The Longest Mile...

I'm back. Took a little break cause we had lots going on, but I'm going to try to get back on this more regularly. Gonna try a few different things too....some different writing styles, maybe some poetry, alternate music lyrics, basically anything I feel like doing. After all, it's my blog, so I'll do what ever the hell I want.

Tonight is going to be an open opinion letter to the airlines....specifically their reward programs.

Dear Airlines,

Your reward programs are a steamy pile of loose bowel movement. For those of you not familiar with these programs, here's the basics. You sign up and get credit for every mile flown. Typically when you reach 25,000 miles, or 25 flights, you get elite status, 50,000 or 50 flights, you get premium elite and 75,000 or 75 flights and you are ultra premium. It varies by airline, but for most of the major ones, that's close enough. Sounds great right? No, not at all. There are so many tragic flaws in this that I could write for days. But, I'll keep it brief and then explain how I have come up with a far superior method.

Here's the problem:

Person A buys a super saver discount ticket for about $225 and flies to Miami from Seattle 4 times in a year. The 4 trips are on time and everything is good. Congratulations, you've flown over 25,000 miles and you've earned elite status...and enough miles for a free ticket that could very well be valued at over $500. And....it was done in a total of about 36 hours of travel time and cost you a whopping $900 to do it. For the remainder of that year AND the entire next year, you get to board early, don't have to pay for checked bags and enjoy a variety of other benefits.

Person B flies from NYC to Boston, Toronto or Detroit almost every week for business. They take a total 48 flights and receive 24,000 miles ( less than 500 mile flights are rounded up to 500...how generous) and still don't have enough miles for one free ticket. In addition, shorter business flights like that are usually very expensive....in the $400-$1000 range. So, person B spent well over 150 hours traveling, encountered countless delays (US Customs being one of them) spent well over $15,000 on tickets and has the exact same level of "Eliteness" as Person A.

That, my friends, is horse shit. Wet, hay-filled, stinky, splattered all over the pavement, horse shit.


So, as usual, I've solved the problem. Frequent flier miles aren't a reward for loyalty to an airline....which is what these programs claim to be. Now, Travel Minutes (TMs) .....that's a reward for loyalty.

Here's the program:

You get one point for every minute you spend "traveling". So, if your flight is scheduled to take off at 2:00pm, and land at 4:30pm, (150 minutes of flight time) you can expect 150 TMs. If you are delayed one hour from your expected 2:00pm departure and land at 5:30pm, you can expect 210 TMs. (150 scheduled +60 min delay = 210 TMs) Makes sense right? You get rewarded for flying the same airline, but more importantly, you are rewarded more as the level of inconvenience increases...and it will, trust me. After you've reached 2500 TMs, (which is about the equivalent of 25 short to mid length flights) you're elite and now receive 2 TMs per minute spent traveling, 5000 TMs = premium elite and 3 TMs per minute, and Ultra elite = 7500 Tms and 5 TMs per minute. It's the perfect way to reward our most loyal and most inconvenienced passengers fairly.



I really should just be in charge of everything.

Say Cheese!

So for all of you that thought I was crazy with my Breast Idea Yet, it could be worse. While I wanted to make a commercially available breast milk product for babies, this guy decided to do this....

While they may joke about a Ben and Jerry's flavor ice cream. I had a similar idea. I think frozen breast milk Popsicles could be great...especially for teething babies. Cha Ching $$$$

My Breast Idea Yet....

Well, I've done it again. I've come up with yet another incredible idea. There has been a big movement lately for people to eat healthy, natural foods. I think it's fair to say that no food is more healthy, or natural, than breast milk. Now before you think I'm totally crazy...relax, I'm talking about for babies. While I'm sure there are some freakshow adults out there that have a breast milk fetish, that's not where I'm going with this post.

The first year or so of a baby's life is one of the most important for nutrition and growth. It's a well known fact that breast milk is just about the best thing you can feed a baby. This is clearly an untapped market. While many women would like to breast feed, they are either unable, or unwilling to do it. Maybe they can't produce milk, maybe it's too uncomfortable for them, maybe they don't want their bodies to suffer the traumatic effects that breast feeding can cause, maybe they just want to get back to their pre-pregnancy boozing...who cares? The point is, these guilt ridden (or possibly just selfish) are gonna be willing to pay top dollar to give their kids the best. And that's what I'm gonna give them. No more powder from a can for your little loved one...


I'd like to introduce:

Gourmammory Milks
The Only Gourmet, Packaged Breast Milks Available on the Market Today.

That's right, I'm talking about a full line of upscale, gourmet breast milk. Why not? Every other food is coming out in organic, natural versions, why not breast milk? These milks would be from a variety of lactating ladies, all closely supervised (by me of course) to ensure the highest quality of each of the varieties of breast milks. Each variety/vintage would come with a full description of the "donor" and their diet. The initial varieties would include milk from women with the following diets:

• Meat Eaters
  
• Vegetarian
• Vegan
• Organic
• Raw
• And of course...Kosher
  

Custom orders can be placed for any combination of the above from women of any age, ethnicity, or lifestyle choice. Applications are also being accepted for donors. Applications that do not include a picture will be ignored.

Jesus Saves.......And So Can You.....

So I have come up with yet another million dollar idea. The big joke amongst my friends is how I have a knack for saving money on items I purchase....as you may remember from "Checkout The Savings". Well. I've decided to turn this into a real business. I call it.... Rent-A-Jew.

Here's the idea- You rent me, or one of my other certified J-Card carrying cohorts. You then let us know the item, or service that you are shopping for. We research the item or service using our network of "top secret Jew resources" and find you a better price. Our fee is a mere 25% of the amount of money we have saved you. For an additional fee, we will accompany you to the store if a live face-to-face negotiation is needed.

With Schnoozle's assistance I may expand this business to include Rent-An-Asian. This would be primarily for anyone needing assistance with math, fixing your computer, or learning how to use your new camera. They will come to you....provided that parallel parking is not required.

To the front, to the front....to the back, to the back....

So as I alluded to in my last post, I had a couple of ideas for a shirt and a bumper sticker.

As I mentioned in Mammary Mythbusting, men love boobs. Men also love staring at boobs. Trust me, I know this from experience...lots and lots of experience. In fact, I got caught staring at a set by my mother when she was visiting. (AWKWARD!) We were at Target and the women next to me in line (a new mother...and you know what that means...nice and full) was wearing a tight, thin tank top....and going commando. It was odd, despite the warm weather, she appeared to be very cold...if you know what I mean. My mom called me out and said..."Do you think you could have been a little more obvious?" Whatever...if you're wearing a shirt like that with your high beams on...you lose all right to complain about guys staring at them. Anyway, I digress. I'm pretty confident that women are not a fan of this. So, as a way to repent for my obvious gawking, I designed them this shirt.

While I realize this is only appropriate for a subset of all the women out there, don't worry, I have designs for the others. Canadian and not so well endowed? We could have Eh! cups. As in, Stop staring at my Eh! cups....Eh! Or, for some of the marine loving Mamas, the cups would have a little picture of the ocean...for...you guessed it.."Sea Cups". D Cups and above....honestly, it doesn't matter what you wear...we're gonna stare.


Onto my next idea...

I've always loved cars. I've also always really enjoyed driving....and then I moved to Minnesota. Driving here is pretty much my absolute nightmare. I have seen people here do the most unbelievable things. They'll stop at the end of an on-ramp with their signal on and sit there trying to merge onto the 60mph highway. They'll make right turns from the left turn lane. They'll use the shoulder to pass on the right when the left lane is wide open...unreal. However, one of my biggest pet peeves is when you are in the right or center lane of a highway with the lane to your left wide open, and some douchebag comes flying up on your ass and tailgates you. Seriously, WTF? The left lane is wide open. I'd say 7 out of 10 times it's some wanna be tough guy retard. Women are also guilty of this behavior...but slightly less. So, I designed this bumper sticker for the guys guilty of this crime.

I mean, if you drive that way, it's really obvious enough. But, I figure we might as well call a spade a spade. So go ahead, tailgate me. You're just admitting to what all of us already know. Dickhead. For the girls...perhaps a "Tailgate me....if your ass looks fat in those jeans" would be a good one? That might do the trick.




Give yourself a bonus point if you read the title of this post and got the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

You get half of a bonus point if you read the line above this and now have the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

No idea what I'm talking about....click below and wait for 0:36.
Now Dip, Baby Dip!

And The Oscar Goes To....

ME!!!

Ok, maybe not. The absence of my recent blogging is about to be explained. Over the past few weeks I have written, directed, produced and even acted in my first real short film. This past week I was away for my company's annual sales kick off in lovely Detroit. My boss thought it would be fun to put together a short film that highlighted our company's product in a fun and entertaining way. Naturally, he came to me for my creative expertise. Together, with the help of some of my awesome friends, we wrote, filmed, directed, produced and even starred in the film. Our company's senior management loved it so much that they played it at the kick off on a giant screen in a huge room with over 500 people in the audience. They had us stand up when it was over and the crowd cheered and applauded. It was absolutely Awesome!!!


So? Do you want to see it or not? Click the link below to watch it on youtube. I strongly encourage you to click the HQ on the bottom right of the video window to watch the high quality version of the film. Also, you can click the button next to the HQ button to make it fill your whole screen. Here's the link!

Overview: Anyone who has worked in or with a large corporate IT department will get it. It's meant to show how awesome my company's product is and what it can do for you.

Note: The film is a fairly large file and may take a few minutes to load in youtube. Be patient, it's worth it.

Let me know what you think!!!

Helping my Homeless Homeboys...

You may remember my encounter with the residentially challenged gentleman in San Francisco. If not, read this first. I think about lots of things as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog. I find myself having the same recurring thought from time to time...What would I do if I were homeless? Have you ever thought about it? I have, especially in times like these where it seems like people are losing their jobs and their houses left and right. Fortunately for Schnooze and me, we're lucky enough to both have jobs so we're not really at risk...but still, I think about it. The other day I had a breakthrough in my "what if I were homeless" thoughts.

So, here it is, my advice to the homeless:

Join a healthclub. Yup, join a healthclub. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Well, here are my supporting arguments.

• Healthclubs are typically open long hours. For example, mine is open from 5am to 9:30pm. That means there would be less than 8 hours a day where you'd have to find somewhere else to be.

• The average cost for a healthclub membership for an entire month is between $50 and $75. The average cost for a single night at a hotel is at least $50. Rent for a cheap apartment is at least $300 a month. The healthclub is by far the cheapest choice for the maximum amount of shelter...typically nice shelter too. Leather couches and all that. Earning $50-$75 a month can't be that hard. That would be just over $2 a day in beggings.

• Healthclubs have showers. Those showers are stocked with soap, shampoo and conditioner. The sinks have combs, razors, mouthwash and shaving cream. Essentially all of your hygene needs would be met...for free.

• Healthclubs often have laundry service for an additional fee. (It's $20 a month at mine) Since it's done daily, that means all you'd need are two outfits. Less than $1 a day in beggings.
  

• There's also free coffee and water. That covers all your beverage needs. Food shouldn't be too hard with all the $1 menus these days. Raise your beggings to $4 a day and you'll be able to eat pretty well. In fact, if you join a healthclub near a Costco, (or grocery store) "sample walks" as I call them can practically be a full meal.

• There is a lounge, a pool, a sauna, steam room, excercise room, and classes to attend. That should keep you occupied (not to mention healthy and squeaky clean) from 5am to 9:30pm. Being in so many different places will make it hard for people to tell you've been there all day.
  

• There's always somewhere you can sleep from 9:30pm to 5am. For example, my healthclub has a heated garage. No one would ever notice you there. Zzzzzzzzzz.

• Healthclubs are full of people that are pretty motivated. Not only with respect to their physical fitness, but in other aspects of their life as well. That means they probably have ongoing projects that they may need help with. Remodeling, yardwork, etc. There will be plenty of opportunities for some work on the side or a free meal here and there. This could offset the need for the $4 a day beggings.

So there it is, for a mere $50-$75 a month all your health, hygene and shelter needs can be met. Homelessness solved. Next up, I think I'll solve Racism. How hard could that be.

Good Till The Last Drop...

So as you all know, I'm always looking for a good deal. (As I mentioned in an earlier post with the lesser known 11th commandment of my people- Thou shalt never pay retail.) However, I'm just as adamant about getting my money's worth. You may remember from If It Were Up To Me, that I had an idea for a spoon with a squeegee on one side so I would be able to eat all the ice cream out of the bowl. I don't want any of that delicious ice cream to go to waste. Especially if I have paid for it.

Well, I have another great trick for you. In my endless effort to always get my money's worth, I have devised this ingenious technique. I'm not just going to tell you what it is though...I'm gonna make it even better, I'm going to show you! That's right, a live performance!

Here it is...







Yes, I am 30 years old. Yes, I still drink chocolate milk. So what?



Special thanks to Schnoozle for filming this masterpiece.

Anyone notice the shirt?

A Hairy Situation...

Anyone who lives with a woman with long hair is reminded of it constantly...even if she is not there. The reason that they are reminded is because the hair ends up everywhere. The bathroom floor, pillows, laundry, sink, sheets, everywhere. However, there is one place where it really collects...the hairbrush. Every morning I have the same battle with the hairbrush...as illustrated below...


This is the hairbrush:


As you can see, it's full of hair. Ugh.


So this is what happens to JewBoy:



I use the hairbrush and Schnoozle's hair comes out of it and gets into my hair. Then I have random long hairs stuck in my hair and I have to pull them out and it tickles...especially around my ear. I try to pull the hair out of the brush, but it's a pain in the ass.

So as usual, I have devised a brilliant solution. I call it the RemoovHair. It's a hairbrush that automatically removes the hair that gets stuck in it.

See below:



It's a normal hairbrush with a switch that slides up and down. When it slides up, it makes the metal band under the brush part push up against the base of the bristles. The base of the bristles slides up the bristles and pushes all the hair out.

Looks like this:




Viola! The hair pops out of the brush and it's clean and ready for JewBoy to use. No more annoying long hairs that tickle my ear. And NO! I am not going to buy my own hairbrush. You should know by now that I'm way to cheap for that.

Oh man...I HATE doing that...

I wouldn't say that I hate housework, there's just a few specific jobs that I hate, like really hate. Two of those jobs are taking the garbage out and making the bed. The reason that I hate these two jobs the most is because of the unique challenges they create. So as you can imagine, I have devised a better and more clever way to deal with these chores. See below:

Making the bed. The biggest problem here is that the sheets slide all over. You pull them on one side and then they slide to the other. Then, they aren't even and you have to walk around the bed three times to adjust it. Here's my solution- BedSnaps.

So here's the basic idea. The bottom sheet attaches to one side of the bed. The Top sheet attaches to the bottom. Then, the comforter attaches to the other side. Now, making the bed is as easy as 1,2,3. You'd make it the same way you close a box. Pull the bottom sheet over, then pull the top sheet up, then pull the comforter over from the other side. The bed is made, everything is perfectly even. Awesome!

Now, on to taking out the garbage. We bought one of those fancy "Simple Human" garbage cans. It is my conclusion that "Simple Human" was invented by "Stupid Designer". Here's the problem....

The main problem is that as the garbage bag fills up, it creates an airtight seal with the can that it is in. So, when you try to pull the bag out, it creates a vacuum at the bottom of the can and the bag is impossible to pull out. (Especially when you've been smushing and smushing it down.) As you pull and pull to get the bag out, the bag can stretch and tear. Then the bag leaks or things fall out and JewBoy gets very super pissed. This problem is soooo easy to fix that it makes me angry that they didn't design it this way. See below....The FlowCan-

Yeah, it's that simple. Drill a couple of holes in the bottom of the can. Now, there is no vacuum, so the air can flow in as the bag comes out. The bag slides out easily and JewBoy doesn't get pissed. Why am I the only person thinking of these things?

That's A Lot Of Hot Air...

In my endless effort to make things more efficient, I have come up with another Mydea. Like I mentioned in Half and Half's, everything seems to be getting combined lately...especially in the bathroom. Shampoo that conditions, soap that moisturizes, toothpaste with mouthwash, you get the idea. Well, why not go one step further? Why not make the the entire process of showering more efficient. Right now, you get in, get wet, get clean, then get out, towel off and then (mostly for women) blow dry your hair. Well, I figured out a way to make the whole process better.

I call it the Showair. (shah-where) Like the laundry machines in Europe that wash and dry the clothing in the same machine, this is the same idea. It sprays water, for showering. Then it blows hot air to dry you off. No towels needed. Think of the benefit to the environment!

You would enter the shower as normal. See the illustration below of JewBoy shampooing his hair.

Then, once you are all squeaky clean. You would switch the Showair setting from water to air. It would blow out hot air and dry you off completely. No need to use a towel. No need to leave the nice warm shower and go into the cold air of the bathroom. Plus, using towels means more laundry and I hate doing laundry.

Added bonus: Since there is no more need for towels, there is a better chance of Schnoozle walking around Nudies. Sweet.

A "Hole" Lot Of Problems...Solved!

We've had a bit of a heat wave here the last week or so. Temperatures have even reached a balmy 40+ degrees. While this is a nice change, there is one nasty little side effect. As the temperature goes back and forth above and below freezing, the roads pay the price. That's right, potholes.

As if the bone rattling ride this creates while driving isn't enough, (although not quite enough to shake the water out of your ear) the little bits of gravel get kicked up and fly everywhere. This creates a hazard for pedestrians and can cause damage to other cars. The holes get filled with asphalt, but quickly come loose. There's got to be a better way.


Well, guess who thought of it? Yup, your very own JewBoy has another one of his ridiculous ideas.

Here's the plan: It's really very simple, they have it all backwards. Make the roads out of rubber, and the wheels of the car out of concrete. (or any other hard material, metal, asphalt, whatever) It's that easy.

How great would that be? If anything happened to the road, you just melt a little rubber and fill it right in. Piece of cake. They could have road Zambonies that just drive over and melt and resurface the rubber. No more smelly tar and asphalt. No months and months of construction. There would be fewer traffic problems and all the money saved on construction could be used on other community projects. It's the first step to pave...no, to rubber the way to a better future.

MicroMydeas

So as you know, I always have crazy ideas. From the ridiculous FlatuScents to the actual decent ideas like Windshield Scripers. Tonight is gonna be a list of MicroMydeas. These are quick ideas that I haven't taken the time to think through fully, or diagram out thoroughly. They'd just things I think should exist and it makes me think, "Why not?" I leave it up to you, faithful reader, to tell me which ones to pursue.


MicroMydea 1:

So I saw a survey on Facebook today that said... "Which energy source do you think should be pursued?" Wind, Solar or Hydro. I thought to myself, why do I have to pick only one?
Why not cover windmills with solar panels. They're outside all day and already have generators feeding some kind of battery, why not make them useful if it's not windy. Duh.


MicroMydea 2:

Every night that we cook, we have to clean. I hate it. My wonderful food coma is ruined by the thought of having to clean up. The stove and microwave are two of the most annoying. (Despite Schnoozle's efforts, I still have a bad habit of not covering things.) How come the oven has self cleaning but nothing else does? Really, no one has thought of this? We have robot vacuums and floor cleaners. There's even self cleaning showers and toilets, and no one has found a better way to clean the microwave or stove. What the hell?


MicroMydea 3:

Parallel parking is a pain in the ass. Some car companies have tried to make it easier, but they still haven't found a good, cost-effective way. Why don't they just make a car where all four wheels can turn the full 90 degrees. That way, the car could just pull in sideways. Just put a small electric motor on one of the wheels or something. It'd be so easy, even an Asian could park with ease. (No offense Schnoozle, but your people aren't exactly known for their parking skills) Plus, it'd be a lot faster. On top of that, the cars could park closer together so there could be more spots on a street. Awesome.


MicroMydea 4:

How come no one has found a good way to make food alcoholic? I would love to get wasted off a slice of pizza or have a great burger buzz. I realize alcohol is a liquid, but I want someone to find a way to make it in a powder or something that you can add to food. All the fun without the added calories and trips to the bathroom you get from all the drinks. I'll open up the first restaurant to feature alcoholic food. The InEatBriated Cafe. All the Drunk with none of the Drink.

Cheers!

The Last Thing A Bug Sees....

So the joke goes like this...

What's the last thing a bug sees before it hits your windshield?

It's ass.

I think this might have a bit of a chicken and egg story. Some of you may remember this famous Porsche Poster that I am pretty sure is from 1996.

Great car and a great ad. But, which came first? Was it the joke that inspired the ad, or was it the ad that inspired the joke. Or, did those crazy Germans just come up with it? Let's face it, Germans aren't exactly known for their sense of humor, so I'm guessing the joke was around before the ad.

Anyway, bugs on windshields are what led me to today's Mydea.

Here's the usual scenario. You're out driving and a bug (or several bugs) hits your windshield as shown in the lovely image above. Bam! There it is in the middle of your field of vision. Even though years of experience should have taught you better, you pull back the wiper arm in an attempts to wash it off the window. You cross your fingers hoping that this time will be different, but...Nope. Sure enough, it smears bug guts all over the windshield in a perfect arc and is way worse than the single spot of bug guts was. For anyone that shares my obsessive compulsive disorder for a clean windshield, this is absolute torture.

Well, as I'm sure you have guessed, I've solved the problem.

Windshield Scripers: Windshield wipers that have a built in scrubby sponge to effectively clean off any bugs or other nastiness from the windshield. It's kind of like my other half and half ideas, since it's half wiperand half scrubby sponge. This one's a little more serious. See diagram and explanation below. (Click on picture for larger view.)

It functions as a normal wiper when set to intermittent, low or high. But, when you pull back the lever to "wash", the arm pivots at the pivot point shown in the diagram to put the green scrubby sponge side against the window while the wiper fluid is dispensed. The scrubby sponge along with the wiper fluid quickly powers through any stuck on bug guts, then it pivots back to the normal wiper blade part to do the final "squeegee" wipe, leaving the windshield clean and dry. The scrubby sponge part would snap on to the wiper arm so that it can be replaced independent of the rest of the wiper assembly. Plus, since the scrubby part is doing all of the major scraping of baked on goop, the wipers would last much longer anyway. See how I'm always thinking about saving money? After a few months, the scrubby part would be full of bug guts and other grime, so you can just replace it.

Genius? Just so so? Stupid? Let me know what you think.


P.S. Consider this copyrighted, tradmarked, or whatever else I have to do to make sure I can get credit if anyone steals this idea. Any of my readers patent attorneys?

Must "Half" Mydeas...

So as I mentioned yesterday, I have a couple of half and half Mydeas of my own. I thought of all sorts of things that are typically separate but might work better together. Hardwood carpets, windshield wipers with built in ice scrapers, hot dog shaped hamburgers. (I thought that would be more appetizing than a hamburger shaped hot dog, even I'm grossed out by the thought of that. Plus, there'd be no more need to make two different shapes of buns which means you are more likely to have a matching number of buns and burgers/dogs) I also thought about laptops with built in projectors and a whole bunch of other things. I settled on two for today.

Here goes:

Ketchard: (catch-erd, accent on the catch) Half Ketchup, Half Mustard. Think of it as the Goober Grape of picnic condiments. This would be a perfectly balanced blend of ketchup and mustard (a little heavier on the ketchup of course) in one convenient container. It would come out in a similar way as toothpaste, in that the two would be distinguishably separate, but next to each other. (As shown in the image above) This saves space in the fridge or the picnic basket, which means...more room for beer...which takes us to the next "half and half" mydea.

The Phonepener A3D: (phone-pen-er) Half Mobile Phone, Half Bottle Opener. Let's say you're at a picnic and you grab a burger off the grill, add a little Ketchard, take a bite...it's delicious. Now you need something cold to wash that down. You grab a Corona, or a Heineken and after mutilating your hand, you remember that it's not a twist off. No problem, just grab a bottle opener. Ohhhhhhh...you don't have a bottle opener? Well, I bet you have your phone. Everyone these days always has their phone. Look into any car you drive next to...one hand on the wheel, one hand on the phone. It's pretty much become an appendage for most people. The Phonepener makes perfect sense to me. With the Phonepener you can crack open that cold one anywhere and enjoy. Whether you're at a picnic, a party, out on the boat or the golf course, there's no barrier between you and your beer.

But JewBoy, Why is it called the A3D? Ah Ha! I'm glad you asked.

With the integrated bottle opener, the phone is able to keep track of how many beers it has opened. It's sophisticated internal software knows who has opened the beer (finger print identification) and can calculate the approximate tolerance of the person (Calculates BMI from their fat, sweaty hand). This is where the A3D steps in. Automatic Drunk Dial Disabler. That's right, the phone will know if you've had too much to drink and automatically disable the ability to make any late night phone calls or send text messages. This effectively eliminates that hungover morning of embarassment. So drink all you want, you don't have to worry about explaining to your clingy psycho ex-girlfriend/boyfriend the next morning why you called them at 3am and begged them to take you back.

Small And Sticky...

So, it's warmed up. Tonight is a balmy -11.7. There's lots of things you can do to stay warm, turn up the heat, maybe a little sexual wintercourse, layer up those clothes, or cuddle up under a blanket. We all know what type of material makes the warmest clothes and blankets?...wool of course. But what's the problem with wool? (I'll give you a hint---male genitalia and cold water) That's right, as you can see above, wool also suffers from shrinkage. One day, when I was a kid, my mom and I had a discussion about wool and sheep. We came to the conclusion that this problem could be solved. How?...you ask? Easy, pre-shrink the sheep. I mean really, just resolve the problem at the source. We get wool from sheep, then make the clothes from the wool, then the clothes shrink. If you were to shrink the sheep, the clothes wouldn't be able to. Makes perfect sense to me.

See the picture below:

As you can see, the sheep at the top is a normal untreated sheep. The lower sheep however, has been pre-shrunk. The sheep is submerged in soapy water, rinsed, then dried with a couple of hair dryers. Ta Da!!! Pre-Shrunk Sheep.


The next Mydea comes as a response to a couple of things. Apparently, I remind one of my co-workers of Michael Keaton's character in "Nightshift". He was always thinking up crazy ideas and recording them...For example, Mix the mayo with the tuna before you put it in the can...Brilliant stuff like that. It's a lot like what I do with with this blog. So as he was telling me the story today, I happened to be looking out the window at the cars in the snow covered parking lot. Then I looked at my shoes and was reminded of how I nearly slipped and killed myself about 4 times this morning. Then it came to me....

ShooZaks, by Bridgeston Murphy: Dress shoes (By Johnston Murphy) with snow tire tread (Bridgestone Blizzaks) on the bottom.

I happen to have Bridgestone Blizzaks on one of my cars and I can say first hand, they are like glue on ice and snow. Put that on the bottom of a shoe and slips and falls would be almost non-existant. So who's gonna make the first bid for Mydea? Bridgestone, Johnston Murphy, Health insurance companies...I'm open to anything.

So there it is...Something small and something sticky. What did you think I was gonna write about?

Heiny Helpers...

I know there's been a lot of Mydeas lately, but I'm not about to stop this speeding idea train. So, here's a couple more.


It's a beautiful hot summer day and you're outside at the beach or park or something. You grab a beer, crack it open take a sip, Ahhhhhhh. Then you put it down, do something for a minute, pick it back up for a sip and......yuck, it's warm. Yeah, it doesn't take long for that delicious ice cold beer to turn into warm flat swag. Well, this seems like a natural match made in heaven. The CoolCan.



There's people that have tried this before and over-engineered the hell out of it. Developing new designs with toxic refrigerants and conductive materials, blah. The technology is already out there. It's just that no one has put it all together yet..until I came along. It would be a standard beer can but with a "false bottom". You'd twist the false bottom and it would mix the two chemicals used in instant ice packs. It gets cold instantly and stays cold for up to 30 minutes (for the nursers out there). No more dragging coolers. No more buying ice. No more wasted space in the fridge keeping the beer cold. It's win win. So go ahead, grab yourself a warm one.



Now, to tag along onto last night's idea. We have the toots under control, but what about a different type of undergarment inconvenience..."Creep Up". This is especially common to boxer shorts. You sit down, you slide forward a little, then you stand up. Your pants adjust but your underwear stays halfway up your ass. Then you're forced to try to pull your underwear down without looking like your giving the old undercarriage a little "how's your daddy?". Well, I've come up with a solution.

JockSnaps: Boxer shorts with small button holes or metal snaps sewn as shown in the diagram below to prevent the dreaded Creep up...also known as a wedgie.




All that would be required is a simple alteration to any pair of pants. Put a small button or snap on the inside of the pants right on the seam. It would be totally invisible and line up with the button hole on the boxers. As you stand up, a gentle tug on your thighs realigns both the pants and the boxers. JockSnaps and FlatuScents would of course be compatible to create a truly winning combination. Pass the gas and keep the undies out of your ass.

Better Out Than In...

Well, it's time for another installment of Mydeas. This is one that I've had for a while. We've all been in the situation, digestion is running its natural course and without a doubt, that nasty by-product of stinky air shows up. Burps are easy enough to disguise, but toots? Ahhh, that's not so easy. Or is it? Sure, there's times when you gan get away with it with a simple crap-dusting, but if it's a quiet setting and there's people around, you'll need an insurance policy. Well, here it is:

FlatuScents- A combination of custom designed underwear with insertable sound muffling and odor absorbing/air freshening inserts. They come in all popular shapes, sizes and scents. See the diagram below.




Standard briefs? No problem The FlatuScent-TW (Tighty-Whitey) is for you. Scented inserts available in "Classic Talc" or "Old Spice".






A boxer man? FlatuScents-BX are the perfect choice. Inserts are slightly wider to account for the increased "freedom" that boxers provide. Scents available: "Adrenaline Blast" and "Polished Steel".



Women? Don't think I forgot about you. With FlatuScents-SP (Standard Panty) for the women who haven't (or shouldn't) make the switch to thongs, go ahead, let that gas pass. Scents available: "Spring Garden" and "Citrus Mist".



Finally, all my ladies rocking the thongs, there's FlatuScents-AF (Ass Floss). With an extra narrow insert and scents like "Delicate Devil" and "Sensual Spice" you can dance dance dance, without worrying what's goin on in your pants.


Some may say, "Whoever smelt it dealt it." But they won't...even if you did.

Don't Stop...The Eating...Hold on to that feeeeeeeeeling...

So my muffin tops have completely exploded from the pan and will need take some serious effort to combat. As if that weren't bad enough, I had to wait 10 god damn minutes for a cardio machine at the gym today. Yes, we have entered Dateuary, the first couple of weeks of the new year where everyone still writes 2008 on everything and made "resolutions" to lose the weight from the two week binge-fest of the holidays. The good news is that it usually only lasts a few weeks and they all go back to their normal lard loving lives. Good. The fatter they stay, the better Mydea will work out.

In case you haven't noticed, food over the years has gotten less and less healthy. Look at the commercials on TV. Theres, the Baconator, 8 slices of bacon, 4 slices of cheese and two burger patties. That of course is always accompanied by a large fries and sugar filled soda...and eventually a Lipitor. Then there's the Outback Steakhouse Aussie cheese fries with ranch dressing appetizer. This pre-meal fat-fest packs over 2,900 calories, and 182 grams of fat. Even if you split it with three friends, you've already consumed an entire dinner's worth of calories before you even start your entree. Oink. As terrible as all this sounds, people are eating it up. (Pun very much intended)

This brings us to Mydea. Where will it stop? Food's getting worse and worse and I'm gonna jump on that sagging axeled band wagon and come up with this...

Popeye's (or KFC's, whoever bids higher for the idea) Extreme Chicken Skinners. That's right, just the best part, the skin. Here's how I envision the commercial-



Announcer: NEW! Extreme Chicken Skinners. That's right, the best part of the chicken now comes as it's own meal. We take the chicken, cut it up, bread it, fry it, then peel off the skin, throw out the meat and bones and pile it high. Dip it in one of our new crazy dippers- Cajun butter sauce, lemon garlic lard sauce, or zesty bacon ranch.

Got EXTREME HUNGER? Make it an EXTREME MEAL! Add a side of our Corn Dog Shells with Mac-N-Cheese dipping sauce, or our gravy smothered, double battered fried American cheese sticks. WOAAAAHHHHH!!!!


Laugh all you want. I know I will....all the way to the bank.

Amothr Onr oF Mydeas...

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, my Schnoozle gave to me...
Four Meatballs,
Three Chicken Wings,
Two Egg Rolls,
and a pizza with Pepperooooooooooni.

So tonight's post will be another one of "Mydeas"...a somewhat practical one. I'm still working on the prototype for "No Toz". If Schnoozle asks you what happened to all of her Dr. Scholls shoe inserts, I don't know anything about it.

As I've mentioned several times before, it gets really cold here. As you can imagine, hands can be very affected by this. Normally, people wear gloves, which is a perfectly logical solution. However, when you wear gloves, much of your dexterity is lost. This becomes particularly inconvenient when trying to use a mobile phone. Most things typed on a mobile phone while wearing gloves end up looking like the title of this post...pretty much incoherent. This brings us to Mydea.

So there are a couple things going on here. Ignore the ugly 1980's glove and focus on the functionality. Picture a plastic, slightly stretchy thimble inside that the thumb snugly slides into. That thimble is attached to a small plastic/rubbery "nub" that passes through to the outside of the glove. By having this as one piece, the user would get tactile feedback when a button is pushed. They'll also have the precision they are used to when typing with that small part of the side of their thumb that is between the nail and skin. It could even help all those people with fat sausage fingers that alwyz Typ mssge tath lkoo lkie tish. Wanna take it one step further? Make the piece out of a conductive material and you can use an iPod too, that's easy. Now you can type away and still keep your fingers nice and toasty. No more holding your glove under your arm while trying to type, which inevitably falls in the snow or on the ground. Hands stay warm, messages are readable. Everyone is a winner.

So let me know what you think....Thumbs up?