Whatcha Want? A Cookie?

If there were an Olympics for Grandmas, I'm pretty sure baking cookies would be a major event. It's just one of those things that Grandmas seem to do. You may remember a previous post highlighting some cookies that my mother (who is also a Grandmother....so she counts too) had baked...and the amusing scanner story that accompanied it. Don't remember? Read it here.

Cookie baking, cookie decoration, cheek pinching, knitting, soup making, etc. All Grandma Olympic worthy events.

Well, tonight I would like to submit my candidate for the Grandma Olympics cookie baking event. This event highlights the quantity of cookies baked, variety of cookies and age of Grandmother. Grandmas would have 4 hours to bake as many cookies in as many different varieties as possible. Scoring would be as follows-

1 point per cookie baked.
3 points per variety of cookie.
The Grandma's age mulitplied by 5.

For example if a grandma baked 200 cookies, of 5 different varieties and was 70 years old, her score would be as follows.

200 cookies x 1 point each + 5 varieties x 3 points + 5 points per year of age (70) =
200 + 15 + 350 = 465 points.


I would like to submit the following contestant. While she isn't technically my Grandmother, she is the Mother of my Father's wife, so that's close enough. (She's also a legitimate Grandmother, of one grandson...so that makes it really official) As if that weren't enough, she's also 90 years old. That means according to my official Grandma Olympics scoring rules, she starts out with 450 points. If she baked a measly 16 cookies, she would have beaten the example Grandma above. But...15 cookies are no match for her. Don't believe me? Check out the evidence....

Consider this the qualifying picture. That is her freezer. Yes, it is an incredible, awesome freezer. And inside of that freezer in every single one of those Ziploc containers are cookies. All 30+ containers are jam packed full of cookies that she made from scratch. Did I mention she's 90!?!? The equally giant door to the right is the refrigerator. Each one is about 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide.

What more proof do I need? A freezer full of cookies is standard in just about any Grandmother's house. But I dare you to find one that's as big, or as full of cookies as this one. It's like the holy grail of Grandma freezers. Gingerbread, Almond Squares, Chocolate Chip, Butter, Fruit Filled....you name it, they're in there.


Mark your calendars, Minneapolis- 2011 The Grandma Olympics. Got a Grandma you want to enter? Send me her resume. Got an event you think is Grandma Olympic worthy? Post it in the comments.





And yes, Mom, you can compete.

So? What did "Jew" do?

So, I'm sure you're all wondering how the furniture decision turned out. Here's what I did...

I called the first buyer and told him there was a lot of interest in the furniture and that I had several offers for more money than the price we agreed to. I told him that I would still honor the agreement we made, but I would not be at all flexible on price or pick up date/time. He understood and appreciated that I would honor our verbal agreement. He showed up right on time with his older brother and they removed and carried all the furniture to the U-Haul...without scratching or denting any walls or floors. He was no older than about 20 and was moving into his first place....hence the need for the furniture. He thanked me very much and said that he really appreciated that I honored the $200 price. He said he wanted to pay me the extra $100, but didn't get paid till the following Friday, but could bring it to me then. I was very impressed with the gesture, but told him not to worry about it. I said I was happy that I could help out a young guy that was just starting out and he'd get more out of that $100 than I would. All in all, I felt pretty good about it. In addition to that...I'd also like to say that I'm impressed with my circle of friends and readers. Pretty much everyone I talked to said to honor the verbal agreement and not back out on it just for the extra $100.

They say people are judged by the company they keep...so I'm thankful that I have friends like that to keep me looking good. :-)


Who would have ever thought I'd write a sappy feel good post on this blog....Ewwww. I'm gonna go wash my hands. Stay tuned for some new bloggings...we'll be back to the funny stuff soon.

What Should "Jew" Do?

I know it's been a while since I've posted....and I promise that I will begin posting again. But, right now, I need your help. You, my loyal readers need to help me with a very difficult decision.

Here's the situation:

We are selling some bedroom furniture. I put an ad on Craigslist for the furniture for $200. That evening I received a call from an interested buyer. He promised to purchase the furniture and pick it up this Saturday. He has already reserved a U-Haul and confirmed the pick up. I agreed to wait until Saturday to sell it to him. I edited the ad on Craigslist to say "SALE PENDING" Should be easy right? Nope.

Today I received the following email:

Hey there,

I know this ad says "Pending Sale" but it's sooooo exactly what I'm looking for! I would be willing to pay $300 cash and pick this up at your earliest convenience. I live in Shakopee and it doesn't take me long to get to uptown from here.

If you can respond and let me know if this is still available and if we can work something out, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Carlos


So I am torn between the following decisions...

1. Do I honor my verbal agreement with the first buyer for $200 and be an ethical person?

2. Do I revert to my heritage and take advantage of the better deal and the extra $100?

3. Do I make it interesting and offer the furniture to the first buyer for $250, but include the name and email address of the buyer that is willing to pay $300? Win-Win for the both of us... I make an extra $50 from the original deal and don't feel so torn about my morals and honor....and, he gets to decide which he wants more-the furniture, or the nearly guaranteed $50 profit for flipping the furniture....maybe he could even ask for more...he does already have a U-Haul and could deliver it....that's added value.

To you, my loyal followers, I need your help!! Please comment with your thoughts and ideas. ASAP!

"Checkout" The Savings...

And I'm back. I know, I know, it's been a long time...and for that I apologize. I've been pretty busy but will try to get back into it. One post a week is the current goal. So here we go, this one's packed with valuable info so read carefully....


So now that all of you are fluent in Jewbonics, it's time for your next lesson. Shopping...and the way of the Jew. Some of you may be familiar with a common stereotype about Jews being cheap. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not that we're cheap, we buy plenty of nice stuff. Drive by a temple on a saturday morning, there's no shortage of luxury cars. (American, Japanese, and Italian luxury cars of course, on account of the fact that the "Nazi bastards" make the rest of them) It's clear that we're not cheap, we're just better at shopping. Whether it's hunting down a good sale, maybe doing a little "negotiating" or of course, using the occasional coupon, (or as a few of my less culturally sensitive friends call them, "Jewpons") we usually end up getting a good deal.

Most sons and daughters have games that they play with their fathers. It could be playing catch, chess, basketball, whatever. My father and I had a bit of a different game. We would have receipt battles. Essentially, the competition was based on who could save the most money on a shopping trip to the grocery store. Now you may be thinking, "JewBoy, that's not fair, you worked at Wegmans (Greatest grocery store ever) and clearly had an advantage with your superior grocery store knowledge." While that is true, my father is a Certified Public Account and therefore, a very worthy adversary.

A typical phone call would go like this:

RING RING...

JewBoy: "Hello.."

Dad: "OK, are you ready?"

JewBoy: "I'm ready, let's hear it..."

Dad: "Grand total- Fifty six dollars and forty eight cents"

JewBoy: "Ok...and?"

Dad: "After coupons and Shoppers Club (or whatever the in store sale program was)....wait for it... Thirty one dollars and twenty two cents. A total savings of twenty five dollars and twenty six cents."

JewBoy: "Well done!"


I would then read off my recent shopping trip and we would see who had saved the most. Naturally, we converted the savings to a percentage to keep the competition fair.


So by now I know you are all thinking "JewBoy, that's incredible! How can I too, learn the way of the Jew when it comes to shopping?"

Well today is your lucky day, I'm going to let you in on a couple of secrets.



All you have to do is follow these four rules...

1. Read the price tags carefully, especially on the endcaps of the aisles. Large signs that say "WOW" don't mean the product is on sale. They're usually just the original price on a big fancy sign...no savings there. Skip those and go to the regular part of the aisle where the product is. There is almost always a different size or brand that is on sale.

2. Now that you've found an item with an actual sale tag, look to see what the sale is. Sure, 2/$3.00 may seem like a great deal, but not if the product is usually priced at $1.59. Wow, a whopping $.18 savings if you buy two...don't waste your time.

3. Spend the $1.00 for the Sunday paper...but only after you've checked it to make sure that there are at least two coupon sections. Every once in a while they don't put them in, so essentialy you'd be starting off at a $1.00 loss. Cut out the coupons for the stuff you normally buy, but may not necessarily need right now. Cereal, paper products and toiletries are best. Next time you go to the store, see if any of the items are on sale. If they are on sale, buy them. If not, hang on to the coupon till next time, sales typically rotate every week or so. There's a chance it will be on sale next time. I call this the "double dip". Not only are you getting the good sale price, but you get the coupon savings too. This is a killer strategy for receipt battles.

4. This one is the "Ancient Chinese Secret" of "the way of the shopping Jew"...and probably the most valuable. Grocery stores will often run "Buy One Get One Free" sales, or BOGO as they call it in the grocery world. While this is a good deal on its own, there is an even better strategy. Use a coupon in conjunction with the BOGO. But here is the super secret. Most people think they are buying one and getting one free. True, but...technically you are buying two and getting a discount equal to the value of the second product. So, you can use TWO coupons! AHA! Here's an example. Cereal is Buy one box for $3.59 and get one free. A good deal. But, you clipped the coupons for "Save $1.00 on any box of cereal". You have purchased two boxes, so you can use two coupons. That's $1.59 for two boxes of cereal! (And more importantly, a savings of $5.59, which will help ensure a receipt battle victory.)



For those that doubt my abilities, here's a copy of my receipt from a picnic we had last weekend. Click on the image to see all the glorious details of my savings....and I didn't even use any coupons!

I only paid $24.39 for an order worth $51.88. That's right, a grand total savings of $27.49. That's 53% off! Just think, if everyone could "save" like that, Jesus might get a day off.

Jewbonics-A Primer...

I have always found language interesting. Not so much different languages, but the variations within one language. For example, if you ask someone in California what they call a sweetened carbonated beverage, they would say "Soda". Ask the same question in the mid-west and they'll say "Pop". Upstate New York, they'll call it "Soda Pop". A small area around Boston will call it a "Tonic". Anywhere around Atlanta will call it a "Coke"-regardless of flavor, Coke-Coke, Sprite-Coke, Orange-Coke...whatever. There's many more of these and if you're interested in learning more, check out this page. It's a great collection of regional pronunciations and names for things.

This brings us to today's topic:

Jewbonics- A Primer.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with Ebonics, the name for inner city slang primarily spoken by African Americans. Jewbonics is a similar phenomenon. While several Jewish words have become fairly ubiquitous in the English language, (Schmuck, Putz, Schlep and Schmutz...to name a few) Jewbonics isn't just about the words, it's much more than that. Jewbonics deals more with sentence structure, strategic placement of words, tone...and of course, passive-aggressive guilt. Let me explain...

We'll start with sentence structure. Jewbonics is actually kind of similar to how Yoda speaks from Star Wars. "Strong, with him, the force is." is a great example. Here's how it works with Jewbonics.

Example 1: Describing a girl.

Normal- "She is a smart and nice girl."

Jewbonics- "Such a nice girl she is...and smart too!"


Now let's move on to word placement, tone and the passive aggressive guilt.

Take the word "Maybe". On its own, it's perfectly harmless. "Are you going to the Party?" "Maybe." However, "Maybe" is one of the most cruicial words needed to Jewbonify a sentence.

Example 2: Your mother would like you to take out the garbage.

Normal- "Can you take out the Garbage?"

Jewbonified- "I thought maybe, you could take out the garbage?"

Notice what's happened here. The word "maybe" has been stuck right in the middle of the sentence. By doing this, it's almost as if the asker has challenged your ability to take out the garbage. Also, technically this is a statement. But, when delivered, the word "garbage" finishes with a higher tone (along with a raising of the eyebrows) making it a question. Go ahead, try it. You'll be amazed at how Jewish you sound. Also, by saying maybe, it adds the all important guilt. It's subtley saying "after all I do for you, how could you not do me this one small favor". It's really quite brilliant.


Another crucial word in Jewbonics is "Should". It's plays a similar role to "Maybe" by adding that sense of doubt...and of course guilt.

Example 3: A father comes home late from work to find that his family has eaten without him.

Normal- "I'm upset that you ate without me."

Jewbonics- "All day I work hard to put food on this table...And for this, I should eat a cold dinner?"

Notice there are a lot of the same themes; sentence structure, making a statement a question, the word dinner, (and the word I) of course would be spoken with a higher tone and raised eyebrows, etc. You can see why the word "should" is important. It's similar to the use of the word "maybe" in the previous example, but in this case, there is no doubt. He won't "maybe" have a cold dinner, he knows he will. Therefore, "should" is the appropriate word to use here, as he is challenging the reason why he is having a cold dinner, not if.


Finally, we'll discuss a more complicated example. This involves some of the strategies from above but adds the classic Jewbonic exaggeration.

Example 4: A child is treating her mother disrespectfully.

Normal- "That's not an appropriate way to speak to your mother."

Jewbonics- "9 Months I spent throwing up 4 times a day, and I should be treated like this? I thought just once you could show maybe a little respect?"

See how it all comes together?

So there it is, your first primer on how to speak Jewbonics.

After I spent so much time writing this post, I thought since you're already at your computer, you could maybe leave a comment? And would it kill you to click an ad once in a while?

And The Oscar Goes To....

ME!!!

Ok, maybe not. The absence of my recent blogging is about to be explained. Over the past few weeks I have written, directed, produced and even acted in my first real short film. This past week I was away for my company's annual sales kick off in lovely Detroit. My boss thought it would be fun to put together a short film that highlighted our company's product in a fun and entertaining way. Naturally, he came to me for my creative expertise. Together, with the help of some of my awesome friends, we wrote, filmed, directed, produced and even starred in the film. Our company's senior management loved it so much that they played it at the kick off on a giant screen in a huge room with over 500 people in the audience. They had us stand up when it was over and the crowd cheered and applauded. It was absolutely Awesome!!!


So? Do you want to see it or not? Click the link below to watch it on youtube. I strongly encourage you to click the HQ on the bottom right of the video window to watch the high quality version of the film. Also, you can click the button next to the HQ button to make it fill your whole screen. Here's the link!

Overview: Anyone who has worked in or with a large corporate IT department will get it. It's meant to show how awesome my company's product is and what it can do for you.

Note: The film is a fairly large file and may take a few minutes to load in youtube. Be patient, it's worth it.

Let me know what you think!!!

Twenty Seven Cents...

That's right $0.27...and it's all mine. How is it all mine you may ask? Well, look to the left. That's right, there's an advertisement there. I really have no idea how it works. There was a new tab on the setup screen on my blog next to Posting, Settings and Layout called "Monetize". Naturally, my eyes lit up. I signed up to link my blog to something called Adsense and that was it. They put "content sensitive ads" on my blog and when people click on them, I get paid. This is kind of a double bonus. First off, I get paid for people to read my blog. I've spent all this time working on my blog. Now, my blog is working for me. Second, they put "content sensitive ads" on the blog. This is really one of Google's claims to fame, targeted advertising. The best part is, as I'm sure you have noticed, my blog postings are pretty much ridiculous. So, the ads that show up are pretty funny. For example, I had a posting about how joining a healthclub is a great way for homeless people to combat their difficult situation. Under that post was an advertisement to support a foundation that supports the homeless and the hungry. So, if anyone disagrees with my solution for homelessness, they can just go ahead and help fix it themselves. It's win-win for everyone. The targeted, "relevant" ads for my ridiculous stories should be amusing.

So why $0.27? Well, that's how much money my blog has generated for me today...and it's only the second day.

So, to you...all my loyal readers...Click your hearts out. Click on all the ads. I don't care if you buy anything, but just click and click on them. Look at them, read them all. Think of it this way, the more money my blog makes for me, the less I have to work. The less I have to work, the more time I can devote to my blog. The more time I devote, the better and more creative the blog will be...and you, loyal reader, reap the benefits.

Happy Clicking!

Good Till The Last Drop...

So as you all know, I'm always looking for a good deal. (As I mentioned in an earlier post with the lesser known 11th commandment of my people- Thou shalt never pay retail.) However, I'm just as adamant about getting my money's worth. You may remember from If It Were Up To Me, that I had an idea for a spoon with a squeegee on one side so I would be able to eat all the ice cream out of the bowl. I don't want any of that delicious ice cream to go to waste. Especially if I have paid for it.

Well, I have another great trick for you. In my endless effort to always get my money's worth, I have devised this ingenious technique. I'm not just going to tell you what it is though...I'm gonna make it even better, I'm going to show you! That's right, a live performance!

Here it is...







Yes, I am 30 years old. Yes, I still drink chocolate milk. So what?



Special thanks to Schnoozle for filming this masterpiece.

Anyone notice the shirt?

Offending Vicariously Through Others...

So as you may know, I have a sister. A sister who is obsessed with Disney World. She goes there about 3 times a year. Hey, everyone has their favorite place and to each their own. My sister also has two daughters. One is 5 and the other is almost 2. So, those of you familiar with family trees have probably already come to the realization that I have two nieces. On their most recent trip, (last week) my older and very outgoing niece, we'll call her "Doodle", struck up a conversation with a lady on the bus.

It went like this:

Doodle: "What's your name?"

Lady: "My name is bus lady" (I don't know what her name was, so this will have to do. It's really not an important part of the story anyway.)

Doodle: My name is Doodle.

Lady: Where do you live?

Doodle: I live in "North Care-no-lina". (transliterated in my best "Doodle-speak") Where do you live?

Lady: I live in California.

Doodle: That's where my Grampa and my Shosh live!

Lady: Is Shosh your Aunt?

Doodle: No! Schnoozle is my Aunt, she was made in Taiwan.

Lady: (Speechless...look of shock)

Doodle: She's my Aunt cause she married my Uncle Booger. (That's her nickname for me)

Lady: Why do you call him Uncle Booger?

Doodle: Cause he picks his nose a lot.


I wonder where she learned that from?

Well... someone has to carry on my warped sense humor. Looks like once again, I "picked" a winner. Isn't she adorable?

What's All The Buzz About?

Happy Valentine's Day! I've been waiting for several weeks to tell the story of one of my most memorable Valentine's Days.

It happened when I was teaching high school math in California. It was a normal day in my Advanced Algebra class. Then, about 30 minutes into the class, Angie, one of my most dramatic female students had an issue. Her purse started buzzing. Now, let's back up a real quick. For the most part, I was a pretty easy going teacher. But, I had one very, very strict rule- NO CELL PHONES DURING CLASS! I made this very clear and the students knew better. It was not only due to my complete hatred of cell phones and the horrible behavior that they have created, but also because of the distraction they cause. So back to Angie... Her purse started buzzing...loudly. She leaned over towards her purse and I snapped at her. "You know the rule, NO PHONES". Apparently, Angie was under the impression that she could "out wise ass" Mr. JewBoy. Well, that's a challenge few people are brave enough to take and even fewer are successful with. She responded with, "Just cause it's vibrating doesn't mean it's a phone". Yup, that was her witty retort. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there in awe wondering if she had any idea what the hell she just said in front of a class full of 11th graders. (and almost half of that class was made up of horny boys) I waited a second, realized it was probably not in my best interest to respond, took a step back and I said... "Wow, anyone wanna take this for me?" About six of the guys all started in at once, "Gotta keep it in your purse?" "You that hard up for it" "Can't get a real guy" and so on. I let it go for about a minute or so, figuring if they said it, I'd be off the hook, then cut them off and continued class.

Since it was a holiday, I decided to wrap up class a few minutes early. I told the kids they could just hang out for the remaining time and that's when the temptation got the best of me. I asked if anyone had any exciting plans for the night...besides Angie and her purse. The class went nuts and somehow, I wasn't fired. Unbelievable.

Victory Is Mine!!!

Now I know what you are thinking from the title. You're thinking I have become victorious in my battle against the mailman. No. Not even close. It's my ear. Yes, my ear. My ear and I have been in a fierce battle for the past 3 days. Here's how it all went down.


It started with this....

And then this...

The University of Minnesota had an open swim/dive on Sunday. We decided to go and I was brave enough to jump off the high dive as you can see above. You'll notice my excellent form on the entry in the second photo. That's what did it. My clean entry caused me to plunge very deep into the water. That's when it happened. The water blasted its way into my ear...and refused to come out. Here is an illustrated rendition of what I went through for the next three days.


It begins...

I notice the water in my ear as I am exiting the pool. I do the customary head banging to dislodge the water. No luck.

This is when the full fledged torture began. I got in the car and turned on the music. I could only hear it out of my left ear. Try driving with your ear plugged sometime. The car sounds are all different, you can't hear the cars on one side of you. It's very annoying. I shook my head every chance I got...no luck.





I get home and sit on the couch to write my blog. The head banging continues. Again, no luck. I am deaf in my right ear and the constant headbanging has now made my neck very sore. Schnoozle offers her advice...

I finish my blog and go to bed. I get in bed, turn on the hot steam humidifier and awkwardly hold my head over it. I hope that the steam will penetrate my ear and help coax the water out. I ignore the neck pain and shake my head while the steam enters my ear. Guess what!!! No luck. Schnoozle offers more advice...




I wake up the next morning and my ear is still clogged and definitely worse. Why didn't Schnoozle warn me? Awesome. I shower, drive to work, sit at my desk and realize I can't stand it. I go to target and get ear cleaner/wax remover. I make several awkward trips to the bathroom to squirt the stuff in my ear.



Now, the side of my head is wet, my ear is still clogged and I'm super pissed. I return to my meeting.



My ear partially clears for about 10 minutes then clogs back up. I'm very super pissed. I research "how to remove water from your ear" on the internet. The first site recommends putting rubbing alcohol in my ear. For some reason I decide to do this over the kitchen sink.



Not only does it not work, but the rubbing alcohol really stings my now sore and tender ear. Time for internet method 2...use a hairdryer to to dry the water out of the ear. More advice from Schnoozle...




I'll give you three guess what else didn't work...but you'll only need one. I'm totally desperate. I go into the living room and decide to bust out my gymnastics skills and hope that gravity will be on my side.




Still no luck. I admit defeat and go to bed. I will call the doctor in the morning.

It's morning and my ear is worse. I schedule an appointment for 2:00pm. Naturally I have two meetings I have to suffer through and spend most of the time shaking my head, cringing at the neck pain.


(yeah, I reused the picture, so what)


It's time for my doctor's appointment. The doctor comes in and looks in my ear. He says it's blocked by some ear wax and that's what's causing all the pain, pressure and loss of hearing. He says the nurse will be right in to clean it out. The nurse comes in with at giant syringe and some warm water and peroxide. She inserts the giant syringe in my ear, puts a bowl under my ear and blasts the water into it Super Soaker style. The water blasts out all the stuff in my ear and drains into the bowl. Gross. (See zoomed in image for detail of the giant syringe in my ear. Drawing is to scale)




I can hear!! The pain and pressure is gone. Oh my god I am so happy.




And that is the story of my victory over the water in my ear.



P.S. My mailman still sucks.

Sunday Night Writer's Blogk...

I don't know why, but I seem to have the most trouble thinking about what to write on Sunday nights. I talked to a couple of my loyal readers tonight and apparently, they are a big fan of my artwork. So I thought tonight would be an illustrated guide to one of my typical Sunday night bloggings. It pretty much goes like this...


The blogging begins:


Can't think of any ideas, maybe get some help?

Ok, no help there.

Well that didn't help...

Still no help there. I should know better by now. What to write, what to write...?



Well, that's what it's gonna be. I feel like I'm using my free spin.


Well there it is, a summarized, illustrated rendition of my Sunday night.

Note: Those of you who have been to our apartment will appreciate that I have perfectly color matched the couch. You'll also notice that the comments from Schnoozle come from my left, which is where she sits at her desk doing countless hours of work while I screw around on this thing.

The Way I Am....Part 2...

So let's start with a little housekeeping. First of all, you'll notice there's a new layout. I tried the black background but it bugged me when I read it, so as you can see, it's gone. This one should work for now.

Let me also take a minute to comment on "The Way I Am" blogs. These are not intended to pick on anyone except me. The point is to explain how I became the way I am. My sense of humor, my lack of a verbal filter, my immense knowledge of useless trivia, it all came from somewhere. I mean honestly, how many of you could have the conversation with your mother like the one I had last night? I have pretty much no verbal filter because we've always been able to talk about anything. She can ask me why I didn't want to go out with Shayna Bagelstein from hebrew school in 7th grade and I can tell her it's cause she had a fat ass and pit stains on all her shirts. Perfectly normal conversation for us, no one gets bent out of shape and it's all good. My vast knowledge of useless trivia?...That's from all the books she read to and bought for me. Uncle John's big bathroom reader was one of my favorites and I highly recommend it to everyone. I can say with almost 100% certainty that I am the best adult male gymnast in just about every business meeting I have because she schlepped me to gymnastics 3 days a week for 8 years. You get the idea.

Now on to my wacked sense of humor. I think my dad is to thank for this. I think the best way to describe it is mildly offensive leaning heavily towards inappropriate.

Here's a few examples:

Exhibit A: I went to visit him in Palm Springs, CA during college. It just happened that several of my female friends were there the same week. We all went out to dinner and one of the girls made the mistake of asking my dad his absolute least favorite question....
"Don't you miss the change of seasons?" (Now just as a note, my dad spent most of his adult life in Rochester, NY. It gets about 60 days of sunshine a year and several feet of snow. Palm Springs on the other hand gets about 340 days of sunshine and Zero snow. So needless to say, there's not much to miss.)
So on to his response. He looked at her and without missing a beat asked her- "If you only had 4 periods a year instead of 12, would you miss the other 8?" As you can imagine, her jaw dropped, but she somehow managed to respond with..."Wow, ok...I get it." Pretty much the last thing you'd expect to hear from a middle aged jewish accountant the first time you met him, but a perfect example.

Exhibit B: My dad and I are walking around the Wal-Mart in Palm Springs, CA. (this was prior to Schnoozle working for Target, so it was ok...sort of) It was a saturday afternoon, so it was fairly busy. We got up to the registers and of course there were only a few open and all had long lines. My dad looks around and then blurts out "Jesus Christ, isn't there a 5 Mexicans or less aisle somewhere?"

Exhibit C: My dad, his wife and my grandma and I are all sitting in a deli ordering dinner, probably a nice pastrami sandwich and maybe some soup. I look up and see an older woman walk in with what had to be the biggest fupa I had ever seen. My dad looks up and notices too, he turns to me and says, "Holy shit, it looks like that lady's ass is on backwards"

So there they are, the roots of my useless trivia knowledge, my lack of a verbal filter, my superior gymnastics skills (I have videos to prove it), and of course my sense of humor. Put them all together and you get the lovely gentleman I've grown up to be...just like the lady in the deli, normal in most respects, but definitely a little ass backwards.

Why I'm the way I am...Part 1...

Here's an excerpt from an IM conversation I had with my mom tonight. My comments are highlighted in yellow.

The Big M: HI

JewBoy: hi

The Big M: HOW IS TONIGHT'S BLOGGS COMING {Backspace key must be broken, errors never fixed, tends to yell a lot}

JewBoy: haven't started yet

JewBoy: no ideas

JewBoy: did you read last nights

JewBoy: about the chicken

The Big M: YES i MADE A COMMENT DID YOU SEE IT? {Caps Lock on explains the small “i” and all the yelling}

JewBoy: oh ok, that was you

JewBoy: yup

The Big M: YES BIG M IS ME

The Big M: ANYTHING ABOUT AIRLINE TRAVEL? {an idea for a blog post}

JewBoy: hmmmm

JewBoy: I had some ideas

The Big M: OK

JewBoy: but nothing blog worthy

The Big M: WHAT ABAOUT WEATHER PROBLEMS {another idea}

The Big M: OR SPORTS NUTS {wtf is a sports nut, another idea I guess?}

JewBoy: is your caps lock stuck?

The Big M: opps sorry {I knew it}

The Big M: I loved lasat night's blog

The Big M: commercials n TV? {another idea perhaps?}

JewBoy: extreme skinners?

The Big M: all meds advertised have more and worse side effects than the disease they are treating. I liked the extrememe Skinners. sound good to me {another idea}

JewBoy: you should start a blog

The Big M: men taking Viagara seem to be very good dancers

The Big M: is the side effect you can dance even if yo never danced before?

The Big M: they are alwasy dancing {another idea and a good point, does the horizontal mambo count as a dance?}

JewBoy: blog it

The Big M: I will leave it to you. I don't think I would be a good bloggest {Bloggest is a synonym for blogger, also means “The most blog”}

JewBoy: maybe

The Big M: here is an idea. about sizes of things. ,em's {men’s maybe?} underwear rarley comes in small( probably condoms don'ts either. (a man's thing) or olives medium, large and colassal. coffees large granda etc {backspace key clearly still broken}

JewBoy: again, you should write a blog

JewBoy: you have lots of ideas

JewBoy: its very easy

The Big M: womens underwear, petite, small. can you see a man asking for a petite condom

JewBoy: not likely

The Big M: how about colored condoms. manly blue or soft pink? I don't really know about them, but I thnk they come in colors and flavors too. you could do a great blogg on that {gross}

JewBoy: maybe I'll write about all your great ideas

The Big M: that would be very flattering! {careful what you wish for, heh heh heh}

JewBoy: we''ll see

The Big M: so is there anything new ?

JewBoy: not really, had a business dinner tonight so I am stuffed

The Big M: what did you eat?

JewBoy: so no problem with me using your ideas on my blog? {thought I’d sneak this in there, so I have proof of consent}

JewBoy: wings, spicy green beans, soup, dumplings,

The Big M: not at all. I won't even charge you. {and there’s my consent and it's free too….score!}

JewBoy: ok, I"m gonna use it, I gave you fair warning

The Big M: I love spicey freen beans {I should really fix that backspace key for her}

The Big M: Ok but if it is rated "r" son't put me in any footnotes or quote me

JewBoy: no no, I"m saying it's you

JewBoy: that's the best part

The Big M: not about condonms ..please!!

JewBoy: too late, you mentioned it

JewBoy: it's fair game

The Big M: remember I have pictures of you dresses as strawberry shortcake...{ahh, blackmail…dirty}

JewBoy: I think it will be titled, "Why I'm the way I am...part 1"

JewBoy: A typical conversation with my mom

The Big M: oy vey!! {Jewish for Oh Crap!!}

The Big M: just be sure to state that I have only heard that cndoms come in colors and seen on tv the adds for viagara.

JewBoy: ok ok

JewBoy: I have enough

JewBoy: I"m gonna start writing

The Big M: O get first refusal right?

The Big M: I

JewBoy: nope

The Big M: why not?

JewBoy: I am the writer

The Big M: and I am THE MOTHER

JewBoy: we'll see

The Big M: ok

The Big M: I am here

JewBoy: ok it'll be a while

The Big M: I will be here

JewBoy: ok

The Big M: let me know when it is done

JewBoy: ok {ok}

Is it all starting to make sense now? Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.