"Boyle" the Ocean...

So unless you've been living under a rock for the past week or so, you've heard the name Susan Boyle. If you haven't, you absolutely need to watch this video. Even if you have seen it, hell, watch it again, it's good. She's become an international sensation. The video has been watched over 19 Million times on Youtube and the Facebook page created for her has over 700,000 members. She's pretty much a big deal and I think will continue to be one...Unless of course the whole thing is a hoax. I'm not saying it is...I'm just saying that it could happen. Anyway, in keeping true to my greedy nature, I'm trying to find a way to also benefit from her newfound success. People love to advertise things that they like. Don't agree? Go drive around any neighborhood. It's halfway through April and people still have their Obama/Biden signs up. Yeah, we get it, they won. This is one of the ultimate forms of Showvoting. 6 months after the election and you're still bragging about how your candidate won. Assholes.
Well, I think people are gonna want to show the world that they too, are rooting for Susan Boyle. I figure with 700,000 fans on Facebook, at least 1% would want to endorse her in some way. That's 7,000 potential customers. So, I came up with this great T-shirt. I figure I can make a profit of at least $5 a shirt. That's a quick $35k. Not bad. I could do more, but I don't want to "Boyle the ocean". Baby steps. If you've watched the video (like I told you to) you'll get it. If you haven't...Duh, watch this video.

Here it is: Let me know how many you'd like...

Copyright JB enterprises. ©

$$Cha-Ching!$$ And if you think she doesn't support me...I disagree. When I ran the idea by her, she sent me this:

Two thumbs way up. How could anyone not love this woman?

In the meantime...keep clicking those ads!!!!

"Wear" Did My Childhood Go...

So the other night I was thinking about all the funny things that I (and others) did as a kid. Whether it was eating play-dough...or paste, singing songs, funny rhymes, or insults and their rebuttals, it made me smile. Since it's been a while since I've made any T-shirts, I thought I'd use them as today's medium. I mean if you can't hang on to your youth...might as well wear it. Here's a few of my designs.



Go ahead, call me a name...

That's right my bouncy self makes me impenetrable to your insults...Elmer.




I think we all knew this one...

Hint, stay away from "around the corner".




This one is a little more obscure, you either know the song (and the hand claps or jump rope that go with it) or you don't.

Don't get it? I'll give you a hint, it's kind of like this...

"...She grabbed his dic.....tionary, where there are a bunch of words, the zoo has lots of animals that all make lots of tur...tles in the ocean, eat all of the sea grasses, but when they eat too much of it, it comes out of their as...paragus is a vegetable, it doesn't have a pit, but after you have eaten it, your pee will smell like shi...pments are delivered from the company Fed Ex, so send your girl some flowers and you'll probably have some se...cond hands on watches, they tick and then they tock, the women in the movies like a big and juicy Coc...ktails in the evening are a great way to relax, especially for the men with lots of hair on their ball sa...nta claus is merry, he'll deliver toys to you, but he'll skip right past your house if you're a coupon clipping Je...wBoy wrote this poem and he wrote it all so quick, he didn't even notice Schnoozle when she grabbed his...dic...tionary........."


Still stumped? Really? Fine, click here.

You know IT...

This blog goes out to all of my readers with jobs that have something to do with IT. If you think the word I just wrote was "it" with a typo, you're the kind of person I will be talking about...well, picking on really. The rest of you know I meant IT, as in Information Technology. Computers, cell phones, software, engineering, car navigation systems, whatever. From the person that works at best buy, to the person that does circuit development for cell phone microchips and everything in between we all share the same pains.

Here's a list of some of those pains:

You are tech support (TS) for your entire family and their friends (F&F). This is especially painful when working with people that know as much about technology as Orthodox Jews know about the deliciousness of pork products. Mmmmmmm, bacon. Typical conversations may include the following dialog... TS- "Is the monitor on" F&F-"What's the monitor" TS-"The screen" F&F-"Oh, you mean that TV thingy" TS-"Ugh, yes...the TV thingy"

Your parents and grandparents have absolutely no idea what you do at work, no matter how long or detailed your explanation. If anyone asks them what you do, the answer is always the same "He works with Computers".

As Tech Support, (and usually free tech support) no matter how much time you spend cleaning up and fixing their computer that was either broken or riddled with viruses or spyware, if there is even one icon in a different place when you are finished, they will be angry and unsatisfied with your work. This, of course, is if you are even able to repair the catastrophic damage they have caused by years of misuse. If it can't be fixed, (without major upgrades that will undoubtably cost more than the current value of the computer) you are forced to accept the "Hmmmmph, I guess you're not such a computer hot shot after all" look that they will inevitably give you before telling you they will just have the 8 year old boy next door fix it since he's "really good with computers".

You receive IM's like this:

AuntBubbie:Dear JewBoy, It was good to see you
guys the other night. I'm glad that you were both
able to come for dinner. It's always so nice to have
the two of you here. You really are such a lovely
couple. We look forward to seeing you two again
real soon. Love, Aunt Bubbie
JewBoy:Thanks, we had a good time too
JewBoy:We'll have to do it again
AuntBubbie: That sounds good. We can do it
next Thursday. Your uncle's bridge game was
cancelled so he will be home. I can make soup with
the little noodles that you like. Love, Aunt Bubbie


So I say to all of you...Don't do it! Let them call "Steve" (who we really know is Gujara Rajenabar) at Dell Tech Support and have them try to figure it out. It'll save you the headache. Or, to avoid the problem completely, you can proudly wear this shirt....

P.S. No Joke, while typing this blog (and just about finished) I received a phone call from a F&F that "their wireless internet wasn't working and they wanted me to fix it". My response, "I didn't know you had wireless" F&F- "I don't, it's the neighbor's." Me- "So you want me to fix the internet that you are stealing from your neighbor's house" F&F- "Well it was working earlier...nevermind."

Somewhere in France...

On the eighth night of Hanukkah, my Schnoozle gave to me...
Eight salad croutons,
Seven flavors of popcorn,
Six chocolate fondue dipped biscottis,
FIVE SLICES OF HAM,
Four Meatballs,
Three Chicken Wings,
Two Egg Rolls,
and a pizza with Pepperooooooooooni.


Well, tonight concludes what has truly been a lovely and as you can imagine, tasty 8 nights of Hanukkah. However, with every ending comes a new beginning. Tonight is no different. Tonight marks the debut of the first work of art from my illustrator. From time to time I have ideas that require some custom artwork. Often, the clip art I find on the web and my super skills with MS Paint just won't cut it. Therefore, I have found someone that has the ability to bring my ridiculous ideas to life. Tonight will be the first of such ideas.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Seems possible...but, with this one, I'm only looking for 23. (up to 25 if you want to be picky about the contractions) I thought this could be a funny idea for a T-shirt but want to see if people get it or not. It might be a little too much. Can you figure it out? Let me know what you think, but don't post the answer in the comments and spoil it for anyone. Click on the picture for a larger view.









Play the video if you need a hint.

Still don't get it? It's ok, I'll post the answer tomorrow.

Happy Birthday to Jew...

On the fifth night of Hanukkah, my Schnoozle gave to me...
FIVE SLICES OF HAM,
Four Meatballs,
Three Chicken Wings,
Two Egg Rolls,
and a pizza with Pepperooooooooooni.



So here it is, the birthday of one of the most famous Jewish Carpenters of all time. This year however, it falls on the 5th night of Hanukkah. Does that mean all of his friends would have to buy him two presents? One for his birthday, and one for Hanukkah? Gold, Frankincense, Myrr and perhaps something sensible, like a new robe, waterproof shoes, or some fresh water for his wine making hobby. In honor of this, I created a T-Shirt for such a special occasion.

So Happy Birthday to you J-Man! Have your Cake and eat it too. Then, take six of the candles from it and put them in the Menorah. Might as well get your money's worth out of them.

What's "wit" that shirt?

Tonight's post is a short one, just one of my many T-Shirt ideas. Technically, it is the day of rest for my people, so you're lucky that you're even getting this.

So as you've noticed, my humor is probably best described as "witty". I am known for being quite a cunning linguist. I try to take normal situations and twist them in a certain way to extract the humor. As you know, Schnoozle was born in Taiwan, where pretty much everything that most people own is made. Here's a T-Shirt that I designed for Schnoozle that I think illustrates the point well.

The shirt off my back...

So I've had several ideas lately for funny T-shirts. Those of you who are loyal followers may be reminded of the Jewsian Fusion and Jewish Christmas shirts highlighted in previous posts. I've sent several of these ideas to a website that sells funny T-Shirts. I not going to name them since it's been a few weeks and I've heard nothing back. I figure if they're not gonna use my ideas, there's no way I'm giving them free advertising here, those bastards...But I digress. Let's get onto today's topic. Recently, even the temperature here in Minneapolis has started to feel the effects of the economic situation. We are officially in weather debt. It was -8 degrees today. That means that if the weather here were a bank account, it would officially owe Mother Nature 8 degrees, just to be broke. Lovely. With such bitter cold temperatures comes a particularly unpleasant side effect, dry skin, which of course includes chapped lips.

This brings us to the T-Shirt of the day:






So keep those lips coated, and "stick it" to the cold.

So this is Christmas...

Since the holidays are nearing, I think it's a good time to reflect on one particular Christmas that Schnoozle and I shared. It had been a couple of years and Schnoozle and I are officially "a couple". The holidays were approaching and it was decided that we would spend Christmas with her family. Schnoozle's family are fairly devoted Christians and pretty active with their church. Fine with me. We'll go to church and do all the traditional Christmas things. I figured it wouldn't exactly be eight crazy nights of potato pancakes, menorah lighting and dreidel spinning insanity, like us jews are accustomed to, but I was sure it'd be entertaining at the least. Just a quick side note on Schnoozle's church. It is an all Taiwanese presbyterian church. Now, to Jews, religion is divided into two distinct groups, Jews and Non-Jews. Seriously, that's all we care about. Presbyterian, Lutheran, Catholic, Christian, Baptist.....whatever, to us they are all Goyim.

So our Christmas begins. Schnoozle and I arrive at her church on the eve of Christmas. The first thing I notice is that the parking lot is a bit of a mess. Granted, it's loose gravel and there aren't any lines, but none the less, just about every car is parked crooked, several are still attempting to park. My confusion quickly cleared when I remembered that this is an all Asian church. We walk into the church and take a seat in one of the pews. I glance around and was instantly reminded of Sesame Street's famous "one of these things is not like the other". Yeah, I am the ONLY round eye in the place. No problem, I can handle it. We stand as the Pastor enters and I do my best to hide a proud smile. I am clearly the tallest person in the room. Nice. The pastor does his thing, we sit, we stand, talk about the greatness of the J-man and so on. Peace be with you and also with you...and it's time to sing. Enter the choir...the all asian choir. Believe it or not, Schnoozle has never seen the movie "A Christmas Story". But since I'm pretty confident anyone reading this blog has, you'll remember Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra. I had a live performance. The Choir started out with A Chird is Born in Bethraham, did a couple more songs and ended with a truly heart warming Sirent Night. Awesome.

It's now Christmas day. Schnoozle and I head over to her parent's house. We are going to be making a homemade meal. We start with some traditional Asian appetizers, soy tofu something, sliced pork and some kind of veggies. We then made homemade pork dumplings. For any of the members of my tribe that may be reading, think Kreplach but with a pork filling. We ate the delicious dumplings and then it was time for a movie. We put in "Little Miss Sunshine" and all watched it together. Presents were exchanged, hugs, and "Zai Jien's". (chinese for good bye...one of the 6 chinese words I have learned) On the ride home, I said to Schnoozle..."So let me get this straight, on Christmas day you have chinese food and watch a movie? I hate to break this to you, but that's Jewish Christmas."

Even though "one of these things may not be rike the other"....I guess we're not so different after all.