"Wear" Did My Childhood Go...

So the other night I was thinking about all the funny things that I (and others) did as a kid. Whether it was eating play-dough...or paste, singing songs, funny rhymes, or insults and their rebuttals, it made me smile. Since it's been a while since I've made any T-shirts, I thought I'd use them as today's medium. I mean if you can't hang on to your youth...might as well wear it. Here's a few of my designs.



Go ahead, call me a name...

That's right my bouncy self makes me impenetrable to your insults...Elmer.




I think we all knew this one...

Hint, stay away from "around the corner".




This one is a little more obscure, you either know the song (and the hand claps or jump rope that go with it) or you don't.

Don't get it? I'll give you a hint, it's kind of like this...

"...She grabbed his dic.....tionary, where there are a bunch of words, the zoo has lots of animals that all make lots of tur...tles in the ocean, eat all of the sea grasses, but when they eat too much of it, it comes out of their as...paragus is a vegetable, it doesn't have a pit, but after you have eaten it, your pee will smell like shi...pments are delivered from the company Fed Ex, so send your girl some flowers and you'll probably have some se...cond hands on watches, they tick and then they tock, the women in the movies like a big and juicy Coc...ktails in the evening are a great way to relax, especially for the men with lots of hair on their ball sa...nta claus is merry, he'll deliver toys to you, but he'll skip right past your house if you're a coupon clipping Je...wBoy wrote this poem and he wrote it all so quick, he didn't even notice Schnoozle when she grabbed his...dic...tionary........."


Still stumped? Really? Fine, click here.

Check You Later...

This is one of my all time favorite stories. My father is an accountant, a CPA technically. I know, imagine that, a Jewish accountant. Anyway, earlier in his career he had one client that owed him payment for his services...approximately $1000. He sent a check to my dad, which my dad then deposited in the bank. The account had insufficient funds and my dad did not receive the payment and was charged a fee. Needless to say, he was pissed. He contacted the client who agreed to send him another check. He received the check, deposited it and guess what, it bounced again and he was charged the fee. He was now very super pissed. He called the guy again about the problem. The guy told him some story about having switched accounts and it was a mistake, blah blah blah...he'd send another check.

The check arrived, but this time my dad had a plan. It just so happened that the check was from the same bank where my dad did his banking. He went to the bank and explained that he had been burned by this guy on checks twice now. Knowing the cashier could not tell him the balance of the account, he asked the if there was sufficient funds to cash the check. A perfectly allowable question. She said no.....but it was "close". So my dad smiled and said, "Ok, I'd like to deposit $50 into the account number on the check"...knowing that cash posts instantly and can't be traced. He then asked the cashier "Is there sufficient funds in the account to cash this check?" The cashier replied "No, but it's really, really close". "Ok" Said my dad, "I'd like to deposit $50 into the account number on the check" The cashier deposited the cash. My dad said, "I'd like to cash this check, are there sufficient funds in the account? The cashier said "Yes there are." and gave him the $1000. So, for $100 cash and about $50 in service fees, a net gain of $850, he got to clean out the guy's account. Victory!

The Mile High Challenge...

So as many of you may know, I travel quite a bit for work. This means I have to fly quite frequently. Over the years I have learned some good tricks. Today I present you with a challenge. According to the diagram below, which of the open white seats is the best choice? (As always, click on the picture for a larger view.) The choices are explained below the picture...no cheating.

Ok, here are the explanations in no particular order...


14B- Yes, the hot girl is tempting, but this is a bad choice. You are next to the lavatory and there is no girl hot enough to put up with the constant foul smells of 49 other passengers.

12D- No no no. Two frat boys to your left, a non English speaking neighbor, plus a screaming kid in front of you will not make for a pleasant trip.

9A, 9D, 10B and 10D- Nope, Talkers and cell phones and frat boys Oh my. Stay away from these choices.

1B- Ahh, this is tempting, but you don't want to be between this guy's infection and the lavatory. Same goes for 2C. Plus, it's in the front which means you have no leg room and you'll be listening to the political debate to your right.

3C- Loud frat boy and diagonal from a screaming kid. No good.

4C- Nope. Next to the sleeper is nice, but the last thing you want is a foreign language screaming kid to your left.

7A and 7D may look good, but these seats are in front of the exit row and don't recline. Not comfortable at all. Plus you'll be waiting forever for the first time travelers in 6A and B to get off the plane.

11B should be an obvious No by now. Screaming kid, foreign neighbor and in front of two frat boys. You'll be praying for a crash.

6D- You don't want to get stuck with a talker and have to listen to the frat boy on his phone. Plus, the hot chick will be able to see you through the seats so you'll be self conscious of the nerdy movies you were planning on watching on your laptop.

Well here we are, there's only one seat left. I know what you're thinking 3C? With the screaming kid and the foreign person? You're crazy JewBoy! Am I? Here's what you less astute travelers may have missed. Notice 2B, 3A and 4A are all foreign and therefore are surely traveling together. (Trust me, they always do) The screaming kid is clearly with them since it wouldn't be traveling alone. So, you take 3C as a seat, then immediately you offer to switch with 2B, so they can sit with the other person in their group and be closer to the "cute" kid. (This can easily be done with gestures to overcome the language barrier.) Mmmmmm Hmmmmm. Look at you now...Next to the hot chick in a sweet 2nd row aisle seat. You won't have to feel awkward about not choosing to move over to 2C since 2D needs constant access to the lavatory. Plus, there's no one in front of you so you don't have to worry about them reclining into your space. Loud frat boy is far enough away and the ridiculous arguing in 1C and 1D will provide a constant supply of topics of discussion for you and the 2A hottie. And, she'll have to squeeze by you when she needs to use the rest room...Perfect.

Cause When You're Smiling...

Perhaps you've heard of the phenomenon of religious images showing up on foods. I call it "Divine Toastervention". The picture above is two classic examples of this. On the left, you can clearly see the face of Jesus and on the right, his lovely mother Mary. I was fortunate enough to have a similar experience this past week in lovely Cincinnati.

This week was a huge success for my co-workers and me. (Even beyond the vending machine experience detailed in A Twist of Fate) All of the software we were installing worked on the first try, it showed all the data we said it would and we got good feedback. Anyone who works with computer software knows this is a very rare event. Needless to say, we were smiling. We went out one evening and were celebrating our success. When our beers arrived, we raised our glasses and "toasted" to our great week. That must have been what did it.

I absolutely promise that this was a naturally occurring smiley face in my beer. I in no way altered the foam at the top of the glass. My two co-workers will vouch for it. I think Louis Armstrong said it best..."When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you." Even your beer.

1:19

If you don't have the five minutes to watch the whole video, just start at 1:19 and listen for about 4 seconds. I'll give you three guesses who is the best...again. It's not even a fair comparison to the other stores. The only competition I've seen in the news lately that was as unequally matched was Israel vs. Hamas. Today's lesson, don't mess with Wegmans, or the Jews.







Thanks to my mom for forwarding me the video. We both share a special kind of love for the big W.

A Twist of Fate...

We've all seen this happen, you walk by a drink vending machine and there is a drink that is stuck. It's such a tease. You think, maybe you can shake it loose? But, you risk someone seeing you and looking like an idiot. Or, maybe you're with a couple of your engineer co-workers at the end of a long day and you use your collective genius to plan a strategy to get the drink out. We had the perfect plan, here's how it all went down... (Watch the video below)





I know, I know. We were crushed too. But...It was late and there was no one around, so I gave it a shake and....

Out Of Blogfice Notice...

This is an automated response. JewBoy is out of town for the next several days and will have limited access to his Blog. While he wishes that he were actually on a tropical island like he is shown in the picture above, he's not. He's working in Cincinnati. Ohio. Neat.

Blogs will resume as his time allows. If you have an urgent blog related matter, please leave a comment below.

Thank you,

JewBoy