My Breast Idea Yet....

Well, I've done it again. I've come up with yet another incredible idea. There has been a big movement lately for people to eat healthy, natural foods. I think it's fair to say that no food is more healthy, or natural, than breast milk. Now before you think I'm totally crazy...relax, I'm talking about for babies. While I'm sure there are some freakshow adults out there that have a breast milk fetish, that's not where I'm going with this post.

The first year or so of a baby's life is one of the most important for nutrition and growth. It's a well known fact that breast milk is just about the best thing you can feed a baby. This is clearly an untapped market. While many women would like to breast feed, they are either unable, or unwilling to do it. Maybe they can't produce milk, maybe it's too uncomfortable for them, maybe they don't want their bodies to suffer the traumatic effects that breast feeding can cause, maybe they just want to get back to their pre-pregnancy boozing...who cares? The point is, these guilt ridden (or possibly just selfish) are gonna be willing to pay top dollar to give their kids the best. And that's what I'm gonna give them. No more powder from a can for your little loved one...


I'd like to introduce:

Gourmammory Milks
The Only Gourmet, Packaged Breast Milks Available on the Market Today.

That's right, I'm talking about a full line of upscale, gourmet breast milk. Why not? Every other food is coming out in organic, natural versions, why not breast milk? These milks would be from a variety of lactating ladies, all closely supervised (by me of course) to ensure the highest quality of each of the varieties of breast milks. Each variety/vintage would come with a full description of the "donor" and their diet. The initial varieties would include milk from women with the following diets:

• Meat Eaters
  
• Vegetarian
• Vegan
• Organic
• Raw
• And of course...Kosher
  

Custom orders can be placed for any combination of the above from women of any age, ethnicity, or lifestyle choice. Applications are also being accepted for donors. Applications that do not include a picture will be ignored.

Mammary Mythbusting...

This post is dedicated to something near and dear to all our hearts (and especially near to the women's hearts). That's right, Boobs. I will once and for all "lift and separate" what's factual and what's ficTITious about these bouncy, buxom beauties.


Myth- "More than a handful is wasted."

False. Who came up with this line of crap? Wasted? Are you insane? Clearly this idea was invented by one of two people. It was either a flat chested chick trying to make herself and the rest of the No Titty Committee feel better about themselves, or it was a man who was never introduced to one of the greatest pastimes of all, Motorboating. Motorboating, for those of you that don't know, is the act of placing your face between a voluptuous set of boobies, then putting one hand on each, pressing them against your face and vigorously shaking your head from left to right while exhaling through your mouth. The sound made is similar to that of a motorboat engine....hence the name.

Myth- "If you've seen two, you've seen them all"

False....so, so, so very false. As one of my coworkers once so elequently put it. "Boobs are like snowflakes, they're all different and all beautiful in their own special way." I couldn't agree more. Whether big or small, round or flat, perky or saggy, the never ending variety of boobs has been separating men from their $1 bills and kept more single mothers employed than any other naturally occurring phenomenon.


Myth- "Men get tired of boobs."

False. Let me explain how this works. Imagine if you will, a typical man. He wakes up in the morning right before the sun comes out. He goes to a beach where he sits in a comfy lounge chair. It's important to note that this is a topless beach. In addition to that, it happens to be the most popular topless beach in the whole world. Oh yeah, and no other men go to it except for him. He sits there until the sun goes down watching an endless parade of beautiful topless girls walk by, play volleyball, splash around in the water and apply lots and lots of sun tan lotion. When it gets dark out, he packs up and heads home. On the way home he stops at the grocery store to pick up a couple of things. While standing in line at the register, the women in front of him wearing a V-Neck shirt turns around (now facing him) and leans over to remove an item from her shopping cart. I guarantee that he will do everything in his power to sneek a peek down her shirt. Why? Because it just never gets old.

Myth- "She's got fake boobs."

False. People say this all the time. I stand by the following statement: If I can touch them, they're real. I would however, accept the following terms for surgically altered boobs.
-Aftermarket
-Store Bought
-Bolt Ons
-Implants

Additional terms may be left in the comment section.

Myth- "Those boobs are too big."

True. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate hefty rack as much as the next guy. However, with all things, there is a limit. Let's just say, if your bra and your husbands suit jacket are the same size, (46L perhaps?) it's time to get those babies taken in a little.




Note: No, those are not Schnoozle's boobs...Even I know better than that.