Monday, January 11, 2010

F-ing Gym Tourists....Part 2

Well here it is...the long awaited part 2 to my gym tourists post.

3. The Locker Room Exhibitionist- While I've only had experience with the men's locker room, (despite my efforts to sneak in to the women's) I'm pretty sure that this issue occurs with both sexes. These individuals insist on being naked any chance they get. This behavior isn't just limited to tourists, but it's heinous enough that it's worth mentioning. Usually, the older and less attractive the person, the more likely they are to be an offender. Shaving? Naked. Sauna? Naked. Conversations with other people in the locker room? Naked. Using the urinal? Naked. (AND barefoot....which in my opinion is almost worse than the naked part) Here's the deal. No one, I repeat, no one, wants to see your old hairy balls...Not even that creepy sex starved gay guy that's always lurking around the showers. The gym has stacks of towels everywhere...WEAR ONE. Basically, when I'm in the locker room, I want to change my clothes and leave. I don't want to have a conversation with you. I really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked. And...I really really really don't want to have a conversation with you while you are naked and doing your best "got a little captain in you" pose. Ewwww.

4. The slob- This one I just don't get. You're in a health club...not a frat house. These tourists seem to think that the entire gym is their bedroom floor. They leave their sweaty clothes and towels all over the floor of the locker room. They have towels on multiple pieces of equipment, they leave the weights, giant ball things and other equipment wherever they want. The other day I had to go through an obstacle course of magazines, newspapers, jacket and water bottle some Douchebag had all around the narrow aisle between the cardio machines.

5. The Budger- Taking turns...we all learned about it in Kindergarten. It's really not a hard concept. If someone is on a machine and using it, then steps off to rest, there is a good chance they plan on using it again. If you would like to use that machine, ASK THE PERSON IF THEY ARE DONE!!! It's not complicated. "ARE YOU DONE?" That's it, that's all you have to say. If someone has their towel next to a machine and turn their back for 5 seconds while resting between sets, that does not mean you can jump in and change all the settings on the machine. You can ask, "Mind if I work in?" and alternate....perfectly acceptable. But, if you just jump in and start doing your stuff and interrupt what the other person was doing, you're a tourist.....and an ass. Also, while we're on the topic, this goes for equipment that has multiple uses. For example, if someone is on the chin up bar doing chin ups, wait till they are done before you jump on the other side and start doing dips. Your fat ass shakes the whole thing and it's really distracting.

6. The Couch Potato- This is the final offender that I'm going to mention. This is the person that does 45 minutes on the most popular machine during peak time at the gym. The catch however, is that 5 minutes of it is exercising and the other 40 is standing there to watch the rest of the TV show that's on. The TV's on the machines are a convenience for the people exercising, not for just standing there and watching. Judging by your current level of physical fitness, I'm fairly certain that you have a perfectly good TV at home....and you spend plenty of time sitting in front of it. If you just want to watch TV, you don't need to put on all your fancy clothes, have a naked conversation in the locker room, get on your cell phone, and jump on the already in use tread mill that the person just stepped off to refill their water to watch that episode of Jersey Shore. Just stay home. Everyone will be much happier that way.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

F#&king Gym Tourists....Part 1

As I mentioned in Don't Stop...The Eating....Hold on to that feeeeeeeeling....., it's tourist season once the gym. I've decided this topic needs to be addressed a little more formally.

For those of you who decided to jump on that New Year's Resolution bandwagon and "start working out", this post is for you. For all of you that have belonged to a gym for more than 10 days, I think you'll really appreciate this post.

Tourist season, as I like to call it, is that time of year when everyone and their brother decide to join a gym and start working out. Now some of them actually do it right and should be commended for their efforts. The other 98% however, are just assholes. See the picture above as an example... There's the idiot guy doing dumb bell bench press on the leg press machine, and the annoying chick on the cardio machine blabbing away on her phone at the top of her lungs about her latest life drama. These are gym tourists and their behavior should not be tolerated. This post will outline some of the worst gym tourist offenders, followed by some constructive suggestions for what these people can do to remove themselves from the tourist category.

1. The "super cute" sporty newbie- We've all see this piece of work. It's the guy or girl who just spent about $1000 on new running shoes, high end workout pants, shirts, a new ipod, sweatbands, and a variety of other workout apparel. Everything matches, and they look like professional fitness experts. However, when they are at the gym, they do just about nothing. A lap or two walk around the track, maybe try one or two of the weight machines....then it's off to Starbucks for a 400 calorie latte and a 30 min cell phone conversation with their BFF on what a great workout they had and how proud they are of themselves for going to the gym. As many of you may know, every gym has that one person that is a total, disgusting sweat factory. I think after that person finishes a 2 hour high impact spinning class, the newbie should have to wear that person's clothes and do the same workout that the Russian guy did in Rocky 4....that seems fair.

Here's my suggestion: Save your money. You get just as good of a workout in $5 t-shirts and shorts. Use that extra cash for a trainer so you have someone there to actually make you do something...and do it right.

2. The cell phone chatter- Sweet, Sea Parting Moses, get off the G-D phone! It's one hour of your day. I promise you that your life will continue without having that stupid phone glued to your head...or even worse...that retarded bluetooth earpiece. No one at the gym wants to hear your conversation...especially when you have to TALK EXTRA LOUD SO YOU CAN BE HEARD OVER ALL THE CARDIO MACHINES! No one wants to hear what you are blabbing about...and by the way, this probably includes the person on the other end of the phone as well. This offense is especially infuriating when the person is blabbing away on the phone while standing in front of one of the "NO CELL PHONE" signs that are hung all over the gym.

My suggestion: Work on your literacy before you work on your physical fitness. That way you'll know the rules at the gym and be able to read the labels on all the food you shouldn't be eating.

To be continued....

Friday, January 1, 2010

Leggo my Ego...

So, from time to time, it has been suggested by people I know that I am a big fan of.....ME! I admit it, I'm a bit of an attention hog and have a healthy ego. I'm sure if any of you have ever read the comments posted by my mother, you have a pretty good idea of how this may have happened. Some may even say that I think the world revolves around me. Well, I have news for you. It does. Yup, it does. I had a feeling that many of you wouldn't believe me (with the exception of my mother of course). So, I have included video proof. Unfortunately, the recording was done on a phone and there is no easy way to rotate the video, so you're just gonna have to turn your head to the left. Deal with it.

Exhibit A: Watch closely and you will clearly see the entire world revolving...

Exhibit B: Just in case you think this was in any way altered or edited, I have a second video that proves without any doubt that it is in fact me and the world is revolving around me. It happens watch closely. And no, it's not one of those things that is gonna scream at you or try to scare you.

Note: No trampolines were injured in the making of this post.