Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I Spy With My Little Eye....

For those of you who watch Comedy Central, you may have seen a pretty funny bit recently on the Colbert Report about Sarah Palin actually being a Russian Spy. The evidence was was pretty compelling.

That made me think about spies. While you may think that spies are only in the movies to the likes of James Bond, I'm here to tell you they are real. I urge these dangerous and sensitive times, be aware of your surroundings....recognize when things just don't seem right.

Here's a perfect example of an advertisement I received in the mail yesterday from the local JCC. (Jewish Community Center for those of you that aren't members of the tribe and familiar with this organization) I think the picture speaks for itself...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

When Dreams Come True...

Everyone has dreams. From the our adolescent years till our final days....we're always dreaming of something. However, often times, dreams don't exactly work out quite as we had hoped. I thought I'd take this opportunity to "illustrate" a couple of my dreams....and how they've turned out.

When I was little, bedtime was the worst thing ever. I did everything I could to avoid going to bed. I'd sneak out of my bed, I'd need a glass of water, I'd have to go to the bathroom...whatever I could think of. Having no bedtime is the dream of many kids. I don't know exactly what they are expecting, but it usually goes a little like this....

The Dream....No Bedtime!!!

The Reality....

P.S. It's a couch. I'm not an with it.

On to the next one, the fancy car. Every teenager, even some adults dream of owning and driving a fancy/luxury/sports car. Here's how that dream pans out...

The Dream...

And....the reality.

So to everyone out there, don't be discouraged, follow your dreams. Just grab a cup of coffee on the way and don't forget your wallet.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Little Miss Quoted...

There's a lot of famous quotes out there. Some are inspirational, some are funny and some are sad. I thought I'd take this opportunity to share a few lesser known quotes from some well known people.

Whispering to his friend upon first sight of Rihanna- "I'd hit that" -Chris Brown

After seeing the "leaked" photo he allegedly sent- "Aren't things supposed to look bigger on camera?" -Brett Favre

Responding to his accident and behavior- "I plan to work on my driving, I've been focusing too much on my putz" -Tiger Woods

"Oh man, does anyone else feel really ill all of a sudden" -hundreds of birds in Arkansas

During his first appearance as a judge on Iron Chef, with chicken as the secret ingredient- "This tastes just like ear". -Mike Tyson

And my favorite of all time....

At Intern orientation at the white house- "I was thinking we could try a little political role play......I'll be Fidel Castro, and you can be the Humidor." -Bill Clinton

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Longest Mile...

I'm back. Took a little break cause we had lots going on, but I'm going to try to get back on this more regularly. Gonna try a few different things too....some different writing styles, maybe some poetry, alternate music lyrics, basically anything I feel like doing. After all, it's my blog, so I'll do what ever the hell I want.

Tonight is going to be an open opinion letter to the airlines....specifically their reward programs.

Dear Airlines,

Your reward programs are a steamy pile of loose bowel movement. For those of you not familiar with these programs, here's the basics. You sign up and get credit for every mile flown. Typically when you reach 25,000 miles, or 25 flights, you get elite status, 50,000 or 50 flights, you get premium elite and 75,000 or 75 flights and you are ultra premium. It varies by airline, but for most of the major ones, that's close enough. Sounds great right? No, not at all. There are so many tragic flaws in this that I could write for days. But, I'll keep it brief and then explain how I have come up with a far superior method.

Here's the problem:

Person A buys a super saver discount ticket for about $225 and flies to Miami from Seattle 4 times in a year. The 4 trips are on time and everything is good. Congratulations, you've flown over 25,000 miles and you've earned elite status...and enough miles for a free ticket that could very well be valued at over $500. was done in a total of about 36 hours of travel time and cost you a whopping $900 to do it. For the remainder of that year AND the entire next year, you get to board early, don't have to pay for checked bags and enjoy a variety of other benefits.

Person B flies from NYC to Boston, Toronto or Detroit almost every week for business. They take a total 48 flights and receive 24,000 miles ( less than 500 mile flights are rounded up to generous) and still don't have enough miles for one free ticket. In addition, shorter business flights like that are usually very the $400-$1000 range. So, person B spent well over 150 hours traveling, encountered countless delays (US Customs being one of them) spent well over $15,000 on tickets and has the exact same level of "Eliteness" as Person A.

That, my friends, is horse shit. Wet, hay-filled, stinky, splattered all over the pavement, horse shit.

So, as usual, I've solved the problem. Frequent flier miles aren't a reward for loyalty to an airline....which is what these programs claim to be. Now, Travel Minutes (TMs) .....that's a reward for loyalty.

Here's the program:

You get one point for every minute you spend "traveling". So, if your flight is scheduled to take off at 2:00pm, and land at 4:30pm, (150 minutes of flight time) you can expect 150 TMs. If you are delayed one hour from your expected 2:00pm departure and land at 5:30pm, you can expect 210 TMs. (150 scheduled +60 min delay = 210 TMs) Makes sense right? You get rewarded for flying the same airline, but more importantly, you are rewarded more as the level of inconvenience increases...and it will, trust me. After you've reached 2500 TMs, (which is about the equivalent of 25 short to mid length flights) you're elite and now receive 2 TMs per minute spent traveling, 5000 TMs = premium elite and 3 TMs per minute, and Ultra elite = 7500 Tms and 5 TMs per minute. It's the perfect way to reward our most loyal and most inconvenienced passengers fairly.

I really should just be in charge of everything.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Say Cheese!

So for all of you that thought I was crazy with my Breast Idea Yet, it could be worse. While I wanted to make a commercially available breast milk product for babies, this guy decided to do this....

While they may joke about a Ben and Jerry's flavor ice cream. I had a similar idea. I think frozen breast milk Popsicles could be great...especially for teething babies. Cha Ching $$$$

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hold it. now....Hold it now...

Got a quick one for you today, just a bit of Wisdumb. If you are ever faced with some sort of task that you have to complete and need to complete it fast, do it when you have to pee really badly. You will be amazed at how fast you can get it done. Don't believe me? Go ahead, try it. Drink about 4 glasses of water. Wait about 2 hours. Now, when you feel like you're about to burst, go sort the laundry and start the washer. I guarantee you'll do it faster than you ever have before. And....if don't make it....just throw your pants in with it.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

NO FATTY CHICKS!! (or Fat Dudes)

I had the pleasure of visiting Winnipeg, Canada on Wednesday night for a work meeting. For those of you that aren't familiar with Canadian geography, (In other words...pretty much everyone that lives in the US) Winnipeg is about 200 miles north of Fargo, North Dakota. (Yes, that same frozen tundra Fargo featured in the movie Fargo.) Right here to be exact. I stayed in the historic, Fort Garry hotel. It's a very old, beautifully restored hotel. Apparently it used to be a very popular railway hotel. One thing was for sure, the rooms were designed prior to the invention of fast food restaurants and current unhealthy lifestyle of many americans. See the video for details..

Luckily for me, even though I currently suffer from a mild case of Muffin Topitis, (medical term for one suffering from the existence of muffin tops) I was able to squeeze in sideways. However, just about anyone that you might see shopping at Wal-Mart or eating at Old Country Buffet wouldn't be so lucky. Perhaps the hotel offers sponges and buckets to meet the needs of these overly insulated guests?...Maybe there is a large room with a fire hose somewhere? I'm glad I didn't have to ask.