A Prize For Your Patience...

Yes, I know, it's been a few days since my last post. I have been pretty busy and just didn't have the time. But, like they say, good things come to those who wait. So, today I am rewarding you with one my my funniest and easily most embarrassing stories. I've been saving it, for the just the right time. I think that time is now. I know people get a real kick out of the misfortune of others. I mean, if they didn't, how have things like America's Funniest Home Videos, Youtube, Stupidvideos.com and the countless other sources of "people getting injured videos" gotten and stayed so popular. So here it is, one of my most embarrassing moments ever, that for some reason, I have decided to make public to you. I have a feeling I will regret this someday.

Here's how it went down:

It was an ordinary day and I was hanging out at home. I was watching TV (Stevie the TV) when I decided I needed to go to the bathroom. It's always a nice change when I get to make the decision...stupid inherited tempermental stomach. So, I went and proceeded with my business. It was one of the few times when I didn't bring my laptop. Yes, I am convinced that wireless internet was created for the sole purpose of allowing people to e-poop. Trust me, anyone with a laptop and wireless internet has done it. I was just about finished when I thought to myself, "I think out of courtesy I will light a candle." It was yet another one of the moments in my life that can only be described as "seeming like a good idea at the time". As I struck the match to light it, the little head of it snapped off...after being lit. I'd say it was with laser accuracy, but let's be honest folks, it's a pretty big target...the flaming head of the match fell right on... Imagine to yourself a bowl full of fruit. Everyone at the table takes one piece of fruit and all that is left is a banana that's end is right against two apples next to each other. Can you picture that? Ok, good. The match head landed exactly in the middle of the "banana". It burned me instantly. I flicked the glowing red head into the toilet and looked down at the damage. Yup, a nice red dot where it burned me. Naturally, I would have loved to pretend that this never happened. But, that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. Why a risk you may ask? Well, as you know, Schnoozle and I are in a very loving relationship. With that kind of relationship comes the benefit of being able to have intimate relations. I think you (man or woman) can imagine the reaction if you (or your partner) came face to face....well, head to head really, with that area and saw a big red dot on it. Yeah, how do you explain that? I had no choice but to immediately tell her what had happened. I promptly exited the bathroom (after all the necessary clean up had been done of course...again, I still don't understand how wet wipes haven't become the global standard...they are wonderful) with my wounded soldier in full view. "Schnoozle!!!.....I burnt myself!!!" I yelled. She turned and saw me and a look of total defeat came over her face. (A look I have only seen one other person make, once before in my life...but that is a story for another day) Yes, this was the man she had chosen to marry...standing in front of her with an exposed and burnt member. I was hoping for at least a little sympathy, but asking for her to "kiss it to make it better" clearly wasn't the way to get it. Head down and shaking slowly side to side, she just turned, walked away and mumbled something about "achieving a whole new level of retardation".


So was it worth the wait?