Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'm a Poet....and I bet you didn't know it....

I am officially a published author! Yep, you heard that right. A few weeks ago, my company sent out an email to everyone telling them about promotion they are running. They are asking customers to submit their best cost savings story from using our software. The best story wins a prize. I saw the email and thought...I bet I could write a story...in fact, I bet I could even take it to the next level and make it a poem. So I threw together a little poem and sent it to a couple people in the company. Next thing I knew, I got an email back from the Vice President saying he loved the poem and wanted it published on our corporate website in the Breaking News section. Several other "high up" people were in the email chain and all liked it as well.

Fast forward to today....and sure enough, there I am, with my holiday poem..."front and center" on the page. Enjoy! (Click on image for larger view)







Here's the poem.... It's a little techie...but I think most of you will get it.


A Holiday Poem . . . Based on Reality

It’s true. Something very strange can happen to people this time of year. Without realizing it, they are guided toward spreading cheer. Recently, Solution Consultant Jason Suss, based at our Eden Prairie, Minnesota office, found his head filled with an IT holiday poem. He wanted to share his inspiration with everyone, so here it is!

Twas the Day Before . . .

Twas the day before "go live" and everyone knew,
If the code didn't work, their careers would be through.
The code was reviewed and load tests were started,
With every metric precisely charted.

The results came back and they were relieved,
For all of their functional goals were achieved.
Only one final approval to put it in prod,
The manager signed off and gave it a nod.

The final milestone passed, the end was in sight,
The new code would be loaded on this very night.
The files were moved and servers rebooted,
How critical this was, no one disputed.

The servers were up, the new version alive,
The developer got a well earned high-five.
But all of them knew of the true test on the way—
The real end users the very next day.

A voice shouted out, trembling with fear,
"It's 8:00 a.m. the users are here!"
Screens flickered on, the work day had started,
Bringing the new app into territories uncharted.

That's when it happened, their nightmare came true,
All the phones ringing, not just a few.
"It's broken, it's slow,” the end users exclaimed.
IT was speechless and feeling ashamed.

Fingers were pointed with language explicit,
‘Till someone shouted, "So, how do we fix it?”
The manager looked up with a confident glare,
"There's only one thing to do, we call Compuware".

The Rockstars arrived, with laptops in hand,
Reports were created and metrics were scanned.
"We found the issue," Compuware cried.
The manager jumped up, mouth open wide.

"We know that your team all had its theories,
But look at this screen, it's these four SQL queries.
Get rid of the * and add this new string,
We guarantee that will fix everything."

The developer ran off to make all those changes,
The manager handled the financial exchanges.
IT was full of smiles and cheers,
"Thank you Compuware, you saved our careers!"

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Fuzzy Thoughts....



It's time for another edition of "Word of the Day"-

Today's word is inspired by the realization I came to today when I looked down at my sweater that was last worn under my fleece lined hooded sweatshirt (that I have affectionately named "Woody the Hoodie).

Lintagious- (Lin-tay-juss) The ability an article of clothing has to get lint all over any other piece of clothing it comes in contact, or even close to.

Used in a sentence- "Oh man, I forgot this white sweater was lintagious...Anyone have a lint roller for my black pants?" (Just for the record, I would never wear a white sweater with black pants...it just illustrated the meaning of the word better)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Hands Free for All?




So, as many of you know, due to the dangers of cell phone usage while driving, many states have made cell phone usage while driving a punishable offense. In order to use a cell phone while driving, drivers must use some type of hands free device. My understanding is that this allows the driver to keep both hands on the wheel. It also helps the driver keep their eyes on the road and not looking away. There are signs all over the place that talk about using hands free devices while driving. Fair enough, I totally support this initiative.

This brings us to my thought of the day. If two deaf people are driving together in a car, should they be allowed to talk to each other? Oddly enough, I haven't seen a "sign" for that...


Monday, November 9, 2009

Thir Dee Won...




Well today was the big day. I am officially 31 years old. Yeah, I agree, pretty old. On my flight to Sacramento last night (longest 3 and a half hour flight ever...ugh) I started thinking about the number 31. So, tonight is going to be an educational look into the number 31.

7 of the months have 31 days.

Baskin and Robbins has 31 flavors.

The average ruler is 31 centimeters long. (yes, if you round up just a hair...but it's more than 30, so it counts)

My waist is 31 inches. (I buy 32 pants cause I like a little extra room)

31 is a prime number.

31 is the country code for the Netherlands.

31 is the atomic number for the element Gallium.

While I agree this is not particularly funny as most of my posts aim to be....with age, comes wisdom....so I thought I'd share a little wisdom with you as some more age comes to me.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

Jesus Saves.......And So Can You.....



So I have come up with yet another million dollar idea. The big joke amongst my friends is how I have a knack for saving money on items I purchase....as you may remember from "Checkout The Savings". Well. I've decided to turn this into a real business. I call it.... Rent-A-Jew.

Here's the idea- You rent me, or one of my other certified J-Card carrying cohorts. You then let us know the item, or service that you are shopping for. We research the item or service using our network of "top secret Jew resources" and find you a better price. Our fee is a mere 25% of the amount of money we have saved you. For an additional fee, we will accompany you to the store if a live face-to-face negotiation is needed.

With Schnoozle's assistance I may expand this business to include Rent-An-Asian. This would be primarily for anyone needing assistance with math, fixing your computer, or learning how to use your new camera. They will come to you....provided that parallel parking is not required.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

After the Fact....



Putting on your turn signal after you have changed lanes is about a useful as wiping your ass before you poop. I know what you just did, I don't need the replay.


Jewbonified--- "I thought next time you could maybe let me know before you cut over into my lane?"

Friday, November 6, 2009

Ups and Downs....





The top or the bottom of an escalator is just about the worst place possible to stop and figure out which way you need to go. (The same goes for those moving walkway things.)


P.S. Let's not leave out the people that stand right in front of the elevator or subway doors blocking the people trying to get out. God that's annoying.
Align Center

Thursday, November 5, 2009

In Good Taste...




If the food you are eating is delicious, please offer me a taste. If it is horrible, please do not. Why do so many people have this completely backwards? "Ewwww....this is gross....taste this." Stupid.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

A Tight Squeeze...




Why is it that some women are able to fit a size 14 ass into a size 10 pair of pants, but are completely incapable of getting a 6ft wide SUV into an 8ft wide parking space?

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Out of Pocket No More...



So I know I've been "out of pocket" for a while, but no worries, I'm back. I have accumulated some good ideas and material. I'm gonna change it up a little though. The feedback I've gotten is that my posts tend to exceed the attention span of the readers. So, I'm gonna post shorter ones, but more often.....at least more often than I have been. In fact, there will be one new one every night this week. Let me know what you think of the new format.

So, here's today's...


A bit of "Wisdumb"-

Don't keep things in your shirt pocket that aren't waterproof. Specifically, toilet waterproof. Any man that has ever leaned over to lift the toilet seat knows exactly what I am talking about.





Align Center

Sunday, November 1, 2009

So? What did "Jew" do?




So, I'm sure you're all wondering how the furniture decision turned out. Here's what I did...

I called the first buyer and told him there was a lot of interest in the furniture and that I had several offers for more money than the price we agreed to. I told him that I would still honor the agreement we made, but I would not be at all flexible on price or pick up date/time. He understood and appreciated that I would honor our verbal agreement. He showed up right on time with his older brother and they removed and carried all the furniture to the U-Haul...without scratching or denting any walls or floors. He was no older than about 20 and was moving into his first place....hence the need for the furniture. He thanked me very much and said that he really appreciated that I honored the $200 price. He said he wanted to pay me the extra $100, but didn't get paid till the following Friday, but could bring it to me then. I was very impressed with the gesture, but told him not to worry about it. I said I was happy that I could help out a young guy that was just starting out and he'd get more out of that $100 than I would. All in all, I felt pretty good about it. In addition to that...I'd also like to say that I'm impressed with my circle of friends and readers. Pretty much everyone I talked to said to honor the verbal agreement and not back out on it just for the extra $100.

They say people are judged by the company they keep...so I'm thankful that I have friends like that to keep me looking good. :-)


Who would have ever thought I'd write a sappy feel good post on this blog....Ewwww. I'm gonna go wash my hands. Stay tuned for some new bloggings...we'll be back to the funny stuff soon.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

What Should "Jew" Do?





I know it's been a while since I've posted....and I promise that I will begin posting again. But, right now, I need your help. You, my loyal readers need to help me with a very difficult decision.

Here's the situation:

We are selling some bedroom furniture. I put an ad on Craigslist for the furniture for $200. That evening I received a call from an interested buyer. He promised to purchase the furniture and pick it up this Saturday. He has already reserved a U-Haul and confirmed the pick up. I agreed to wait until Saturday to sell it to him. I edited the ad on Craigslist to say "SALE PENDING" Should be easy right? Nope.

Today I received the following email:

Hey there,

I know this ad says "Pending Sale" but it's sooooo exactly what I'm looking for! I would be willing to pay $300 cash and pick this up at your earliest convenience. I live in Shakopee and it doesn't take me long to get to uptown from here.

If you can respond and let me know if this is still available and if we can work something out, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Carlos


So I am torn between the following decisions...

1. Do I honor my verbal agreement with the first buyer for $200 and be an ethical person?

2. Do I revert to my heritage and take advantage of the better deal and the extra $100?

3. Do I make it interesting and offer the furniture to the first buyer for $250, but include the name and email address of the buyer that is willing to pay $300? Win-Win for the both of us... I make an extra $50 from the original deal and don't feel so torn about my morals and honor....and, he gets to decide which he wants more-the furniture, or the nearly guaranteed $50 profit for flipping the furniture....maybe he could even ask for more...he does already have a U-Haul and could deliver it....that's added value.

To you, my loyal followers, I need your help!! Please comment with your thoughts and ideas. ASAP!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

To the front, to the front....to the back, to the back....

So as I alluded to in my last post, I had a couple of ideas for a shirt and a bumper sticker.

As I mentioned in Mammary Mythbusting, men love boobs. Men also love staring at boobs. Trust me, I know this from experience...lots and lots of experience. In fact, I got caught staring at a set by my mother when she was visiting. (AWKWARD!) We were at Target and the women next to me in line (a new mother...and you know what that means...nice and full) was wearing a tight, thin tank top....and going commando. It was odd, despite the warm weather, she appeared to be very cold...if you know what I mean. My mom called me out and said..."Do you think you could have been a little more obvious?" Whatever...if you're wearing a shirt like that with your high beams on...you lose all right to complain about guys staring at them. Anyway, I digress. I'm pretty confident that women are not a fan of this. So, as a way to repent for my obvious gawking, I designed them this shirt.




While I realize this is only appropriate for a subset of all the women out there, don't worry, I have designs for the others. Canadian and not so well endowed? We could have Eh! cups. As in, Stop staring at my Eh! cups....Eh! Or, for some of the marine loving Mamas, the cups would have a little picture of the ocean...for...you guessed it.."Sea Cups". D Cups and above....honestly, it doesn't matter what you wear...we're gonna stare.


Onto my next idea...

I've always loved cars. I've also always really enjoyed driving....and then I moved to Minnesota. Driving here is pretty much my absolute nightmare. I have seen people here do the most unbelievable things. They'll stop at the end of an on-ramp with their signal on and sit there trying to merge onto the 60mph highway. They'll make right turns from the left turn lane. They'll use the shoulder to pass on the right when the left lane is wide open...unreal. However, one of my biggest pet peeves is when you are in the right or center lane of a highway with the lane to your left wide open, and some douchebag comes flying up on your ass and tailgates you. Seriously, WTF? The left lane is wide open. I'd say 7 out of 10 times it's some wanna be tough guy retard. Women are also guilty of this behavior...but slightly less. So, I designed this bumper sticker for the guys guilty of this crime.





I mean, if you drive that way, it's really obvious enough. But, I figure we might as well call a spade a spade. So go ahead, tailgate me. You're just admitting to what all of us already know. Dickhead. For the girls...perhaps a "Tailgate me....if your ass looks fat in those jeans" would be a good one? That might do the trick.




Give yourself a bonus point if you read the title of this post and got the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

You get half of a bonus point if you read the line above this and now have the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

No idea what I'm talking about....click below and wait for 0:36.
Now Dip, Baby Dip!


Sunday, August 16, 2009

More, More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 2 of 2...

So I got pretty good feedback on my last round of Wit and Wisdumb...glad to hear it. Now it's time for the long anticipated part 2.

Here goes:




So, Schnooze and I are thinking about buying a new house. Naturally, we have been doing a lot of house shopping lately. One day while browsing through a house, I had a great idea.... If I were a thief, an open house is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I mean really, you can just walk into the house (many of which are totally furnished and still have all the home owners belongings in them) browse around, "case the joint" and plan your attack. I mean, all they have is some realtor sitting there to tell you how they just refinished the floors or something....then, you're allowed to roam freely through the house....alone. You could pocket anything you want, get a good idea of the layout, find out if the owners are living there or not, or even unlock a strategic window to make for an easy entrance late at night. The whole thing seems pretty risky to me. Of course, this post in no way condones stealing or breaking into houses....it's just a thought, that's all.





Here's a quickie...What happens if someone that keeps Kosher catches the swine flu?






As many of you know, Schnooze and I really enjoy cooking. As many of you may also know, I have a fairly large nose...which I do my best to keep as clean and tidy as possible. Now, on a different and soon to be related topic, you may not know that the inside membrane of your nose is very sensitive to capsaicin...the part of peppers that make them taste spicy. So, my advice to you is, NEVER pick your nose after cutting jalapenos...or any other spicy peppers. Wow! It's a really special type of pain.

And finally, here's one of my favorites bits of Wisdumb:



I pretty much go out to eat for lunch every day. I am also "fortunate" enough to work with what could very well be the two fastest eaters alive. So, it's pretty much a regular occurrence that they are completely done with their meal and ready to leave before I am even halfway through. Being cheap and wanting to get my money's worth, I always take the leftovers with me. Conveniently, our office has a refrigerator that I can keep my leftovers in until it's time to go home. However, it's very easy to forget about them. There were many occasions where I got home, ready for my afternoon snack, only to realize it was still in the fridge at work. Dammit! Well, I figured out the solution. Put your car keys with your leftovers. That way, you can't go home without the leftovers. Simple as that! Of course you may walk all the way out to your car only to realize you don't have your keys...but, at least you won't have to do it again on an empty stomach. Ah Ha! (Note: The picture above is my home fridge and used for illustrative purposes only. It's not the fridge at my office, so that should explain the beer.)

And there it is....Wit and Wisdumb part 2. Stay tuned for my T-shirt and Bumper sticker ideas.




Friday, July 31, 2009

More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 1 of 2...

I spend a lot of time thinking. When I'm driving, when I'm at the airport, when I'm at a party, when I'm shopping...the gears are always churning with crazy thoughts and ideas. I've started collecting these thoughts. Anytime I have one that I think is good, I add it to the little list I've created on my phone. Now that I have a few of these together, I thought they'd make for a good blogging.

Here goes:




For the guys out there. How many times have you gone to a party, gotten a drink, put it down, turned around for a minute and when you came back, there were several identical glasses/cups on the table. Here's my suggestion. Look for one that has lipstick on it...and take that one. Why you may ask? Basically, if you're gonna swap spit with anyone at the party, it might as well be a girl. I mean honestly fellas, if you're at a party and had a few drinks, there's probably very few girls you wouldn't make out with anyway.




Next, for those of you that don't travel much...or even those of you that do, here's a little airport advice. Anytime you are going to fly, make sure you wear shoes with socks. All airports require that you remove your shoes while going through the security checkpoint. Do you really want your bare piggies touching the nasty, never- cleaned floor, where all those other people's bare piggies have been? I know I don't. It's almost as bad as the guys at the gym that use the locker room urinals and stalls barefoot. I really hope none of them travel.



Speaking of wardrobe suggestions, here's another. Like many people, I often wear a red shirt with khaki shorts or pants. It's a perfectly normal outfit. However, it's a huge mistake if you plan on shopping at a Target. As you may know, red and khaki is the official "uniform" of Target employees...and one of the few company uniforms that could also be a normal outfit. On two separate occasions now, I have gone to Target accidentally wearing this color combination. Both times I have been stopped by no less than three shoppers that asked me where certain items were located. (Now, had it been a Wegmans, obviously, I would have known. But, Targets are big stores with lots of items...and more importantly, I don't work there.) So...then I have this awkward moment where I have to tell the person I don't work there...which is then returned with one of the two following looks. 1. They look at me like I am lying to them because I am too lazy to help them, or don't know the answer. Or, 2. They look at me like "Well then while the hell are you wearing a Target uniform....idiot." I'm gonna just start telling people random aisle numbers.




And for my final thought... When you cross a one way street, do you still have to look both ways?



Stay tuned for part 2...

Monday, July 6, 2009

"Checkout" The Savings...




And I'm back. I know, I know, it's been a long time...and for that I apologize. I've been pretty busy but will try to get back into it. One post a week is the current goal. So here we go, this one's packed with valuable info so read carefully....


So now that all of you are fluent in Jewbonics, it's time for your next lesson. Shopping...and the way of the Jew. Some of you may be familiar with a common stereotype about Jews being cheap. Well, that's not entirely true. It's not that we're cheap, we buy plenty of nice stuff. Drive by a temple on a saturday morning, there's no shortage of luxury cars. (American, Japanese, and Italian luxury cars of course, on account of the fact that the "Nazi bastards" make the rest of them) It's clear that we're not cheap, we're just better at shopping. Whether it's hunting down a good sale, maybe doing a little "negotiating" or of course, using the occasional coupon, (or as a few of my less culturally sensitive friends call them, "Jewpons") we usually end up getting a good deal.

Most sons and daughters have games that they play with their fathers. It could be playing catch, chess, basketball, whatever. My father and I had a bit of a different game. We would have receipt battles. Essentially, the competition was based on who could save the most money on a shopping trip to the grocery store. Now you may be thinking, "JewBoy, that's not fair, you worked at Wegmans (Greatest grocery store ever) and clearly had an advantage with your superior grocery store knowledge." While that is true, my father is a Certified Public Account and therefore, a very worthy adversary.

A typical phone call would go like this:

RING RING...

JewBoy: "Hello.."

Dad: "OK, are you ready?"

JewBoy: "I'm ready, let's hear it..."

Dad: "Grand total- Fifty six dollars and forty eight cents"

JewBoy: "Ok...and?"

Dad: "After coupons and Shoppers Club (or whatever the in store sale program was)....wait for it... Thirty one dollars and twenty two cents. A total savings of twenty five dollars and twenty six cents."

JewBoy: "Well done!"


I would then read off my recent shopping trip and we would see who had saved the most. Naturally, we converted the savings to a percentage to keep the competition fair.


So by now I know you are all thinking "JewBoy, that's incredible! How can I too, learn the way of the Jew when it comes to shopping?"

Well today is your lucky day, I'm going to let you in on a couple of secrets.



All you have to do is follow these four rules...

1. Read the price tags carefully, especially on the endcaps of the aisles. Large signs that say "WOW" don't mean the product is on sale. They're usually just the original price on a big fancy sign...no savings there. Skip those and go to the regular part of the aisle where the product is. There is almost always a different size or brand that is on sale.

2. Now that you've found an item with an actual sale tag, look to see what the sale is. Sure, 2/$3.00 may seem like a great deal, but not if the product is usually priced at $1.59. Wow, a whopping $.18 savings if you buy two...don't waste your time.

3. Spend the $1.00 for the Sunday paper...but only after you've checked it to make sure that there are at least two coupon sections. Every once in a while they don't put them in, so essentialy you'd be starting off at a $1.00 loss. Cut out the coupons for the stuff you normally buy, but may not necessarily need right now. Cereal, paper products and toiletries are best. Next time you go to the store, see if any of the items are on sale. If they are on sale, buy them. If not, hang on to the coupon till next time, sales typically rotate every week or so. There's a chance it will be on sale next time. I call this the "double dip". Not only are you getting the good sale price, but you get the coupon savings too. This is a killer strategy for receipt battles.

4. This one is the "Ancient Chinese Secret" of "the way of the shopping Jew"...and probably the most valuable. Grocery stores will often run "Buy One Get One Free" sales, or BOGO as they call it in the grocery world. While this is a good deal on its own, there is an even better strategy. Use a coupon in conjunction with the BOGO. But here is the super secret. Most people think they are buying one and getting one free. True, but...technically you are buying two and getting a discount equal to the value of the second product. So, you can use TWO coupons! AHA! Here's an example. Cereal is Buy one box for $3.59 and get one free. A good deal. But, you clipped the coupons for "Save $1.00 on any box of cereal". You have purchased two boxes, so you can use two coupons. That's $1.59 for two boxes of cereal! (And more importantly, a savings of $5.59, which will help ensure a receipt battle victory.)



For those that doubt my abilities, here's a copy of my receipt from a picnic we had last weekend. Click on the image to see all the glorious details of my savings....and I didn't even use any coupons!



I only paid $24.39 for an order worth $51.88. That's right, a grand total savings of $27.49. That's 53% off! Just think, if everyone could "save" like that, Jesus might get a day off.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Jewbonics-A Primer...





I have always found language interesting. Not so much different languages, but the variations within one language. For example, if you ask someone in California what they call a sweetened carbonated beverage, they would say "Soda". Ask the same question in the mid-west and they'll say "Pop". Upstate New York, they'll call it "Soda Pop". A small area around Boston will call it a "Tonic". Anywhere around Atlanta will call it a "Coke"-regardless of flavor, Coke-Coke, Sprite-Coke, Orange-Coke...whatever. There's many more of these and if you're interested in learning more, check out this page. It's a great collection of regional pronunciations and names for things.

This brings us to today's topic:

Jewbonics- A Primer.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with Ebonics, the name for inner city slang primarily spoken by African Americans. Jewbonics is a similar phenomenon. While several Jewish words have become fairly ubiquitous in the English language, (Schmuck, Putz, Schlep and Schmutz...to name a few) Jewbonics isn't just about the words, it's much more than that. Jewbonics deals more with sentence structure, strategic placement of words, tone...and of course, passive-aggressive guilt. Let me explain...

We'll start with sentence structure. Jewbonics is actually kind of similar to how Yoda speaks from Star Wars. "Strong, with him, the force is." is a great example. Here's how it works with Jewbonics.

Example 1: Describing a girl.

Normal- "She is a smart and nice girl."

Jewbonics- "Such a nice girl she is...and smart too!"


Now let's move on to word placement, tone and the passive aggressive guilt.

Take the word "Maybe". On its own, it's perfectly harmless. "Are you going to the Party?" "Maybe." However, "Maybe" is one of the most cruicial words needed to Jewbonify a sentence.

Example 2: Your mother would like you to take out the garbage.

Normal- "Can you take out the Garbage?"

Jewbonified- "I thought maybe, you could take out the garbage?"

Notice what's happened here. The word "maybe" has been stuck right in the middle of the sentence. By doing this, it's almost as if the asker has challenged your ability to take out the garbage. Also, technically this is a statement. But, when delivered, the word "garbage" finishes with a higher tone (along with a raising of the eyebrows) making it a question. Go ahead, try it. You'll be amazed at how Jewish you sound. Also, by saying maybe, it adds the all important guilt. It's subtley saying "after all I do for you, how could you not do me this one small favor". It's really quite brilliant.


Another crucial word in Jewbonics is "Should". It's plays a similar role to "Maybe" by adding that sense of doubt...and of course guilt.

Example 3: A father comes home late from work to find that his family has eaten without him.

Normal- "I'm upset that you ate without me."

Jewbonics- "All day I work hard to put food on this table...And for this, I should eat a cold dinner?"

Notice there are a lot of the same themes; sentence structure, making a statement a question, the word dinner, (and the word I) of course would be spoken with a higher tone and raised eyebrows, etc. You can see why the word "should" is important. It's similar to the use of the word "maybe" in the previous example, but in this case, there is no doubt. He won't "maybe" have a cold dinner, he knows he will. Therefore, "should" is the appropriate word to use here, as he is challenging the reason why he is having a cold dinner, not if.


Finally, we'll discuss a more complicated example. This involves some of the strategies from above but adds the classic Jewbonic exaggeration.

Example 4: A child is treating her mother disrespectfully.

Normal- "That's not an appropriate way to speak to your mother."

Jewbonics- "9 Months I spent throwing up 4 times a day, and I should be treated like this? I thought just once you could show maybe a little respect?"

See how it all comes together?

So there it is, your first primer on how to speak Jewbonics.

After I spent so much time writing this post, I thought since you're already at your computer, you could maybe leave a comment? And would it kill you to click an ad once in a while?



Monday, May 25, 2009

The 100 "Daler" Blog...

I'm back!!! I know it's been a while, but this post is a very special occasion and I had to make sure it was worthy. For those of you that have been following closely, you may realize that this is my 100th post. A sort of goal I had set for myself before I started all this. So, for the 100th post, I wanted to make sure that it was something truly fantastic. Fortunately, this weekend I had an experience that was absolutely 100th blog worthy. You're in for a treat....

Here goes:

About 10 years ago, I came across this video on the internet. Over the years it has become an internet sensation with over 9,000,000 views of just this one version. Some of you may have seen it, but for those of you that haven't you MUST watch it.

video

It's absolutely incredible isn't it? Hilarious. The costumes, the catchy tune, the music, and of course, the star: Mr. Daler Mehndi himself. Click on his name for some background info. He's pretty much the Justin Timberlake of India...an absolute Pop music sensation...idolized by millions. Seriously. It quickly became a favorite of my editor (Balls) and mine. We learned the song, we learned the dance, we loved it. When Schnoozle went to India, she brought me back Daler Mehndi CD's. It's on every iPod playlist I have. Ok, you get the point...we're a little obsessed.


So, what does this have to do with me, JewBoy? I'll tell you.

This weekend, Schnoozle and I went to DC for two weddings. The first wedding was for a girlfriend of hers from college. The man she was marrying comes from an Indian family. After the traditional Sikh ceremony on Friday, they had a huge party at the groom's father's house. Easily 200+ people. The entire basement was finished off as a bar and had to be at least several thousand square feet. It was a house party like I have never seen before. Live DJ, lights, food, food, food, some more food, Drinks (Including a custom made dispenser for the 2 gallon bottles of Johnny Walker Black that was flowing like the Nile) and of course dancing. Lots and lots of dancing.

The House: (Ignore my crappy merge of the two pictures, it was too big to fit in one picture)



Yeah, wow. And that's just the back of it.



Now, on to the best part of this post. Pictured here is one of the groom's relatives that was attending the party. Look like anyone you know?



About halfway through the evening (about 2 hours into the blasting Punjabi dance music) I felt it was appropriate to make a request for Tunak Tunak (the Daler Mehndi song from the video above). What did the DJ tell me? You guessed it, our Tourquiose Turbaned friend had just requested it...and it was coming on next. I had been waiting 10 years for this day. The day that would have the opportunity to show off my Daler Mehndi dancing skills. My day had finally come. Among 200 cheering Indians I got to perform Tunak Tunak, with what can only be Daler Mehndi's long lost identical twin brother. Now, you may ask, why is this 100th blog worthy? Well, I'll tell you. It's cause I have the whole thing on video. It's shitty quality, but I swear to you, that's me on the left. And yes, at approximately 49 seconds, I bust out the "thread the needle and pull it through" move, Twin Daler sees me, recognizes my skills and follows along. Unreal. It goes from there and the rest you can see for yourself.

Here it is:

video

As if that weren't enough, the following night they had their "big wedding reception". Yeah, the previous night's party was just the warm up. The "big wedding reception" was for 450 guests at a Marriott. Yes, 450...not a typo. It was absolutely rocking. Music blasting, lights flashing, the floor was actually bouncing from all the dancing. About 10 minutes after we got there, guess what song they played? Yup, Tunak Tunak. But this time there was a bonus. Apparently Twin Daler has a brother, Twin Twin Daler. It was a double dance off. The two Dalers (As seen clearly at about 55 seconds) went nuts and danced to the song. I, of course, was right behind them busting out my Indian dance moves. And yes, I have that video as well.

Here it is:

video

Yes, two Dalers, dancing together. Quite possibly one of the greatest moments of my life.

Here's a few more pics for fun:

Dancing with Twin Daler:



The heat is on and the jacket is off...


Twin Daler Round 2:


Don't forget Schnoozle:




The house from the front....It changed colors:






Happy 100th Post to you Blog.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Several Strategies of Successful Spouses and Significant Others...

So as I come up on my 8th month of marital bliss, I find myself a much wiser man, with respect to women and relationships. I feel it is only fair to pass on this acquired knowledge to you...my loyal readers. Like my previous post about the mighty mammaries, I'll be speaking from the man's point of view. Here's what it boils down to: I think relationships have three distinct stages. The first stage I like to call Datopia. (Day-Toe-Pee-Uh) This is essentially when a couple starts dating and everything seems just perfect...a dating utopia. No matter what the activity is, both people agree to do it and have (or in some cases, pretend to have) a fabulous time.

The second stage I call Datfiance. (Date-Fy-Ence) This is when the man starts openly showing his lack of enjoyment of the activity in a defiant manner. For example, during Datopia the man will appear to show genuine interest as his significant other picks out clothes. He may even say things like-"Yeah, those pants look nice, I like the shirt too". Once he has entered Datfiance, as soon as they enter the store, he makes a B-line for the "Man Chair" that every women's store has just outside the dressing room. He openly refuses to assist with the shopping and has no remorse about showing his complete lack of interest. He passes the time by playing on his phone while babysitting the collection of shopping bags from the previous stores.

The third and final stage I refer to as Datvoidance. (Date-Void-Ence) Knowing what the activity involves, this is when the man "nips it in the bud" and flat out refuses to participate. For example- Her: "I'm going to the mall, are you coming?" Him: "No."

Unfortunately, Datvoidance isn't always an option. This is where today's lesson begins. These are my suggestions for how to best manage the Chicktivities (Common activities that chicks try to rope men into) that most men have no interest in. I'll list them by Chicktivity and the type of girl typically guilty of it.




1. The Bookstore- A favorite pastime of the Bookworm chick. This chicktivity involves spending countless hours walking around the bookstore looking at and buying books that will no doubt end up on the bookshelf unread like the 5 books she bought the last time you went there.

How to handle it- Most bookstores have an "Art" section. (I know what you're thinking...just stay with me.) The art section is divided into many categories. In most large bookstores, one of these categories is photography. While color pictures of naked girls in magazines is considered porn, (and usually sealed in those annoying plastic bags) black and white pictures of naked girls in hardcover books is Art. Jackpot! Sure, they're a little artsy-fartsy and you'll probably have to deal with the occasional hairy arm pitted naked chick that looks like she has squirrel's tail in a leg-lock. But, it sure as hell beats standing there while she thumbs through the latest novel from the author that wrote "The Devil Wears Prada". You get to thumb through the books where the chicks wear nada.




2. Reality TV- There's a lot of chicks out there that are reality TV junkies. If your girl is one of them, I got you covered.

How to handle it- There's no shortage of reality TV crap out there. Your strategy is to get her hooked on the right one. My suggestion, "The Girls Next Door". This E! series focused on Hugh Hefner's recent trio of blondes. That's right, behind the scenes of the playboy mansion. Sounds pretty good huh? There's a catch though...DO NOT WATCH IT ON E!. Those bastards censor all the good stuff. Pony up the $5 and rent the DVD's...they are uncensored. She gets all the reality TV she wants and you don't have to deal with the blurred out boobies and bootys. That's right, the DVD's show it all...and there's lots of it.





3. Shoe Shopping- I still haven't been able to figure out this obsession, but for some reason it seems to run rampant among most females. This really is one of the most painful of all the chicktivities.

How to handle it- It's time to call in the big guns. Get your girl a gay boyfriend. He's your pinch hitter for this, the most excruciating of the chicktivities. Every girl needs a gay boyfriend. Sure, hanging out with the girls is good, but that isn't always an option. With the gay boyfriend, she gets the feeling of being with a man, but with all the benefits of a girl...and there's no threat to you. Shoe shopping? He loves it. But it doesn't stop there. Her favorite musical comes to town...Hugh Grant has a new movie out...The local museum is doing an exhibit of fashion through the decades? Guess who'd love to take her? I'll tell you who, her gay boyfriend. All you have to do is pay for the tickets. She'll think you're so sweet for finding something she'd enjoy doing and you get to stay home on the couch keeping your balls adequately scratched. It's win-win.


Have a chicktivity you're struggling with? Feel free to ask my advice in the comment section.

Oh yeah...and click on the advertisements. After I gave you such valuable knowledge, it's the least you can do.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Mammary Mythbusting...



This post is dedicated to something near and dear to all our hearts (and especially near to the women's hearts). That's right, Boobs. I will once and for all "lift and separate" what's factual and what's ficTITious about these bouncy, buxom beauties.


Myth- "More than a handful is wasted."

False. Who came up with this line of crap? Wasted? Are you insane? Clearly this idea was invented by one of two people. It was either a flat chested chick trying to make herself and the rest of the No Titty Committee feel better about themselves, or it was a man who was never introduced to one of the greatest pastimes of all, Motorboating. Motorboating, for those of you that don't know, is the act of placing your face between a voluptuous set of boobies, then putting one hand on each, pressing them against your face and vigorously shaking your head from left to right while exhaling through your mouth. The sound made is similar to that of a motorboat engine....hence the name.

Myth- "If you've seen two, you've seen them all"

False....so, so, so very false. As one of my coworkers once so elequently put it. "Boobs are like snowflakes, they're all different and all beautiful in their own special way." I couldn't agree more. Whether big or small, round or flat, perky or saggy, the never ending variety of boobs has been separating men from their $1 bills and kept more single mothers employed than any other naturally occurring phenomenon.


Myth- "Men get tired of boobs."

False. Let me explain how this works. Imagine if you will, a typical man. He wakes up in the morning right before the sun comes out. He goes to a beach where he sits in a comfy lounge chair. It's important to note that this is a topless beach. In addition to that, it happens to be the most popular topless beach in the whole world. Oh yeah, and no other men go to it except for him. He sits there until the sun goes down watching an endless parade of beautiful topless girls walk by, play volleyball, splash around in the water and apply lots and lots of sun tan lotion. When it gets dark out, he packs up and heads home. On the way home he stops at the grocery store to pick up a couple of things. While standing in line at the register, the women in front of him wearing a V-Neck shirt turns around (now facing him) and leans over to remove an item from her shopping cart. I guarantee that he will do everything in his power to sneek a peek down her shirt. Why? Because it just never gets old.

Myth- "She's got fake boobs."

False. People say this all the time. I stand by the following statement: If I can touch them, they're real. I would however, accept the following terms for surgically altered boobs.
-Aftermarket
-Store Bought
-Bolt Ons
-Implants

Additional terms may be left in the comment section.

Myth- "Those boobs are too big."

True. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate hefty rack as much as the next guy. However, with all things, there is a limit. Let's just say, if your bra and your husbands suit jacket are the same size, (46L perhaps?) it's time to get those babies taken in a little.




Note: No, those are not Schnoozle's boobs...Even I know better than that.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

And The Oscar Goes To....




ME!!!

Ok, maybe not. The absence of my recent blogging is about to be explained. Over the past few weeks I have written, directed, produced and even acted in my first real short film. This past week I was away for my company's annual sales kick off in lovely Detroit. My boss thought it would be fun to put together a short film that highlighted our company's product in a fun and entertaining way. Naturally, he came to me for my creative expertise. Together, with the help of some of my awesome friends, we wrote, filmed, directed, produced and even starred in the film. Our company's senior management loved it so much that they played it at the kick off on a giant screen in a huge room with over 500 people in the audience. They had us stand up when it was over and the crowd cheered and applauded. It was absolutely Awesome!!!


So? Do you want to see it or not? Click the link below to watch it on youtube. I strongly encourage you to click the HQ on the bottom right of the video window to watch the high quality version of the film. Also, you can click the button next to the HQ button to make it fill your whole screen. Here's the link!

Overview: Anyone who has worked in or with a large corporate IT department will get it. It's meant to show how awesome my company's product is and what it can do for you.

Note: The film is a fairly large file and may take a few minutes to load in youtube. Be patient, it's worth it.

Let me know what you think!!!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

"Boyle" the Ocean...

So unless you've been living under a rock for the past week or so, you've heard the name Susan Boyle. If you haven't, you absolutely need to watch this video. Even if you have seen it, hell, watch it again, it's good. She's become an international sensation. The video has been watched over 19 Million times on Youtube and the Facebook page created for her has over 700,000 members. She's pretty much a big deal and I think will continue to be one...Unless of course the whole thing is a hoax. I'm not saying it is...I'm just saying that it could happen. Anyway, in keeping true to my greedy nature, I'm trying to find a way to also benefit from her newfound success. People love to advertise things that they like. Don't agree? Go drive around any neighborhood. It's halfway through April and people still have their Obama/Biden signs up. Yeah, we get it, they won. This is one of the ultimate forms of Showvoting. 6 months after the election and you're still bragging about how your candidate won. Assholes.
Well, I think people are gonna want to show the world that they too, are rooting for Susan Boyle. I figure with 700,000 fans on Facebook, at least 1% would want to endorse her in some way. That's 7,000 potential customers. So, I came up with this great T-shirt. I figure I can make a profit of at least $5 a shirt. That's a quick $35k. Not bad. I could do more, but I don't want to "Boyle the ocean". Baby steps. If you've watched the video (like I told you to) you'll get it. If you haven't...Duh, watch this video.

Here it is: Let me know how many you'd like...




Copyright JB enterprises. ©



$$Cha-Ching!$$ And if you think she doesn't support me...I disagree. When I ran the idea by her, she sent me this:




Two thumbs way up. How could anyone not love this woman?

In the meantime...keep clicking those ads!!!!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thinking Outside the Box...


Some of you that attended our Jewsian Fusion wedding may remember the wedding cake cookies that my mom made. Well, she's at it again. She made some pirate shaped cookies for the birthday party of the son of a friend of hers. Here's a picture of the prototype cookie that she sent to me:




Pretty cute huh? I think so. Yes, I mentioned to her that a real pirate wouldn't be smiling, but this was a specific request from the mother as she didn't want them to scare the children. Fair enough.

Hopefully by know you're wondering where the hell I am going with this story...well here it is.

There is one minor detail I have purposely omitted. My mother does not own a digital camera. She also does not own a cell phone with a camera. This puzzled me, so I asked her...

JewBoy(11:42:25 PM): how did you get a picture?
Mom (11:42:38 PM): what picture?
JewBoy (11:42:43 PM): that you sent of the cookie
Mom (11:43:02 PM): Now don't laugh. I put the cookie on the printer (Note-when she says printer, she means the flatbed scanner part of the printer/copier/scanner)
Mom (11:43:11 PM): face down
Mom (11:43:35 PM): that is why it is a little smushed

How awesome is that? Normally I pick on my Mom for her lack of technological prowess. However, this time, I was very impressed. Using only the limited resources available to her, (The combo printer-copier-scanner I got her for Hanukkah one year) she came up with a clever way to obtain a digital picture to email to her friend. Good for Her! Apparently, along with insanity, technical ingenuity is also inherited from your children.

In case anyone finds themselves in a similar predicament, she sent me the following tips to pass on. I'd like to think they're common sense, but I've lived long enough to know that anytime you think something is idiot proof, someone goes out and manages to be a better idiot.

Hi JewBoy,

Just a couple notes in case you blog about my cookie pictures. There are a couple rules people should follow for scanning cookies.

1. Frosted cookies need to be frozen first or else the frosting gets all squished and messy.

2. Put the cookie very gently face down on the printer, and put a piece of paper over the back for a background.

3. Do not close the lid all the way or cookies will get mashed down. Hold the lid up a little until the scanning is over.

4. Remove cookie and wipe the screen thing so there is no greasy frosting left.

5. At this point you can either put cookie back in freezer, or just eat it.

Love, MOM.

So there it is. I'm hoping she didn't learn any of those rules the hard way. :-)

Monday, April 13, 2009

Let My People Go!

So as many of my fellow tribesmen may know, we're smack dab in the middle of Passover. For the rest of you, it's the day after Easter. (I'm pretty confident anyone that doesn't celebrate one of those two holidays is not a reader of this blog...and let's face it, I think it's pretty safe to say the Muslim community doesn't share my warped sense of humor.) So I thought it would be appropriate to do another Holiday Face Off. This time, we'll be comparing Easter to Passover...from my point of view of course. I'll break it up into categories and then decide which Holiday I feel is the winner. As usual, the supporting examples will be extremely biased in favor of my personal opinion. My blog...my rules.

Here goes:

Overview:

Jews: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. Sound familiar? That's because it's the same for all of our holidays.

Christians: They (or, according to Mel Gibson, "We") killed him. But, he came back. Let's eat.

Verdict: Tie


The Meal:

Jews: The passover meal is also known as a Seder...which pretty much translates to "Order", as in there is an order of things that has to happen. It starts with some prayers in Hebrew, then you eat a piece of parsley dipped in salt water, then some raw horseradish, then some Matzah (see description below), then some apple and walnut paste meant to symbolize the cement used to make the pyramids, (Is your mouth watering yet?) then there's some more Hebrew, and then Matzah ball soup. (See below) Yes, this is the most famous of all the passover foods. A bowl of nearly clear broth with a couple of golf ball sized ground up Matzah balls. No, there's no noodles, they aren't allowed...we'll talk about that later. Just as a note, depending on your level of Jewishness, this part of the Seder leading up to the soup can take well over an hour. As you can imagine, kids love it.



Christians: Sit down and immediately start eating the items mentioned in the food section below.

Verdict: Some things are not worth the wait. Matzah is absolutely one of them. This one goes to Easter.

Food:

Jews: Matzah. For those of you that have never eaten Matzah, I'll do my best to explain it. Go to the grocery store and find the bread aisle. Then, walk as far away from it as you possibly can. You should end up in the stockroom in the back of the store. Perfect. Find a box that contains any grain based product. Cereal, pasta, rice...any of them will work. Remove all the products from the box. Now, tear off a piece of the box that they came in and eat it. Ta Da! Matzah. I won't even get into the Gefilte Fish or Manschewitz anything.



Christians: Yet another cooking magazine cover-worthy display of delicious delicacies. Glazed ham, candied carrots, baked pastries and breads. Yum. Let's not forget all the spring flowers and beautifully pastel painted decorated eggs.



Verdict: There's a reason it's called breaking bread, not Matzah. Easter wins this one.

Children's Activity:

Jews: The search for the Afikoman. The Afikoman is a piece of Matzah that is hidden during the Seder. At the end of the meal, the children are sent to find the hidden piece of Matzah. About 9 times out of 10, it's under the table cloth of one of the adults plates. How else are you going to hide a piece of Matzah without leaving the table. It usually takes kids till about the age of 4, maybe 5 if they are a little slow, to figure that one out. The reward for finding it? The meal is officially over and you can go play with the 30 year old lame toys that your Gramma has from when your parents were kids. However, some families reward the winner with a monetary prize...go figure.

Christians: Easter Egg Hunt. Candy and treat filled Easter eggs are hidden all over the house and yard. Kids get to run all over the place collecting them, then opening them to reveal the candy or toys inside. I can say with absolute certainty that none of the eggs will contain Matzah.

Verdict: All the eggs are in Easter's basket for this one.

Rules:

Jews: Passover brings with it an incredibly complicated list of dietary restrictions. Obviously you can't have bread, but you also can't really have any other grains. That means no pasta, no cereal, no rice, NO PIZZA! But, you also can't have foods made from those grains, so things like corn syrup are also forbidden. Needless to say this makes for a very limited diet of tasty foods. You pretty much end up eating eggs, cheese, meat, fruit and vegetables all week. Along with shooting your cholesterol through the roof, it also does some nasty things to your digestive system. As my dad would say, you truly start to understand what Moses meant when he said "Let my people go. " And for dessert? Macaroons. Macaroons are little coconut cookies that pretty much taste like how old people smell. They try to make them more palatable by dipping them in chocolate, but that's about as useful as Rosie O'Donnell putting on makeup.

Christians: Eat whatever you want...including peeps. That's right, the once a year treat of little yellow and pink sugar coated marshmallows. I also need to mention Cadbury Eggs. Rich chocolate filed with gooey who knows what. Yum.



Verdict: Easter, by a landslide of delicious candy.


Mascot:

Jews: Moses? Dear Moses, you could part a sea, but didn't think to stop and ask for directions? The only place it should take 40 years to get to is a mid-life crisis.

Christians: Easter Bunny. This adorable chocolate and candy dispensing bunny hops around delivering treats to all the girls and boys.



Verdict: There's a reason rabbit's feet are lucky.



So there it is, Easter is the clear winner. Hippity Hop Hooray!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Still Here....


I know, I know. It's been a while. Sorry. I've been super busy and haven't had a chance to post anything. I promise there will be more when I get some free time. I have some ideas. In the meantime, enjoy this license plate that I saw the other day. For those of you unfamiliar with this vehicle, it gets about 8 miles to the gallon. So, the only green is what pours out of his wallet to fill the 40 gallon tank.






Dumb.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

"Smorgasbored"..




Tonight's blog title is inspired by my trip to IKEA today. A smorgasbord, as you may know, is a Swedish buffet style meal consisting of a variety of foods. Tonight's blog will be just that, a variety of items all together. Since most people read this when they are bored you can see why I titled it "Smorgasbored". How clever of me.

Here goes:

Words-

Smorgasbored: Any variety of activities one partakes in when suffering from extreme boredom. Reading blogs, playing games on a phone, channel surfing.

Hallucellations: The feelings you get on your hip or in your pocket when you could swear that your phone buzzed, but after pulling it out to check, you see that there are no messages or calls.


Wisdumb-

Orange juice tastes terrible after you have just brushed your teeth. However, brushing your teeth after you have just drank orange juice is fairly pleasant.

If you ever need it to rain, have me spend at least an hour hand washing my car. Rain is guaranteed within the next 24 hours.

The less expensive the product you buy, the more impossible the price tag is to remove. I bought a $4 stainless steel bowl at IKEA today. It took me 5 minutes of fingernail scraping to get about half the tag off, then two applications of Goo Gone, then 3 more minutes getting the tag bits out from under my fingernail, then I had to put it in the dishwasher. However, price tags on items from Crate and Barrel and our favorite store, Kitchen Window peel off with almost no effort.

Haiku-

Your is what you have
You're is the same as "you are"
It's really not hard



Update on the status of my blog working for me: $7.12 so far. Sweet.