Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Longest Mile...

I'm back. Took a little break cause we had lots going on, but I'm going to try to get back on this more regularly. Gonna try a few different things too....some different writing styles, maybe some poetry, alternate music lyrics, basically anything I feel like doing. After all, it's my blog, so I'll do what ever the hell I want.

Tonight is going to be an open opinion letter to the airlines....specifically their reward programs.

Dear Airlines,

Your reward programs are a steamy pile of loose bowel movement. For those of you not familiar with these programs, here's the basics. You sign up and get credit for every mile flown. Typically when you reach 25,000 miles, or 25 flights, you get elite status, 50,000 or 50 flights, you get premium elite and 75,000 or 75 flights and you are ultra premium. It varies by airline, but for most of the major ones, that's close enough. Sounds great right? No, not at all. There are so many tragic flaws in this that I could write for days. But, I'll keep it brief and then explain how I have come up with a far superior method.

Here's the problem:

Person A buys a super saver discount ticket for about $225 and flies to Miami from Seattle 4 times in a year. The 4 trips are on time and everything is good. Congratulations, you've flown over 25,000 miles and you've earned elite status...and enough miles for a free ticket that could very well be valued at over $500. was done in a total of about 36 hours of travel time and cost you a whopping $900 to do it. For the remainder of that year AND the entire next year, you get to board early, don't have to pay for checked bags and enjoy a variety of other benefits.

Person B flies from NYC to Boston, Toronto or Detroit almost every week for business. They take a total 48 flights and receive 24,000 miles ( less than 500 mile flights are rounded up to generous) and still don't have enough miles for one free ticket. In addition, shorter business flights like that are usually very the $400-$1000 range. So, person B spent well over 150 hours traveling, encountered countless delays (US Customs being one of them) spent well over $15,000 on tickets and has the exact same level of "Eliteness" as Person A.

That, my friends, is horse shit. Wet, hay-filled, stinky, splattered all over the pavement, horse shit.

So, as usual, I've solved the problem. Frequent flier miles aren't a reward for loyalty to an airline....which is what these programs claim to be. Now, Travel Minutes (TMs) .....that's a reward for loyalty.

Here's the program:

You get one point for every minute you spend "traveling". So, if your flight is scheduled to take off at 2:00pm, and land at 4:30pm, (150 minutes of flight time) you can expect 150 TMs. If you are delayed one hour from your expected 2:00pm departure and land at 5:30pm, you can expect 210 TMs. (150 scheduled +60 min delay = 210 TMs) Makes sense right? You get rewarded for flying the same airline, but more importantly, you are rewarded more as the level of inconvenience increases...and it will, trust me. After you've reached 2500 TMs, (which is about the equivalent of 25 short to mid length flights) you're elite and now receive 2 TMs per minute spent traveling, 5000 TMs = premium elite and 3 TMs per minute, and Ultra elite = 7500 Tms and 5 TMs per minute. It's the perfect way to reward our most loyal and most inconvenienced passengers fairly.

I really should just be in charge of everything.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Say Cheese!

So for all of you that thought I was crazy with my Breast Idea Yet, it could be worse. While I wanted to make a commercially available breast milk product for babies, this guy decided to do this....

While they may joke about a Ben and Jerry's flavor ice cream. I had a similar idea. I think frozen breast milk Popsicles could be great...especially for teething babies. Cha Ching $$$$

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Hold it. now....Hold it now...

Got a quick one for you today, just a bit of Wisdumb. If you are ever faced with some sort of task that you have to complete and need to complete it fast, do it when you have to pee really badly. You will be amazed at how fast you can get it done. Don't believe me? Go ahead, try it. Drink about 4 glasses of water. Wait about 2 hours. Now, when you feel like you're about to burst, go sort the laundry and start the washer. I guarantee you'll do it faster than you ever have before. And....if don't make it....just throw your pants in with it.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

NO FATTY CHICKS!! (or Fat Dudes)

I had the pleasure of visiting Winnipeg, Canada on Wednesday night for a work meeting. For those of you that aren't familiar with Canadian geography, (In other words...pretty much everyone that lives in the US) Winnipeg is about 200 miles north of Fargo, North Dakota. (Yes, that same frozen tundra Fargo featured in the movie Fargo.) Right here to be exact. I stayed in the historic, Fort Garry hotel. It's a very old, beautifully restored hotel. Apparently it used to be a very popular railway hotel. One thing was for sure, the rooms were designed prior to the invention of fast food restaurants and current unhealthy lifestyle of many americans. See the video for details..

Luckily for me, even though I currently suffer from a mild case of Muffin Topitis, (medical term for one suffering from the existence of muffin tops) I was able to squeeze in sideways. However, just about anyone that you might see shopping at Wal-Mart or eating at Old Country Buffet wouldn't be so lucky. Perhaps the hotel offers sponges and buckets to meet the needs of these overly insulated guests?...Maybe there is a large room with a fire hose somewhere? I'm glad I didn't have to ask.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

There....I fixed it.

I've always considered myself a fairly handy person. Considering I did manage to get a degree in engineering, I should be. So, I found this to be particularly amusing. Some of you may have received the email forward titled "There, I fixed it." It's a series of pictures of "fixes" other people had made that, let's just say, were focused much more on function than form. I put some of my favorites into this little collage. I encourage you to click on the image so you can see a larger version of it.

This brings us to yesterday. While returning to our car in the parking garage, I came across this gem. Again, click on the image to see it larger.

Clearly, the owner of this vehicle was in some sort of accident that destroyed the front driver's side of their vehicle. Deciding that the cost to properly repair the damage was too much, they fixed it themselves....with what appears to be a cut up Rubbermaid tote. Note the attention to detail that was made to have these random pieces of plastic fit properly. Also note the exquisite use of zip ties to hold everything together. And of course, let's not forget the must have ingredient to any half assed, botched, vehicle repair job....the duct tape. Bravo!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

My Breast Idea Yet....

Well, I've done it again. I've come up with yet another incredible idea. There has been a big movement lately for people to eat healthy, natural foods. I think it's fair to say that no food is more healthy, or natural, than breast milk. Now before you think I'm totally crazy...relax, I'm talking about for babies. While I'm sure there are some freakshow adults out there that have a breast milk fetish, that's not where I'm going with this post.

The first year or so of a baby's life is one of the most important for nutrition and growth. It's a well known fact that breast milk is just about the best thing you can feed a baby. This is clearly an untapped market. While many women would like to breast feed, they are either unable, or unwilling to do it. Maybe they can't produce milk, maybe it's too uncomfortable for them, maybe they don't want their bodies to suffer the traumatic effects that breast feeding can cause, maybe they just want to get back to their pre-pregnancy boozing...who cares? The point is, these guilt ridden (or possibly just selfish) are gonna be willing to pay top dollar to give their kids the best. And that's what I'm gonna give them. No more powder from a can for your little loved one...

I'd like to introduce:

Gourmammory Milks
The Only Gourmet, Packaged Breast Milks Available on the Market Today.

That's right, I'm talking about a full line of upscale, gourmet breast milk. Why not? Every other food is coming out in organic, natural versions, why not breast milk? These milks would be from a variety of lactating ladies, all closely supervised (by me of course) to ensure the highest quality of each of the varieties of breast milks. Each variety/vintage would come with a full description of the "donor" and their diet. The initial varieties would include milk from women with the following diets:

  • Meat Eaters
  • Vegetarian
  • Vegan
  • Organic
  • Raw
  • And of course...Kosher
Custom orders can be placed for any combination of the above from women of any age, ethnicity, or lifestyle choice. Applications are also being accepted for donors. Applications that do not include a picture will be ignored.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Whatcha Want? A Cookie?

If there were an Olympics for Grandmas, I'm pretty sure baking cookies would be a major event. It's just one of those things that Grandmas seem to do. You may remember a previous post highlighting some cookies that my mother (who is also a she counts too) had baked...and the amusing scanner story that accompanied it. Don't remember? Read it here.

Cookie baking, cookie decoration, cheek pinching, knitting, soup making, etc. All Grandma Olympic worthy events.

Well, tonight I would like to submit my candidate for the Grandma Olympics cookie baking event. This event highlights the quantity of cookies baked, variety of cookies and age of Grandmother. Grandmas would have 4 hours to bake as many cookies in as many different varieties as possible. Scoring would be as follows-

1 point per cookie baked.
3 points per variety of cookie.
The Grandma's age mulitplied by 5.

For example if a grandma baked 200 cookies, of 5 different varieties and was 70 years old, her score would be as follows.

200 cookies x 1 point each + 5 varieties x 3 points + 5 points per year of age (70) =
200 + 15 + 350 = 465 points.

I would like to submit the following contestant. While she isn't technically my Grandmother, she is the Mother of my Father's wife, so that's close enough. (She's also a legitimate Grandmother, of one that makes it really official) As if that weren't enough, she's also 90 years old. That means according to my official Grandma Olympics scoring rules, she starts out with 450 points. If she baked a measly 16 cookies, she would have beaten the example Grandma above. But...15 cookies are no match for her. Don't believe me? Check out the evidence....

Consider this the qualifying picture. That is her freezer. Yes, it is an incredible, awesome freezer. And inside of that freezer in every single one of those Ziploc containers are cookies. All 30+ containers are jam packed full of cookies that she made from scratch. Did I mention she's 90!?!? The equally giant door to the right is the refrigerator. Each one is about 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide.

What more proof do I need? A freezer full of cookies is standard in just about any Grandmother's house. But I dare you to find one that's as big, or as full of cookies as this one. It's like the holy grail of Grandma freezers. Gingerbread, Almond Squares, Chocolate Chip, Butter, Fruit name it, they're in there.

Mark your calendars, Minneapolis- 2011 The Grandma Olympics. Got a Grandma you want to enter? Send me her resume. Got an event you think is Grandma Olympic worthy? Post it in the comments.

And yes, Mom, you can compete.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

When One Door Closes...

So, I have decided to bestow upon you once again, more of my ridiculous ramblings. First, we'll start with a new philosophy that I have come up with.

Here goes:

I have decided that there are basically two types of people in this world. (besides men and women) You're either someone that does, or doesn't.....fart in a crowded elevator. (More specifically, a crowded elevator of strangers...cause we all know that if you're with a group of your's pretty hilarious) I mean really, what better way to separate people? You either give a damn about the people around you and have some semblance of manners and courtesy, or, you decide that the well being of the people around you is of no concern to you. Basically, you're either an asshole, or you're not. I just think this is a more creative way to describe it.

Since it's been a while, I'll spoil you with a couple of words of the day as well.

The inability to sleep without your spouse in the bed with you. As used in a sentence- "I've been traveling quite a bit lately and the wife is totally suffering from Inspousia. I'm gonna have to log some serious snuggle time or she's gonna be a total cranky pants."

Sinkoustics: The unexplained acoustic phenomenon that makes it absolutely impossible for you to hear what your spouse is saying while the water in the sink is running. It doesn't matter if they're right there in the next'll be able to hear that they're talking, but be completely unable to hear what it is that they are saying.

And...on a somewhat related topic:

Conversinktion: The unexplained phenomenon that causes your spouse to wait right until the moment you turn on the sink to start to talk to you from the bedroom. This inevitably leads to...

Spouse 1: (Right as the sink turns on)- Murm murh murm murh..

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: Murmmm muhr mur murrrm murh..

Spouse 2: What?!?!

Spouse 1: Murhm mur murhm murh muhmm

Spouse 2: What?!?!?

Spouse 1: GOD! Nevermind.....jeez, you never listen!

Monday, January 11, 2010

F-ing Gym Tourists....Part 2

Well here it is...the long awaited part 2 to my gym tourists post.

3. The Locker Room Exhibitionist- While I've only had experience with the men's locker room, (despite my efforts to sneak in to the women's) I'm pretty sure that this issue occurs with both sexes. These individuals insist on being naked any chance they get. This behavior isn't just limited to tourists, but it's heinous enough that it's worth mentioning. Usually, the older and less attractive the person, the more likely they are to be an offender. Shaving? Naked. Sauna? Naked. Conversations with other people in the locker room? Naked. Using the urinal? Naked. (AND barefoot....which in my opinion is almost worse than the naked part) Here's the deal. No one, I repeat, no one, wants to see your old hairy balls...Not even that creepy sex starved gay guy that's always lurking around the showers. The gym has stacks of towels everywhere...WEAR ONE. Basically, when I'm in the locker room, I want to change my clothes and leave. I don't want to have a conversation with you. I really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked. And...I really really really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked and doing your best "got a little captain in you" pose. Ewwww.

4. The slob- This one I just don't get. You're in a health club...not a frat house. These tourists seem to think that the entire gym is their bedroom floor. They leave their sweaty clothes and towels all over the floor of the locker room. They have towels on multiple pieces of equipment, they leave the weights, giant ball things and other equipment wherever they want. The other day I had to go through an obstacle course of magazines, newspapers, jacket and water bottle some Douchebag had all around the narrow aisle between the cardio machines.

5. The Budger- Taking turns...we all learned about it in Kindergarten. It's really not a hard concept. If someone is on a machine and using it, then steps off to rest, there is a good chance they plan on using it again. If you would like to use that machine, ASK THE PERSON IF THEY ARE DONE!!! It's not complicated. "ARE YOU DONE?" That's it, that's all you have to say. If someone has their towel next to a machine and turn their back for 5 seconds while resting between sets, that does not mean you can jump in and change all the settings on the machine. You can ask, "Mind if I work in?" and alternate....perfectly acceptable. But, if you just jump in and start doing your stuff and interrupt what the other person was doing, you're a tourist.....and an ass. Also, while we're on the topic, this goes for equipment that has multiple uses. For example, if someone is on the chin up bar doing chin ups, wait till they are done before you jump on the other side and start doing dips. Your fat ass shakes the whole thing and it's really distracting.

6. The Couch Potato- This is the final offender that I'm going to mention. This is the person that does 45 minutes on the most popular machine during peak time at the gym. The catch however, is that 5 minutes of it is exercising and the other 40 is standing there to watch the rest of the TV show that's on. The TV's on the machines are a convenience for the people exercising, not for just standing there and watching. Judging by your current level of physical fitness, I'm fairly certain that you have a perfectly good TV at home....and you spend plenty of time sitting in front of it. If you just want to watch TV, you don't need to put on all your fancy clothes, have a naked conversation in the locker room, get on your cell phone, and jump on the already in use tread mill that the person just stepped off to refill their water to watch that episode of Jersey Shore. Just stay home. Everyone will be much happier that way.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

F#&king Gym Tourists....Part 1

As I mentioned in Don't Stop...The Eating....Hold on to that feeeeeeeeling....., it's tourist season once the gym. I've decided this topic needs to be addressed a little more formally.

For those of you who decided to jump on that New Year's Resolution bandwagon and "start working out", this post is for you. For all of you that have belonged to a gym for more than 10 days, I think you'll really appreciate this post.

Tourist season, as I like to call it, is that time of year when everyone and their brother decide to join a gym and start working out. Now some of them actually do it right and should be commended for their efforts. The other 98% however, are just assholes. See the picture above as an example... There's the idiot guy doing dumb bell bench press on the leg press machine, and the annoying chick on the cardio machine blabbing away on her phone at the top of her lungs about her latest life drama. These are gym tourists and their behavior should not be tolerated. This post will outline some of the worst gym tourist offenders, followed by some constructive suggestions for what these people can do to remove themselves from the tourist category.

1. The "super cute" sporty newbie- We've all see this piece of work. It's the guy or girl who just spent about $1000 on new running shoes, high end workout pants, shirts, a new ipod, sweatbands, and a variety of other workout apparel. Everything matches, and they look like professional fitness experts. However, when they are at the gym, they do just about nothing. A lap or two walk around the track, maybe try one or two of the weight machines....then it's off to Starbucks for a 400 calorie latte and a 30 min cell phone conversation with their BFF on what a great workout they had and how proud they are of themselves for going to the gym. As many of you may know, every gym has that one person that is a total, disgusting sweat factory. I think after that person finishes a 2 hour high impact spinning class, the newbie should have to wear that person's clothes and do the same workout that the Russian guy did in Rocky 4....that seems fair.

Here's my suggestion: Save your money. You get just as good of a workout in $5 t-shirts and shorts. Use that extra cash for a trainer so you have someone there to actually make you do something...and do it right.

2. The cell phone chatter- Sweet, Sea Parting Moses, get off the G-D phone! It's one hour of your day. I promise you that your life will continue without having that stupid phone glued to your head...or even worse...that retarded bluetooth earpiece. No one at the gym wants to hear your conversation...especially when you have to TALK EXTRA LOUD SO YOU CAN BE HEARD OVER ALL THE CARDIO MACHINES! No one wants to hear what you are blabbing about...and by the way, this probably includes the person on the other end of the phone as well. This offense is especially infuriating when the person is blabbing away on the phone while standing in front of one of the "NO CELL PHONE" signs that are hung all over the gym.

My suggestion: Work on your literacy before you work on your physical fitness. That way you'll know the rules at the gym and be able to read the labels on all the food you shouldn't be eating.

To be continued....

Friday, January 1, 2010

Leggo my Ego...

So, from time to time, it has been suggested by people I know that I am a big fan of.....ME! I admit it, I'm a bit of an attention hog and have a healthy ego. I'm sure if any of you have ever read the comments posted by my mother, you have a pretty good idea of how this may have happened. Some may even say that I think the world revolves around me. Well, I have news for you. It does. Yup, it does. I had a feeling that many of you wouldn't believe me (with the exception of my mother of course). So, I have included video proof. Unfortunately, the recording was done on a phone and there is no easy way to rotate the video, so you're just gonna have to turn your head to the left. Deal with it.

Exhibit A: Watch closely and you will clearly see the entire world revolving...

Exhibit B: Just in case you think this was in any way altered or edited, I have a second video that proves without any doubt that it is in fact me and the world is revolving around me. It happens watch closely. And no, it's not one of those things that is gonna scream at you or try to scare you.

Note: No trampolines were injured in the making of this post.