Friday, July 31, 2009

More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 1 of 2...

I spend a lot of time thinking. When I'm driving, when I'm at the airport, when I'm at a party, when I'm shopping...the gears are always churning with crazy thoughts and ideas. I've started collecting these thoughts. Anytime I have one that I think is good, I add it to the little list I've created on my phone. Now that I have a few of these together, I thought they'd make for a good blogging.

Here goes:

For the guys out there. How many times have you gone to a party, gotten a drink, put it down, turned around for a minute and when you came back, there were several identical glasses/cups on the table. Here's my suggestion. Look for one that has lipstick on it...and take that one. Why you may ask? Basically, if you're gonna swap spit with anyone at the party, it might as well be a girl. I mean honestly fellas, if you're at a party and had a few drinks, there's probably very few girls you wouldn't make out with anyway.

Next, for those of you that don't travel much...or even those of you that do, here's a little airport advice. Anytime you are going to fly, make sure you wear shoes with socks. All airports require that you remove your shoes while going through the security checkpoint. Do you really want your bare piggies touching the nasty, never- cleaned floor, where all those other people's bare piggies have been? I know I don't. It's almost as bad as the guys at the gym that use the locker room urinals and stalls barefoot. I really hope none of them travel.

Speaking of wardrobe suggestions, here's another. Like many people, I often wear a red shirt with khaki shorts or pants. It's a perfectly normal outfit. However, it's a huge mistake if you plan on shopping at a Target. As you may know, red and khaki is the official "uniform" of Target employees...and one of the few company uniforms that could also be a normal outfit. On two separate occasions now, I have gone to Target accidentally wearing this color combination. Both times I have been stopped by no less than three shoppers that asked me where certain items were located. (Now, had it been a Wegmans, obviously, I would have known. But, Targets are big stores with lots of items...and more importantly, I don't work there.) So...then I have this awkward moment where I have to tell the person I don't work there...which is then returned with one of the two following looks. 1. They look at me like I am lying to them because I am too lazy to help them, or don't know the answer. Or, 2. They look at me like "Well then while the hell are you wearing a Target uniform....idiot." I'm gonna just start telling people random aisle numbers.

And for my final thought... When you cross a one way street, do you still have to look both ways?

Stay tuned for part 2...

Monday, July 6, 2009

"Checkout" The Savings...

And I'm back. I know, I know, it's been a long time...and for that I apologize. I've been pretty busy but will try to get back into it. One post a week is the current goal. So here we go, this one's packed with valuable info so read carefully....

So now that all of you are fluent in Jewbonics, it's time for your next lesson. Shopping...and the way of the Jew. Some of you may be familiar with a common stereotype about Jews being cheap. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not that we're cheap, we buy plenty of nice stuff. Drive by a temple on a saturday morning, there's no shortage of luxury cars. (American, Japanese, and Italian luxury cars of course, on account of the fact that the "Nazi bastards" make the rest of them) It's clear that we're not cheap, we're just better at shopping. Whether it's hunting down a good sale, maybe doing a little "negotiating" or of course, using the occasional coupon, (or as a few of my less culturally sensitive friends call them, "Jewpons") we usually end up getting a good deal.

Most sons and daughters have games that they play with their fathers. It could be playing catch, chess, basketball, whatever. My father and I had a bit of a different game. We would have receipt battles. Essentially, the competition was based on who could save the most money on a shopping trip to the grocery store. Now you may be thinking, "JewBoy, that's not fair, you worked at Wegmans (Greatest grocery store ever) and clearly had an advantage with your superior grocery store knowledge." While that is true, my father is a Certified Public Account and therefore, a very worthy adversary.

A typical phone call would go like this:


JewBoy: "Hello.."

Dad: "OK, are you ready?"

JewBoy: "I'm ready, let's hear it..."

Dad: "Grand total- Fifty six dollars and forty eight cents"

JewBoy: "Ok...and?"

Dad: "After coupons and Shoppers Club (or whatever the in store sale program was)....wait for it... Thirty one dollars and twenty two cents. A total savings of twenty five dollars and twenty six cents."

JewBoy: "Well done!"

I would then read off my recent shopping trip and we would see who had saved the most. Naturally, we converted the savings to a percentage to keep the competition fair.

So by now I know you are all thinking "JewBoy, that's incredible! How can I too, learn the way of the Jew when it comes to shopping?"

Well today is your lucky day, I'm going to let you in on a couple of secrets.

All you have to do is follow these four rules...

1. Read the price tags carefully, especially on the endcaps of the aisles. Large signs that say "WOW" don't mean the product is on sale. They're usually just the original price on a big fancy savings there. Skip those and go to the regular part of the aisle where the product is. There is almost always a different size or brand that is on sale.

2. Now that you've found an item with an actual sale tag, look to see what the sale is. Sure, 2/$3.00 may seem like a great deal, but not if the product is usually priced at $1.59. Wow, a whopping $.18 savings if you buy two...don't waste your time.

3. Spend the $1.00 for the Sunday paper...but only after you've checked it to make sure that there are at least two coupon sections. Every once in a while they don't put them in, so essentialy you'd be starting off at a $1.00 loss. Cut out the coupons for the stuff you normally buy, but may not necessarily need right now. Cereal, paper products and toiletries are best. Next time you go to the store, see if any of the items are on sale. If they are on sale, buy them. If not, hang on to the coupon till next time, sales typically rotate every week or so. There's a chance it will be on sale next time. I call this the "double dip". Not only are you getting the good sale price, but you get the coupon savings too. This is a killer strategy for receipt battles.

4. This one is the "Ancient Chinese Secret" of "the way of the shopping Jew"...and probably the most valuable. Grocery stores will often run "Buy One Get One Free" sales, or BOGO as they call it in the grocery world. While this is a good deal on its own, there is an even better strategy. Use a coupon in conjunction with the BOGO. But here is the super secret. Most people think they are buying one and getting one free. True, but...technically you are buying two and getting a discount equal to the value of the second product. So, you can use TWO coupons! AHA! Here's an example. Cereal is Buy one box for $3.59 and get one free. A good deal. But, you clipped the coupons for "Save $1.00 on any box of cereal". You have purchased two boxes, so you can use two coupons. That's $1.59 for two boxes of cereal! (And more importantly, a savings of $5.59, which will help ensure a receipt battle victory.)

For those that doubt my abilities, here's a copy of my receipt from a picnic we had last weekend. Click on the image to see all the glorious details of my savings....and I didn't even use any coupons!

I only paid $24.39 for an order worth $51.88. That's right, a grand total savings of $27.49. That's 53% off! Just think, if everyone could "save" like that, Jesus might get a day off.