your favorite movie, time of day, season, etc. Well, I had a problem with yesterday's poll. Here's what it was: (Click on picture to see it larger)

Yeah, someone at my company decided that "salad" is a vegetable. It was approved as a choice and posted to every employee worldwide. I just shook my head, made my selection of "corn" and submitted my vote to see what would happen. That's when I encountered this:

I think a better title for this screen would have been "Congratulations on not being one of 23% of the company that thinks salad is a vegetable. You may come back to work tomorrow." In these financially difficult times, with layoffs being so prevalent, I think this could be a great way for a company to conduct their reduction in force. Anyone who chose salad would have been greeted with a screen saying: "You thought salad was a vegetable...well, it's not. Thank you for your years of service, we wish you the best. Security will escort you out."

Naturally I couldn't resist the urge, so I posted this in the forums section. (Click for large view)

Luckily for me, security has not escorted me anywhere yet. Keep your fingers crossed.

A "Hole" Lot Of Problems...Solved!

2009-02-11T22:50:00.006-06:00

We've had a bit of a heat wave here the last week or so. Temperatures have even reached a balmy 40+ degrees. While this is a nice change, there is one nasty little side effect. As the temperature goes back and forth above and below freezing, the roads pay the price. That's right, potholes.

As if the bone rattling ride this creates while driving isn't enough, (although not quite enough to shake the water out of your ear) the little bits of gravel get kicked up and fly everywhere. This creates a hazard for pedestrians and can cause damage to other cars. The holes get filled with asphalt, but quickly come loose. There's got to be a better way.

Well, guess who thought of it? Yup, your very own JewBoy has another one of his ridiculous ideas.

Here's the plan: It's really very simple, they have it all backwards. Make the roads out of rubber, and the wheels of the car out of concrete. (or any other hard material, metal, asphalt, whatever) It's that easy.

How great would that be? If anything happened to the road, you just melt a little rubber and fill it right in. Piece of cake. They could have road Zambonies that just drive over and melt and resurface the rubber. No more smelly tar and asphalt. No months and months of construction. There would be fewer traffic problems and all the money saved on construction could be used on other community projects. It's the first step to pave...no, to rubber the way to a better future.

Victory Is Mine!!!

2009-02-10T21:39:00.010-06:00

Now I know what you are thinking from the title. You're thinking I have become victorious in my battle against the mailman. No. Not even close. It's my ear. Yes, my ear. My ear and I have been in a fierce battle for the past 3 days. Here's how it all went down.

It started with this....

And then this...

The University of Minnesota had an open swim/dive on Sunday. We decided to go and I was brave enough to jump off the high dive as you can see above. You'll notice my excellent form on the entry in the second photo. That's what did it. My clean entry caused me to plunge very deep into the water. That's when it happened. The water blasted its way into my ear...and refused to come out. Here is an illustrated rendition of what I went through for the next three days.

It begins...

I notice the water in my ear as I am exiting the pool. I do the customary head banging to dislodge the water. No luck.

This is when the full fledged torture began. I got in the car and turned on the music. I could only hear it out of my left ear. Try driving with your ear plugged sometime. The car sounds are all different, you can't hear the cars on one side of you. It's very annoying. I shook my head every chance I got...no luck.

I get home and sit on the couch to write my blog. The head banging continues. Again, no luck. I am deaf in my right ear and the constant headbanging has now made my neck very sore. Schnoozle offers her advice...

I finish my blog and go to bed. I get in bed, turn on the hot steam humidifier and awkwardly hold my head over it. I hope that the steam will penetrate my ear and help coax the water out. I ignore the neck pain and shake my head while the steam enters my ear. Guess what!!! No luck. Schnoozle offers more advice...

I wake up the next morning and my ear is still clogged and definitely worse. Why didn't Schnoozle warn me? Awesome. I shower, drive to work, sit at my desk and realize I can't stand it. I go to target and get ear cleaner/wax remover. I make several awkward trips to the bathroom to squirt the stuff in my ear.

Now, the side of my head is wet, my ear is still clogged and I'm super pissed. I return to my meeting.

My ear partially clears for about 10 minutes then clogs back up. I'm very super pissed. I research "how to remove water from your ear" on the internet. The first site recommends putting rubbing alcohol in my ear. For some reason I decide to do this over the kitchen sink.

Not only does it not work, but the rubbing alcohol really stings my now sore and tender ear. Time for internet method 2...use a hairdryer to to dry the water out of the ear. More advice from Schnoozle...

I'll give you three guess what else didn't work...but you'll only need one. I'm totally desperate. I go into the living room and decide to bust out my gymnastics skills and hope that gravity will be on my side.

Still no luck. I admit defeat and go to bed. I will call the doctor in the morning.

It's morning and my ear is worse. I schedule an appointment for 2:00pm. Naturally I have two meetings I have to suffer through and spend most of the time shaking my head, cringing at the neck pain.

(yeah, I reused the picture, so what)

It's time for my doctor's appointment. The doctor comes in and looks in my ear. He says it's blocked by some ear wax and that's what's causing all the pain, pressure and loss of hearing. He says the nurse will be right in to clean it out. The nurse comes in with at giant syringe and some warm water and peroxide. She inserts the giant syringe in my ear, puts a bowl under my ear and blasts the water into it Super Soaker style. The water blasts out all the stuff in my ear and drains into the bowl. Gross. (See zoomed in image for detail of the giant syringe in my ear. Drawing is to scale)

I can hear!! The pain and pressure is gone. Oh my god I am so happy.

And that is the story of my victory over the water in my ear.

P.S. My mailman still sucks.

Oh, It's On...

2009-02-09T22:02:00.008-06:00

My mailman continues to try my patience. My Editor-in-Chief sent me a letter and purposely wrote "Fragile-Do Not Bend" on the front and on the back as a test. As you can see, these instructions were blatantly ignored. Clearly he stuffed it in there as an act of rebellion. Not only was it bent, but it was creased as well. It was like his way of saying, "Fuck you and your lazy non-mail-getting neighbors." Bastard. He has no idea who he is messing with.

Naturally, I am planning a brilliant revenge. However, it's tricky and I'll need to plan carefully. Most people don't realize the amount of power a mailman can have. Think about all the things your mailman can know about you. He knows your name, your address, where you do your banking, where you work, what doctor you go to, when your birthday is, where you shop and all sorts of other personal information. So, I need to proceed with caution, for he has the ability to strike back even stronger. I think I'll start off subtle. I'll send myself letters from some strategically named organizations, ones that will strike fear into the heart of even the boldest mailman. Once he sees the type of person that I might be, he'll be forced to treat my mail with the utmost respect.

For example, I think I'll create a monthly newsletter titled "Training attack dogs". This will be a good start since we all know that dogs are the nemesis of all mailmen. I'll start the first couple of issues off pretty innocent, but then slowly, the images on the cover will become more direct. The covers will be dogs chasing UPS guys, FedEX guys and then DHL guys. I don't want it to be too obvious, just plant the seed.

Then, I'll step it up a notch. I'll start sending myself letters from the AUCA. I'll keep it mysterious at first, then eventually one of the letters will let on to the fact that it's the American Underground Cannibal Association. There will be a special issue discussing top candidates for the next "roast". Mailmen will be listed as one of the top 3 (again, I don't want to be too obvious) since they come to you and can be easily apprehended. The best part is if they go missing during the work day, everyone in the entire neighborhood is a potential suspect. It would take the police forever to get through all of them and you'd have plenty of time to properly dispose of the inedible leftovers. Perfect.

If these two strategies fail, I'll be forced to pull out the big guns. I'll have all my mail forwarded to a different address and simultaneously, I will have all of that mail forwarded to the other address. Thus creating an infinite loop of mail forwarding, effectively preventing his job from ever being done. He'll be forced to go back and forth from house to house never able to deliver the mail. It will keep piling up and eventually wear him down, till he's forced to quit and be replaced by a competent letter carrier that shows some respect for my mail.

Go ahead and bend my letters some more Mr. Mailman, you have no idea who you're dealing with and what I am capable of.

{Evil Sinister Laugh}

Sunday Night Writer's Blogk...

2009-02-08T23:18:00.003-06:00

I don't know why, but I seem to have the most trouble thinking about what to write on Sunday nights. I talked to a couple of my loyal readers tonight and apparently, they are a big fan of my artwork. So I thought tonight would be an illustrated guide to one of my typical Sunday night bloggings. It pretty much goes like this...

The blogging begins:

Can't think of any ideas, maybe get some help?

Ok, no help there.

Well that didn't help...

Still no help there. I should know better by now. What to write, what to write...?

Well, that's what it's gonna be. I feel like I'm using my free spin.

Well there it is, a summarized, illustrated rendition of my Sunday night.

Note: Those of you who have been to our apartment will appreciate that I have perfectly color matched the couch. You'll also notice that the comments from Schnoozle come from my left, which is where she sits at her desk doing countless hours of work while I screw around on this thing.

I Was Just Doing My Job...

2009-02-07T23:25:00.009-06:00

As you can see, my mail situation has not improved. I think there are a lot of people that take their job descriptions too literally. For example, "Put mail in box." Obviously, there are no more detailed instructions, like "...and try not to mangle it too badly."

Below is one of the most famous examples:

The entire job description for this must have been, "Paint double yellow lines on road." The person who was chosen to complete this job did just that...and only that. "Remove any obstructions" was not part of the description. I'm sure if most of us, (having fully functioning brains) were put in this position, would have slid or kicked the carcass off to the curb and continued to paint. Not this guy. Just painted right over it and wasn't concerned about the blank spots that would be left when the carcass was finally removed. This might be more annoying than when the manhole covers that have lines on them are put back on without the lines lining up. That drives me crazy.

This reminds me of one particular day at Wegmans. (Greatest grocery store ever) There was a young female cashier who was relatively new. Her job: Scan all the customer's items, put them in a bag, collect payment. Sounds pretty easy right? Well, here's what happened one day. A customer ordered a birthday cake. When a cake is ordered, a full page form is filled out with information like: type of cake, frosting color, what should be written on it and so on. Then, a sticker is printed out with the barcode and the price of the cake. The sticker is usually stuck half on the form and half on the box's clear plastic window. (See diagram below)

So, this cashier was chugging along, scanning and bagging all of the items. The cake was next on the conveyor belt. As you may know, the scanner is under a glass window in front of the cashier. So, the barcode has to be held over it. (Fancy side scanners and scanning guns weren't around yet.)

I saw the whole thing happen. Without even the slightest bit of hesitation, the cashier grabbed the cake box, flipped it over, scanned it and put it on the counter behind her. This of course resulted in the cake being completely ruined...as shown below.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get there in time to stop it. It was like one of those slow motion scenes in a movie. Picture me racing towards the register, the cashier lifting and then slowly flipping the box over, me flailing my arms yelling a long drawn out "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!". I was too late. I got to the cashier and said, "What was that!?!? You ruined the cake!" Her response, "I had to scan the barcode." I said, "You're supposed to peel the sticker off and scan just that part. That's why they attach it to the plastic part." Her response..."Well, no one told me that."

It's scary to think that you'd have to tell someone not to flip a cake upside down. But, {sigh}, then again, she was just doing her job. Painted roadkill and ruined cakes are pretty minor compared what could happen from such complete stupidity and lack of thinking.

It's just like the famous line in Seinfeld..."I can think of another group of people that were just doing their jobs....that's right, the Nazis."

Questionable Intentions...

2009-02-06T22:52:00.006-06:00

I consider myself a fairly social person. I like to go to parties, happy hours and all that good stuff. I like to meet new people too. However, there are a lot of people that when you first meet, ask you all sorts of seemingly innocent questions, when they are really trying to find out something else. (This is especially prevalent in the dating scene) We've all been in these situations and I'm sure you find it as incredibly annoying as I do.

I call them Inquestionals: Poorly disguised questions that are an intentional attempt to obtain personal information about you.

Here's a list of some inquestionals and what the people are really trying to say.

1. Where did you go to school?
-Was my school better so I can feel intellectually superior to you?

2. When did you graduate?
-Are you older or younger than you look?

3. What do you do?
-Approximately how much money do you make?

4. What do you drive?
-Just checking to see if my approximation of your salary is accurate.

5. What does your dad do?
-How can a (answer to #3) afford to drive a (answer to #4)...must be family money?

6. Where do you live?
-Just exactly how much family money are we talking about here?

7. Where are your parents from?
-I can't tell if you're Japanese, Chinese, Korean, etc. (or any other type of foreigner)

8. How did you meet? (asking a couple, or from one person to a group of friends)
-Please give me some ideas on how to meet people, I'm so, so lonely.

Here's a few that the newly married couples out there always get...

9. So, How's married life?
-Are you completely miserable yet, or still in that annoying honeymoon phase?

10. When are you gonna have kids?
-When will the romance and spontaneity be removed from your sex life and your lives become miserable and completely absent of all freedom like ours?

And that's what I think about that. Any questions?

I was speechless...

2009-02-05T21:16:00.006-06:00

Yeah, you read that right. Me...JewBoy...Speechless.

It was a few years ago, My dad, his friend, his friend's son and I went to San Diego for the night. It was time for dinner and we drove into La Jolla. (A very upscale area of San Diego) There was an area with 4 nice restaurants. We pulled up to the Valet in my dad's friend's brand new Cadillac and felt like trailer trash. It looked like an exotic car showroom. Vintage Rolls Royces, Bentleys, Ferraris, Porsches and so on. Unbelievable. Anyway, we picked the Italian restaurant. We were seated, and began chatting. This was typical guy chat...dirty jokes, critiques of the women in the restaurant, whose were real, whose were after-market, you know, the usual. As you know from reading previous posts, my dad and I have a pretty inappropriate sense of humor. His friend and his son were no different. We noticed a table with a large party about 20 feet away that became the topic of discussion. There was an older man who everyone entering the restaurant shook hands with or kissed. There were several females, some attractive and some very attractive. I think there was a couple of other people too...who knows, they're not important to the story. I think it goes without saying that our conversation was fairly "colorful".

Then it happened.

We were pretty engrossed in our conversation when out of nowhere, a woman came over to our table and put her hand on my dad's shoulder. She looked at all of us and said... "I just have to tell you guys that you are hilarious." Huh? She went on to say she had a couple of brothers so she knew what it was like and thought it was funny and just wanted to tell us. Huh? Then she dropped the bomb and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, let me explain. I work at the national institute for the deaf and am a professional lip reader. I have been sitting at that table over there and read everything you guys said. But, it's not me that got implants, it's the other girl and yes she does some modeling. The old guy's not Mafia, but his relative is..." and all the crap we were talking about.

Yes, she repeated all of the topics from our entire conversation to us, word for word. Then she said, "Have a great night" and returned to her table. We were all absolutely speechless and afraid to say another word. We had to quickly think up a strategy, this was too good not to talk about.

Anything on the table became our shield from the lip reader. Menus, napkins, pretending to wipe our faces while we talked, they were all sneaky tricks to keep our conversation to ourselves. Our stealthy skills must have worked because we were able to eat our (very delicious) meal and leave without the mafia brother, or whoever else was at that table kicking our asses for all the shit we were talking.

The moral of the story: Always watch what you say...because you never know who else might.

Going Postal...

2009-02-04T17:58:00.006-06:00

I get the feeling our mail carrier hates our building. I can't say that I blame him/her. There are a few people here that frequently don't get their mail. They're either out of town, too lazy, or both. But whatever the reason, their boxes fill up, making it difficult for the carrier to deliver the mail. So as an act of postal rebellion, instead of just leaving the mail in the basket that we put under the mailboxes, he/she just crams it in the box. So, even though I get my mail every day without fail, I get the pleasure of coming home to this every day. (except Sundays and holidays)

I mean really... is this necessary? There was one letter and one advertisement and PLENTY of room for them to both peacefully co-exist in the mailbox. But no, they got jammed in there and mangled almost beyond recognition. The worst part is that there were valuable coupons in those advertisements. I mean, I don't mind the people at the restaurants thinking I'm a cheap ass, but I don't want them to think I'm a slob too. Sheesh.

So I'm thinking about planning some sort of creative retaliation. Maybe I'll just mail bundles of blank letters to myself with "DO NOT BEND" written on them. Maybe I'll randomly switch the order of the mailbox name labels every day. Either way I'll be able to collect the evidence needed to submit a perfectly legitimate complaint about my mail being ruined or incorrectly delivered...and I'll take that bastard down. So here's a warning to you, angry mail carrier... Knock it off, you're messing with the wrong male's mail.

Maybe if I hang this over the mailbox, it will help...

Photo Hunt...

2009-02-03T20:31:00.011-06:00

The last few posts have been very word heavy, so today has lots of pictures. Kind of like a video daily double. Good luck.

I took some pictures of my things and Schnoozle's things. See if you can tell what's mine and what's Schnoozle's. As always, click on the image for a larger view.

Clothing:

Medicine Cabinet:

Food:

Movies:

Books:

Was it too easy?

6 More Weeks...Might as well learn some new words...

2009-02-02T22:17:00.013-06:00

I was going to draw some pictures, but I left my mouse at work and trying to draw in MS Paint with a touch-pad is impossible. Maybe tomorrow...

So here's some new words for ya...

It's happened to all of us, you're talking to someone who is desperately trying to sound intelligent. However, instead, they demonstrate their:

Fauxcabulary- The description for the vocabulary of someone that regularly uses words incorrectly. Here's a perfect example- "Honestly, irregardless of how this turns out, we just know this is going to be a reoccurring event, so arguing about it is really a mute point." They need to take a Fauxking English class.

I'm not really into sports that much. But, it always amazes me when I see people getting so riled up at the other people watching the game. Especially when they don't want the same team to win. So after watching the Superbowl last night, this word came to mind.

Fanimosity- The immense hatred felt between sports fans rooting for different teams.

Person 1- "Can I borrow your phone?"
Person 2- "Sure here you go. Wait...{wipes it off on jeans and hands it to you} ok here."

Cell Philm- That layer of face grease that is always on the screen of your cell phone no matter what article of clothing you wipe it on.

Cell Philm reminds me of when I was a little boy and would go over to my Gramma's house. I'd pick up the phone to make a call and without fail, the entire earpiece was covered in make up.

I call this:

Phonedation- The build up of foundation make up on the phones of all Grammas that you have to wipe off before using. Otherwise, you'll end up with a Gramma colored smudge on your cheek.

Well, I'm pretty wiped myself, time for bed.

Wisdumb and Dumber...

2009-02-01T22:08:00.004-06:00

Once again, it's time for a little Wisdumb. These are things I have learned...usually the hard way.

1. Using the bathroom at work or a restaurant can save a substantial amount of money on toilet paper. In times like these, every little bit helps.

2. If you drive a stick shift car, leave it in the gear you will be using when you return to the car.

3. Smell the milk before you drink it...in the glass, not the container.

4. For the men out there- When you've been outside in the cold for a while, warm up your hands a little before you urinate. You've all done it and know what I mean.

5. In the winter, after you get off of a fabric couch to go to bed, touch a metal chair or table or something non-electric before turning off the light. The light switch will shock you way worse, way way worse.

6. Waiters and Waitresses handle plates all day. I would go as far as to say that they are subject matter experts on plate temperature. There is no need to validate their knowledge.

7. Inside your car is absolutely the worst possible place to keep the lock de-icer.

8. The saying "A sharp knife is a safe knife" is a load of crap. All it means is that the cut will be so clean, it will take longer to realize you've made a near-fatal wound to your finger.

That's all for tonight. I'm off to dream about a shadowless groundhog.

If It Were Up To Me...

2009-01-31T23:31:00.001-06:00

After yesterday's filth, tonight will be a cleaner post.

I think we've all been there. You're in a situation and you think to yourself, "If it were up to me..."

Well here's how some things would be if it were up to me.

1. All spoons would have a rubber squeegee edge on one side. That way I could get all of the ice cream out of the bowl.

2. All car doors would slide open like mini vans or Lamborghini's. Door dings really piss me off.

3. Toilet paper would be banned and replaced everywhere with the far superior wet wipes. Thousands of years of civilization and no one has found a better way to wipe your ass than a wad of thin dry paper?

4. Car stereo stores would run a permanent sale. Buy 2 or more sub-woofers, get a free vasectomy.

5. Pizza, nachos and bacon would have the same nutritional value and be just as healthy as spinach, carrots and bananas...so I would have no muffin tops.

6. Wegmans would be a national chain..no, an international chain...no, an intergalactic chain.

7. Airplanes would have a small section of seats surrounded by soundproof glass. That is where all passengers under the age of 10 would sit.

8. You would never be able to see a Starbucks while in another Starbucks.

9. Towels around the waist would be mandatory in every men's locker room when doing anything besides showering. If men want to shave, brush their teeth, make phone calls and talk to people naked, they can join a nudist colony. No one wants to see old hairy balls.

10. Internet access would be blocked for all Nigerian royalty.

11. The Adventures of JewBoy and Schnoozle would win the Bloscar (Oscar for blogs) for best blog ever.

Stimulating Packages...

2009-01-30T21:39:00.007-06:00

WARNING: THIS POST IS DIRTY, Rated R at least. So, if you're sheepish, skip to a different post. For all the perverts out there....enjoy.

So everything in the news lately talks about the "Stimulus Package". How much is it going to be and who's going to get it? Well, one group that wants to help "stimulate peoples packages" is the porn industry. They also have their hand (and many other parts) out for some of the package. Apparently the Porn industry is struggling too. See the article here.

So, in an effort to help the porn industry, I thought I'd give them some ideas for porno versions of popular movies.

Here they are:

Orifice Space- Wait till you see where Milton hides his stapler.

Underwear, Rise in the Lyc"Hanes"- Blood's not the only thing these Vampires are sucking.

Cumdog Million Hairs- Join Chai-Wallah Jamal on his sexual adventures in India...where the women are plentiful and the razors are scarce.

The Furious Face on Benjamin's Buttman- Old or young, guess who's playing catcher tonight?

Fatangouille (fat-n-gooey)- A young chef uses some plus sized ladies as his culinary canvas.

How to lose a Hyman in 10 days- Spoiler: It skips the first 9.

Beverly Hills Cock 3- 9021....Oh Oh Ohhhhhhhh!

Titandick- On this boat, everyone's "going down".

The Incrediballs- This is one packed sack ready to attack.

Men in Black...Women- These men are tired of their "vanilla" sex lives.

One Hundred and One Dumbasians- These treasures of the Orient all love the same thing, doggy style.

Ass Good, Ass It Gets- A bountiful buffet of big old bootys.

Pokemom- Animated MILFs that are guaranteed to "Catch Em All".

Ok, I think that's enough. As funny as some of these may be, I think the best part is there is about a 100% chance my mom will read this. All I can say is, I gave fair warning.

The Truth Behind The Facts...

2009-01-29T21:44:00.010-06:00

Just as a warning, these are the answers to (and stories behind) yesterday's puzzle. So, if you haven't done the puzzle yet, click here. I put it upside down so it doesn't spoil it if you accidentally look.

Here's the explanation of the answers:

2 Across- Stevie. Although technically Stevie II is a better answer, for this puzzle I felt Stevie was more appropriate and less confusing. Give yourself a bonus point if you know that the name for the full system is Stevie Blu-Ray Vaughn.

4 Across- Stinky Tofu. Yes, that's the actual name for it and it's one of the most popular street food snacks in Taiwan. No matter what you are thinking, I guarantee it's way worse. It's this foul smelling, pungent, deep fried, fermented tofu. I equate it to the aroma of a sweaty gym sock that's been balled up in an old shoe worn by someone that runs marathons in a sewer.

5 Across- Taiwan. Yes, Schnoozle, like most of the things you own, was also made in Taiwan.

6 Across- Wegmans. Obviously. Any grocery store with 6 dedicated groups to it on Facebook totaling over 40,000 members is clearly in a league of it's own. Suck it Kroger, Safeway, and every other store...Except Trader Joe's, I like it there too.

7 Across- Keith. He came with that name. He was a rusty, white, beat up 1990 pathfinder. The girl I bought it from said "We named it Keith cause it looked kind of like an old white dude". I told her my friends called it Keef, cause it was kind of ghetto, she laughed and said her' friends did too. RIP buddy.

9 Across- See through. This goes mostly for any clothing worn by women. (Not fat women.)

10 Across- Snacks and free. I love to snack, especially on free stuff. Double Yum.

1 Down- Jeans and Boobs. This is the outfit that usually follows an appearance of NudieSchnooz. The outfit includes jeans, socks are optional...that's it. Any appearance of Schnoozle wearing this outfit is immediately followed by JewBoy singing "Head, shoulders, jeans and boobs, jeans and boobs" follwed by an attempted molestation...and a slap.

3 Down- Muffin Tops. Named for the place where the muffin explodes from the pan. This is the area of my back and sides that tends to roll over my pants. Also known as Love handles or the spare tire. It's a work in progress.

8 Down- Kiefer. After Keith was tragically killed. I replaced him with Keifer. He's a beautiful Black 1997 Nissan Pathfinder. My dad calls it the Blackfinder.

Pop Quiz!!

2009-01-28T08:49:00.015-06:00

Surprise! It's a pop quiz on facts about JewBoy and Schnoozle. Since it's an activity that's about facts....I thought up a new word, yup, a Factivity. Today's factivity will be a crossword puzzle.

Here goes: (click on puzzle for full size, or to print)

If you think you've solved it, send your answers to jmail119@gmail.com. You can email for hints too if you want.

Good Luck!! Answers will be posted tomorrow.

MicroMydeas

2009-01-27T21:19:00.007-06:00

So as you know, I always have crazy ideas. From the ridiculous FlatuScents to the actual decent ideas like Windshield Scripers. Tonight is gonna be a list of MicroMydeas. These are quick ideas that I haven't taken the time to think through fully, or diagram out thoroughly. They'd just things I think should exist and it makes me think, "Why not?" I leave it up to you, faithful reader, to tell me which ones to pursue.

MicroMydea 1:

So I saw a survey on Facebook today that said... "Which energy source do you think should be pursued?" Wind, Solar or Hydro. I thought to myself, why do I have to pick only one?
Why not cover windmills with solar panels. They're outside all day and already have generators feeding some kind of battery, why not make them useful if it's not windy. Duh.

MicroMydea 2:

Every night that we cook, we have to clean. I hate it. My wonderful food coma is ruined by the thought of having to clean up. The stove and microwave are two of the most annoying. (Despite Schnoozle's efforts, I still have a bad habit of not covering things.) How come the oven has self cleaning but nothing else does? Really, no one has thought of this? We have robot vacuums and floor cleaners. There's even self cleaning showers and toilets, and no one has found a better way to clean the microwave or stove. What the hell?

MicroMydea 3:

Parallel parking is a pain in the ass. Some car companies have tried to make it easier, but they still haven't found a good, cost-effective way. Why don't they just make a car where all four wheels can turn the full 90 degrees. That way, the car could just pull in sideways. Just put a small electric motor on one of the wheels or something. It'd be so easy, even an Asian could park with ease. (No offense Schnoozle, but your people aren't exactly known for their parking skills) Plus, it'd be a lot faster. On top of that, the cars could park closer together so there could be more spots on a street. Awesome.

MicroMydea 4:

How come no one has found a good way to make food alcoholic? I would love to get wasted off a slice of pizza or have a great burger buzz. I realize alcohol is a liquid, but I want someone to find a way to make it in a powder or something that you can add to food. All the fun without the added calories and trips to the bathroom you get from all the drinks. I'll open up the first restaurant to feature alcoholic food. The InEatBriated Cafe. All the Drunk with none of the Drink.

Cheers!

A Slippery Situation...

2009-01-26T21:21:00.020-06:00

So as I mentioned in More Einsteins, I spent 7 years working at the worlds greatest grocery store, Wegmans. Think I'm exaggerating (about it being the best, not the 7 years) ? Pick up a copy of this month's Fortune magazine and check out the #5 best company to work for. I'll give you a hint, it's not Safeway, Albertson's, Tops, Lund's or Byerly's. Nope, they didn't even make the list. The next closest chain is Whole Foods at a distant #22, unless you count Nugget Market (Whatever the hell that is.) at #10. It was Wegmans baby. I couldn't be more proud.

You are probably imagining Wegmans as a spectacular wonderland of exquisite food and household supplies. A place where the aisles are paved with gold and the shopping carts all roll perfectly straight. You couldn't be closer to the truth.

Everyday at Wegmans is perfect. The Ahi is perfectly seared, the produce is unbruised and ripe, the bread's hot and crusty and the milk and eggs are so fresh, the cows and chickens don't even know they're gone.

Well, except for one day...

Like I mentioned, I was one of the managers at the store. Whenever there was a problem, the cashier would turn on their light and I was the guy wearing a tie that would come over to fix it. Well one day one of the cashiers turned on her light. I looked over and she was waving frantically to me to come over. I walked over and got about halfway through "What can I do for..." and then I saw it, all over the floor in the register aisle. An old man had a complete diasaster. Apparently while waiting in line, he crapped his pants, paid for his items and walked out the door. He had no idea it even happened. I quickly closed down the register and blocked both sides with the wet floor cones. I called maintenance and they came over and prompty cleaned up the mess. Well, not quite promptly enough. Apparently, while the register aisle was the epicenter of the "assplosion*", there were some "aftersharts*". These aftersharts left a couple wet spots on the floor past the register on the way to the exit. In the approximately 30 seconds it took the maintenance man to get there and clean it up, (yes, only 30 seconds, I'm telling you, everything about that store was a model of efficiency and excellence) a woman walking by the back of the register on the way to the exit slipped and fell.

Click on diagram below for detailed view:

This alone would have been bad enough. (Of course when I say bad, I mean hilarious.) Unfortunately, anytime a customer slips of falls, a formal report has to be created. I of course, having witnessed the incident first hand had to document this.

Anyone who has ever seen the movie Porky's will vividly remember the scene where Ms. Ballbreaker asks for a penis line up to identify the boy who was spying on the girls shower. My co-worker and I had a similar experience while trying to document and explain to the store manager how a customer had an accident and slipped and fell in the "accident" of the other customer. Keeping a straight face was nearly impossible.

Glossary:

Assplosion: Anytime a bowel movement uncontrollably exits an individual with extreme force.

Aftershart: The residual and less intense wet flatulence that follows the initial assplosion.

Imerginary Ideas...

2009-01-25T22:01:00.011-06:00

So a while back I heard a funny story that Pepsi and Pfizer were working on a deal to merge. Their product would be a highly caffeinated citrus beverage that cures impotence. It's name of course would be "Mount and Do".

That got me thinking about some other unlikely mergers. I call them Imerginary Ideas. In other words, imaginary mergers that I'd love to see.

Here's a few:

What if Pfizer and Metamucil worked together to create a single wonder drug for older men that cures impotence and constipation? They could call it "Easy Come, Easy Go". Guaranteeing a fantastic evening for a "regular" guy.

How about if Victoria's Secret and DSW merged? They could create a mega store called "Breast Foot Forward". Specializing in Jugs and Uggs.

What if the Catholic Church bought the national chain of children's pizza and video game restaurants? "Chuck E. Jesus....Where a kid can be....." Hmmmmm, on second thought, that could be dangerous.

And finally...What if Dell stopped using outsourced Indian companies for technical support and instead hired strippers? Their extended service plan could be..."Dell Platinum Support...The Best In Laptop(less) Service".

Any ideas from the peanut gallery?

Oh somehow I...I'm still alive...

2009-01-24T23:44:00.001-06:00

I don't know how I've made it this far but I somehow seem to thrive. I've said oh so many things that made the Schnoozle mortified, but somehow I......I'm still alive....woahhhh woahhhhh..... and so on. (read it again to the tune of "I will survive", including the title, just in case you didn't catch that)

So yeah, anyone that knows me, or had the pleasure of being in the limo or at dinner tonight probably knows what I mean. I have a pretty good talent for pushing Schnoozle's patience to the limits...and then way past that. The story of Stevie II was one good example. I recommend it as a pre-requisite to this post.

Tonight we attended a birthday party for a friend from Schnoozle's work. Also in attendance was her boss, several co-workers and friends of friends. Naturally the conversation steered towards what a whack-job I am and all the ridiculous things I do. I thought it would be appropriate to put together a short list of things I've done and somehow managed to live through.

The Wedding:

So as I'm sure everyone knows, my personality and sense of humor tend to drift into the realm of inappropriate from time to time. Our wedding day was no different.

I had my best man hand the pastor a grape ring pop when she asked for the rings.

I gave the pastor a list of reasons to read about the Jewish tradition of breaking the glass which included "the last time a married man gets to put his foot down" as one of them.

I picked her up and flipped her during the first dance. (Which accidentally tore the ties that held the long part of dress up...oops)

I gave a speech where I thanked her parents for raising such a beautiful daughter. I then added "But more importantly, I'm thankful for the language barrier, because if they had any idea what I was saying half the time, there's no way in hell they'd let her near me.

Even after all that, she still agreed to marry (and stay married) to me. I knew I had a keeper.

A Typical Day At Home:

One day I got home from work and was a little antsy. I was wearing new socks that happened to be a little slippery on the hardwood floors. I knew it could be better though. So, I pledged the whole part of the floor from the kitchen through the dining room into the living room. I spent about 3 or 4 minutes sliding around and having a blast. Then my attention span (or lack thereof) kicked in and I found something else to do...watch TV, play on the computer, look at something shiny, whatever. About an hour later, Schnoozle came home from work, took off her shoes and walked towards the kitchen. Yup, she slid and nearly killed herself. While on the floor, she saw the can of pledge (I really should have put that back) on the counter and instantly figured out what happened. I then had the impossible task of trying to explain why on earth I would have done something like that. I think I mumbled something about it "seeming like a good idea at the time". We both narrowly escaped death that day.

A Typical Shopping Trip:

Another day, we were at Victoria's Secret. Schnoozle needed a new Bra. The sales lady came up and asked her what size she was. Without flinching, I held up both my hands, cupped them and said "they're about this big"...then ducked.

So what will it be next? Who knows? But one thing is for sure, I'll keep her on her toes...which isn't necessarily a bad thing...it makes her almost as tall as a normal sized person.

The Last Thing A Bug Sees....

2009-01-23T19:27:00.010-06:00

So the joke goes like this...

What's the last thing a bug sees before it hits your windshield?

It's ass.

I think this might have a bit of a chicken and egg story. Some of you may remember this famous Porsche Poster that I am pretty sure is from 1996.

Great car and a great ad. But, which came first? Was it the joke that inspired the ad, or was it the ad that inspired the joke. Or, did those crazy Germans just come up with it? Let's face it, Germans aren't exactly known for their sense of humor, so I'm guessing the joke was around before the ad.

Anyway, bugs on windshields are what led me to today's Mydea.

Here's the usual scenario. You're out driving and a bug (or several bugs) hits your windshield as shown in the lovely image above. Bam! There it is in the middle of your field of vision. Even though years of experience should have taught you better, you pull back the wiper arm in an attempts to wash it off the window. You cross your fingers hoping that this time will be different, but...Nope. Sure enough, it smears bug guts all over the windshield in a perfect arc and is way worse than the single spot of bug guts was. For anyone that shares my obsessive compulsive disorder for a clean windshield, this is absolute torture.

Well, as I'm sure you have guessed, I've solved the problem.

Windshield Scripers: Windshield wipers that have a built in scrubby sponge to effectively clean off any bugs or other nastiness from the windshield. It's kind of like my other half and half ideas, since it's half wiperand half scrubby sponge. This one's a little more serious. See diagram and explanation below. (Click on picture for larger view.)

It functions as a normal wiper when set to intermittent, low or high. But, when you pull back the lever to "wash", the arm pivots at the pivot point shown in the diagram to put the green scrubby sponge side against the window while the wiper fluid is dispensed. The scrubby sponge along with the wiper fluid quickly powers through any stuck on bug guts, then it pivots back to the normal wiper blade part to do the final "squeegee" wipe, leaving the windshield clean and dry. The scrubby sponge part would snap on to the wiper arm so that it can be replaced independent of the rest of the wiper assembly. Plus, since the scrubby part is doing all of the major scraping of baked on goop, the wipers would last much longer anyway. See how I'm always thinking about saving money? After a few months, the scrubby part would be full of bug guts and other grime, so you can just replace it.

Genius? Just so so? Stupid? Let me know what you think.

P.S. Consider this copyrighted, tradmarked, or whatever else I have to do to make sure I can get credit if anyone steals this idea. Any of my readers patent attorneys?

Shout Out To The Peanut Gallery....

2009-01-22T22:22:00.012-06:00

So tonight is going to be a little change from the normal post. I do my best to create 100% original content for this blog. The words, ideas, jokes, stories, etc, are all things I've come up with on my own. So, if you see any of it somewhere else, it's purely coincidence.

However, it appears that I have been a bit of an inspiration to some of my readers. I have gotten blog topic, idea and word suggestions from friends, family members and co-workers. I'd like to take the opportunity to share a couple of what I consider to be some of the best of these.

1).
A friend of mine works as a teacher in a middle school. Apparently they've been having a bit of an issue with the bathrooms. The kids have decided that they would like to use the floor as a urinal and the walls for some fecal artistry. Lovely. He was lucky enough to get the job of checking the bathrooms for such issues. While inspecting the condition of the bathrooms, the following word of the day came to him.

Doo-doo Diligence: The act of thoroughly inspecting all of the available bathroom stalls or port-o-pottys to find the cleanest one to use.

2).
This one came from my dad. We've all been there. Whether it's a toll booth, grocery check out, port-o-potty, or something similar, there's a good chance of a line. This will cause you to find yourself in the following situation...

Dislaneia: The act of getting into what appears to be the shortest line, but having it end up taking the longest amount of time.

3).
Of course, there's gonna be one from me. I had a former roommate that watched quite a bit of Television. On many occasions he would attempt to watch two things at once. Typically this was a sit-com and a sporting event. Over the years he became quite skilled at this and was able to master the art of...

TV-Advoidance: The ability to change the channel right before the advertisements and flip back just as the show is returning. Done skillfully, this maximizes the amount of time you get to watch the secondary program while not missing any of the crucial details of the primary program. However, it's worth noting that if you have not mastered this skill, it's INCREDIBLY annoying for anyone else that is watching TV with you.

Feeling inspired? Got an idea you think is a good one? Send me your thoughts, because everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Must "Half" Mydeas...

2009-01-21T18:03:00.008-06:00

So as I mentioned yesterday, I have a couple of half and half Mydeas of my own. I thought of all sorts of things that are typically separate but might work better together. Hardwood carpets, windshield wipers with built in ice scrapers, hot dog shaped hamburgers. (I thought that would be more appetizing than a hamburger shaped hot dog, even I'm grossed out by the thought of that. Plus, there'd be no more need to make two different shapes of buns which means you are more likely to have a matching number of buns and burgers/dogs) I also thought about laptops with built in projectors and a whole bunch of other things. I settled on two for today.

Here goes:

Ketchard: (catch-erd, accent on the catch) Half Ketchup, Half Mustard. Think of it as the Goober Grape of picnic condiments. This would be a perfectly balanced blend of ketchup and mustard (a little heavier on the ketchup of course) in one convenient container. It would come out in a similar way as toothpaste, in that the two would be distinguishably separate, but next to each other. (As shown in the image above) This saves space in the fridge or the picnic basket, which means...more room for beer...which takes us to the next "half and half" mydea.

The Phonepener A3D: (phone-pen-er) Half Mobile Phone, Half Bottle Opener. Let's say you're at a picnic and you grab a burger off the grill, add a little Ketchard, take a bite...it's delicious. Now you need something cold to wash that down. You grab a Corona, or a Heineken and after mutilating your hand, you remember that it's not a twist off. No problem, just grab a bottle opener. Ohhhhhhh...you don't have a bottle opener? Well, I bet you have your phone. Everyone these days always has their phone. Look into any car you drive next to...one hand on the wheel, one hand on the phone. It's pretty much become an appendage for most people. The Phonepener makes perfect sense to me. With the Phonepener you can crack open that cold one anywhere and enjoy. Whether you're at a picnic, a party, out on the boat or the golf course, there's no barrier between you and your beer.

But JewBoy, Why is it called the A3D? Ah Ha! I'm glad you asked.

With the integrated bottle opener, the phone is able to keep track of how many beers it has opened. It's sophisticated internal software knows who has opened the beer (finger print identification) and can calculate the approximate tolerance of the person (Calculates BMI from their fat, sweaty hand). This is where the A3D steps in. Automatic Drunk Dial Disabler. That's right, the phone will know if you've had too much to drink and automatically disable the ability to make any late night phone calls or send text messages. This effectively eliminates that hungover morning of embarassment. So drink all you want, you don't have to worry about explaining to your clingy psycho ex-girlfriend/boyfriend the next morning why you called them at 3am and begged them to take you back.

The Halfs and Half Nots...

2009-01-20T21:43:00.003-06:00

Tonight's post is a little long, so get comfy...

So it was a big day today. We "half" a new president. The biggest deal of course, is that he's the first black president. Well, sort of. Technically, he's only half black...which is why he is frequently referred to in the media as "halfrican". (A non-derogatory word describing anyone who has one black parent) I feel like calling him black is like calling Brunch- Breakfast or Lunch. Yeah, it's sort of right, but it's just not the same. Brunch is so much more than just breakfast or lunch. It's this delicious meal where you can sleep in, then wake up and have eggs, bacon, french toast, coffee, macaroni and cheese, roast beef, chicken wings and fancy desserts all at the same buffet. Oh, how I love Brunch. Anyway, I digress...I give him lots of credit, he's worked hard, he's smart, a good speaker and my former roommate who's locker was next to his at the country club in Chicago says he's a real nice guy. He's walked into quite a shit-storm, but continues to be inspiring, positive and committed to making change. I wish him the best of luck, he'll need it.

Obviously I'm all for ethnic integration, look at Schnoozle and me. What would happen if we had a child (no, we don't have any plans to do that anytime soon, if ever, so stop asking) and it grew up to be president. Would it be the first Jewish president or the first Asian president? Could it be both? Would that be double dipping? So many questions...

So all the events of today made me think of other well known "half and halfs". Some of them have risen to greatness, like Obama, and some of them, well, not so much. I call them, The Halfs and Half Not's. Here goes....

We'll start with "The Halfs"...

The Knork: Half knife, half fork, all genius. While similar to the spork, I purposely picked this one instead. While the spork is excellent, (and found pretty much only at KFC) it doesn't free up a hand. Knife and forking requires two hands. With the knork, your non-dominant hand stays free to hold a book or newspaper open, or even use a phone. It's a triumph in efficiency.

The Arnold Palmer: Half iced tea and half lemonade, all delicious. Tea too plain and bitter? Lemonade too sweet and tart? No problem, this is the perfect solution. Cool and refreshing all while being not too sweet or too bland. This is a hole in one.

The Futon: Half couch, half bed, all business. I don't think I know anyone who didn't have one of these at some point during college. The futon is also affectionately known as the "Flip-N-Fuck" for it's tendency to host a variety of hook ups. Overall, it's the most cost effective way for a struggling college student to be able to sit and watch TV but still host the occasional freeloading house guest. Awesome.

Boxer Briefs: Half Boxer, Half Brief. The comfort you want with the support you need. It's like a sports bra for your testicles.

2-in-1 Shampoo/Conditioners: Half Shampoo, Half Conditioner. I did extensive calculations and added up the time it takes in the shower to get wet, wash your hair, rinse, condition, rinse, then wash your body and rinse. A 2-in1 can provide up to a 17% reduction in shower time. At an estimated 7 minutes a shower, that's a little over 1 minute saved per shower. That's almost a whole alarm clock snooze per week. Brilliant.

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups: Half Chocolate, Half Peanut Butter, totally decadent.
Dear Mr. Reeses,
You Rock!
Love,
Everyone without peanut allergies.

Now for the Half Nots...

The El Camino: Half Car, Half Pickup Truck, completely stupid. Found in overgrown front yards of trailers everywhere. Note to the Subaru Baja, you should have known better.

The Mullet: Half Business, Half Party. Usually found attached to the head of El Camino drivers. We can thank Billy Ray for this gem...and for Hannah Montana. Someone please add "Crippling kick to the groin of young Billy Ray" to Marty McFly's to do list.

The Keytar: Half Guitar, Half Keyboard, completely 80's. I'm guessing Keytar Hero won't be found on video game store shelves anytime soon.

Rupaul: Half Man, Half Woman, maybe. Whatever happend to this train wreck? Has she been officially replaced by the pregnant man? Sachet, Shonte...Go Away...and stay there.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's edition- Half and Half Mydeas.

This Little Piggy...

2009-01-19T18:32:00.006-06:00

So, today I received two comments on last night's post.

1. Anonymous said...

What was that? Did you get a ghost writer? Come back!

January 19, 2009 8:48 AM

2. Anonymous said...

This post was not funny. Maybe you need to find a new hobby!

January 19, 2009 11:32 AM

I'll address the second comment. First of all, I think it's funny. Is it my best work? Probably not, but I think it's still amusing. I'd even say it's funnier than the "Made In Taiwan" shirt I designed for Schnoozle. I also think it was good considering it was well after midnight and instead of skipping a day, I came up with something 100% original (like I have done everyday for the past 40 days) so my loyal followers wouldn't be without a post.

Consider the first word a bit of historical political satire. On today of all days, (MLK) I think it's funny to think that a policy like that could have ever been considered ok. It's nice to see how far we've come. Also, it's a play on words for "lactose intolerance"...in case you missed that.

For the second part...In times of financial crisis like we have now, the feeling of instocksication is a rare one at best. So, when you see some of your money actually coming back, it's truly spectacular and worth making a word about.

As for the title, "Piggies and the Market" I think it's fair to say that's a clever twist on the two words. We're all familiar with "this piggy went to market' that our parents played with our toes as little kids. This ties in with the toes theme of the first word. The word "Market" is a pun on the "Market" reference in the second word. Suffice it to say, there's a lot going on here for a 3 minute late night post.

As for a new hobby, I was considering making cowardly anonymous negative postings on people's blogs, but unfortunately, there's already enough piggies in that market.

That is all.

Time for this little piggy to go have some roast beef.

Piggies And The Market...

2009-01-18T23:08:00.002-06:00

It's late, so just a couple of quick Words Of The Day.

Blacktoes Intolerant: Any spa that refuses pedicure services to african americans.

Instocksication:The brief sense of euphoria you feel when you look at your financial portfolio and everything has gone way up.

(One of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me...

2009-01-17T19:45:00.006-06:00

This will be the first what I'm pretty sure will be many posts known as "(One Of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me". Just to clarify, these will be describing the times when she knowingly and purposely wanted to prematurely end my life (prebeditated or not)...not the many times when I am riding in the car and she is suffering from DWA.

If you've ever watched any of the shows on TV where a new couple is house shopping, there is one thing that always happens without fail. They walk into the house, the girl looks around, comments on the carpet, the woodwork, the kitchen and all the other details. The guy always has one comment. "That's where I'd put the big TV". I'm no different. The first thing I bought when I moved to Minneapolis was a big TV. I named it Stevie. Stevie the TV. 42" to be exact, from Costco of course. Why Costco? Costco had the lifetime satisfaction guarantee. That means if for any reason, I became unhappy with the TV, I could return it for the full purchase price, no questions asked. Well, about 3 months after I bought the TV, they canceled that policy. Anyone who had purchased a TV was "grandfathered" in for one exchange. I knew that my use of the plan would have to be very well calculated as I only had one chance. Then it happened. About a year later the 50" version with all the new bells and whistles went on sale. I knew this was my chance. I told Schnooz that I was going to upgrade. She kind of shook her head and mumbled something about the fact that the existing TV was way too big for the room and me being retarded. I'm not sure exactly what she said since all I could think about was the new bigger TV and mostly because I wasn't really listening. I packed up the old TV, threw it in the back of the big car and off to Costco I went. I brought it in, told them that I moved the furniture around and now the TV was opposite a wall and had a bad glare. The new model had an anti-reflective coating so I wanted to get that one instead. They didn't even flinch and handed me a fistfull of cash. I got the new TV (Stevie II), put it in the car and headed back home. Mission successful. In fact, it's probably one of the best deals I've ever pulled off....next to my Northwest Airlines scheme...but that is for another day.

Stevie the TV is heavy. It weighs about 1.3 Schnoozles. (Note: A Schnoozle is a unit of weight measurement I have developed that is equal to the approximate weight of Schnoozle. For example, I weigh about 1.5 Schnoozles and a case of beer weighs about 0.2 Schnoozles.) There was no way that I could carry it up the stairs myself so I asked Schnoozle to help me. We got it upstairs and I started to open the box. That's when it all began. Schnooz saw the size of the new TV and began to flip out. It kind of went something like this..."That TV is way to big...blah blah blah...There was nothing wrong with the last one...It's too big for our little living room...blah blah blah...and some other stuff." All I could think was, I can't wait to see how great it looks. The TV came out of the box and after some more verbal abuse, I convinced her to help me lift it onto the table. Big mistake. We each grabbed an end started to lift. I got my side up, but Schnooz was struggling. Finally she blurted out, "DOWN, down, put it down". It was one thing for her to think that a new TV was stupid and a total waste, but, when her pride got hurt cause it was too heavy for her to lift, she pretty much went off the deep end. We put the TV down. Schnooz looked up at me, red faced and yelled "FU&K THIS!" and stormed off to sit at her computer desk. So now I'm in the living room, alone, with a giant TV on the floor. Great. I tried lifting it up a couple of times but no luck. Now, an important point here is that Schnooz's desk has a perfect line of sight to the living room. So, she can see me struggling. I wasn't about to give her that satisfaction, so I put the TV's box up on its side in the doorway to block her view. Haha! Take that! After many unsuccessful attempts, my engineering prowess came through and I figured out a way to get the TV on the table. TA DA! I hooked it all up and sat on the couch. Wow, it really was big for the room. Then I thought of a trick. I moved the bookcases over a little and slid the couch back, so it wouldn't look as big. From the couch I yelled, "SCHNOOZ!!!, COME IN AND LOOK". She begrudgingly walked in and sat down.

Think of everything you know about math and time. Now think about what the absolute smallest measurable amount of time could be? A millisecond, a microsecond, nanosecond maybe? Well take the smallest amount, then cut it in half. That's about how long it took Schnooz to realize that I had moved all the furniture to make the TV look smaller. My brilliant plan was exposed. Dammit. Schnooz- "You moved the furniture, it's still too big, you're an ass"

I looked at her and said, "Here's the deal, there's pretty much three things in this world that can't ever be too big. You have two of them, I have one, and the other is staying right there on the table." Somehow, Stevie II and I managed to live through that comment and that day.

Isn't he handsome?

Fowl Language...

2009-01-16T23:17:00.006-06:00

So it's gonna be a quick one tonight because I just got home and I'm tired. I have a couple of words of the day to hold you over until my next masterpiece. Whatever that will be.

A lot of people say that the key to comedy is

timing. I somewhat agree, but I think there is one thing that's more important...being able to tell the joke. Some people just can't seem to do it and it drives me crazy. They start out with, "Oh, I just heard this joke, it's like, something about getting to the other side...Hang on, let me think." Too late, you've ruined it. You said the punch line and now, no matter what you say, I know that's how it's going to end and it has no chance of being funny.

So here is our word of the day-

Premature Ejokulater (pronounced...E-Joke- You-later): Anyone who ruins a joke by telling the punchline too soon. This can also describe someone who asks mid joke "if this is that one about getting to the other side", equally irritating.

One more. Speaking of chicken, I feel that this next word of the day is appropriate. We all know that there is nothing more tasty than some hot, fresh perfectly seasoned fried chicken. The problem is that it's not particularly healthy...like most fried foods. However there are occasions where the aroma and appearance of a delicious fried food are sooooo good, that it becomes....

Justifryable: Any fried food that is so delicious smelling and tasting, (Extreme Skinners perhaps?) that it's worth the extra 2 hours on the treadmill (or Lipitor prescription) just to make up for eating it.

So there it is, a good post that's only a little bit fowl.

Small And Sticky...

2009-01-15T20:35:00.009-06:00

So, it's warmed up. Tonight is a balmy -11.7. There's lots of things you can do to stay warm, turn up the heat, maybe a little sexual wintercourse, layer up those clothes, or cuddle up under a blanket. We all know what type of material makes the warmest clothes and blankets?...wool of course. But what's the problem with wool? (I'll give you a hint---male genitalia and cold water) That's right, as you can see above, wool also suffers from shrinkage. One day, when I was a kid, my mom and I had a discussion about wool and sheep. We came to the conclusion that this problem could be solved. How?...you ask? Easy, pre-shrink the sheep. I mean really, just resolve the problem at the source. We get wool from sheep, then make the clothes from the wool, then the clothes shrink. If you were to shrink the sheep, the clothes wouldn't be able to. Makes perfect sense to me.

See the picture below:

As you can see, the sheep at the top is a normal untreated sheep. The lower sheep however, has been pre-shrunk. The sheep is submerged in soapy water, rinsed, then dried with a couple of hair dryers. Ta Da!!! Pre-Shrunk Sheep.

The next Mydea comes as a response to a couple of things. Apparently, I remind one of my co-workers of Michael Keaton's character in "Nightshift". He was always thinking up crazy ideas and recording them...For example, Mix the mayo with the tuna before you put it in the can...Brilliant stuff like that. It's a lot like what I do with with this blog. So as he was telling me the story today, I happened to be looking out the window at the cars in the snow covered parking lot. Then I looked at my shoes and was reminded of how I nearly slipped and killed myself about 4 times this morning. Then it came to me....

ShooZaks, by Bridgeston Murphy: Dress shoes (By Johnston Murphy) with snow tire tread (Bridgestone Blizzaks) on the bottom.

I happen to have Bridgestone Blizzaks on one of my cars and I can say first hand, they are like glue on ice and snow. Put that on the bottom of a shoe and slips and falls would be almost non-existant. So who's gonna make the first bid for Mydea? Bridgestone, Johnston Murphy, Health insurance companies...I'm open to anything.

So there it is...Something small and something sticky. What did you think I was gonna write about?

More Wit and Wisdumb...

2009-01-14T23:13:00.004-06:00

Today is going to be a bit of a blog buffet. There's going to be a Word Of The Day, some Wisdumb and a little more of "The Way I Am".

As you can see in the picture I just took, my trusty outdoor thermometer (found at your local Target store) says it is -12.3 degrees outside. That is just the ambient temperature, if you include wind chill, it's around -30 or so. How nice. There are a couple of things that happen when it's this cold outside. First, people don't really go anywhere, it's just too damn cold. Second, since people aren't going out anywhere, they stay home and try to keep warm. Finally, there is a rise in the number of births the following October and November. A rise in births you might ask? Yes. This is due to our word of the day.

Sexual Wintercourse: Any sexual act that occurs when people stay home to avoid the cold and try to keep warm. This typically happens in the coldest winter months of January and February, accounting for many of the births in October and November.

A bit of Wisdumb:

Brush your teeth before you get dressed in the morning. No matter how much you scrub the part of your clothing that the toothpaste landed on (and it will land on something) the white stain will reappear later and you run the risk of looking like Monica Lewinsky.

Finally, a little more on the way I am. So last night I ran a few "words of the day" by my dad. We were trying to pick the ones that were blog worthy. (Don't worry, they'll be in an upcoming post) This morning I received the following email:

(Click image for larger view)

Just a note, the second one is pronounced Sniff-full-liss.

       Again, 
                Tree-->     @ @ @  @ @ @
                           @  @\/@ @ /__@
                           @@@ @\ / @/  @ @
                          @\  \/@| @ | @
                         @__\@ \ |/ \| / @
                            __\|@|  ||/__/@
                           /  \ \\  / /__
                          @    \  \/ /   @
                                |" '|
                                |"  |
                                |"  |
                               ~|"  |~  @  <--Apple
                      ~~~~~~~~~       ~~~~~~~~~~

Two Dented Thumbs Up...

2009-01-13T18:29:00.012-06:00

It was 1987 and somehow I ended up in a production of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Typical type casting. Anyway, for my efforts, I was paid the handsome sum of $100. 1987 as some of you may remember was the year that the original Nintendo was released. So obviously, that's where the $100 went. Let me tell you, that was money well spent. I still have that Nintendo to this day and it's every bit as fun now as it was 22 years ago. However, there is one nasty side effect of excessive Nintendoing...which brings us to our first word of the day:

1. Carpal Thummel Syndrome: The dented and aching thumbs resulting from excessive video game playing.

Some of you may remember a very funny sketch on Saturday Night Live a few years back (when SNL was still occasionally funny) called Debbie Downer. It featured Lindsay Lohan and was really only funny because the cast couldn't keep it together. Watch the video below...

Debbie is the perfect example of our next word:

2. Kvetchitarian: Someone that is only capable of two types of verbal communication, whining and complaining. (For the non-jews, click here if you aren't familiar with the word Kvetch)

Ahhhhh, puberty. That painfully awkward time in everyone's life full of voice cracking, tall girls with short boys and of course, acne. Clearasil, Stridex, Neutrogena, it didn't matter, your efforts were futile against those pesky pimples because of our next word:

3. Rezitstance: The ability of a pimple to be completely unaffected no matter what or how much acne medication is applied to it. Rezitstance increases exponentially in conjunction with two factors. The first depends on where the pimple is located, the more obvious the zit, the more rezitstance. The second factor is the level of importance of any event you have to attend within the next few days. School dance, hot date, job interview, guess what? That zit isn't going anywhere.

So remember, don't be a Kvetchitarian about that zit, just stay home and play video games where no one will see you...but remember to rest those thumbs.

Prebeditated Murder...

2009-01-12T21:43:00.005-06:00

So last night I started brainstorming for tonight's entry. I decided it was gonna be a word of the day post, so I started thinking up words...and I didn't stop. I'd think of a word, then google it to make sure no one else had thought of it before. No results? Perfect, it's a keeper. I even brought my noteblook (The little notebook shown in the picture that Schnoozle bought for me to keep track of all my wacky ideas...she clearly underestimated the ramifications of that decision) to bed with me so I could keep brainstorming. Schnoozle was dead tired and already in bed trying to go to sleep since she had a 6:30am video conference. Naturally, every time she had just fallen asleep, I'd turn over, reach for my noteblook and scribble down another word...and of course, wake her up for her opinion. After about the eighth time, she had clearly had enough and pretty much threatened my life if I woke her up again. That of course, inspired me to think of our first word for today:

1. Prebeditated Murder: Having thoughts about how you are going to kill someone if they don't let you go to sleep.

I'm sure we have all experienced this next word. You go out to a bar and sure enough, it's Karaoke night. (Kro-Key if you are in Minnesota) Everything is going ok until that one person gets up there and gang rapes a classic song.

2. Karanokey: (pronounced Carry-No-Key) The act of singing an entire karaoke song, and much to the dismay of the audience, not hitting one note right.

Recently, I've had two separate occasions where someone has told me about a resume they received where one of the qualities listed by the applicant was "Attention to detail". The rest of the resume however, was riddled with errors. Misspellings, missing words, formatting issues, etc. Well, I've come up with a name for these people.

3. Ferpectionist: Any person who claims to possess the utmost "attention to detail" yet regularly sends emails or turns in work full of mistakes.

So it's been a long day, you get home from work and you're hungry. You open the fridge and there you are:

4. Refridgerwaiting: The act of standing in front of and staring into the (mostly empty) refrigerator that you already know all the contents of, hoping that you'll see something in there you want to eat that you didn't see the last three times you looked.

Stay tuned, I have a pretty good feeling there will be more coming tomorrow...unless Schnoozle follows through on her prebeditated plan.