Thursday, February 26, 2009

"Wear" Did My Childhood Go...

So the other night I was thinking about all the funny things that I (and others) did as a kid. Whether it was eating play-dough...or paste, singing songs, funny rhymes, or insults and their rebuttals, it made me smile. Since it's been a while since I've made any T-shirts, I thought I'd use them as today's medium. I mean if you can't hang on to your youth...might as well wear it. Here's a few of my designs.

Go ahead, call me a name...

That's right my bouncy self makes me impenetrable to your insults...Elmer.

I think we all knew this one...

Hint, stay away from "around the corner".

This one is a little more obscure, you either know the song (and the hand claps or jump rope that go with it) or you don't.

Don't get it? I'll give you a hint, it's kind of like this...

"...She grabbed his dic.....tionary, where there are a bunch of words, the zoo has lots of animals that all make lots of tur...tles in the ocean, eat all of the sea grasses, but when they eat too much of it, it comes out of their as...paragus is a vegetable, it doesn't have a pit, but after you have eaten it, your pee will smell like shi...pments are delivered from the company Fed Ex, so send your girl some flowers and you'll probably have some se...cond hands on watches, they tick and then they tock, the women in the movies like a big and juicy Coc...ktails in the evening are a great way to relax, especially for the men with lots of hair on their ball sa...nta claus is merry, he'll deliver toys to you, but he'll skip right past your house if you're a coupon clipping Je...wBoy wrote this poem and he wrote it all so quick, he didn't even notice Schnoozle when she grabbed his...dic...tionary........."

Still stumped? Really? Fine, click here.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Check You Later...

This is one of my all time favorite stories. My father is an accountant, a CPA technically. I know, imagine that, a Jewish accountant. Anyway, earlier in his career he had one client that owed him payment for his services...approximately $1000. He sent a check to my dad, which my dad then deposited in the bank. The account had insufficient funds and my dad did not receive the payment and was charged a fee. Needless to say, he was pissed. He contacted the client who agreed to send him another check. He received the check, deposited it and guess what, it bounced again and he was charged the fee. He was now very super pissed. He called the guy again about the problem. The guy told him some story about having switched accounts and it was a mistake, blah blah blah...he'd send another check.

The check arrived, but this time my dad had a plan. It just so happened that the check was from the same bank where my dad did his banking. He went to the bank and explained that he had been burned by this guy on checks twice now. Knowing the cashier could not tell him the balance of the account, he asked the if there was sufficient funds to cash the check. A perfectly allowable question. She said no.....but it was "close". So my dad smiled and said, "Ok, I'd like to deposit $50 into the account number on the check"...knowing that cash posts instantly and can't be traced. He then asked the cashier "Is there sufficient funds in the account to cash this check?" The cashier replied "No, but it's really, really close". "Ok" Said my dad, "I'd like to deposit $50 into the account number on the check" The cashier deposited the cash. My dad said, "I'd like to cash this check, are there sufficient funds in the account? The cashier said "Yes there are." and gave him the $1000. So, for $100 cash and about $50 in service fees, a net gain of $850, he got to clean out the guy's account. Victory!

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Mile High Challenge...

So as many of you may know, I travel quite a bit for work. This means I have to fly quite frequently. Over the years I have learned some good tricks. Today I present you with a challenge. According to the diagram below, which of the open white seats is the best choice? (As always, click on the picture for a larger view.) The choices are explained below the cheating.

Ok, here are the explanations in no particular order...

14B- Yes, the hot girl is tempting, but this is a bad choice. You are next to the lavatory and there is no girl hot enough to put up with the constant foul smells of 49 other passengers.

12D- No no no. Two frat boys to your left, a non English speaking neighbor, plus a screaming kid in front of you will not make for a pleasant trip.

9A, 9D, 10B and 10D- Nope, Talkers and cell phones and frat boys Oh my. Stay away from these choices.

1B- Ahh, this is tempting, but you don't want to be between this guy's infection and the lavatory. Same goes for 2C. Plus, it's in the front which means you have no leg room and you'll be listening to the political debate to your right.

3C- Loud frat boy and diagonal from a screaming kid. No good.

4C- Nope. Next to the sleeper is nice, but the last thing you want is a foreign language screaming kid to your left.

7A and 7D may look good, but these seats are in front of the exit row and don't recline. Not comfortable at all. Plus you'll be waiting forever for the first time travelers in 6A and B to get off the plane.

11B should be an obvious No by now. Screaming kid, foreign neighbor and in front of two frat boys. You'll be praying for a crash.

6D- You don't want to get stuck with a talker and have to listen to the frat boy on his phone. Plus, the hot chick will be able to see you through the seats so you'll be self conscious of the nerdy movies you were planning on watching on your laptop.

Well here we are, there's only one seat left. I know what you're thinking 3C? With the screaming kid and the foreign person? You're crazy JewBoy! Am I? Here's what you less astute travelers may have missed. Notice 2B, 3A and 4A are all foreign and therefore are surely traveling together. (Trust me, they always do) The screaming kid is clearly with them since it wouldn't be traveling alone. So, you take 3C as a seat, then immediately you offer to switch with 2B, so they can sit with the other person in their group and be closer to the "cute" kid. (This can easily be done with gestures to overcome the language barrier.) Mmmmmm Hmmmmm. Look at you now...Next to the hot chick in a sweet 2nd row aisle seat. You won't have to feel awkward about not choosing to move over to 2C since 2D needs constant access to the lavatory. Plus, there's no one in front of you so you don't have to worry about them reclining into your space. Loud frat boy is far enough away and the ridiculous arguing in 1C and 1D will provide a constant supply of topics of discussion for you and the 2A hottie. And, she'll have to squeeze by you when she needs to use the rest room...Perfect.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Cause When You're Smiling...

Perhaps you've heard of the phenomenon of religious images showing up on foods. I call it "Divine Toastervention". The picture above is two classic examples of this. On the left, you can clearly see the face of Jesus and on the right, his lovely mother Mary. I was fortunate enough to have a similar experience this past week in lovely Cincinnati.

This week was a huge success for my co-workers and me. (Even beyond the vending machine experience detailed in A Twist of Fate) All of the software we were installing worked on the first try, it showed all the data we said it would and we got good feedback. Anyone who works with computer software knows this is a very rare event. Needless to say, we were smiling. We went out one evening and were celebrating our success. When our beers arrived, we raised our glasses and "toasted" to our great week. That must have been what did it.

I absolutely promise that this was a naturally occurring smiley face in my beer. I in no way altered the foam at the top of the glass. My two co-workers will vouch for it. I think Louis Armstrong said it best..."When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you." Even your beer.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


If you don't have the five minutes to watch the whole video, just start at 1:19 and listen for about 4 seconds. I'll give you three guesses who is the best...again. It's not even a fair comparison to the other stores. The only competition I've seen in the news lately that was as unequally matched was Israel vs. Hamas. Today's lesson, don't mess with Wegmans, or the Jews.

Thanks to my mom for forwarding me the video. We both share a special kind of love for the big W.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Twist of Fate...

We've all seen this happen, you walk by a drink vending machine and there is a drink that is stuck. It's such a tease. You think, maybe you can shake it loose? But, you risk someone seeing you and looking like an idiot. Or, maybe you're with a couple of your engineer co-workers at the end of a long day and you use your collective genius to plan a strategy to get the drink out. We had the perfect plan, here's how it all went down... (Watch the video below)

I know, I know. We were crushed too. But...It was late and there was no one around, so I gave it a shake and....

Monday, February 16, 2009

Out Of Blogfice Notice...

This is an automated response. JewBoy is out of town for the next several days and will have limited access to his Blog. While he wishes that he were actually on a tropical island like he is shown in the picture above, he's not. He's working in Cincinnati. Ohio. Neat.

Blogs will resume as his time allows. If you have an urgent blog related matter, please leave a comment below.

Thank you,


Saturday, February 14, 2009

What's All The Buzz About?

Happy Valentine's Day! I've been waiting for several weeks to tell the story of one of my most memorable Valentine's Days.

It happened when I was teaching high school math in California. It was a normal day in my Advanced Algebra class. Then, about 30 minutes into the class, Angie, one of my most dramatic female students had an issue. Her purse started buzzing. Now, let's back up a real quick. For the most part, I was a pretty easy going teacher. But, I had one very, very strict rule- NO CELL PHONES DURING CLASS! I made this very clear and the students knew better. It was not only due to my complete hatred of cell phones and the horrible behavior that they have created, but also because of the distraction they cause. So back to Angie... Her purse started buzzing...loudly. She leaned over towards her purse and I snapped at her. "You know the rule, NO PHONES". Apparently, Angie was under the impression that she could "out wise ass" Mr. JewBoy. Well, that's a challenge few people are brave enough to take and even fewer are successful with. She responded with, "Just cause it's vibrating doesn't mean it's a phone". Yup, that was her witty retort. I didn't know what to say. I just stood there in awe wondering if she had any idea what the hell she just said in front of a class full of 11th graders. (and almost half of that class was made up of horny boys) I waited a second, realized it was probably not in my best interest to respond, took a step back and I said... "Wow, anyone wanna take this for me?" About six of the guys all started in at once, "Gotta keep it in your purse?" "You that hard up for it" "Can't get a real guy" and so on. I let it go for about a minute or so, figuring if they said it, I'd be off the hook, then cut them off and continued class.

Since it was a holiday, I decided to wrap up class a few minutes early. I told the kids they could just hang out for the remaining time and that's when the temptation got the best of me. I asked if anyone had any exciting plans for the night...besides Angie and her purse. The class went nuts and somehow, I wasn't fired. Unbelievable.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Blogetry in Motion...

Those of you that know me, know that I am a self proclaimed pizza snob. I am always on the search for the perfect slice. I even attended the International pizza expo in Las Vegas a few years ago. I think it's safe to say that I am a very dedicated pizza lover. Well, tonight we tried a new pizza place and it happened to be pretty good, especially for mid-west pizza which can be absolutely terrible. It was the inspiration for this post about pizza. Here goes:

We'll start with a little background. In my opinion, there are two basic types of pizza out there. There's New York style which is thin, a little crispy on the bottom and slightly floppy at the end when you hold it by the crust and Chicago style which is a thick, deep buttery crispy crust. Chicago usually has more sauce, more cheese and in some cases, the sauce is on top of the cheese. Chicago pizza is not my thing, I'm a New York style pizza kind of guy. Here's a list of what makes up the perfect slice.

  • The first bite of the first slice should burn the little part of the roof of your mouth right behind your top two front teeth. This means the pizza is fresh out of the oven and has not been sitting around and reheated. The little piece of skin that dangles down for the next two days is a small price to pay for pizza perfection.
  • There should be just enough sauce to very lightly cover the dough. Large globs of sauce should never spill out from the slice when taking a bite, that means there is too much.
  • The sauce mixed with the cheese should give the area where the cheese meets the crust a nice orangey color. If it's a darker red, it's no good. Any place that uses the same sauce on their pizza as they do on their pasta should be shut down for pizza abuse.
  • When holding a fresh slice the proper way, (with the thumb and middle finger below the crust and pointer finger above, bending the crust slightly) the bottom of the crust should stay flat until about 1-2 inches from the end where it should start to dip. If it dips earlier (or not at all), it's too crunchy, later, too soggy.
  • Barbeque chicken, artichoke-sundried tomato-balsamic goat cheese, Buffalo Chicken, Thai peanut-sprout-zucchini, are not pizzas, they are flatbreads. I enjoy some of them, but don't consider them to truly be pizzas. Pepperoni, sausage, peppers, olives and onions are more traditional toppings. I however, consider myself a purist and almost always go with just pepperoni.
  • Finally, pizza slices are triangles, not squares! Square slices are total bullshit and should be banned worldwide. I freakin hate that. There's no crust to hold, it gets it all over your hands and you always end up with those stupid little corner triangle pieces that are almost all crust. Pahhhh-tooey!

Now for the artistic component of this post. Pizza inspires me so much, that it brings out the very, very hidden sensitive artistic side in me. In honor of pizza I have written the following poem. While at first you may think it's a little on the "simplistic side", take a closer look. Yup, it's written in perfect Iambic Pentameter.

This poem's about the best food you can eat
The taste of it is one you cannot beat.

With cheese and sauce and toppings you can choose
"We're having pizza" is my fav' rite news.

That pepperoni on a mound of cheese
Just give another slice to JewBoy please.

A crust that's crisp then soft is where it's at
I don't want one that is too thin or fat

In summary, I'll tell you how I feel
I'd love to have pizza for ev'ry meal

You may be asking yourself why this type of poetic meter sounds familiar? Well, that's because it's what Shakespeare used in his plays and sonnets. You weren't expecting that level of sophistication from this blog were you?

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Eat Your Vegetables...

Everyone has been told their whole life to eat their vegetables. As I mentioned in a previous post, I was (and still kind of am) a terrible eater. Especially when it came to vegetables, they are definitely not my favorite food. Well, in a soon to be not unrelated story, my company has launched a new internal portal/website. It's meant to be a central point for all employees to get information and interact with each other. One of the fun features of the site is a section that takes a poll. It may ask for your favorite movie, time of day, season, etc. Well, I had a problem with yesterday's poll. Here's what it was: (Click on picture to see it larger)

Yeah, someone at my company decided that "salad" is a vegetable. It was approved as a choice and posted to every employee worldwide. I just shook my head, made my selection of "corn" and submitted my vote to see what would happen. That's when I encountered this:

I think a better title for this screen would have been "Congratulations on not being one of 23% of the company that thinks salad is a vegetable. You may come back to work tomorrow." In these financially difficult times, with layoffs being so prevalent, I think this could be a great way for a company to conduct their reduction in force. Anyone who chose salad would have been greeted with a screen saying: "You thought salad was a vegetable...well, it's not. Thank you for your years of service, we wish you the best. Security will escort you out."

Naturally I couldn't resist the urge, so I posted this in the forums section. (Click for large view)

Luckily for me, security has not escorted me anywhere yet. Keep your fingers crossed.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

A "Hole" Lot Of Problems...Solved!

We've had a bit of a heat wave here the last week or so. Temperatures have even reached a balmy 40+ degrees. While this is a nice change, there is one nasty little side effect. As the temperature goes back and forth above and below freezing, the roads pay the price. That's right, potholes.

As if the bone rattling ride this creates while driving isn't enough, (although not quite enough to shake the water out of your ear) the little bits of gravel get kicked up and fly everywhere. This creates a hazard for pedestrians and can cause damage to other cars. The holes get filled with asphalt, but quickly come loose. There's got to be a better way.

Well, guess who thought of it? Yup, your very own JewBoy has another one of his ridiculous ideas.

Here's the plan: It's really very simple, they have it all backwards. Make the roads out of rubber, and the wheels of the car out of concrete. (or any other hard material, metal, asphalt, whatever) It's that easy.

How great would that be? If anything happened to the road, you just melt a little rubber and fill it right in. Piece of cake. They could have road Zambonies that just drive over and melt and resurface the rubber. No more smelly tar and asphalt. No months and months of construction. There would be fewer traffic problems and all the money saved on construction could be used on other community projects. It's the first step to, to rubber the way to a better future.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Victory Is Mine!!!

Now I know what you are thinking from the title. You're thinking I have become victorious in my battle against the mailman. No. Not even close. It's my ear. Yes, my ear. My ear and I have been in a fierce battle for the past 3 days. Here's how it all went down.

It started with this....

And then this...

The University of Minnesota had an open swim/dive on Sunday. We decided to go and I was brave enough to jump off the high dive as you can see above. You'll notice my excellent form on the entry in the second photo. That's what did it. My clean entry caused me to plunge very deep into the water. That's when it happened. The water blasted its way into my ear...and refused to come out. Here is an illustrated rendition of what I went through for the next three days.

It begins...

I notice the water in my ear as I am exiting the pool. I do the customary head banging to dislodge the water. No luck.

This is when the full fledged torture began. I got in the car and turned on the music. I could only hear it out of my left ear. Try driving with your ear plugged sometime. The car sounds are all different, you can't hear the cars on one side of you. It's very annoying. I shook my head every chance I luck.

I get home and sit on the couch to write my blog. The head banging continues. Again, no luck. I am deaf in my right ear and the constant headbanging has now made my neck very sore. Schnoozle offers her advice...

I finish my blog and go to bed. I get in bed, turn on the hot steam humidifier and awkwardly hold my head over it. I hope that the steam will penetrate my ear and help coax the water out. I ignore the neck pain and shake my head while the steam enters my ear. Guess what!!! No luck. Schnoozle offers more advice...

I wake up the next morning and my ear is still clogged and definitely worse. Why didn't Schnoozle warn me? Awesome. I shower, drive to work, sit at my desk and realize I can't stand it. I go to target and get ear cleaner/wax remover. I make several awkward trips to the bathroom to squirt the stuff in my ear.

Now, the side of my head is wet, my ear is still clogged and I'm super pissed. I return to my meeting.

My ear partially clears for about 10 minutes then clogs back up. I'm very super pissed. I research "how to remove water from your ear" on the internet. The first site recommends putting rubbing alcohol in my ear. For some reason I decide to do this over the kitchen sink.

Not only does it not work, but the rubbing alcohol really stings my now sore and tender ear. Time for internet method 2...use a hairdryer to to dry the water out of the ear. More advice from Schnoozle...

I'll give you three guess what else didn't work...but you'll only need one. I'm totally desperate. I go into the living room and decide to bust out my gymnastics skills and hope that gravity will be on my side.

Still no luck. I admit defeat and go to bed. I will call the doctor in the morning.

It's morning and my ear is worse. I schedule an appointment for 2:00pm. Naturally I have two meetings I have to suffer through and spend most of the time shaking my head, cringing at the neck pain.

(yeah, I reused the picture, so what)

It's time for my doctor's appointment. The doctor comes in and looks in my ear. He says it's blocked by some ear wax and that's what's causing all the pain, pressure and loss of hearing. He says the nurse will be right in to clean it out. The nurse comes in with at giant syringe and some warm water and peroxide. She inserts the giant syringe in my ear, puts a bowl under my ear and blasts the water into it Super Soaker style. The water blasts out all the stuff in my ear and drains into the bowl. Gross. (See zoomed in image for detail of the giant syringe in my ear. Drawing is to scale)

I can hear!! The pain and pressure is gone. Oh my god I am so happy.

And that is the story of my victory over the water in my ear.

P.S. My mailman still sucks.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Oh, It's On...

My mailman continues to try my patience. My Editor-in-Chief sent me a letter and purposely wrote "Fragile-Do Not Bend" on the front and on the back as a test. As you can see, these instructions were blatantly ignored. Clearly he stuffed it in there as an act of rebellion. Not only was it bent, but it was creased as well. It was like his way of saying, "Fuck you and your lazy non-mail-getting neighbors." Bastard. He has no idea who he is messing with.

Naturally, I am planning a brilliant revenge. However, it's tricky and I'll need to plan carefully. Most people don't realize the amount of power a mailman can have. Think about all the things your mailman can know about you. He knows your name, your address, where you do your banking, where you work, what doctor you go to, when your birthday is, where you shop and all sorts of other personal information. So, I need to proceed with caution, for he has the ability to strike back even stronger. I think I'll start off subtle. I'll send myself letters from some strategically named organizations, ones that will strike fear into the heart of even the boldest mailman. Once he sees the type of person that I might be, he'll be forced to treat my mail with the utmost respect.

For example, I think I'll create a monthly newsletter titled "Training attack dogs". This will be a good start since we all know that dogs are the nemesis of all mailmen. I'll start the first couple of issues off pretty innocent, but then slowly, the images on the cover will become more direct. The covers will be dogs chasing UPS guys, FedEX guys and then DHL guys. I don't want it to be too obvious, just plant the seed.

Then, I'll step it up a notch. I'll start sending myself letters from the AUCA. I'll keep it mysterious at first, then eventually one of the letters will let on to the fact that it's the American Underground Cannibal Association. There will be a special issue discussing top candidates for the next "roast". Mailmen will be listed as one of the top 3 (again, I don't want to be too obvious) since they come to you and can be easily apprehended. The best part is if they go missing during the work day, everyone in the entire neighborhood is a potential suspect. It would take the police forever to get through all of them and you'd have plenty of time to properly dispose of the inedible leftovers. Perfect.

If these two strategies fail, I'll be forced to pull out the big guns. I'll have all my mail forwarded to a different address and simultaneously, I will have all of that mail forwarded to the other address. Thus creating an infinite loop of mail forwarding, effectively preventing his job from ever being done. He'll be forced to go back and forth from house to house never able to deliver the mail. It will keep piling up and eventually wear him down, till he's forced to quit and be replaced by a competent letter carrier that shows some respect for my mail.

Go ahead and bend my letters some more Mr. Mailman, you have no idea who you're dealing with and what I am capable of.

{Evil Sinister Laugh}

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Sunday Night Writer's Blogk...

I don't know why, but I seem to have the most trouble thinking about what to write on Sunday nights. I talked to a couple of my loyal readers tonight and apparently, they are a big fan of my artwork. So I thought tonight would be an illustrated guide to one of my typical Sunday night bloggings. It pretty much goes like this...

The blogging begins:

Can't think of any ideas, maybe get some help?

Ok, no help there.

Well that didn't help...

Still no help there. I should know better by now. What to write, what to write...?

Well, that's what it's gonna be. I feel like I'm using my free spin.

Well there it is, a summarized, illustrated rendition of my Sunday night.

Note: Those of you who have been to our apartment will appreciate that I have perfectly color matched the couch. You'll also notice that the comments from Schnoozle come from my left, which is where she sits at her desk doing countless hours of work while I screw around on this thing.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

I Was Just Doing My Job...

As you can see, my mail situation has not improved. I think there are a lot of people that take their job descriptions too literally. For example, "Put mail in box." Obviously, there are no more detailed instructions, like "...and try not to mangle it too badly."

Below is one of the most famous examples:

The entire job description for this must have been, "Paint double yellow lines on road." The person who was chosen to complete this job did just that...and only that. "Remove any obstructions" was not part of the description. I'm sure if most of us, (having fully functioning brains) were put in this position, would have slid or kicked the carcass off to the curb and continued to paint. Not this guy. Just painted right over it and wasn't concerned about the blank spots that would be left when the carcass was finally removed. This might be more annoying than when the manhole covers that have lines on them are put back on without the lines lining up. That drives me crazy.

This reminds me of one particular day at Wegmans. (Greatest grocery store ever) There was a young female cashier who was relatively new. Her job: Scan all the customer's items, put them in a bag, collect payment. Sounds pretty easy right? Well, here's what happened one day. A customer ordered a birthday cake. When a cake is ordered, a full page form is filled out with information like: type of cake, frosting color, what should be written on it and so on. Then, a sticker is printed out with the barcode and the price of the cake. The sticker is usually stuck half on the form and half on the box's clear plastic window. (See diagram below)

So, this cashier was chugging along, scanning and bagging all of the items. The cake was next on the conveyor belt. As you may know, the scanner is under a glass window in front of the cashier. So, the barcode has to be held over it. (Fancy side scanners and scanning guns weren't around yet.)

I saw the whole thing happen. Without even the slightest bit of hesitation, the cashier grabbed the cake box, flipped it over, scanned it and put it on the counter behind her. This of course resulted in the cake being completely shown below.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get there in time to stop it. It was like one of those slow motion scenes in a movie. Picture me racing towards the register, the cashier lifting and then slowly flipping the box over, me flailing my arms yelling a long drawn out "Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!". I was too late. I got to the cashier and said, "What was that!?!? You ruined the cake!" Her response, "I had to scan the barcode." I said, "You're supposed to peel the sticker off and scan just that part. That's why they attach it to the plastic part." Her response..."Well, no one told me that."

It's scary to think that you'd have to tell someone not to flip a cake upside down. But, {sigh}, then again, she was just doing her job. Painted roadkill and ruined cakes are pretty minor compared what could happen from such complete stupidity and lack of thinking.

It's just like the famous line in Seinfeld..."I can think of another group of people that were just doing their jobs....that's right, the Nazis."

Friday, February 6, 2009

Questionable Intentions...

I consider myself a fairly social person. I like to go to parties, happy hours and all that good stuff. I like to meet new people too. However, there are a lot of people that when you first meet, ask you all sorts of seemingly innocent questions, when they are really trying to find out something else. (This is especially prevalent in the dating scene) We've all been in these situations and I'm sure you find it as incredibly annoying as I do.

I call them
Inquestionals: Poorly disguised questions that are an intentional attempt to obtain personal information about you.

Here's a list of some inquestionals and what the people are really trying to say.

1. Where did you go to school?
-Was my school better so I can feel intellectually superior to you?

2. When did you graduate?
-Are you older or younger than you look?

3. What do you do?
-Approximately how much money do you make?

4. What do you drive?
-Just checking to see if my approximation of your salary is accurate.

5. What does your dad do?
-How can a (answer to #3) afford to drive a (answer to #4)...must be family money?

6. Where do you live?
-Just exactly how much family money are we talking about here?

7. Where are your parents from?
-I can't tell if you're Japanese, Chinese, Korean, etc. (or any other type of foreigner)

8. How did you meet? (asking a couple, or from one person to a group of friends)
-Please give me some ideas on how to meet people, I'm so, so lonely.

Here's a few that the newly married couples out there always get...

9. So, How's married life?
-Are you completely miserable yet, or still in that annoying honeymoon phase?

10. When are you gonna have kids?
-When will the romance and spontaneity be removed from your sex life and your lives become miserable and completely absent of all freedom like ours?

And that's what I think about that. Any questions?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I was speechless...

Yeah, you read that right. Me...JewBoy...Speechless.

It was a few years ago, My dad, his friend, his friend's son and I went to San Diego for the night. It was time for dinner and we drove into La Jolla. (A very upscale area of San Diego) There was an area with 4 nice restaurants. We pulled up to the Valet in my dad's friend's brand new Cadillac and felt like trailer trash. It looked like an exotic car showroom. Vintage Rolls Royces, Bentleys, Ferraris, Porsches and so on. Unbelievable. Anyway, we picked the Italian restaurant. We were seated, and began chatting. This was typical guy chat...dirty jokes, critiques of the women in the restaurant, whose were real, whose were after-market, you know, the usual. As you know from reading previous posts, my dad and I have a pretty inappropriate sense of humor. His friend and his son were no different. We noticed a table with a large party about 20 feet away that became the topic of discussion. There was an older man who everyone entering the restaurant shook hands with or kissed. There were several females, some attractive and some very attractive. I think there was a couple of other people too...who knows, they're not important to the story. I think it goes without saying that our conversation was fairly "colorful".

Then it happened.

We were pretty engrossed in our conversation when out of nowhere, a woman came over to our table and put her hand on my dad's shoulder. She looked at all of us and said... "I just have to tell you guys that you are hilarious." Huh? She went on to say she had a couple of brothers so she knew what it was like and thought it was funny and just wanted to tell us. Huh? Then she dropped the bomb and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, let me explain. I work at the national institute for the deaf and am a professional lip reader. I have been sitting at that table over there and read everything you guys said. But, it's not me that got implants, it's the other girl and yes she does some modeling. The old guy's not Mafia, but his relative is..." and all the crap we were talking about.

Yes, she repeated all of the topics from our entire conversation to us, word for word. Then she said, "Have a great night" and returned to her table. We were all absolutely speechless and afraid to say another word. We had to quickly think up a strategy, this was too good not to talk about.

Anything on the table became our shield from the lip reader. Menus, napkins, pretending to wipe our faces while we talked, they were all sneaky tricks to keep our conversation to ourselves. Our stealthy skills must have worked because we were able to eat our (very delicious) meal and leave without the mafia brother, or whoever else was at that table kicking our asses for all the shit we were talking.

The moral of the story: Always watch what you say...because you never know who else might.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Going Postal...

I get the feeling our mail carrier hates our building. I can't say that I blame him/her. There are a few people here that frequently don't get their mail. They're either out of town, too lazy, or both. But whatever the reason, their boxes fill up, making it difficult for the carrier to deliver the mail. So as an act of postal rebellion, instead of just leaving the mail in the basket that we put under the mailboxes, he/she just crams it in the box. So, even though I get my mail every day without fail, I get the pleasure of coming home to this every day. (except Sundays and holidays)

I mean really... is this necessary? There was one letter and one advertisement and PLENTY of room for them to both peacefully co-exist in the mailbox. But no, they got jammed in there and mangled almost beyond recognition. The worst part is that there were valuable coupons in those advertisements. I mean, I don't mind the people at the restaurants thinking I'm a cheap ass, but I don't want them to think I'm a slob too. Sheesh.

So I'm thinking about planning some sort of creative retaliation. Maybe I'll just mail bundles of blank letters to myself with "DO NOT BEND" written on them. Maybe I'll randomly switch the order of the mailbox name labels every day. Either way I'll be able to collect the evidence needed to submit a perfectly legitimate complaint about my mail being ruined or incorrectly delivered...and I'll take that bastard down. So here's a warning to you, angry mail carrier... Knock it off, you're messing with the wrong male's mail.

Maybe if I hang this over the mailbox, it will help...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Photo Hunt...

The last few posts have been very word heavy, so today has lots of pictures. Kind of like a video daily double. Good luck.

I took some pictures of my things and Schnoozle's things. See if you can tell what's mine and what's Schnoozle's. As always, click on the image for a larger view.


Medicine Cabinet:




Was it too easy?

Monday, February 2, 2009

6 More Weeks...Might as well learn some new words...

I was going to draw some pictures, but I left my mouse at work and trying to draw in MS Paint with a touch-pad is impossible. Maybe tomorrow...

So here's some new words for ya...

It's happened to all of us, you're talking to someone who is desperately trying to sound intelligent. However, instead, they demonstrate their:

Fauxcabulary- The description for the vocabulary of someone that regularly uses words incorrectly. Here's a perfect example- "Honestly, irregardless of how this turns out, we just know this is going to be a reoccurring event, so arguing about it is really a mute point." They need to take a Fauxking English class.

I'm not really into sports that much. But, it always amazes me when I see people getting so riled up at the other people watching the game. Especially when they don't want the same team to win. So after watching the Superbowl last night, this word came to mind.

Fanimosity- The immense hatred felt between sports fans rooting for different teams.

Person 1- "Can I borrow your phone?"
Person 2- "Sure here you go. Wait...{wipes it off on jeans and hands it to you} ok here."

Cell Philm- That layer of face grease that is always on the screen of your cell phone no matter what article of clothing you wipe it on.

Cell Philm reminds me of when I was a little boy and would go over to my Gramma's house. I'd pick up the phone to make a call and without fail, the entire earpiece was covered in make up.

I call this:

Phonedation- The build up of foundation make up on the phones of all Grammas that you have to wipe off before using. Otherwise, you'll end up with a Gramma colored smudge on your cheek.

Well, I'm pretty wiped myself, time for bed.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Wisdumb and Dumber...

Once again, it's time for a little Wisdumb. These are things I have learned...usually the hard way.

1. Using the bathroom at work or a restaurant can save a substantial amount of money on toilet paper. In times like these, every little bit helps.

2. If you drive a stick shift car, leave it in the gear you will be using when you return to the car.

3. Smell the milk before you drink the glass, not the container.

4. For the men out there- When you've been outside in the cold for a while, warm up your hands a little before you urinate. You've all done it and know what I mean.

5. In the winter, after you get off of a fabric couch to go to bed, touch a metal chair or table or something non-electric before turning off the light. The light switch will shock you way worse, way way worse.

6. Waiters and Waitresses handle plates all day. I would go as far as to say that they are subject matter experts on plate temperature. There is no need to validate their knowledge.

7. Inside your car is absolutely the worst possible place to keep the lock de-icer.

8. The saying "A sharp knife is a safe knife" is a load of crap. All it means is that the cut will be so clean, it will take longer to realize you've made a near-fatal wound to your finger.

That's all for tonight. I'm off to dream about a shadowless groundhog.