Eat Your Heart Out...

I do my best to make this not a boring diary of what goes on in my life. There are plenty of other blogs out there you can read if that's what you are looking for. However, yesterday was a pretty cool experience that I feel is worth detailing. Perhaps it will inspire some of you to do something similar...especially if you never knew you could.

So, for those of you that don't know, yesterday (the 13th) was our 6 month wedding anniversary. Yes, I remembered (Schnoozle did not, but I will let it slide since she had just gotten back from a week in India) and yes I realize that it's pretty gay that I remembered. Thanks to all my co-workers for reminding of that. So, I picked up Schnoozle from the airport at 6pm. She'd been flying for about 24 hours. We got home, she finally got comfy on the couch when I informed her that it was time to go out to dinner. Here's how that conversation went...

JewBoy: Dinner time.

Schnoozle: No way, I am too tired and don't feel well.

JewBoy: I'm sure you are. Ok, let's go to dinner.

Schnoozle: There's no way I am going anywhere, I'm beat.

JewBoy: Well, that's kind of the thing, I'm not asking, I'm telling. We're going.

Schnoozle: You're out of your mind.

JewBoy: I may have planned something that we have to go to.

Schnoozle: Why would you plan something on the day I got back from India?

JewBoy: Because I didn't know you were going to India when I planned it and it's too late to cancel. We're going....suck it up.

This continued for a few more minutes until I explained to Schnoozle that it was in fact our 6 month anniversary and I had made very special reservations that we really couldn't get out of. What were they? Well, a great little restaurant here called Heidi's has a new thing called a chef's table. Basically, you get to sit at a private table in the prep area of the kitchen and the executive chef serves you an 8 course tasting menu of very special ingredients, accompanied by perfectly paired wines. Being the foodies that we are, I thought it would be perfect. Schnoozle having to go to India however, was not. To say the least, she was not pleased about having to get dressed and go out...

Finally she agreed to go and this is what we had for an incredible dinner... (The picture quality is a little crappy since they were taken with my phone and the lighting was weird)


1st Course: Veal Carpaccio with an oyster fritter, served with a kim-chi mayo. (Paired with a Cava, Montsarra, Brut, Penedes)



2nd Course: Cucumber, beet and endive salad with beet puree, beet powder and a soy vinaigrette. (Paired with a Riesling, Mittnacht-Klack, Alsace 2002)




3rd Course: Winter greens with shaved foi gras, crispy potato sticks, chives and a pistachio oil dressing.



4th Course: Homemade papardelle pasta with fresh black truffles, in a butter sauce. This was then drizzled with Armando Manni Olive Oil. This is no normal olive oil, there are only 9 restaurants in the US that are allowed to purchase this oil from the maker and I got to eat it. Wow! (Paired with a Pinot Noir, Domaine Michel Noëllat et Fils, Burgundy 2003)




5th Course: Steamed Salmon with crab salad, peruvian purple mashed potatoes, passion fruit sauce, sage foam and cayenne powder. (Paired with a Cabernet-Tempranillo, Vega Sindoa, Navarra 2006)



6th Course: Braised Lamb with star anise and soy sauce, on a bed of wild rice cabbage salad and topped with puffed rice.



7th Course: Dessert Tri0- Homemade Chocolate sorbet on a flourless chocolate cake. Sweet potato benaise with a reduced maple syrup cream sauce. Red wine poached pear with fresh creme englaise. (Paired with a Madiera, New York Malmsey, Rare Wine Company)



8th Course- Belgian Endive, pineapple and chive salad with a lemon olive oil dressing, served with super fancy stilton bleu cheese mixed with port wine. I'm not gonna lie, I can't handle bleu cheese, it's way too strong for me, but Schnoozle said it was good.



So yeah, that was our dinner. We felt like we were judges on Iron Chef. Needless to say, Schnoozle got over having to go out and I scored some serious Hubby Points.

Oh somehow I...I'm still alive...

I don't know how I've made it this far but I somehow seem to thrive. I've said oh so many things that made the Schnoozle mortified, but somehow I......I'm still alive....woahhhh woahhhhh..... and so on. (read it again to the tune of "I will survive", including the title, just in case you didn't catch that)

So yeah, anyone that knows me, or had the pleasure of being in the limo or at dinner tonight probably knows what I mean. I have a pretty good talent for pushing Schnoozle's patience to the limits...and then way past that. The story of Stevie II was one good example. I recommend it as a pre-requisite to this post.

Tonight we attended a birthday party for a friend from Schnoozle's work. Also in attendance was her boss, several co-workers and friends of friends. Naturally the conversation steered towards what a whack-job I am and all the ridiculous things I do. I thought it would be appropriate to put together a short list of things I've done and somehow managed to live through.

The Wedding:

So as I'm sure everyone knows, my personality and sense of humor tend to drift into the realm of inappropriate from time to time. Our wedding day was no different.

• I had my best man hand the pastor a grape ring pop when she asked for the rings.

• I gave the pastor a list of reasons to read about the Jewish tradition of breaking the glass which included "the last time a married man gets to put his foot down" as one of them.

• I picked her up and flipped her during the first dance. (Which accidentally tore the ties that held the long part of dress up...oops)
  

• I gave a speech where I thanked her parents for raising such a beautiful daughter. I then added "But more importantly, I'm thankful for the language barrier, because if they had any idea what I was saying half the time, there's no way in hell they'd let her near me.
  

Even after all that, she still agreed to marry (and stay married) to me. I knew I had a keeper.


A Typical Day At Home:

One day I got home from work and was a little antsy. I was wearing new socks that happened to be a little slippery on the hardwood floors. I knew it could be better though. So, I pledged the whole part of the floor from the kitchen through the dining room into the living room. I spent about 3 or 4 minutes sliding around and having a blast. Then my attention span (or lack thereof) kicked in and I found something else to do...watch TV, play on the computer, look at something shiny, whatever. About an hour later, Schnoozle came home from work, took off her shoes and walked towards the kitchen. Yup, she slid and nearly killed herself. While on the floor, she saw the can of pledge (I really should have put that back) on the counter and instantly figured out what happened. I then had the impossible task of trying to explain why on earth I would have done something like that. I think I mumbled something about it "seeming like a good idea at the time". We both narrowly escaped death that day.


A Typical Shopping Trip:

Another day, we were at Victoria's Secret. Schnoozle needed a new Bra. The sales lady came up and asked her what size she was. Without flinching, I held up both my hands, cupped them and said "they're about this big"...then ducked.

So what will it be next? Who knows? But one thing is for sure, I'll keep her on her toes...which isn't necessarily a bad thing...it makes her almost as tall as a normal sized person.

(One of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me...

This will be the first what I'm pretty sure will be many posts known as "(One Of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me". Just to clarify, these will be describing the times when she knowingly and purposely wanted to prematurely end my life (prebeditated or not)...not the many times when I am riding in the car and she is suffering from DWA.

If you've ever watched any of the shows on TV where a new couple is house shopping, there is one thing that always happens without fail. They walk into the house, the girl looks around, comments on the carpet, the woodwork, the kitchen and all the other details. The guy always has one comment. "That's where I'd put the big TV". I'm no different. The first thing I bought when I moved to Minneapolis was a big TV. I named it Stevie. Stevie the TV. 42" to be exact, from Costco of course. Why Costco? Costco had the lifetime satisfaction guarantee. That means if for any reason, I became unhappy with the TV, I could return it for the full purchase price, no questions asked. Well, about 3 months after I bought the TV, they canceled that policy. Anyone who had purchased a TV was "grandfathered" in for one exchange. I knew that my use of the plan would have to be very well calculated as I only had one chance. Then it happened. About a year later the 50" version with all the new bells and whistles went on sale. I knew this was my chance. I told Schnooz that I was going to upgrade. She kind of shook her head and mumbled something about the fact that the existing TV was way too big for the room and me being retarded. I'm not sure exactly what she said since all I could think about was the new bigger TV and mostly because I wasn't really listening. I packed up the old TV, threw it in the back of the big car and off to Costco I went. I brought it in, told them that I moved the furniture around and now the TV was opposite a wall and had a bad glare. The new model had an anti-reflective coating so I wanted to get that one instead. They didn't even flinch and handed me a fistfull of cash. I got the new TV (Stevie II), put it in the car and headed back home. Mission successful. In fact, it's probably one of the best deals I've ever pulled off....next to my Northwest Airlines scheme...but that is for another day.

Stevie the TV is heavy. It weighs about 1.3 Schnoozles. (Note: A Schnoozle is a unit of weight measurement I have developed that is equal to the approximate weight of Schnoozle. For example, I weigh about 1.5 Schnoozles and a case of beer weighs about 0.2 Schnoozles.) There was no way that I could carry it up the stairs myself so I asked Schnoozle to help me. We got it upstairs and I started to open the box. That's when it all began. Schnooz saw the size of the new TV and began to flip out. It kind of went something like this..."That TV is way to big...blah blah blah...There was nothing wrong with the last one...It's too big for our little living room...blah blah blah...and some other stuff." All I could think was, I can't wait to see how great it looks. The TV came out of the box and after some more verbal abuse, I convinced her to help me lift it onto the table. Big mistake. We each grabbed an end started to lift. I got my side up, but Schnooz was struggling. Finally she blurted out, "DOWN, down, put it down". It was one thing for her to think that a new TV was stupid and a total waste, but, when her pride got hurt cause it was too heavy for her to lift, she pretty much went off the deep end. We put the TV down. Schnooz looked up at me, red faced and yelled "FU&K THIS!" and stormed off to sit at her computer desk. So now I'm in the living room, alone, with a giant TV on the floor. Great. I tried lifting it up a couple of times but no luck. Now, an important point here is that Schnooz's desk has a perfect line of sight to the living room. So, she can see me struggling. I wasn't about to give her that satisfaction, so I put the TV's box up on its side in the doorway to block her view. Haha! Take that! After many unsuccessful attempts, my engineering prowess came through and I figured out a way to get the TV on the table. TA DA! I hooked it all up and sat on the couch. Wow, it really was big for the room. Then I thought of a trick. I moved the bookcases over a little and slid the couch back, so it wouldn't look as big. From the couch I yelled, "SCHNOOZ!!!, COME IN AND LOOK". She begrudgingly walked in and sat down.

Think of everything you know about math and time. Now think about what the absolute smallest measurable amount of time could be? A millisecond, a microsecond, nanosecond maybe? Well take the smallest amount, then cut it in half. That's about how long it took Schnooz to realize that I had moved all the furniture to make the TV look smaller. My brilliant plan was exposed. Dammit. Schnooz- "You moved the furniture, it's still too big, you're an ass"

I looked at her and said, "Here's the deal, there's pretty much three things in this world that can't ever be too big. You have two of them, I have one, and the other is staying right there on the table." Somehow, Stevie II and I managed to live through that comment and that day.

Isn't he handsome?