There....I fixed it.

I've always considered myself a fairly handy person. Considering I did manage to get a degree in engineering, I should be. So, I found this to be particularly amusing. Some of you may have received the email forward titled "There, I fixed it." It's a series of pictures of "fixes" other people had made that, let's just say, were focused much more on function than form. I put some of my favorites into this little collage. I encourage you to click on the image so you can see a larger version of it.

This brings us to yesterday. While returning to our car in the parking garage, I came across this gem. Again, click on the image to see it larger.

Clearly, the owner of this vehicle was in some sort of accident that destroyed the front driver's side of their vehicle. Deciding that the cost to properly repair the damage was too much, they fixed it themselves....with what appears to be a cut up Rubbermaid tote. Note the attention to detail that was made to have these random pieces of plastic fit properly. Also note the exquisite use of zip ties to hold everything together. And of course, let's not forget the must have ingredient to any half assed, botched, vehicle repair job....the duct tape. Bravo!

F#&king Gym Tourists....Part 1

As I mentioned in Don't Stop...The Eating....Hold on to that feeeeeeeeling....., it's tourist season once again....at the gym. I've decided this topic needs to be addressed a little more formally.

For those of you who decided to jump on that New Year's Resolution bandwagon and "start working out", this post is for you. For all of you that have belonged to a gym for more than 10 days, I think you'll really appreciate this post.

Tourist season, as I like to call it, is that time of year when everyone and their brother decide to join a gym and start working out. Now some of them actually do it right and should be commended for their efforts. The other 98% however, are just assholes. See the picture above as an example... There's the idiot guy doing dumb bell bench press on the leg press machine, and the annoying chick on the cardio machine blabbing away on her phone at the top of her lungs about her latest life drama. These are gym tourists and their behavior should not be tolerated. This post will outline some of the worst gym tourist offenders, followed by some constructive suggestions for what these people can do to remove themselves from the tourist category.


1. The "super cute" sporty newbie- We've all see this piece of work. It's the guy or girl who just spent about $1000 on new running shoes, high end workout pants, shirts, a new ipod, sweatbands, and a variety of other workout apparel. Everything matches, and they look like professional fitness experts. However, when they are at the gym, they do just about nothing. A lap or two walk around the track, maybe try one or two of the weight machines....then it's off to Starbucks for a 400 calorie latte and a 30 min cell phone conversation with their BFF on what a great workout they had and how proud they are of themselves for going to the gym. As many of you may know, every gym has that one person that is a total, disgusting sweat factory. I think after that person finishes a 2 hour high impact spinning class, the newbie should have to wear that person's clothes and do the same workout that the Russian guy did in Rocky 4....that seems fair.

Here's my suggestion: Save your money. You get just as good of a workout in $5 t-shirts and shorts. Use that extra cash for a trainer so you have someone there to actually make you do something...and do it right.


2. The cell phone chatter- Sweet, Sea Parting Moses, get off the G-D phone! It's one hour of your day. I promise you that your life will continue without having that stupid phone glued to your head...or even worse...that retarded bluetooth earpiece. No one at the gym wants to hear your conversation...especially when you have to TALK EXTRA LOUD SO YOU CAN BE HEARD OVER ALL THE CARDIO MACHINES! No one wants to hear what you are blabbing about...and by the way, this probably includes the person on the other end of the phone as well. This offense is especially infuriating when the person is blabbing away on the phone while standing in front of one of the "NO CELL PHONE" signs that are hung all over the gym.

My suggestion: Work on your literacy before you work on your physical fitness. That way you'll know the rules at the gym and be able to read the labels on all the food you shouldn't be eating.



To be continued....

Still Here....

I know, I know. It's been a while. Sorry. I've been super busy and haven't had a chance to post anything. I promise there will be more when I get some free time. I have some ideas. In the meantime, enjoy this license plate that I saw the other day. For those of you unfamiliar with this vehicle, it gets about 8 miles to the gallon. So, the only green is what pours out of his wallet to fill the 40 gallon tank.

Dumb.

Still Can't Fix Stupid...

So I got an email today that just made me shake my head in disbelief. It was from a dealership where I took my big car for an oil change not too long ago. Apparently the general manager had the brilliant marketing idea to send a crafty email to all of their service customers. Fair enough. Unfortunately, this is the e-turd that he composed and sent out. It was just too easy and I couldn't resist, so I sent the reply you see below. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. (and when I say innocent, I mean stupid)

Click on the pictures to make them larger:


The brilliance:

My Reply:

I know it's hard to believe, but I have not yet received a response from Mr. Bagadonuts. I have a pretty good feeling I won't.


On a side note, the blog has made me a whopping $1.49 so far today. Thanks everyone and keep clicking!!! (yes mom, these ads are ok to click on...just close them after they open)

Supermarket Stumpers...

So I went to the Grocery store today and came across a couple of things that, well, kind of stumped me. The first item had a couple of things that made me scratch my head. See the image below. (Click on it for a larger view and to read my notes.)

As you may know, I love pizza. Especially NYC style pizza...we've covered this in My Ode To Pizza. So naturally, a product like this caught my eye. However, there are a couple of interesting things going on here. First of all, it was in the Kosher-Foods frozen food case of the grocery store. You can see from the circled U on the bottom left of the box (indicating that it is kosher) and the Hebrew letters in the company name on the top left of the box, that this product has received many a rabbinical thumbs up. What concerned me were two other things. First of all, this box of New York Style pizza slices (and all of the others in the freezer case) comes with a free burrito. WTF? Why would a Kosher NYC style frozen come with a free burrito? I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's safe to say that the "target audience" for a product like this is going to appreciate an additional free item more than most. But a burrito? Someone in the marketing department was way off on this one. The demand for burritos among the Jewish community is about as prevelant as the demand for Matzah balls among the Mexican community. Dumb. But that's not all that's odd about this picture. As you may remember, this was in the Kosher foods freezer. Now, for those of you that are familiar with the laws of kashrut, you may have already noticed. Yes, to the left of the Kosher NYC style Rabbi approved pizzas is a large display of frozen shrimp. Shrimp are about as kosher as a bacon cheeseburger. This is right up there with the Hanukkah display at Walgreens that I spoke of in Jew Don't Know Me.


Next we have this one: (Again, click on the picture for the full image.)

This is a can of Grape Crush...easily one of my favorite beverages. MinuteMaid, Twister, Welch's grape sodas...they're all CRAP! They all taste like liquid children's Tylenol to me. Grape Crush however, is a vastly superior soda. So as I've indicated, the ingredients clearly list "Grape Juice Concentrate". But then, above the nutritional information, in bold, clearly states "Contains No Juice". Are you as confused as I am? Last I checked, Grape Juice Concentrate was considered juice. I have sent a letter to the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group (Current Owners of the Crush brand). The letter stated:

Dear Dr. Pepper Snapple Group,

While enjoying a delicious can of your Grape Crush soda today, I noticed that grape juice concentrate was listed as an ingredient. Then I noticed that the can said "Contains No Juice". So...Which one is it?

JewBoy

The web form promised a response to all questions, so we'll see what they have to say for themselves.

"Inplated" Egos...

So last night I made a quick stop at Whole Foods. For those of you who aren't familiar with this store, I think my old roommate "Rubes" described it best. In his words, "It's the best place to shop if want to spend $9 on a jar of peanut butter". I also have a cousin who is a chef at one of the stores and among the employees, it's known as "Whole Paycheck". Now don't get me wrong, they have good products. Their meat and produce are very high quality. Almost as good as....well, you guessed, Wegmans. Unfortunately, as you may have seen in the video I posted in 1:19, it's about twice the price. So, it's pretty much a mecca for the tree hugging, crunchy granola, jamba juice drinking, high income hippies. It's full of those annoying people that act all smug cause they think they're single handedly saving the environment because they drive a Prius and you don't. The same people however, that also live in 6000 square foot houses with a heated pool, 3 refrigerators, multiple air conditioners and the lights on all the time. Assholes.

So, getting to the point. Last night I stopped there because they happen to carry passion fruits. My boss has been looking for fresh passion fruits unsuccessfully for some time now. Since, he's the one that decides how much bonus I get, I figured some mild ass kissing by helping him out wouldn't hurt. You've probably already figured out my opinion of the typical Whole Foods customer. So when I arrived and parked across from this, it was too perfect.

Dear Jack,

That's not a Jaguar. It's an Audi. You're not fooling anyone. Ass.

Love,

JewBoy


I could go off on a whole rant about Vanity plates. I think they're pretty stupid. Why would anyone want such easily recognizable, irrefutable proof that they were somewhere or did something. Sounds risky to me. My absolute pet peeve are the people who get a plate that says what type of car it is. Like the little pimped out Honda Civic that has a license plate that says "Civic", or the big wheeled truck with a plate that says "Chevy". Wow, how original. But, when you get a plate that lies about the type of car that you drive...That's just beyond retarded.

A Prize For Your Patience...

Yes, I know, it's been a few days since my last post. I have been pretty busy and just didn't have the time. But, like they say, good things come to those who wait. So, today I am rewarding you with one my my funniest and easily most embarrassing stories. I've been saving it, for the just the right time. I think that time is now. I know people get a real kick out of the misfortune of others. I mean, if they didn't, how have things like America's Funniest Home Videos, Youtube, Stupidvideos.com and the countless other sources of "people getting injured videos" gotten and stayed so popular. So here it is, one of my most embarrassing moments ever, that for some reason, I have decided to make public to you. I have a feeling I will regret this someday.

Here's how it went down:

It was an ordinary day and I was hanging out at home. I was watching TV (Stevie the TV) when I decided I needed to go to the bathroom. It's always a nice change when I get to make the decision...stupid inherited tempermental stomach. So, I went and proceeded with my business. It was one of the few times when I didn't bring my laptop. Yes, I am convinced that wireless internet was created for the sole purpose of allowing people to e-poop. Trust me, anyone with a laptop and wireless internet has done it. I was just about finished when I thought to myself, "I think out of courtesy I will light a candle." It was yet another one of the moments in my life that can only be described as "seeming like a good idea at the time". As I struck the match to light it, the little head of it snapped off...after being lit. I'd say it was with laser accuracy, but let's be honest folks, it's a pretty big target...the flaming head of the match fell right on... Imagine to yourself a bowl full of fruit. Everyone at the table takes one piece of fruit and all that is left is a banana that's end is right against two apples next to each other. Can you picture that? Ok, good. The match head landed exactly in the middle of the "banana". It burned me instantly. I flicked the glowing red head into the toilet and looked down at the damage. Yup, a nice red dot where it burned me. Naturally, I would have loved to pretend that this never happened. But, that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. Why a risk you may ask? Well, as you know, Schnoozle and I are in a very loving relationship. With that kind of relationship comes the benefit of being able to have intimate relations. I think you (man or woman) can imagine the reaction if you (or your partner) came face to face....well, head to head really, with that area and saw a big red dot on it. Yeah, how do you explain that? I had no choice but to immediately tell her what had happened. I promptly exited the bathroom (after all the necessary clean up had been done of course...again, I still don't understand how wet wipes haven't become the global standard...they are wonderful) with my wounded soldier in full view. "Schnoozle!!!.....I burnt myself!!!" I yelled. She turned and saw me and a look of total defeat came over her face. (A look I have only seen one other person make, once before in my life...but that is a story for another day) Yes, this was the man she had chosen to marry...standing in front of her with an exposed and burnt member. I was hoping for at least a little sympathy, but asking for her to "kiss it to make it better" clearly wasn't the way to get it. Head down and shaking slowly side to side, she just turned, walked away and mumbled something about "achieving a whole new level of retardation".


So was it worth the wait?

What's All The Buzz About?

Happy Valentine's Day! I've been waiting for several weeks to tell the story of one of my most memorable Valentine's Days.

It happened when I was teaching high school math in California. It was a normal day in my Advanced Algebra class. Then, about 30 minutes into the class, Angie, one of my most dramatic female students had an issue. Her purse started buzzing. Now, let's back up a real quick. For the most part, I was a pretty easy going teacher. But, I had one very, very strict rule- NO CELL PHONES DURING CLASS! I made this very clear and the students knew better. It was not only due to my complete hatred of cell phones and the horrible behavior that they have created, but also because of the distraction they cause. So back to Angie... Her purse started buzzing...loudly. She leaned over towards her purse and I snapped at her. "You know the rule, NO PHONES". Apparently, Angie was under the impression that she could "out wise ass" Mr. JewBoy. Well, that's a challenge few people are brave enough to take and even fewer are successful with. She responded with, "Just cause it's vibrating doesn't mean it's a phone". Yup, that was her witty retort. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there in awe wondering if she had any idea what the hell she just said in front of a class full of 11th graders. (and almost half of that class was made up of horny boys) I waited a second, realized it was probably not in my best interest to respond, took a step back and I said... "Wow, anyone wanna take this for me?" About six of the guys all started in at once, "Gotta keep it in your purse?" "You that hard up for it" "Can't get a real guy" and so on. I let it go for about a minute or so, figuring if they said it, I'd be off the hook, then cut them off and continued class.

Since it was a holiday, I decided to wrap up class a few minutes early. I told the kids they could just hang out for the remaining time and that's when the temptation got the best of me. I asked if anyone had any exciting plans for the night...besides Angie and her purse. The class went nuts and somehow, I wasn't fired. Unbelievable.

Eat Your Vegetables...

Everyone has been told their whole life to eat their vegetables. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was (and still kind of am) a terrible eater. Especially when it came to vegetables, they are definitely not my favorite food. Well, in a soon to be not unrelated story, my company has launched a new internal portal/website. It's meant to be a central point for all employees to get information and interact with each other. One of the fun features of the site is a section that takes a poll. It may ask for your favorite movie, time of day, season, etc. Well, I had a problem with yesterday's poll. Here's what it was: (Click on picture to see it larger)

Yeah, someone at my company decided that "salad" is a vegetable. It was approved as a choice and posted to every employee worldwide. I just shook my head, made my selection of "corn" and submitted my vote to see what would happen. That's when I encountered this:

I think a better title for this screen would have been "Congratulations on not being one of 23% of the company that thinks salad is a vegetable. You may come back to work tomorrow." In these financially difficult times, with layoffs being so prevalent, I think this could be a great way for a company to conduct their reduction in force. Anyone who chose salad would have been greeted with a screen saying: "You thought salad was a vegetable...well, it's not. Thank you for your years of service, we wish you the best. Security will escort you out."


Naturally I couldn't resist the urge, so I posted this in the forums section. (Click for large view)

Luckily for me, security has not escorted me anywhere yet. Keep your fingers crossed.

I Was Just Doing My Job...

As you can see, my mail situation has not improved. I think there are a lot of people that take their job descriptions too literally. For example, "Put mail in box." Obviously, there are no more detailed instructions, like "...and try not to mangle it too badly."

Below is one of the most famous examples:

The entire job description for this must have been, "Paint double yellow lines on road." The person who was chosen to complete this job did just that...and only that. "Remove any obstructions" was not part of the description. I'm sure if most of us, (having fully functioning brains) were put in this position, would have slid or kicked the carcass off to the curb and continued to paint. Not this guy. Just painted right over it and wasn't concerned about the blank spots that would be left when the carcass was finally removed. This might be more annoying than when the manhole covers that have lines on them are put back on without the lines lining up. That drives me crazy.


This reminds me of one particular day at Wegmans. (Greatest grocery store ever) There was a young female cashier who was relatively new. Her job: Scan all the customer's items, put them in a bag, collect payment. Sounds pretty easy right? Well, here's what happened one day. A customer ordered a birthday cake. When a cake is ordered, a full page form is filled out with information like: type of cake, frosting color, what should be written on it and so on. Then, a sticker is printed out with the barcode and the price of the cake. The sticker is usually stuck half on the form and half on the box's clear plastic window. (See diagram below)

So, this cashier was chugging along, scanning and bagging all of the items. The cake was next on the conveyor belt. As you may know, the scanner is under a glass window in front of the cashier. So, the barcode has to be held over it. (Fancy side scanners and scanning guns weren't around yet.)

I saw the whole thing happen. Without even the slightest bit of hesitation, the cashier grabbed the cake box, flipped it over, scanned it and put it on the counter behind her. This of course resulted in the cake being completely ruined...as shown below.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get there in time to stop it. It was like one of those slow motion scenes in a movie. Picture me racing towards the register, the cashier lifting and then slowly flipping the box over, me flailing my arms yelling a long drawn out "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!". I was too late. I got to the cashier and said, "What was that!?!? You ruined the cake!" Her response, "I had to scan the barcode." I said, "You're supposed to peel the sticker off and scan just that part. That's why they attach it to the plastic part." Her response..."Well, no one told me that."

It's scary to think that you'd have to tell someone not to flip a cake upside down. But, {sigh}, then again, she was just doing her job. Painted roadkill and ruined cakes are pretty minor compared what could happen from such complete stupidity and lack of thinking.

It's just like the famous line in Seinfeld..."I can think of another group of people that were just doing their jobs....that's right, the Nazis."

More Einsteins...

On the seventh night of Hanukkah, my Schnoozle gave to me...
Seven flavors of popcorn,
Six chocolate fondue dipped biscottis,
FIVE SLICES OF HAM,
Four Meatballs,
Three Chicken Wings,
Two Egg Rolls,
and a pizza with Pepperooooooooooni.


So I have had the benefit of meeting many people in my life that I can pretty much guarantee I'd beat out if we were ever going head to head for a technical job. Granted, I'm a pretty technical person. I can hook up a home theater, I can program the clock on just about anything, I can setup a bluetooth earpiece to work with a mobile phone. (Two phones actually, you're welcome Schnoozle.) However, it's my personal opinion that just about anyone with a high school education should be able to do those things too. I have lots of these stories, but here's two about people I've encountered that were a few potatoes short of a Latke .


It was this past Tuesday, at the grocery store. I wanted to get some movies from the redbox to watch over the holidays. As I'm browsing the choices, the Einstein standing near me, watching me intently says "That's a pretty good deal, $1 a night" Of course I agreed, it is a good deal. Then he ruined what could have been a perfectly painless encounter. He said "So what do they do, just beam the movie to your television?" No joke, those were his actual words. Being a pretty technical person, I was absolutely frozen with awe at the thought of that. So as I stood under the Gigantic sign that said Redbox DVD rental machine, I decided to be polite and said, "no, the machine just spits out the dvd you choose." "Oh, ok." he answered. That seemed to sufficiently satisfy his curiosity and he walked away. Maybe he had to get back to his job of designing exercise room signs, I don't know. Unfortunately for me, I started thinking about it and it made my brain hurt...Beam it to your TV? What? Let's just imagine that was even possible. (Without the use of an addressable set top box...just to clarify for the other techies out there that want to argue.) Let's say that by using advanced GPS, there was some super high tech way for the machine to take your address and the location of the tv you want to watch the movie on and "beam it there"...why on earth would you drive all the way to a store to use a giant vending machine to do it. Ugh.

Here's a classic- About 10 years ago, in my days working at Wegmans (Greatest grocery store ever) I was the guy that was called over when the cashier or customer had an issue. One day I got to observe this priceless moment. The store had just installed new credit card reader machines and a lady asked for help using it. My co-worker said, "No problem" and pointed to the payment choice buttons on the screen and said, "Just tell it how you are gonna pay." The woman held her credit card up, put her face right up to the card reader and said very clearly, "I'll be using my Mastercard". She then stepped back and watched the card reader, waiting for something to happen. We both looked with disbelief and tried to hold back the laughter. My co-worker was able to keep it together long enough to say, "What I meant was, press the button that corresponds to your method of payment, then swipe your card."

There's two more signs you can make Mr. Engvall.

Ain't no thing....

On the third night of Hanukkah, my Schnoozle gave to me...
Three Chicken Wings,
Two Egg Rolls,
and a pizza with Pepperooooooooooni.


So one of my co-workers has passed on a couple wise quotes to me. The first is "only the paranoid survive" and the second is "you can't fix stupid". Although I agree with both, I'd like to focus on "you can't fix stupid".

I've had my own, similar saying for a number of years now... "Stupidity is contagious and everyone's dying to catch it" My experience teaching is really what started this thought. Not only were the kids stupid, see "One D Ten T 5" for more details, but more importantly they were proud of it. Nothing made them happier than to not know the answer to a question. "Psssshhhh, I don't know that shit, that's smart people stuff." The scary part is that it's not just kids, it's adults too. Ever ask a clerk at a store what your change is gonna be, or what the price will be after the 10% discount? Clueless, and happy about it. "I don't know, that's why they make calculators" is the typical answer. I see things all the time that clearly show that someone's been infected with Stupid.

Here's today's example- This is a picture I took at a Marriott Courtyard.

Really? The Exercise room is open from midnight to noon? How convenient. This wasn't some temporary thing either. This was a professionally made, solid plastic, permanently attached sign.

To the person who put in the request, the person who made it, the person who received it and the person who hung it, I think Bill Engvall says it best. "Here's Your Sign."