Little Miss Quoted...

There's a lot of famous quotes out there. Some are inspirational, some are funny and some are sad. I thought I'd take this opportunity to share a few lesser known quotes from some well known people.

Whispering to his friend upon first sight of Rihanna- "I'd hit that" -Chris Brown

After seeing the "leaked" photo he allegedly sent- "Aren't things supposed to look bigger on camera?" -Brett Favre

Responding to his accident and behavior- "I plan to work on my driving, I've been focusing too much on my putz" -Tiger Woods

"Oh man, does anyone else feel really ill all of a sudden" -hundreds of birds in Arkansas

During his first appearance as a judge on Iron Chef, with chicken as the secret ingredient- "This tastes just like ear". -Mike Tyson

And my favorite of all time....

At Intern orientation at the white house- "I was thinking we could try a little political role play......I'll be Fidel Castro, and you can be the Humidor." -Bill Clinton

Hold it. now....Hold it now...

Got a quick one for you today, just a bit of Wisdumb. If you are ever faced with some sort of task that you have to complete and need to complete it fast, do it when you have to pee really badly. You will be amazed at how fast you can get it done. Don't believe me? Go ahead, try it. Drink about 4 glasses of water. Wait about 2 hours. Now, when you feel like you're about to burst, go sort the laundry and start the washer. I guarantee you'll do it faster than you ever have before. And....if don't make it....just throw your pants in with it.

NO FATTY CHICKS!! (or Fat Dudes)

I had the pleasure of visiting Winnipeg, Canada on Wednesday night for a work meeting. For those of you that aren't familiar with Canadian geography, (In other words...pretty much everyone that lives in the US) Winnipeg is about 200 miles north of Fargo, North Dakota. (Yes, that same frozen tundra Fargo featured in the movie Fargo.) Right here to be exact. I stayed in the historic, Fort Garry hotel. It's a very old, beautifully restored hotel. Apparently it used to be a very popular railway hotel. One thing was for sure, the rooms were designed prior to the invention of fast food restaurants and current unhealthy lifestyle of many americans. See the video for details..

Luckily for me, even though I currently suffer from a mild case of Muffin Topitis, (medical term for one suffering from the existence of muffin tops) I was able to squeeze in sideways. However, just about anyone that you might see shopping at Wal-Mart or eating at Old Country Buffet wouldn't be so lucky. Perhaps the hotel offers sponges and buckets to meet the needs of these overly insulated guests?...Maybe there is a large room with a fire hose somewhere? I'm glad I didn't have to ask.

F-ing Gym Tourists....Part 2

Well here it is...the long awaited part 2 to my gym tourists post.


3. The Locker Room Exhibitionist- While I've only had experience with the men's locker room, (despite my efforts to sneak in to the women's) I'm pretty sure that this issue occurs with both sexes. These individuals insist on being naked any chance they get. This behavior isn't just limited to tourists, but it's heinous enough that it's worth mentioning. Usually, the older and less attractive the person, the more likely they are to be an offender. Shaving? Naked. Sauna? Naked. Conversations with other people in the locker room? Naked. Using the urinal? Naked. (AND barefoot....which in my opinion is almost worse than the naked part) Here's the deal. No one, I repeat, no one, wants to see your old hairy balls...Not even that creepy sex starved gay guy that's always lurking around the showers. The gym has stacks of towels everywhere...WEAR ONE. Basically, when I'm in the locker room, I want to change my clothes and leave. I don't want to have a conversation with you. I really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked. And...I really really really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked and doing your best "got a little captain in you" pose. Ewwww.


4. The slob- This one I just don't get. You're in a health club...not a frat house. These tourists seem to think that the entire gym is their bedroom floor. They leave their sweaty clothes and towels all over the floor of the locker room. They have towels on multiple pieces of equipment, they leave the weights, giant ball things and other equipment wherever they want. The other day I had to go through an obstacle course of magazines, newspapers, jacket and water bottle some Douchebag had all around the narrow aisle between the cardio machines.

5. The Budger- Taking turns...we all learned about it in Kindergarten. It's really not a hard concept. If someone is on a machine and using it, then steps off to rest, there is a good chance they plan on using it again. If you would like to use that machine, ASK THE PERSON IF THEY ARE DONE!!! It's not complicated. "ARE YOU DONE?" That's it, that's all you have to say. If someone has their towel next to a machine and turn their back for 5 seconds while resting between sets, that does not mean you can jump in and change all the settings on the machine. You can ask, "Mind if I work in?" and alternate....perfectly acceptable. But, if you just jump in and start doing your stuff and interrupt what the other person was doing, you're a tourist.....and an ass. Also, while we're on the topic, this goes for equipment that has multiple uses. For example, if someone is on the chin up bar doing chin ups, wait till they are done before you jump on the other side and start doing dips. Your fat ass shakes the whole thing and it's really distracting.

6. The Couch Potato- This is the final offender that I'm going to mention. This is the person that does 45 minutes on the most popular machine during peak time at the gym. The catch however, is that 5 minutes of it is exercising and the other 40 is standing there to watch the rest of the TV show that's on. The TV's on the machines are a convenience for the people exercising, not for just standing there and watching. Judging by your current level of physical fitness, I'm fairly certain that you have a perfectly good TV at home....and you spend plenty of time sitting in front of it. If you just want to watch TV, you don't need to put on all your fancy clothes, have a naked conversation in the locker room, get on your cell phone, and jump on the already in use tread mill that the person just stepped off to refill their water to watch that episode of Jersey Shore. Just stay home. Everyone will be much happier that way.

Hands Free for All?

So, as many of you know, due to the dangers of cell phone usage while driving, many states have made cell phone usage while driving a punishable offense. In order to use a cell phone while driving, drivers must use some type of hands free device. My understanding is that this allows the driver to keep both hands on the wheel. It also helps the driver keep their eyes on the road and not looking away. There are signs all over the place that talk about using hands free devices while driving. Fair enough, I totally support this initiative.

This brings us to my thought of the day. If two deaf people are driving together in a car, should they be allowed to talk to each other? Oddly enough, I haven't seen a "sign" for that...

Thir Dee Won...

Well today was the big day. I am officially 31 years old. Yeah, I agree, pretty old. On my flight to Sacramento last night (longest 3 and a half hour flight ever...ugh) I started thinking about the number 31. So, tonight is going to be an educational look into the number 31.

7 of the months have 31 days.

Baskin and Robbins has 31 flavors.

The average ruler is 31 centimeters long. (yes, if you round up just a hair...but it's more than 30, so it counts)

My waist is 31 inches. (I buy 32 pants cause I like a little extra room)

31 is a prime number.

31 is the country code for the Netherlands.

31 is the atomic number for the element Gallium.

While I agree this is not particularly funny as most of my posts aim to be....with age, comes wisdom....so I thought I'd share a little wisdom with you as some more age comes to me.

After the Fact....

Putting on your turn signal after you have changed lanes is about a useful as wiping your ass before you poop. I know what you just did, I don't need the replay.


Jewbonified--- "I thought next time you could maybe let me know before you cut over into my lane?"

Ups and Downs....

The top or the bottom of an escalator is just about the worst place possible to stop and figure out which way you need to go. (The same goes for those moving walkway things.)


P.S. Let's not leave out the people that stand right in front of the elevator or subway doors blocking the people trying to get out. God that's annoying.

In Good Taste...

If the food you are eating is delicious, please offer me a taste. If it is horrible, please do not. Why do so many people have this completely backwards? "Ewwww....this is gross....taste this." Stupid.

A Tight Squeeze...

Why is it that some women are able to fit a size 14 ass into a size 10 pair of pants, but are completely incapable of getting a 6ft wide SUV into an 8ft wide parking space?

Helping my Homeless Homeboys...

You may remember my encounter with the residentially challenged gentleman in San Francisco. If not, read this first. I think about lots of things as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog. I find myself having the same recurring thought from time to time...What would I do if I were homeless? Have you ever thought about it? I have, especially in times like these where it seems like people are losing their jobs and their houses left and right. Fortunately for Schnooze and me, we're lucky enough to both have jobs so we're not really at risk...but still, I think about it. The other day I had a breakthrough in my "what if I were homeless" thoughts.

So, here it is, my advice to the homeless:

Join a healthclub. Yup, join a healthclub. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Well, here are my supporting arguments.

• Healthclubs are typically open long hours. For example, mine is open from 5am to 9:30pm. That means there would be less than 8 hours a day where you'd have to find somewhere else to be.

• The average cost for a healthclub membership for an entire month is between $50 and $75. The average cost for a single night at a hotel is at least $50. Rent for a cheap apartment is at least $300 a month. The healthclub is by far the cheapest choice for the maximum amount of shelter...typically nice shelter too. Leather couches and all that. Earning $50-$75 a month can't be that hard. That would be just over $2 a day in beggings.

• Healthclubs have showers. Those showers are stocked with soap, shampoo and conditioner. The sinks have combs, razors, mouthwash and shaving cream. Essentially all of your hygene needs would be met...for free.

• Healthclubs often have laundry service for an additional fee. (It's $20 a month at mine) Since it's done daily, that means all you'd need are two outfits. Less than $1 a day in beggings.
  

• There's also free coffee and water. That covers all your beverage needs. Food shouldn't be too hard with all the $1 menus these days. Raise your beggings to $4 a day and you'll be able to eat pretty well. In fact, if you join a healthclub near a Costco, (or grocery store) "sample walks" as I call them can practically be a full meal.

• There is a lounge, a pool, a sauna, steam room, excercise room, and classes to attend. That should keep you occupied (not to mention healthy and squeaky clean) from 5am to 9:30pm. Being in so many different places will make it hard for people to tell you've been there all day.
  

• There's always somewhere you can sleep from 9:30pm to 5am. For example, my healthclub has a heated garage. No one would ever notice you there. Zzzzzzzzzz.

• Healthclubs are full of people that are pretty motivated. Not only with respect to their physical fitness, but in other aspects of their life as well. That means they probably have ongoing projects that they may need help with. Remodeling, yardwork, etc. There will be plenty of opportunities for some work on the side or a free meal here and there. This could offset the need for the $4 a day beggings.

So there it is, for a mere $50-$75 a month all your health, hygene and shelter needs can be met. Homelessness solved. Next up, I think I'll solve Racism. How hard could that be.

I was speechless...

Yeah, you read that right. Me...JewBoy...Speechless.

It was a few years ago, My dad, his friend, his friend's son and I went to San Diego for the night. It was time for dinner and we drove into La Jolla. (A very upscale area of San Diego) There was an area with 4 nice restaurants. We pulled up to the Valet in my dad's friend's brand new Cadillac and felt like trailer trash. It looked like an exotic car showroom. Vintage Rolls Royces, Bentleys, Ferraris, Porsches and so on. Unbelievable. Anyway, we picked the Italian restaurant. We were seated, and began chatting. This was typical guy chat...dirty jokes, critiques of the women in the restaurant, whose were real, whose were after-market, you know, the usual. As you know from reading previous posts, my dad and I have a pretty inappropriate sense of humor. His friend and his son were no different. We noticed a table with a large party about 20 feet away that became the topic of discussion. There was an older man who everyone entering the restaurant shook hands with or kissed. There were several females, some attractive and some very attractive. I think there was a couple of other people too...who knows, they're not important to the story. I think it goes without saying that our conversation was fairly "colorful".

Then it happened.

We were pretty engrossed in our conversation when out of nowhere, a woman came over to our table and put her hand on my dad's shoulder. She looked at all of us and said... "I just have to tell you guys that you are hilarious." Huh? She went on to say she had a couple of brothers so she knew what it was like and thought it was funny and just wanted to tell us. Huh? Then she dropped the bomb and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, let me explain. I work at the national institute for the deaf and am a professional lip reader. I have been sitting at that table over there and read everything you guys said. But, it's not me that got implants, it's the other girl and yes she does some modeling. The old guy's not Mafia, but his relative is..." and all the crap we were talking about.

Yes, she repeated all of the topics from our entire conversation to us, word for word. Then she said, "Have a great night" and returned to her table. We were all absolutely speechless and afraid to say another word. We had to quickly think up a strategy, this was too good not to talk about.

Anything on the table became our shield from the lip reader. Menus, napkins, pretending to wipe our faces while we talked, they were all sneaky tricks to keep our conversation to ourselves. Our stealthy skills must have worked because we were able to eat our (very delicious) meal and leave without the mafia brother, or whoever else was at that table kicking our asses for all the shit we were talking.


The moral of the story: Always watch what you say...because you never know who else might.

If It Were Up To Me...

After yesterday's filth, tonight will be a cleaner post.

I think we've all been there. You're in a situation and you think to yourself, "If it were up to me..."

Well here's how some things would be if it were up to me.

1. All spoons would have a rubber squeegee edge on one side. That way I could get all of the ice cream out of the bowl.

2. All car doors would slide open like mini vans or Lamborghini's. Door dings really piss me off.

3. Toilet paper would be banned and replaced everywhere with the far superior wet wipes. Thousands of years of civilization and no one has found a better way to wipe your ass than a wad of thin dry paper?

4. Car stereo stores would run a permanent sale. Buy 2 or more sub-woofers, get a free vasectomy.

5. Pizza, nachos and bacon would have the same nutritional value and be just as healthy as spinach, carrots and bananas...so I would have no muffin tops.

6. Wegmans would be a national chain..no, an international chain...no, an intergalactic chain.

7. Airplanes would have a small section of seats surrounded by soundproof glass. That is where all passengers under the age of 10 would sit.

8. You would never be able to see a Starbucks while in another Starbucks.

9. Towels around the waist would be mandatory in every men's locker room when doing anything besides showering. If men want to shave, brush their teeth, make phone calls and talk to people naked, they can join a nudist colony. No one wants to see old hairy balls.

10. Internet access would be blocked for all Nigerian royalty.


11. The Adventures of JewBoy and Schnoozle would win the Bloscar (Oscar for blogs) for best blog ever.

Schnoozle's Thought of the Day: Paparazzi

If I were famous and had paparazzi following me, I would carry a camera around and take pictures of them. Then I'd post it on my blog.