Sunday, February 28, 2010

There....I fixed it.

I've always considered myself a fairly handy person. Considering I did manage to get a degree in engineering, I should be. So, I found this to be particularly amusing. Some of you may have received the email forward titled "There, I fixed it." It's a series of pictures of "fixes" other people had made that, let's just say, were focused much more on function than form. I put some of my favorites into this little collage. I encourage you to click on the image so you can see a larger version of it.

This brings us to yesterday. While returning to our car in the parking garage, I came across this gem. Again, click on the image to see it larger.

Clearly, the owner of this vehicle was in some sort of accident that destroyed the front driver's side of their vehicle. Deciding that the cost to properly repair the damage was too much, they fixed it themselves....with what appears to be a cut up Rubbermaid tote. Note the attention to detail that was made to have these random pieces of plastic fit properly. Also note the exquisite use of zip ties to hold everything together. And of course, let's not forget the must have ingredient to any half assed, botched, vehicle repair job....the duct tape. Bravo!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My Breast Idea Yet....

Well, I've done it again. I've come up with yet another incredible idea. There has been a big movement lately for people to eat healthy, natural foods. I think it's fair to say that no food is more healthy, or natural, than breast milk. Now before you think I'm totally crazy...relax, I'm talking about for babies. While I'm sure there are some freakshow adults out there that have a breast milk fetish, that's not where I'm going with this post.

The first year or so of a baby's life is one of the most important for nutrition and growth. It's a well known fact that breast milk is just about the best thing you can feed a baby. This is clearly an untapped market. While many women would like to breast feed, they are either unable, or unwilling to do it. Maybe they can't produce milk, maybe it's too uncomfortable for them, maybe they don't want their bodies to suffer the traumatic effects that breast feeding can cause, maybe they just want to get back to their pre-pregnancy boozing...who cares? The point is, these guilt ridden (or possibly just selfish) are gonna be willing to pay top dollar to give their kids the best. And that's what I'm gonna give them. No more powder from a can for your little loved one...

I'd like to introduce:

Gourmammory Milks
The Only Gourmet, Packaged Breast Milks Available on the Market Today.

That's right, I'm talking about a full line of upscale, gourmet breast milk. Why not? Every other food is coming out in organic, natural versions, why not breast milk? These milks would be from a variety of lactating ladies, all closely supervised (by me of course) to ensure the highest quality of each of the varieties of breast milks. Each variety/vintage would come with a full description of the "donor" and their diet. The initial varieties would include milk from women with the following diets:

  • Meat Eaters
  • Vegetarian
  • Vegan
  • Organic
  • Raw
  • And of course...Kosher
Custom orders can be placed for any combination of the above from women of any age, ethnicity, or lifestyle choice. Applications are also being accepted for donors. Applications that do not include a picture will be ignored.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Whatcha Want? A Cookie?

If there were an Olympics for Grandmas, I'm pretty sure baking cookies would be a major event. It's just one of those things that Grandmas seem to do. You may remember a previous post highlighting some cookies that my mother (who is also a she counts too) had baked...and the amusing scanner story that accompanied it. Don't remember? Read it here.

Cookie baking, cookie decoration, cheek pinching, knitting, soup making, etc. All Grandma Olympic worthy events.

Well, tonight I would like to submit my candidate for the Grandma Olympics cookie baking event. This event highlights the quantity of cookies baked, variety of cookies and age of Grandmother. Grandmas would have 4 hours to bake as many cookies in as many different varieties as possible. Scoring would be as follows-

1 point per cookie baked.
3 points per variety of cookie.
The Grandma's age mulitplied by 5.

For example if a grandma baked 200 cookies, of 5 different varieties and was 70 years old, her score would be as follows.

200 cookies x 1 point each + 5 varieties x 3 points + 5 points per year of age (70) =
200 + 15 + 350 = 465 points.

I would like to submit the following contestant. While she isn't technically my Grandmother, she is the Mother of my Father's wife, so that's close enough. (She's also a legitimate Grandmother, of one that makes it really official) As if that weren't enough, she's also 90 years old. That means according to my official Grandma Olympics scoring rules, she starts out with 450 points. If she baked a measly 16 cookies, she would have beaten the example Grandma above. But...15 cookies are no match for her. Don't believe me? Check out the evidence....

Consider this the qualifying picture. That is her freezer. Yes, it is an incredible, awesome freezer. And inside of that freezer in every single one of those Ziploc containers are cookies. All 30+ containers are jam packed full of cookies that she made from scratch. Did I mention she's 90!?!? The equally giant door to the right is the refrigerator. Each one is about 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide.

What more proof do I need? A freezer full of cookies is standard in just about any Grandmother's house. But I dare you to find one that's as big, or as full of cookies as this one. It's like the holy grail of Grandma freezers. Gingerbread, Almond Squares, Chocolate Chip, Butter, Fruit name it, they're in there.

Mark your calendars, Minneapolis- 2011 The Grandma Olympics. Got a Grandma you want to enter? Send me her resume. Got an event you think is Grandma Olympic worthy? Post it in the comments.

And yes, Mom, you can compete.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

When One Door Closes...

So, I have decided to bestow upon you once again, more of my ridiculous ramblings. First, we'll start with a new philosophy that I have come up with.

Here goes:

I have decided that there are basically two types of people in this world. (besides men and women) You're either someone that does, or doesn't.....fart in a crowded elevator. (More specifically, a crowded elevator of strangers...cause we all know that if you're with a group of your's pretty hilarious) I mean really, what better way to separate people? You either give a damn about the people around you and have some semblance of manners and courtesy, or, you decide that the well being of the people around you is of no concern to you. Basically, you're either an asshole, or you're not. I just think this is a more creative way to describe it.

Since it's been a while, I'll spoil you with a couple of words of the day as well.

The inability to sleep without your spouse in the bed with you. As used in a sentence- "I've been traveling quite a bit lately and the wife is totally suffering from Inspousia. I'm gonna have to log some serious snuggle time or she's gonna be a total cranky pants."

Sinkoustics: The unexplained acoustic phenomenon that makes it absolutely impossible for you to hear what your spouse is saying while the water in the sink is running. It doesn't matter if they're right there in the next'll be able to hear that they're talking, but be completely unable to hear what it is that they are saying.

And...on a somewhat related topic:

Conversinktion: The unexplained phenomenon that causes your spouse to wait right until the moment you turn on the sink to start to talk to you from the bedroom. This inevitably leads to...

Spouse 1: (Right as the sink turns on)- Murm murh murm murh..

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: Murmmm muhr mur murrrm murh..

Spouse 2: What?!?!

Spouse 1: Murhm mur murhm murh muhmm

Spouse 2: What?!?!?

Spouse 1: GOD! Nevermind.....jeez, you never listen!