The Last Thing A Bug Sees....

So the joke goes like this...

What's the last thing a bug sees before it hits your windshield?

It's ass.

I think this might have a bit of a chicken and egg story. Some of you may remember this famous Porsche Poster that I am pretty sure is from 1996.

Great car and a great ad. But, which came first? Was it the joke that inspired the ad, or was it the ad that inspired the joke. Or, did those crazy Germans just come up with it? Let's face it, Germans aren't exactly known for their sense of humor, so I'm guessing the joke was around before the ad.

Anyway, bugs on windshields are what led me to today's Mydea.

Here's the usual scenario. You're out driving and a bug (or several bugs) hits your windshield as shown in the lovely image above. Bam! There it is in the middle of your field of vision. Even though years of experience should have taught you better, you pull back the wiper arm in an attempts to wash it off the window. You cross your fingers hoping that this time will be different, but...Nope. Sure enough, it smears bug guts all over the windshield in a perfect arc and is way worse than the single spot of bug guts was. For anyone that shares my obsessive compulsive disorder for a clean windshield, this is absolute torture.

Well, as I'm sure you have guessed, I've solved the problem.

Windshield Scripers: Windshield wipers that have a built in scrubby sponge to effectively clean off any bugs or other nastiness from the windshield. It's kind of like my other half and half ideas, since it's half wiperand half scrubby sponge. This one's a little more serious. See diagram and explanation below. (Click on picture for larger view.)

It functions as a normal wiper when set to intermittent, low or high. But, when you pull back the lever to "wash", the arm pivots at the pivot point shown in the diagram to put the green scrubby sponge side against the window while the wiper fluid is dispensed. The scrubby sponge along with the wiper fluid quickly powers through any stuck on bug guts, then it pivots back to the normal wiper blade part to do the final "squeegee" wipe, leaving the windshield clean and dry. The scrubby sponge part would snap on to the wiper arm so that it can be replaced independent of the rest of the wiper assembly. Plus, since the scrubby part is doing all of the major scraping of baked on goop, the wipers would last much longer anyway. See how I'm always thinking about saving money? After a few months, the scrubby part would be full of bug guts and other grime, so you can just replace it.

Genius? Just so so? Stupid? Let me know what you think.


P.S. Consider this copyrighted, tradmarked, or whatever else I have to do to make sure I can get credit if anyone steals this idea. Any of my readers patent attorneys?

Must "Half" Mydeas...

So as I mentioned yesterday, I have a couple of half and half Mydeas of my own. I thought of all sorts of things that are typically separate but might work better together. Hardwood carpets, windshield wipers with built in ice scrapers, hot dog shaped hamburgers. (I thought that would be more appetizing than a hamburger shaped hot dog, even I'm grossed out by the thought of that. Plus, there'd be no more need to make two different shapes of buns which means you are more likely to have a matching number of buns and burgers/dogs) I also thought about laptops with built in projectors and a whole bunch of other things. I settled on two for today.

Here goes:

Ketchard: (catch-erd, accent on the catch) Half Ketchup, Half Mustard. Think of it as the Goober Grape of picnic condiments. This would be a perfectly balanced blend of ketchup and mustard (a little heavier on the ketchup of course) in one convenient container. It would come out in a similar way as toothpaste, in that the two would be distinguishably separate, but next to each other. (As shown in the image above) This saves space in the fridge or the picnic basket, which means...more room for beer...which takes us to the next "half and half" mydea.

The Phonepener A3D: (phone-pen-er) Half Mobile Phone, Half Bottle Opener. Let's say you're at a picnic and you grab a burger off the grill, add a little Ketchard, take a bite...it's delicious. Now you need something cold to wash that down. You grab a Corona, or a Heineken and after mutilating your hand, you remember that it's not a twist off. No problem, just grab a bottle opener. Ohhhhhhh...you don't have a bottle opener? Well, I bet you have your phone. Everyone these days always has their phone. Look into any car you drive next to...one hand on the wheel, one hand on the phone. It's pretty much become an appendage for most people. The Phonepener makes perfect sense to me. With the Phonepener you can crack open that cold one anywhere and enjoy. Whether you're at a picnic, a party, out on the boat or the golf course, there's no barrier between you and your beer.

But JewBoy, Why is it called the A3D? Ah Ha! I'm glad you asked.

With the integrated bottle opener, the phone is able to keep track of how many beers it has opened. It's sophisticated internal software knows who has opened the beer (finger print identification) and can calculate the approximate tolerance of the person (Calculates BMI from their fat, sweaty hand). This is where the A3D steps in. Automatic Drunk Dial Disabler. That's right, the phone will know if you've had too much to drink and automatically disable the ability to make any late night phone calls or send text messages. This effectively eliminates that hungover morning of embarassment. So drink all you want, you don't have to worry about explaining to your clingy psycho ex-girlfriend/boyfriend the next morning why you called them at 3am and begged them to take you back.

The Halfs and Half Nots...

Tonight's post is a little long, so get comfy...

So it was a big day today. We "half" a new president. The biggest deal of course, is that he's the first black president. Well, sort of. Technically, he's only half black...which is why he is frequently referred to in the media as "halfrican". (A non-derogatory word describing anyone who has one black parent) I feel like calling him black is like calling Brunch- Breakfast or Lunch. Yeah, it's sort of right, but it's just not the same. Brunch is so much more than just breakfast or lunch. It's this delicious meal where you can sleep in, then wake up and have eggs, bacon, french toast, coffee, macaroni and cheese, roast beef, chicken wings and fancy desserts all at the same buffet. Oh, how I love Brunch. Anyway, I digress...I give him lots of credit, he's worked hard, he's smart, a good speaker and my former roommate who's locker was next to his at the country club in Chicago says he's a real nice guy. He's walked into quite a shit-storm, but continues to be inspiring, positive and committed to making change. I wish him the best of luck, he'll need it.

Obviously I'm all for ethnic integration, look at Schnoozle and me. What would happen if we had a child (no, we don't have any plans to do that anytime soon, if ever, so stop asking) and it grew up to be president. Would it be the first Jewish president or the first Asian president? Could it be both? Would that be double dipping? So many questions...

So all the events of today made me think of other well known "half and halfs". Some of them have risen to greatness, like Obama, and some of them, well, not so much. I call them, The Halfs and Half Not's. Here goes....


We'll start with "The Halfs"...

The Knork: Half knife, half fork, all genius. While similar to the spork, I purposely picked this one instead. While the spork is excellent, (and found pretty much only at KFC) it doesn't free up a hand. Knife and forking requires two hands. With the knork, your non-dominant hand stays free to hold a book or newspaper open, or even use a phone. It's a triumph in efficiency.

The Arnold Palmer: Half iced tea and half lemonade, all delicious. Tea too plain and bitter? Lemonade too sweet and tart? No problem, this is the perfect solution. Cool and refreshing all while being not too sweet or too bland. This is a hole in one.

The Futon: Half couch, half bed, all business. I don't think I know anyone who didn't have one of these at some point during college. The futon is also affectionately known as the "Flip-N-Fuck" for it's tendency to host a variety of hook ups. Overall, it's the most cost effective way for a struggling college student to be able to sit and watch TV but still host the occasional freeloading house guest. Awesome.

Boxer Briefs: Half Boxer, Half Brief. The comfort you want with the support you need. It's like a sports bra for your testicles.

2-in-1 Shampoo/Conditioners: Half Shampoo, Half Conditioner. I did extensive calculations and added up the time it takes in the shower to get wet, wash your hair, rinse, condition, rinse, then wash your body and rinse. A 2-in1 can provide up to a 17% reduction in shower time. At an estimated 7 minutes a shower, that's a little over 1 minute saved per shower. That's almost a whole alarm clock snooze per week. Brilliant.

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups: Half Chocolate, Half Peanut Butter, totally decadent.
Dear Mr. Reeses,
You Rock!
Love,
Everyone without peanut allergies.



Now for the Half Nots...

The El Camino: Half Car, Half Pickup Truck, completely stupid. Found in overgrown front yards of trailers everywhere. Note to the Subaru Baja, you should have known better.


The Mullet: Half Business, Half Party. Usually found attached to the head of El Camino drivers. We can thank Billy Ray for this gem...and for Hannah Montana. Someone please add "Crippling kick to the groin of young Billy Ray" to Marty McFly's to do list.

The Keytar: Half Guitar, Half Keyboard, completely 80's. I'm guessing Keytar Hero won't be found on video game store shelves anytime soon.

Rupaul: Half Man, Half Woman, maybe. Whatever happend to this train wreck? Has she been officially replaced by the pregnant man? Sachet, Shonte...Go Away...and stay there.


Stay tuned for tomorrow's edition- Half and Half Mydeas.