Let My People Go!

So as many of my fellow tribesmen may know, we're smack dab in the middle of Passover. For the rest of you, it's the day after Easter. (I'm pretty confident anyone that doesn't celebrate one of those two holidays is not a reader of this blog...and let's face it, I think it's pretty safe to say the Muslim community doesn't share my warped sense of humor.) So I thought it would be appropriate to do another Holiday Face Off. This time, we'll be comparing Easter to Passover...from my point of view of course. I'll break it up into categories and then decide which Holiday I feel is the winner. As usual, the supporting examples will be extremely biased in favor of my personal opinion. My blog...my rules.

Here goes:

Overview:

Jews: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. Sound familiar? That's because it's the same for all of our holidays.

Christians: They (or, according to Mel Gibson, "We") killed him. But, he came back. Let's eat.

Verdict: Tie


The Meal:

Jews: The passover meal is also known as a Seder...which pretty much translates to "Order", as in there is an order of things that has to happen. It starts with some prayers in Hebrew, then you eat a piece of parsley dipped in salt water, then some raw horseradish, then some Matzah (see description below), then some apple and walnut paste meant to symbolize the cement used to make the pyramids, (Is your mouth watering yet?) then there's some more Hebrew, and then Matzah ball soup. (See below) Yes, this is the most famous of all the passover foods. A bowl of nearly clear broth with a couple of golf ball sized ground up Matzah balls. No, there's no noodles, they aren't allowed...we'll talk about that later. Just as a note, depending on your level of Jewishness, this part of the Seder leading up to the soup can take well over an hour. As you can imagine, kids love it.



Christians: Sit down and immediately start eating the items mentioned in the food section below.

Verdict: Some things are not worth the wait. Matzah is absolutely one of them. This one goes to Easter.

Food:

Jews: Matzah. For those of you that have never eaten Matzah, I'll do my best to explain it. Go to the grocery store and find the bread aisle. Then, walk as far away from it as you possibly can. You should end up in the stockroom in the back of the store. Perfect. Find a box that contains any grain based product. Cereal, pasta, rice...any of them will work. Remove all the products from the box. Now, tear off a piece of the box that they came in and eat it. Ta Da! Matzah. I won't even get into the Gefilte Fish or Manschewitz anything.



Christians: Yet another cooking magazine cover-worthy display of delicious delicacies. Glazed ham, candied carrots, baked pastries and breads. Yum. Let's not forget all the spring flowers and beautifully pastel painted decorated eggs.



Verdict: There's a reason it's called breaking bread, not Matzah. Easter wins this one.

Children's Activity:

Jews: The search for the Afikoman. The Afikoman is a piece of Matzah that is hidden during the Seder. At the end of the meal, the children are sent to find the hidden piece of Matzah. About 9 times out of 10, it's under the table cloth of one of the adults plates. How else are you going to hide a piece of Matzah without leaving the table. It usually takes kids till about the age of 4, maybe 5 if they are a little slow, to figure that one out. The reward for finding it? The meal is officially over and you can go play with the 30 year old lame toys that your Gramma has from when your parents were kids. However, some families reward the winner with a monetary prize...go figure.

Christians: Easter Egg Hunt. Candy and treat filled Easter eggs are hidden all over the house and yard. Kids get to run all over the place collecting them, then opening them to reveal the candy or toys inside. I can say with absolute certainty that none of the eggs will contain Matzah.

Verdict: All the eggs are in Easter's basket for this one.

Rules:

Jews: Passover brings with it an incredibly complicated list of dietary restrictions. Obviously you can't have bread, but you also can't really have any other grains. That means no pasta, no cereal, no rice, NO PIZZA! But, you also can't have foods made from those grains, so things like corn syrup are also forbidden. Needless to say this makes for a very limited diet of tasty foods. You pretty much end up eating eggs, cheese, meat, fruit and vegetables all week. Along with shooting your cholesterol through the roof, it also does some nasty things to your digestive system. As my dad would say, you truly start to understand what Moses meant when he said "Let my people go. " And for dessert? Macaroons. Macaroons are little coconut cookies that pretty much taste like how old people smell. They try to make them more palatable by dipping them in chocolate, but that's about as useful as Rosie O'Donnell putting on makeup.

Christians: Eat whatever you want...including peeps. That's right, the once a year treat of little yellow and pink sugar coated marshmallows. I also need to mention Cadbury Eggs. Rich chocolate filed with gooey who knows what. Yum.



Verdict: Easter, by a landslide of delicious candy.


Mascot:

Jews: Moses? Dear Moses, you could part a sea, but didn't think to stop and ask for directions? The only place it should take 40 years to get to is a mid-life crisis.

Christians: Easter Bunny. This adorable chocolate and candy dispensing bunny hops around delivering treats to all the girls and boys.



Verdict: There's a reason rabbit's feet are lucky.



So there it is, Easter is the clear winner. Hippity Hop Hooray!

Oh, It's On...

My mailman continues to try my patience. My Editor-in-Chief sent me a letter and purposely wrote "Fragile-Do Not Bend" on the front and on the back as a test. As you can see, these instructions were blatantly ignored. Clearly he stuffed it in there as an act of rebellion. Not only was it bent, but it was creased as well. It was like his way of saying, "Fuck you and your lazy non-mail-getting neighbors." Bastard. He has no idea who he is messing with.

Naturally, I am planning a brilliant revenge. However, it's tricky and I'll need to plan carefully. Most people don't realize the amount of power a mailman can have. Think about all the things your mailman can know about you. He knows your name, your address, where you do your banking, where you work, what doctor you go to, when your birthday is, where you shop and all sorts of other personal information. So, I need to proceed with caution, for he has the ability to strike back even stronger. I think I'll start off subtle. I'll send myself letters from some strategically named organizations, ones that will strike fear into the heart of even the boldest mailman. Once he sees the type of person that I might be, he'll be forced to treat my mail with the utmost respect.

For example, I think I'll create a monthly newsletter titled "Training attack dogs". This will be a good start since we all know that dogs are the nemesis of all mailmen. I'll start the first couple of issues off pretty innocent, but then slowly, the images on the cover will become more direct. The covers will be dogs chasing UPS guys, FedEX guys and then DHL guys. I don't want it to be too obvious, just plant the seed.

Then, I'll step it up a notch. I'll start sending myself letters from the AUCA. I'll keep it mysterious at first, then eventually one of the letters will let on to the fact that it's the American Underground Cannibal Association. There will be a special issue discussing top candidates for the next "roast". Mailmen will be listed as one of the top 3 (again, I don't want to be too obvious) since they come to you and can be easily apprehended. The best part is if they go missing during the work day, everyone in the entire neighborhood is a potential suspect. It would take the police forever to get through all of them and you'd have plenty of time to properly dispose of the inedible leftovers. Perfect.

If these two strategies fail, I'll be forced to pull out the big guns. I'll have all my mail forwarded to a different address and simultaneously, I will have all of that mail forwarded to the other address. Thus creating an infinite loop of mail forwarding, effectively preventing his job from ever being done. He'll be forced to go back and forth from house to house never able to deliver the mail. It will keep piling up and eventually wear him down, till he's forced to quit and be replaced by a competent letter carrier that shows some respect for my mail.


Go ahead and bend my letters some more Mr. Mailman, you have no idea who you're dealing with and what I am capable of.

{Evil Sinister Laugh}

Come on baby light my....candles.

On the first night of Hanukkah my Schnoozle made for me.....A pizza with pepperoni.

Yum. She made the dough from scratch, made the pizza sauce, covered it in cheese and pepperoni and baked it just for me. Delicious!

This brings us to the first night of Hanukkah, a most joyous occasion. The celebration of the oil lasting not only one night, but an incredible 8 whole nights. It's no knocked up virgin, but we do with what we have. Although in more modern times, it's really turned into a way for Jewish kids to not feel left out on Christmas, when all their non-Jewish friends are celebrating up the wazoo. Why would they feel left out you may ask? Let's do a side by comparison. We'll start with my house and examine traditional "in-house" decorations.

We have a nice tree decorated with gold and silver ornaments and ribbons and crystal icicles, (All meant to symbolize the wealth and riches of my people...it was no accident) and a lame ass crooked Menorah. You should be beginning to see my point. Christmas decorations: a gorgeous tree decorated with ornaments, ribbons, figurines and a star. Hanukkah decorations: a candle holder. Blah.

Christmas 1, Hanukkah 0.

Next, let's look at Outside decorations.

Here's the non-Jewish house on Christmas:

Snowmen, candy canes, lights, garland, trees. Gorgeous.


And the Jewish House on hanukkah:

Christmas 2, Hanukkah 0.


How about music? Let's compare. Here's a very, very condensed list of Christmas songs:

Jingle Bells
Frosty the Snowman
Winter Wonderland
O Holy Night
Holly Jolly Christmas
Silent Night
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer
Let it Snow
Little Drummer Boy
Let it Snow
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Feliz Navidad (for our amigos)
Silver Bells
And the list goes on and on...

Let's look at Hanukkah songs:

I have a little Dreidel
Adam Sandler's "The Hanukkah Song"

Christmas 3, Hanukkah 0.

How about presents?

A typical Christmas present:

Now, a typical Hanukkah present on nights 2-8:

Christmas 4, Hanukkah 0.

Finally, let's take a look at something especially near and dear to both Schnoozle's and my heart, Food.

A typical Christmas meal:

My mouth is already watering. Ham with gravy, carrots, crescent rolls...an all out feast fit for royalty.


Hanukkah dinner:

Don't let the picture fool you, that's not a hashbrown, it's a potato Latke. Even dressed up with sour cream or jarred applesauce it's mediocre at best. Yeah, we serve a breakfast side dish as the holiday meal honoring our miraculous history.

Christmas 5, Hanukkah 0.

Well, it appears that this contest between Christmas and Hanukkah was a complete shut out. Sorry Hanukkah. But then again, we always have Passover.