Hold it. now....Hold it now...

Got a quick one for you today, just a bit of Wisdumb. If you are ever faced with some sort of task that you have to complete and need to complete it fast, do it when you have to pee really badly. You will be amazed at how fast you can get it done. Don't believe me? Go ahead, try it. Drink about 4 glasses of water. Wait about 2 hours. Now, when you feel like you're about to burst, go sort the laundry and start the washer. I guarantee you'll do it faster than you ever have before. And....if don't make it....just throw your pants in with it.

When One Door Closes...

So, I have decided to bestow upon you once again, more of my ridiculous ramblings. First, we'll start with a new philosophy that I have come up with.

Here goes:

I have decided that there are basically two types of people in this world. (besides men and women) You're either someone that does, or doesn't.....fart in a crowded elevator. (More specifically, a crowded elevator of strangers...cause we all know that if you're with a group of your friends....it's pretty hilarious) I mean really, what better way to separate people? You either give a damn about the people around you and have some semblance of manners and courtesy, or, you decide that the well being of the people around you is of no concern to you. Basically, you're either an asshole, or you're not. I just think this is a more creative way to describe it.

Since it's been a while, I'll spoil you with a couple of words of the day as well.



Inspousia: The inability to sleep without your spouse in the bed with you. As used in a sentence- "I've been traveling quite a bit lately and the wife is totally suffering from Inspousia. I'm gonna have to log some serious snuggle time or she's gonna be a total cranky pants."



Sinkoustics: The unexplained acoustic phenomenon that makes it absolutely impossible for you to hear what your spouse is saying while the water in the sink is running. It doesn't matter if they're right there in the next room...you'll be able to hear that they're talking, but be completely unable to hear what it is that they are saying.

And...on a somewhat related topic:

Conversinktion: The unexplained phenomenon that causes your spouse to wait right until the moment you turn on the sink to start to talk to you from the bedroom. This inevitably leads to...

Spouse 1: (Right as the sink turns on)- Murm murh murm murh..

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: Murmmm muhr mur murrrm murh..

Spouse 2: What?!?!

Spouse 1: Murhm mur murhm murh muhmm

Spouse 2: What?!?!?

Spouse 1: GOD! Nevermind.....jeez, you never listen!

A Tight Squeeze...

Why is it that some women are able to fit a size 14 ass into a size 10 pair of pants, but are completely incapable of getting a 6ft wide SUV into an 8ft wide parking space?

Out of Pocket No More...

So I know I've been "out of pocket" for a while, but no worries, I'm back. I have accumulated some good ideas and material. I'm gonna change it up a little though. The feedback I've gotten is that my posts tend to exceed the attention span of the readers. So, I'm gonna post shorter ones, but more often.....at least more often than I have been. In fact, there will be one new one every night this week. Let me know what you think of the new format.

So, here's today's...


A bit of "Wisdumb"-

Don't keep things in your shirt pocket that aren't waterproof. Specifically, toilet waterproof. Any man that has ever leaned over to lift the toilet seat knows exactly what I am talking about.

More, More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 2 of 2...

So I got pretty good feedback on my last round of Wit and Wisdumb...glad to hear it. Now it's time for the long anticipated part 2.

Here goes:

So, Schnooze and I are thinking about buying a new house. Naturally, we have been doing a lot of house shopping lately. One day while browsing through a house, I had a great idea.... If I were a thief, an open house is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I mean really, you can just walk into the house (many of which are totally furnished and still have all the home owners belongings in them) browse around, "case the joint" and plan your attack. I mean, all they have is some realtor sitting there to tell you how they just refinished the floors or something....then, you're allowed to roam freely through the house....alone. You could pocket anything you want, get a good idea of the layout, find out if the owners are living there or not, or even unlock a strategic window to make for an easy entrance late at night. The whole thing seems pretty risky to me. Of course, this post in no way condones stealing or breaking into houses....it's just a thought, that's all.

Here's a quickie...What happens if someone that keeps Kosher catches the swine flu?

As many of you know, Schnooze and I really enjoy cooking. As many of you may also know, I have a fairly large nose...which I do my best to keep as clean and tidy as possible. Now, on a different and soon to be related topic, you may not know that the inside membrane of your nose is very sensitive to capsaicin...the part of peppers that make them taste spicy. So, my advice to you is, NEVER pick your nose after cutting jalapenos...or any other spicy peppers. Wow! It's a really special type of pain.

And finally, here's one of my favorites bits of Wisdumb:

I pretty much go out to eat for lunch every day. I am also "fortunate" enough to work with what could very well be the two fastest eaters alive. So, it's pretty much a regular occurrence that they are completely done with their meal and ready to leave before I am even halfway through. Being cheap and wanting to get my money's worth, I always take the leftovers with me. Conveniently, our office has a refrigerator that I can keep my leftovers in until it's time to go home. However, it's very easy to forget about them. There were many occasions where I got home, ready for my afternoon snack, only to realize it was still in the fridge at work. Dammit! Well, I figured out the solution. Put your car keys with your leftovers. That way, you can't go home without the leftovers. Simple as that! Of course you may walk all the way out to your car only to realize you don't have your keys...but, at least you won't have to do it again on an empty stomach. Ah Ha! (Note: The picture above is my home fridge and used for illustrative purposes only. It's not the fridge at my office, so that should explain the beer.)

And there it is....Wit and Wisdumb part 2. Stay tuned for my T-shirt and Bumper sticker ideas.

More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 1 of 2...

I spend a lot of time thinking. When I'm driving, when I'm at the airport, when I'm at a party, when I'm shopping...the gears are always churning with crazy thoughts and ideas. I've started collecting these thoughts. Anytime I have one that I think is good, I add it to the little list I've created on my phone. Now that I have a few of these together, I thought they'd make for a good blogging.

Here goes:

For the guys out there. How many times have you gone to a party, gotten a drink, put it down, turned around for a minute and when you came back, there were several identical glasses/cups on the table. Here's my suggestion. Look for one that has lipstick on it...and take that one. Why you may ask? Basically, if you're gonna swap spit with anyone at the party, it might as well be a girl. I mean honestly fellas, if you're at a party and had a few drinks, there's probably very few girls you wouldn't make out with anyway.

Next, for those of you that don't travel much...or even those of you that do, here's a little airport advice. Anytime you are going to fly, make sure you wear shoes with socks. All airports require that you remove your shoes while going through the security checkpoint. Do you really want your bare piggies touching the nasty, never- cleaned floor, where all those other people's bare piggies have been? I know I don't. It's almost as bad as the guys at the gym that use the locker room urinals and stalls barefoot. I really hope none of them travel.

Speaking of wardrobe suggestions, here's another. Like many people, I often wear a red shirt with khaki shorts or pants. It's a perfectly normal outfit. However, it's a huge mistake if you plan on shopping at a Target. As you may know, red and khaki is the official "uniform" of Target employees...and one of the few company uniforms that could also be a normal outfit. On two separate occasions now, I have gone to Target accidentally wearing this color combination. Both times I have been stopped by no less than three shoppers that asked me where certain items were located. (Now, had it been a Wegmans, obviously, I would have known. But, Targets are big stores with lots of items...and more importantly, I don't work there.) So...then I have this awkward moment where I have to tell the person I don't work there...which is then returned with one of the two following looks. 1. They look at me like I am lying to them because I am too lazy to help them, or don't know the answer. Or, 2. They look at me like "Well then while the hell are you wearing a Target uniform....idiot." I'm gonna just start telling people random aisle numbers.

And for my final thought... When you cross a one way street, do you still have to look both ways?

Stay tuned for part 2...

Several Strategies of Successful Spouses and Significant Others...

So as I come up on my 8th month of marital bliss, I find myself a much wiser man, with respect to women and relationships. I feel it is only fair to pass on this acquired knowledge to you...my loyal readers. Like my previous post about the mighty mammaries, I'll be speaking from the man's point of view. Here's what it boils down to: I think relationships have three distinct stages. The first stage I like to call Datopia. (Day-Toe-Pee-Uh) This is essentially when a couple starts dating and everything seems just perfect...a dating utopia. No matter what the activity is, both people agree to do it and have (or in some cases, pretend to have) a fabulous time.

The second stage I call Datfiance. (Date-Fy-Ence) This is when the man starts openly showing his lack of enjoyment of the activity in a defiant manner. For example, during Datopia the man will appear to show genuine interest as his significant other picks out clothes. He may even say things like-"Yeah, those pants look nice, I like the shirt too". Once he has entered Datfiance, as soon as they enter the store, he makes a B-line for the "Man Chair" that every women's store has just outside the dressing room. He openly refuses to assist with the shopping and has no remorse about showing his complete lack of interest. He passes the time by playing on his phone while babysitting the collection of shopping bags from the previous stores.

The third and final stage I refer to as Datvoidance. (Date-Void-Ence) Knowing what the activity involves, this is when the man "nips it in the bud" and flat out refuses to participate. For example- Her: "I'm going to the mall, are you coming?" Him: "No."

Unfortunately, Datvoidance isn't always an option. This is where today's lesson begins. These are my suggestions for how to best manage the Chicktivities (Common activities that chicks try to rope men into) that most men have no interest in. I'll list them by Chicktivity and the type of girl typically guilty of it.

1. The Bookstore- A favorite pastime of the Bookworm chick. This chicktivity involves spending countless hours walking around the bookstore looking at and buying books that will no doubt end up on the bookshelf unread like the 5 books she bought the last time you went there.

How to handle it- Most bookstores have an "Art" section. (I know what you're thinking...just stay with me.) The art section is divided into many categories. In most large bookstores, one of these categories is photography. While color pictures of naked girls in magazines is considered porn, (and usually sealed in those annoying plastic bags) black and white pictures of naked girls in hardcover books is Art. Jackpot! Sure, they're a little artsy-fartsy and you'll probably have to deal with the occasional hairy arm pitted naked chick that looks like she has squirrel's tail in a leg-lock. But, it sure as hell beats standing there while she thumbs through the latest novel from the author that wrote "The Devil Wears Prada". You get to thumb through the books where the chicks wear nada.

2. Reality TV- There's a lot of chicks out there that are reality TV junkies. If your girl is one of them, I got you covered.

How to handle it- There's no shortage of reality TV crap out there. Your strategy is to get her hooked on the right one. My suggestion, "The Girls Next Door". This E! series focused on Hugh Hefner's recent trio of blondes. That's right, behind the scenes of the playboy mansion. Sounds pretty good huh? There's a catch though...DO NOT WATCH IT ON E!. Those bastards censor all the good stuff. Pony up the $5 and rent the DVD's...they are uncensored. She gets all the reality TV she wants and you don't have to deal with the blurred out boobies and bootys. That's right, the DVD's show it all...and there's lots of it.

3. Shoe Shopping- I still haven't been able to figure out this obsession, but for some reason it seems to run rampant among most females. This really is one of the most painful of all the chicktivities.

How to handle it- It's time to call in the big guns. Get your girl a gay boyfriend. He's your pinch hitter for this, the most excruciating of the chicktivities. Every girl needs a gay boyfriend. Sure, hanging out with the girls is good, but that isn't always an option. With the gay boyfriend, she gets the feeling of being with a man, but with all the benefits of a girl...and there's no threat to you. Shoe shopping? He loves it. But it doesn't stop there. Her favorite musical comes to town...Hugh Grant has a new movie out...The local museum is doing an exhibit of fashion through the decades? Guess who'd love to take her? I'll tell you who, her gay boyfriend. All you have to do is pay for the tickets. She'll think you're so sweet for finding something she'd enjoy doing and you get to stay home on the couch keeping your balls adequately scratched. It's win-win.


Have a chicktivity you're struggling with? Feel free to ask my advice in the comment section.

Oh yeah...and click on the advertisements. After I gave you such valuable knowledge, it's the least you can do.

"Smorgasbored"..

Tonight's blog title is inspired by my trip to IKEA today. A smorgasbord, as you may know, is a Swedish buffet style meal consisting of a variety of foods. Tonight's blog will be just that, a variety of items all together. Since most people read this when they are bored you can see why I titled it "Smorgasbored". How clever of me.

Here goes:

Words-

Smorgasbored: Any variety of activities one partakes in when suffering from extreme boredom. Reading blogs, playing games on a phone, channel surfing.

Hallucellations: The feelings you get on your hip or in your pocket when you could swear that your phone buzzed, but after pulling it out to check, you see that there are no messages or calls.


Wisdumb-

Orange juice tastes terrible after you have just brushed your teeth. However, brushing your teeth after you have just drank orange juice is fairly pleasant.

If you ever need it to rain, have me spend at least an hour hand washing my car. Rain is guaranteed within the next 24 hours.

The less expensive the product you buy, the more impossible the price tag is to remove. I bought a $4 stainless steel bowl at IKEA today. It took me 5 minutes of fingernail scraping to get about half the tag off, then two applications of Goo Gone, then 3 more minutes getting the tag bits out from under my fingernail, then I had to put it in the dishwasher. However, price tags on items from Crate and Barrel and our favorite store, Kitchen Window peel off with almost no effort.

Haiku-

Your is what you have
You're is the same as "you are"
It's really not hard



Update on the status of my blog working for me: $7.12 so far. Sweet.

And I Wonder...I Wah Wah Wah Wah Wonnnnnnder....

So the other day a co worker asked, "Why do bluetooth headsets have a blue light? Who is that for?" It's a good point. The person who is using it can't see it, so why bother making it light up? It made me wonder about some other things. Here's a few...

Why are they called T-Shirts, but not V-Shorts, or even V-Pants? I mean after all, they're just as much a V as a shirt is a T.


When person A is talking on the phone and can't hear person B on the other end, why does person A talk louder? I always ask people "Are you talking louder because you can't hear them?"


Why does everyone on a conference call insist on asking the host "How are you?" Even though they just heard the 10 other people ask them the same question? On that same line of thinking, why does the answer change? (good, not bad, pretty good, doing great) Seriously, it's only been like 10 seconds.


How is that after all these years, there are still not any words that rhyme with orange? You'd think someone would have come up with something by now. Come to think of it, there aren't really any words that rhyme with Schnoozle either. I should have planned better...it makes it hard to sing songs about her. I'll keep working on it.


Bonus point to anyone who has the Del Shannon song Runaway stuck in their head from reading the title. Wanna hear it? Click Here.

Wisdumb and Dumber...

Once again, it's time for a little Wisdumb. These are things I have learned...usually the hard way.


1. Using the bathroom at work or a restaurant can save a substantial amount of money on toilet paper. In times like these, every little bit helps.

2. If you drive a stick shift car, leave it in the gear you will be using when you return to the car.

3. Smell the milk before you drink it...in the glass, not the container.

4. For the men out there- When you've been outside in the cold for a while, warm up your hands a little before you urinate. You've all done it and know what I mean.

5. In the winter, after you get off of a fabric couch to go to bed, touch a metal chair or table or something non-electric before turning off the light. The light switch will shock you way worse, way way worse.

6. Waiters and Waitresses handle plates all day. I would go as far as to say that they are subject matter experts on plate temperature. There is no need to validate their knowledge.

7. Inside your car is absolutely the worst possible place to keep the lock de-icer.

8. The saying "A sharp knife is a safe knife" is a load of crap. All it means is that the cut will be so clean, it will take longer to realize you've made a near-fatal wound to your finger.


That's all for tonight. I'm off to dream about a shadowless groundhog.

More Wit and Wisdumb...

Today is going to be a bit of a blog buffet. There's going to be a Word Of The Day, some Wisdumb and a little more of "The Way I Am".


As you can see in the picture I just took, my trusty outdoor thermometer (found at your local Target store) says it is -12.3 degrees outside. That is just the ambient temperature, if you include wind chill, it's around -30 or so. How nice. There are a couple of things that happen when it's this cold outside. First, people don't really go anywhere, it's just too damn cold. Second, since people aren't going out anywhere, they stay home and try to keep warm. Finally, there is a rise in the number of births the following October and November. A rise in births you might ask? Yes. This is due to our word of the day.

Sexual Wintercourse: Any sexual act that occurs when people stay home to avoid the cold and try to keep warm. This typically happens in the coldest winter months of January and February, accounting for many of the births in October and November.


A bit of Wisdumb:

Brush your teeth before you get dressed in the morning. No matter how much you scrub the part of your clothing that the toothpaste landed on (and it will land on something) the white stain will reappear later and you run the risk of looking like Monica Lewinsky.



Finally, a little more on the way I am. So last night I ran a few "words of the day" by my dad. We were trying to pick the ones that were blog worthy. (Don't worry, they'll be in an upcoming post) This morning I received the following email:

(Click image for larger view)



Just a note, the second one is pronounced Sniff-full-liss.

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