Monday, March 30, 2009

Still Can't Fix Stupid...

So I got an email today that just made me shake my head in disbelief. It was from a dealership where I took my big car for an oil change not too long ago. Apparently the general manager had the brilliant marketing idea to send a crafty email to all of their service customers. Fair enough. Unfortunately, this is the e-turd that he composed and sent out. It was just too easy and I couldn't resist, so I sent the reply you see below. I have changed the names to protect the innocent. (and when I say innocent, I mean stupid)

Click on the pictures to make them larger:


The brilliance:



My Reply:



I know it's hard to believe, but I have not yet received a response from Mr. Bagadonuts. I have a pretty good feeling I won't.


On a side note, the blog has made me a whopping $1.49 so far today. Thanks everyone and keep clicking!!! (yes mom, these ads are ok to click on...just close them after they open)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Twenty Seven Cents...



That's right $0.27...and it's all mine. How is it all mine you may ask? Well, look to the left. That's right, there's an advertisement there. I really have no idea how it works. There was a new tab on the setup screen on my blog next to Posting, Settings and Layout called "Monetize". Naturally, my eyes lit up. I signed up to link my blog to something called Adsense and that was it. They put "content sensitive ads" on my blog and when people click on them, I get paid. This is kind of a double bonus. First off, I get paid for people to read my blog. I've spent all this time working on my blog. Now, my blog is working for me. Second, they put "content sensitive ads" on the blog. This is really one of Google's claims to fame, targeted advertising. The best part is, as I'm sure you have noticed, my blog postings are pretty much ridiculous. So, the ads that show up are pretty funny. For example, I had a posting about how joining a healthclub is a great way for homeless people to combat their difficult situation. Under that post was an advertisement to support a foundation that supports the homeless and the hungry. So, if anyone disagrees with my solution for homelessness, they can just go ahead and help fix it themselves. It's win-win for everyone. The targeted, "relevant" ads for my ridiculous stories should be amusing.

So why $0.27? Well, that's how much money my blog has generated for me today...and it's only the second day.

So, to you...all my loyal readers...Click your hearts out. Click on all the ads. I don't care if you buy anything, but just click and click on them. Look at them, read them all. Think of it this way, the more money my blog makes for me, the less I have to work. The less I have to work, the more time I can devote to my blog. The more time I devote, the better and more creative the blog will be...and you, loyal reader, reap the benefits.

Happy Clicking!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Helping my Homeless Homeboys...

You may remember my encounter with the residentially challenged gentleman in San Francisco. If not, read this first. I think about lots of things as I'm sure you've noticed from this blog. I find myself having the same recurring thought from time to time...What would I do if I were homeless? Have you ever thought about it? I have, especially in times like these where it seems like people are losing their jobs and their houses left and right. Fortunately for Schnooze and me, we're lucky enough to both have jobs so we're not really at risk...but still, I think about it. The other day I had a breakthrough in my "what if I were homeless" thoughts.

So, here it is, my advice to the homeless:



Join a healthclub. Yup, join a healthclub. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Well, here are my supporting arguments.
  • Healthclubs are typically open long hours. For example, mine is open from 5am to 9:30pm. That means there would be less than 8 hours a day where you'd have to find somewhere else to be.
  • The average cost for a healthclub membership for an entire month is between $50 and $75. The average cost for a single night at a hotel is at least $50. Rent for a cheap apartment is at least $300 a month. The healthclub is by far the cheapest choice for the maximum amount of shelter...typically nice shelter too. Leather couches and all that. Earning $50-$75 a month can't be that hard. That would be just over $2 a day in beggings.
  • Healthclubs have showers. Those showers are stocked with soap, shampoo and conditioner. The sinks have combs, razors, mouthwash and shaving cream. Essentially all of your hygene needs would be met...for free.
  • Healthclubs often have laundry service for an additional fee. (It's $20 a month at mine) Since it's done daily, that means all you'd need are two outfits. Less than $1 a day in beggings.
  • There's also free coffee and water. That covers all your beverage needs. Food shouldn't be too hard with all the $1 menus these days. Raise your beggings to $4 a day and you'll be able to eat pretty well. In fact, if you join a healthclub near a Costco, (or grocery store) "sample walks" as I call them can practically be a full meal.
  • There is a lounge, a pool, a sauna, steam room, excercise room, and classes to attend. That should keep you occupied (not to mention healthy and squeaky clean) from 5am to 9:30pm. Being in so many different places will make it hard for people to tell you've been there all day.
  • There's always somewhere you can sleep from 9:30pm to 5am. For example, my healthclub has a heated garage. No one would ever notice you there. Zzzzzzzzzz.
  • Healthclubs are full of people that are pretty motivated. Not only with respect to their physical fitness, but in other aspects of their life as well. That means they probably have ongoing projects that they may need help with. Remodeling, yardwork, etc. There will be plenty of opportunities for some work on the side or a free meal here and there. This could offset the need for the $4 a day beggings.
So there it is, for a mere $50-$75 a month all your health, hygene and shelter needs can be met. Homelessness solved. Next up, I think I'll solve Racism. How hard could that be.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Good Till The Last Drop...

So as you all know, I'm always looking for a good deal. (As I mentioned in an earlier post with the lesser known 11th commandment of my people- Thou shalt never pay retail.) However, I'm just as adamant about getting my money's worth. You may remember from If It Were Up To Me, that I had an idea for a spoon with a squeegee on one side so I would be able to eat all the ice cream out of the bowl. I don't want any of that delicious ice cream to go to waste. Especially if I have paid for it.

Well, I have another great trick for you. In my endless effort to always get my money's worth, I have devised this ingenious technique. I'm not just going to tell you what it is though...I'm gonna make it even better, I'm going to show you! That's right, a live performance!

Here it is...



video



Yes, I am 30 years old. Yes, I still drink chocolate milk. So what?



Special thanks to Schnoozle for filming this masterpiece.

Anyone notice the shirt?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Supermarket Stumpers...

So I went to the Grocery store today and came across a couple of things that, well, kind of stumped me. The first item had a couple of things that made me scratch my head. See the image below. (Click on it for a larger view and to read my notes.)



As you may know, I love pizza. Especially NYC style pizza...we've covered this in My Ode To Pizza. So naturally, a product like this caught my eye. However, there are a couple of interesting things going on here. First of all, it was in the Kosher-Foods frozen food case of the grocery store. You can see from the circled U on the bottom left of the box (indicating that it is kosher) and the Hebrew letters in the company name on the top left of the box, that this product has received many a rabbinical thumbs up. What concerned me were two other things. First of all, this box of New York Style pizza slices (and all of the others in the freezer case) comes with a free burrito. WTF? Why would a Kosher NYC style frozen come with a free burrito? I mean, don't get me wrong, I think it's safe to say that the "target audience" for a product like this is going to appreciate an additional free item more than most. But a burrito? Someone in the marketing department was way off on this one. The demand for burritos among the Jewish community is about as prevelant as the demand for Matzah balls among the Mexican community. Dumb. But that's not all that's odd about this picture. As you may remember, this was in the Kosher foods freezer. Now, for those of you that are familiar with the laws of kashrut, you may have already noticed. Yes, to the left of the Kosher NYC style Rabbi approved pizzas is a large display of frozen shrimp. Shrimp are about as kosher as a bacon cheeseburger. This is right up there with the Hanukkah display at Walgreens that I spoke of in Jew Don't Know Me.


Next we have this one: (Again, click on the picture for the full image.)



This is a can of Grape Crush...easily one of my favorite beverages. MinuteMaid, Twister, Welch's grape sodas...they're all CRAP! They all taste like liquid children's Tylenol to me. Grape Crush however, is a vastly superior soda. So as I've indicated, the ingredients clearly list "Grape Juice Concentrate". But then, above the nutritional information, in bold, clearly states "Contains No Juice". Are you as confused as I am? Last I checked, Grape Juice Concentrate was considered juice. I have sent a letter to the Dr. Pepper Snapple Group (Current Owners of the Crush brand). The letter stated:

Dear Dr. Pepper Snapple Group,

While enjoying a delicious can of your Grape Crush soda today, I noticed that grape juice concentrate was listed as an ingredient. Then I noticed that the can said "Contains No Juice". So...Which one is it?

JewBoy

The web form promised a response to all questions, so we'll see what they have to say for themselves.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Hairy Situation...

Anyone who lives with a woman with long hair is reminded of it constantly...even if she is not there. The reason that they are reminded is because the hair ends up everywhere. The bathroom floor, pillows, laundry, sink, sheets, everywhere. However, there is one place where it really collects...the hairbrush. Every morning I have the same battle with the hairbrush...as illustrated below...


This is the hairbrush:


As you can see, it's full of hair. Ugh.


So this is what happens to JewBoy:



I use the hairbrush and Schnoozle's hair comes out of it and gets into my hair. Then I have random long hairs stuck in my hair and I have to pull them out and it tickles...especially around my ear. I try to pull the hair out of the brush, but it's a pain in the ass.

So as usual, I have devised a brilliant solution. I call it the RemoovHair. It's a hairbrush that automatically removes the hair that gets stuck in it.

See below:



It's a normal hairbrush with a switch that slides up and down. When it slides up, it makes the metal band under the brush part push up against the base of the bristles. The base of the bristles slides up the bristles and pushes all the hair out.

Looks like this:




Viola! The hair pops out of the brush and it's clean and ready for JewBoy to use. No more annoying long hairs that tickle my ear. And NO! I am not going to buy my own hairbrush. You should know by now that I'm way to cheap for that.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Oh man...I HATE doing that...

I wouldn't say that I hate housework, there's just a few specific jobs that I hate, like really hate. Two of those jobs are taking the garbage out and making the bed. The reason that I hate these two jobs the most is because of the unique challenges they create. So as you can imagine, I have devised a better and more clever way to deal with these chores. See below:

Making the bed. The biggest problem here is that the sheets slide all over. You pull them on one side and then they slide to the other. Then, they aren't even and you have to walk around the bed three times to adjust it. Here's my solution- BedSnaps.



So here's the basic idea. The bottom sheet attaches to one side of the bed. The Top sheet attaches to the bottom. Then, the comforter attaches to the other side. Now, making the bed is as easy as 1,2,3. You'd make it the same way you close a box. Pull the bottom sheet over, then pull the top sheet up, then pull the comforter over from the other side. The bed is made, everything is perfectly even. Awesome!

Now, on to taking out the garbage. We bought one of those fancy "Simple Human" garbage cans. It is my conclusion that "Simple Human" was invented by "Stupid Designer". Here's the problem....



The main problem is that as the garbage bag fills up, it creates an airtight seal with the can that it is in. So, when you try to pull the bag out, it creates a vacuum at the bottom of the can and the bag is impossible to pull out. (Especially when you've been smushing and smushing it down.) As you pull and pull to get the bag out, the bag can stretch and tear. Then the bag leaks or things fall out and JewBoy gets very super pissed. This problem is soooo easy to fix that it makes me angry that they didn't design it this way. See below....The FlowCan-




Yeah, it's that simple. Drill a couple of holes in the bottom of the can. Now, there is no vacuum, so the air can flow in as the bag comes out. The bag slides out easily and JewBoy doesn't get pissed. Why am I the only person thinking of these things?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Eat Your Heart Out...

I do my best to make this not a boring diary of what goes on in my life. There are plenty of other blogs out there you can read if that's what you are looking for. However, yesterday was a pretty cool experience that I feel is worth detailing. Perhaps it will inspire some of you to do something similar...especially if you never knew you could.

So, for those of you that don't know, yesterday (the 13th) was our 6 month wedding anniversary. Yes, I remembered (Schnoozle did not, but I will let it slide since she had just gotten back from a week in India) and yes I realize that it's pretty gay that I remembered. Thanks to all my co-workers for reminding of that. So, I picked up Schnoozle from the airport at 6pm. She'd been flying for about 24 hours. We got home, she finally got comfy on the couch when I informed her that it was time to go out to dinner. Here's how that conversation went...

JewBoy: Dinner time.

Schnoozle: No way, I am too tired and don't feel well.

JewBoy: I'm sure you are. Ok, let's go to dinner.

Schnoozle: There's no way I am going anywhere, I'm beat.

JewBoy: Well, that's kind of the thing, I'm not asking, I'm telling. We're going.

Schnoozle: You're out of your mind.

JewBoy: I may have planned something that we have to go to.

Schnoozle: Why would you plan something on the day I got back from India?

JewBoy: Because I didn't know you were going to India when I planned it and it's too late to cancel. We're going....suck it up.

This continued for a few more minutes until I explained to Schnoozle that it was in fact our 6 month anniversary and I had made very special reservations that we really couldn't get out of. What were they? Well, a great little restaurant here called Heidi's has a new thing called a chef's table. Basically, you get to sit at a private table in the prep area of the kitchen and the executive chef serves you an 8 course tasting menu of very special ingredients, accompanied by perfectly paired wines. Being the foodies that we are, I thought it would be perfect. Schnoozle having to go to India however, was not. To say the least, she was not pleased about having to get dressed and go out...

Finally she agreed to go and this is what we had for an incredible dinner... (The picture quality is a little crappy since they were taken with my phone and the lighting was weird)


1st Course: Veal Carpaccio with an oyster fritter, served with a kim-chi mayo. (Paired with a Cava, Montsarra, Brut, Penedes)



2nd Course: Cucumber, beet and endive salad with beet puree, beet powder and a soy vinaigrette. (Paired with a Riesling, Mittnacht-Klack, Alsace 2002)




3rd Course: Winter greens with shaved foi gras, crispy potato sticks, chives and a pistachio oil dressing.



4th Course: Homemade papardelle pasta with fresh black truffles, in a butter sauce. This was then drizzled with Armando Manni Olive Oil. This is no normal olive oil, there are only 9 restaurants in the US that are allowed to purchase this oil from the maker and I got to eat it. Wow! (Paired with a Pinot Noir, Domaine Michel Noƫllat et Fils, Burgundy 2003)




5th Course: Steamed Salmon with crab salad, peruvian purple mashed potatoes, passion fruit sauce, sage foam and cayenne powder. (Paired with a Cabernet-Tempranillo, Vega Sindoa, Navarra 2006)



6th Course: Braised Lamb with star anise and soy sauce, on a bed of wild rice cabbage salad and topped with puffed rice.



7th Course: Dessert Tri0- Homemade Chocolate sorbet on a flourless chocolate cake. Sweet potato benaise with a reduced maple syrup cream sauce. Red wine poached pear with fresh creme englaise. (Paired with a Madiera, New York Malmsey, Rare Wine Company)



8th Course- Belgian Endive, pineapple and chive salad with a lemon olive oil dressing, served with super fancy stilton bleu cheese mixed with port wine. I'm not gonna lie, I can't handle bleu cheese, it's way too strong for me, but Schnoozle said it was good.



So yeah, that was our dinner. We felt like we were judges on Iron Chef. Needless to say, Schnoozle got over having to go out and I scored some serious Hubby Points.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Vocabulating...




Got a few words of the day for you. The first one was a suggestion from a friend of mine. He was describing a common and awkward situation many people find themselves in when in an elevator.

Elevoidance- The half-assed attempt when someone is coming towards the elevator that people make to reach towards the button that holds the door open. Then, they pretend that it was too late and the doors were already closing, followed by the expression on their face that says- "Oh, so sorry, I tried, I really did, you'll have to catch the next one. "

This next one is a battle I find myself facing all the time. In my endless search for good deals, I often find myself in the following situation.

Freesources- Connections people have that allow them to get things for free that most people have to pay for. Used in a sentence: "Well, it looks like I've exhausted all my freesources and we'll actually have to pay for our drinks tonight."


And finally, filling and emptying your tank...

Nozzillating- The act of shaking the the gas pump once it shuts off with hopes of getting a few more free drops of gas. This is very similar to the strategy used by men after urinating to ensure that the last few dripppies end up in the toilet and not their underwear.

This is sometimes followed by Hosillating (ho-zil-a-ting) by the more aggressive penny pinching fuelers, where the person lifts the entire hose to empty its contents into their tank. While this has no direct counterpart in the world of male urination, the "squeeze and pull" is pretty close. Guys, you know what I mean. Girls, you probably don't...but think about how you'd get that last bit of liquid out of a freezer pop. Same idea.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

That's A Lot Of Hot Air...

In my endless effort to make things more efficient, I have come up with another Mydea. Like I mentioned in Half and Half's, everything seems to be getting combined lately...especially in the bathroom. Shampoo that conditions, soap that moisturizes, toothpaste with mouthwash, you get the idea. Well, why not go one step further? Why not make the the entire process of showering more efficient. Right now, you get in, get wet, get clean, then get out, towel off and then (mostly for women) blow dry your hair. Well, I figured out a way to make the whole process better.

I call it the Showair. (shah-where) Like the laundry machines in Europe that wash and dry the clothing in the same machine, this is the same idea. It sprays water, for showering. Then it blows hot air to dry you off. No towels needed. Think of the benefit to the environment!

You would enter the shower as normal. See the illustration below of JewBoy shampooing his hair.




Then, once you are all squeaky clean. You would switch the Showair setting from water to air. It would blow out hot air and dry you off completely. No need to use a towel. No need to leave the nice warm shower and go into the cold air of the bathroom. Plus, using towels means more laundry and I hate doing laundry.




Added bonus: Since there is no more need for towels, there is a better chance of Schnoozle walking around Nudies. Sweet.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

"Inplated" Egos...


So last night I made a quick stop at Whole Foods. For those of you who aren't familiar with this store, I think my old roommate "Rubes" described it best. In his words, "It's the best place to shop if want to spend $9 on a jar of peanut butter". I also have a cousin who is a chef at one of the stores and among the employees, it's known as "Whole Paycheck". Now don't get me wrong, they have good products. Their meat and produce are very high quality. Almost as good as....well, you guessed, Wegmans. Unfortunately, as you may have seen in the video I posted in 1:19, it's about twice the price. So, it's pretty much a mecca for the tree hugging, crunchy granola, jamba juice drinking, high income hippies. It's full of those annoying people that act all smug cause they think they're single handedly saving the environment because they drive a Prius and you don't. The same people however, that also live in 6000 square foot houses with a heated pool, 3 refrigerators, multiple air conditioners and the lights on all the time. Assholes.

So, getting to the point. Last night I stopped there because they happen to carry passion fruits. My boss has been looking for fresh passion fruits unsuccessfully for some time now. Since, he's the one that decides how much bonus I get, I figured some mild ass kissing by helping him out wouldn't hurt. You've probably already figured out my opinion of the typical Whole Foods customer. So when I arrived and parked across from this, it was too perfect.





Dear Jack,

That's not a Jaguar. It's an Audi. You're not fooling anyone. Ass.

Love,

JewBoy


I could go off on a whole rant about Vanity plates. I think they're pretty stupid. Why would anyone want such easily recognizable, irrefutable proof that they were somewhere or did something. Sounds risky to me. My absolute pet peeve are the people who get a plate that says what type of car it is. Like the little pimped out Honda Civic that has a license plate that says "Civic", or the big wheeled truck with a plate that says "Chevy". Wow, how original. But, when you get a plate that lies about the type of car that you drive...That's just beyond retarded.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Offending Vicariously Through Others...

So as you may know, I have a sister. A sister who is obsessed with Disney World. She goes there about 3 times a year. Hey, everyone has their favorite place and to each their own. My sister also has two daughters. One is 5 and the other is almost 2. So, those of you familiar with family trees have probably already come to the realization that I have two nieces. On their most recent trip, (last week) my older and very outgoing niece, we'll call her "Doodle", struck up a conversation with a lady on the bus.

It went like this:

Doodle: "What's your name?"

Lady: "My name is bus lady" (I don't know what her name was, so this will have to do. It's really not an important part of the story anyway.)

Doodle: My name is Doodle.

Lady: Where do you live?

Doodle: I live in "North Care-no-lina". (transliterated in my best "Doodle-speak") Where do you live?

Lady: I live in California.

Doodle: That's where my Grampa and my Shosh live!

Lady: Is Shosh your Aunt?

Doodle: No! Schnoozle is my Aunt, she was made in Taiwan.

Lady: (Speechless...look of shock)

Doodle: She's my Aunt cause she married my Uncle Booger. (That's her nickname for me)

Lady: Why do you call him Uncle Booger?

Doodle: Cause he picks his nose a lot.


I wonder where she learned that from?

Well... someone has to carry on my warped sense humor. Looks like once again, I "picked" a winner. Isn't she adorable?





Tuesday, March 3, 2009

And I Wonder...I Wah Wah Wah Wah Wonnnnnnder....

So the other day a co worker asked, "Why do bluetooth headsets have a blue light? Who is that for?" It's a good point. The person who is using it can't see it, so why bother making it light up? It made me wonder about some other things. Here's a few...

Why are they called T-Shirts, but not V-Shorts, or even V-Pants? I mean after all, they're just as much a V as a shirt is a T.


When person A is talking on the phone and can't hear person B on the other end, why does person A talk louder? I always ask people "Are you talking louder because you can't hear them?"


Why does everyone on a conference call insist on asking the host "How are you?" Even though they just heard the 10 other people ask them the same question? On that same line of thinking, why does the answer change? (good, not bad, pretty good, doing great) Seriously, it's only been like 10 seconds.


How is that after all these years, there are still not any words that rhyme with orange? You'd think someone would have come up with something by now. Come to think of it, there aren't really any words that rhyme with Schnoozle either. I should have planned better...it makes it hard to sing songs about her. I'll keep working on it.


Bonus point to anyone who has the Del Shannon song Runaway stuck in their head from reading the title. Wanna hear it? Click Here.

Monday, March 2, 2009

A Prize For Your Patience...



Yes, I know, it's been a few days since my last post. I have been pretty busy and just didn't have the time. But, like they say, good things come to those who wait. So, today I am rewarding you with one my my funniest and easily most embarrassing stories. I've been saving it, for the just the right time. I think that time is now. I know people get a real kick out of the misfortune of others. I mean, if they didn't, how have things like America's Funniest Home Videos, Youtube, Stupidvideos.com and the countless other sources of "people getting injured videos" gotten and stayed so popular. So here it is, one of my most embarrassing moments ever, that for some reason, I have decided to make public to you. I have a feeling I will regret this someday.

Here's how it went down:

It was an ordinary day and I was hanging out at home. I was watching TV (Stevie the TV) when I decided I needed to go to the bathroom. It's always a nice change when I get to make the decision...stupid inherited tempermental stomach. So, I went and proceeded with my business. It was one of the few times when I didn't bring my laptop. Yes, I am convinced that wireless internet was created for the sole purpose of allowing people to e-poop. Trust me, anyone with a laptop and wireless internet has done it. I was just about finished when I thought to myself, "I think out of courtesy I will light a candle." It was yet another one of the moments in my life that can only be described as "seeming like a good idea at the time". As I struck the match to light it, the little head of it snapped off...after being lit. I'd say it was with laser accuracy, but let's be honest folks, it's a pretty big target...the flaming head of the match fell right on... Imagine to yourself a bowl full of fruit. Everyone at the table takes one piece of fruit and all that is left is a banana that's end is right against two apples next to each other. Can you picture that? Ok, good. The match head landed exactly in the middle of the "banana". It burned me instantly. I flicked the glowing red head into the toilet and looked down at the damage. Yup, a nice red dot where it burned me. Naturally, I would have loved to pretend that this never happened. But, that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. Why a risk you may ask? Well, as you know, Schnoozle and I are in a very loving relationship. With that kind of relationship comes the benefit of being able to have intimate relations. I think you (man or woman) can imagine the reaction if you (or your partner) came face to face....well, head to head really, with that area and saw a big red dot on it. Yeah, how do you explain that? I had no choice but to immediately tell her what had happened. I promptly exited the bathroom (after all the necessary clean up had been done of course...again, I still don't understand how wet wipes haven't become the global standard...they are wonderful) with my wounded soldier in full view. "Schnoozle!!!.....I burnt myself!!!" I yelled. She turned and saw me and a look of total defeat came over her face. (A look I have only seen one other person make, once before in my life...but that is a story for another day) Yes, this was the man she had chosen to marry...standing in front of her with an exposed and burnt member. I was hoping for at least a little sympathy, but asking for her to "kiss it to make it better" clearly wasn't the way to get it. Head down and shaking slowly side to side, she just turned, walked away and mumbled something about "achieving a whole new level of retardation".


So was it worth the wait?