Tuesday, April 28, 2009

And The Oscar Goes To....


Ok, maybe not. The absence of my recent blogging is about to be explained. Over the past few weeks I have written, directed, produced and even acted in my first real short film. This past week I was away for my company's annual sales kick off in lovely Detroit. My boss thought it would be fun to put together a short film that highlighted our company's product in a fun and entertaining way. Naturally, he came to me for my creative expertise. Together, with the help of some of my awesome friends, we wrote, filmed, directed, produced and even starred in the film. Our company's senior management loved it so much that they played it at the kick off on a giant screen in a huge room with over 500 people in the audience. They had us stand up when it was over and the crowd cheered and applauded. It was absolutely Awesome!!!

So? Do you want to see it or not? Click the link below to watch it on youtube. I strongly encourage you to click the HQ on the bottom right of the video window to watch the high quality version of the film. Also, you can click the button next to the HQ button to make it fill your whole screen. Here's the link!

Overview: Anyone who has worked in or with a large corporate IT department will get it. It's meant to show how awesome my company's product is and what it can do for you.

Note: The film is a fairly large file and may take a few minutes to load in youtube. Be patient, it's worth it.

Let me know what you think!!!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

"Boyle" the Ocean...

So unless you've been living under a rock for the past week or so, you've heard the name Susan Boyle. If you haven't, you absolutely need to watch this video. Even if you have seen it, hell, watch it again, it's good. She's become an international sensation. The video has been watched over 19 Million times on Youtube and the Facebook page created for her has over 700,000 members. She's pretty much a big deal and I think will continue to be one...Unless of course the whole thing is a hoax. I'm not saying it is...I'm just saying that it could happen. Anyway, in keeping true to my greedy nature, I'm trying to find a way to also benefit from her newfound success. People love to advertise things that they like. Don't agree? Go drive around any neighborhood. It's halfway through April and people still have their Obama/Biden signs up. Yeah, we get it, they won. This is one of the ultimate forms of Showvoting. 6 months after the election and you're still bragging about how your candidate won. Assholes.
Well, I think people are gonna want to show the world that they too, are rooting for Susan Boyle. I figure with 700,000 fans on Facebook, at least 1% would want to endorse her in some way. That's 7,000 potential customers. So, I came up with this great T-shirt. I figure I can make a profit of at least $5 a shirt. That's a quick $35k. Not bad. I could do more, but I don't want to "Boyle the ocean". Baby steps. If you've watched the video (like I told you to) you'll get it. If you haven't...Duh, watch this video.

Here it is: Let me know how many you'd like...

Copyright JB enterprises. ©

$$Cha-Ching!$$ And if you think she doesn't support me...I disagree. When I ran the idea by her, she sent me this:

Two thumbs way up. How could anyone not love this woman?

In the meantime...keep clicking those ads!!!!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thinking Outside the Box...

Some of you that attended our Jewsian Fusion wedding may remember the wedding cake cookies that my mom made. Well, she's at it again. She made some pirate shaped cookies for the birthday party of the son of a friend of hers. Here's a picture of the prototype cookie that she sent to me:

Pretty cute huh? I think so. Yes, I mentioned to her that a real pirate wouldn't be smiling, but this was a specific request from the mother as she didn't want them to scare the children. Fair enough.

Hopefully by know you're wondering where the hell I am going with this story...well here it is.

There is one minor detail I have purposely omitted. My mother does not own a digital camera. She also does not own a cell phone with a camera. This puzzled me, so I asked her...

JewBoy(11:42:25 PM): how did you get a picture?
Mom (11:42:38 PM): what picture?
JewBoy (11:42:43 PM): that you sent of the cookie
Mom (11:43:02 PM): Now don't laugh. I put the cookie on the printer (Note-when she says printer, she means the flatbed scanner part of the printer/copier/scanner)
Mom (11:43:11 PM): face down
Mom (11:43:35 PM): that is why it is a little smushed

How awesome is that? Normally I pick on my Mom for her lack of technological prowess. However, this time, I was very impressed. Using only the limited resources available to her, (The combo printer-copier-scanner I got her for Hanukkah one year) she came up with a clever way to obtain a digital picture to email to her friend. Good for Her! Apparently, along with insanity, technical ingenuity is also inherited from your children.

In case anyone finds themselves in a similar predicament, she sent me the following tips to pass on. I'd like to think they're common sense, but I've lived long enough to know that anytime you think something is idiot proof, someone goes out and manages to be a better idiot.

Hi JewBoy,

Just a couple notes in case you blog about my cookie pictures. There are a couple rules people should follow for scanning cookies.

1. Frosted cookies need to be frozen first or else the frosting gets all squished and messy.

2. Put the cookie very gently face down on the printer, and put a piece of paper over the back for a background.

3. Do not close the lid all the way or cookies will get mashed down. Hold the lid up a little until the scanning is over.

4. Remove cookie and wipe the screen thing so there is no greasy frosting left.

5. At this point you can either put cookie back in freezer, or just eat it.

Love, MOM.

So there it is. I'm hoping she didn't learn any of those rules the hard way. :-)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Let My People Go!

So as many of my fellow tribesmen may know, we're smack dab in the middle of Passover. For the rest of you, it's the day after Easter. (I'm pretty confident anyone that doesn't celebrate one of those two holidays is not a reader of this blog...and let's face it, I think it's pretty safe to say the Muslim community doesn't share my warped sense of humor.) So I thought it would be appropriate to do another Holiday Face Off. This time, we'll be comparing Easter to Passover...from my point of view of course. I'll break it up into categories and then decide which Holiday I feel is the winner. As usual, the supporting examples will be extremely biased in favor of my personal opinion. My blog...my rules.

Here goes:


Jews: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. Sound familiar? That's because it's the same for all of our holidays.

Christians: They (or, according to Mel Gibson, "We") killed him. But, he came back. Let's eat.

Verdict: Tie

The Meal:

Jews: The passover meal is also known as a Seder...which pretty much translates to "Order", as in there is an order of things that has to happen. It starts with some prayers in Hebrew, then you eat a piece of parsley dipped in salt water, then some raw horseradish, then some Matzah (see description below), then some apple and walnut paste meant to symbolize the cement used to make the pyramids, (Is your mouth watering yet?) then there's some more Hebrew, and then Matzah ball soup. (See below) Yes, this is the most famous of all the passover foods. A bowl of nearly clear broth with a couple of golf ball sized ground up Matzah balls. No, there's no noodles, they aren't allowed...we'll talk about that later. Just as a note, depending on your level of Jewishness, this part of the Seder leading up to the soup can take well over an hour. As you can imagine, kids love it.

Christians: Sit down and immediately start eating the items mentioned in the food section below.

Verdict: Some things are not worth the wait. Matzah is absolutely one of them. This one goes to Easter.


Jews: Matzah. For those of you that have never eaten Matzah, I'll do my best to explain it. Go to the grocery store and find the bread aisle. Then, walk as far away from it as you possibly can. You should end up in the stockroom in the back of the store. Perfect. Find a box that contains any grain based product. Cereal, pasta, rice...any of them will work. Remove all the products from the box. Now, tear off a piece of the box that they came in and eat it. Ta Da! Matzah. I won't even get into the Gefilte Fish or Manschewitz anything.

Christians: Yet another cooking magazine cover-worthy display of delicious delicacies. Glazed ham, candied carrots, baked pastries and breads. Yum. Let's not forget all the spring flowers and beautifully pastel painted decorated eggs.

Verdict: There's a reason it's called breaking bread, not Matzah. Easter wins this one.

Children's Activity:

Jews: The search for the Afikoman. The Afikoman is a piece of Matzah that is hidden during the Seder. At the end of the meal, the children are sent to find the hidden piece of Matzah. About 9 times out of 10, it's under the table cloth of one of the adults plates. How else are you going to hide a piece of Matzah without leaving the table. It usually takes kids till about the age of 4, maybe 5 if they are a little slow, to figure that one out. The reward for finding it? The meal is officially over and you can go play with the 30 year old lame toys that your Gramma has from when your parents were kids. However, some families reward the winner with a monetary prize...go figure.

Christians: Easter Egg Hunt. Candy and treat filled Easter eggs are hidden all over the house and yard. Kids get to run all over the place collecting them, then opening them to reveal the candy or toys inside. I can say with absolute certainty that none of the eggs will contain Matzah.

Verdict: All the eggs are in Easter's basket for this one.


Jews: Passover brings with it an incredibly complicated list of dietary restrictions. Obviously you can't have bread, but you also can't really have any other grains. That means no pasta, no cereal, no rice, NO PIZZA! But, you also can't have foods made from those grains, so things like corn syrup are also forbidden. Needless to say this makes for a very limited diet of tasty foods. You pretty much end up eating eggs, cheese, meat, fruit and vegetables all week. Along with shooting your cholesterol through the roof, it also does some nasty things to your digestive system. As my dad would say, you truly start to understand what Moses meant when he said "Let my people go. " And for dessert? Macaroons. Macaroons are little coconut cookies that pretty much taste like how old people smell. They try to make them more palatable by dipping them in chocolate, but that's about as useful as Rosie O'Donnell putting on makeup.

Christians: Eat whatever you want...including peeps. That's right, the once a year treat of little yellow and pink sugar coated marshmallows. I also need to mention Cadbury Eggs. Rich chocolate filed with gooey who knows what. Yum.

Verdict: Easter, by a landslide of delicious candy.


Jews: Moses? Dear Moses, you could part a sea, but didn't think to stop and ask for directions? The only place it should take 40 years to get to is a mid-life crisis.

Christians: Easter Bunny. This adorable chocolate and candy dispensing bunny hops around delivering treats to all the girls and boys.

Verdict: There's a reason rabbit's feet are lucky.

So there it is, Easter is the clear winner. Hippity Hop Hooray!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Still Here....

I know, I know. It's been a while. Sorry. I've been super busy and haven't had a chance to post anything. I promise there will be more when I get some free time. I have some ideas. In the meantime, enjoy this license plate that I saw the other day. For those of you unfamiliar with this vehicle, it gets about 8 miles to the gallon. So, the only green is what pours out of his wallet to fill the 40 gallon tank.


Thursday, April 2, 2009


Tonight's blog title is inspired by my trip to IKEA today. A smorgasbord, as you may know, is a Swedish buffet style meal consisting of a variety of foods. Tonight's blog will be just that, a variety of items all together. Since most people read this when they are bored you can see why I titled it "Smorgasbored". How clever of me.

Here goes:


Smorgasbored: Any variety of activities one partakes in when suffering from extreme boredom. Reading blogs, playing games on a phone, channel surfing.

Hallucellations: The feelings you get on your hip or in your pocket when you could swear that your phone buzzed, but after pulling it out to check, you see that there are no messages or calls.


Orange juice tastes terrible after you have just brushed your teeth. However, brushing your teeth after you have just drank orange juice is fairly pleasant.

If you ever need it to rain, have me spend at least an hour hand washing my car. Rain is guaranteed within the next 24 hours.

The less expensive the product you buy, the more impossible the price tag is to remove. I bought a $4 stainless steel bowl at IKEA today. It took me 5 minutes of fingernail scraping to get about half the tag off, then two applications of Goo Gone, then 3 more minutes getting the tag bits out from under my fingernail, then I had to put it in the dishwasher. However, price tags on items from Crate and Barrel and our favorite store, Kitchen Window peel off with almost no effort.


Your is what you have
You're is the same as "you are"
It's really not hard

Update on the status of my blog working for me: $7.12 so far. Sweet.