Oh, It's On...

My mailman continues to try my patience. My Editor-in-Chief sent me a letter and purposely wrote "Fragile-Do Not Bend" on the front and on the back as a test. As you can see, these instructions were blatantly ignored. Clearly he stuffed it in there as an act of rebellion. Not only was it bent, but it was creased as well. It was like his way of saying, "Fuck you and your lazy non-mail-getting neighbors." Bastard. He has no idea who he is messing with.

Naturally, I am planning a brilliant revenge. However, it's tricky and I'll need to plan carefully. Most people don't realize the amount of power a mailman can have. Think about all the things your mailman can know about you. He knows your name, your address, where you do your banking, where you work, what doctor you go to, when your birthday is, where you shop and all sorts of other personal information. So, I need to proceed with caution, for he has the ability to strike back even stronger. I think I'll start off subtle. I'll send myself letters from some strategically named organizations, ones that will strike fear into the heart of even the boldest mailman. Once he sees the type of person that I might be, he'll be forced to treat my mail with the utmost respect.

For example, I think I'll create a monthly newsletter titled "Training attack dogs". This will be a good start since we all know that dogs are the nemesis of all mailmen. I'll start the first couple of issues off pretty innocent, but then slowly, the images on the cover will become more direct. The covers will be dogs chasing UPS guys, FedEX guys and then DHL guys. I don't want it to be too obvious, just plant the seed.

Then, I'll step it up a notch. I'll start sending myself letters from the AUCA. I'll keep it mysterious at first, then eventually one of the letters will let on to the fact that it's the American Underground Cannibal Association. There will be a special issue discussing top candidates for the next "roast". Mailmen will be listed as one of the top 3 (again, I don't want to be too obvious) since they come to you and can be easily apprehended. The best part is if they go missing during the work day, everyone in the entire neighborhood is a potential suspect. It would take the police forever to get through all of them and you'd have plenty of time to properly dispose of the inedible leftovers. Perfect.

If these two strategies fail, I'll be forced to pull out the big guns. I'll have all my mail forwarded to a different address and simultaneously, I will have all of that mail forwarded to the other address. Thus creating an infinite loop of mail forwarding, effectively preventing his job from ever being done. He'll be forced to go back and forth from house to house never able to deliver the mail. It will keep piling up and eventually wear him down, till he's forced to quit and be replaced by a competent letter carrier that shows some respect for my mail.


Go ahead and bend my letters some more Mr. Mailman, you have no idea who you're dealing with and what I am capable of.

{Evil Sinister Laugh}