If It Were Up To Me...

After yesterday's filth, tonight will be a cleaner post.

I think we've all been there. You're in a situation and you think to yourself, "If it were up to me..."

Well here's how some things would be if it were up to me.

1. All spoons would have a rubber squeegee edge on one side. That way I could get all of the ice cream out of the bowl.

2. All car doors would slide open like mini vans or Lamborghini's. Door dings really piss me off.

3. Toilet paper would be banned and replaced everywhere with the far superior wet wipes. Thousands of years of civilization and no one has found a better way to wipe your ass than a wad of thin dry paper?

4. Car stereo stores would run a permanent sale. Buy 2 or more sub-woofers, get a free vasectomy.

5. Pizza, nachos and bacon would have the same nutritional value and be just as healthy as spinach, carrots and bananas...so I would have no muffin tops.

6. Wegmans would be a national chain..no, an international chain...no, an intergalactic chain.

7. Airplanes would have a small section of seats surrounded by soundproof glass. That is where all passengers under the age of 10 would sit.

8. You would never be able to see a Starbucks while in another Starbucks.

9. Towels around the waist would be mandatory in every men's locker room when doing anything besides showering. If men want to shave, brush their teeth, make phone calls and talk to people naked, they can join a nudist colony. No one wants to see old hairy balls.

10. Internet access would be blocked for all Nigerian royalty.


11. The Adventures of JewBoy and Schnoozle would win the Bloscar (Oscar for blogs) for best blog ever.

Stimulating Packages...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Truth Behind The Facts...

Just as a warning, these are the answers to (and stories behind) yesterday's puzzle. So, if you haven't done the puzzle yet, click here. I put it upside down so it doesn't spoil it if you accidentally look.

Here's the explanation of the answers:

2 Across- Stevie. Although technically Stevie II is a better answer, for this puzzle I felt Stevie was more appropriate and less confusing. Give yourself a bonus point if you know that the name for the full system is Stevie Blu-Ray Vaughn.

4 Across- Stinky Tofu. Yes, that's the actual name for it and it's one of the most popular street food snacks in Taiwan. No matter what you are thinking, I guarantee it's way worse. It's this foul smelling, pungent, deep fried, fermented tofu. I equate it to the aroma of a sweaty gym sock that's been balled up in an old shoe worn by someone that runs marathons in a sewer.

5 Across- Taiwan. Yes, Schnoozle, like most of the things you own, was also made in Taiwan.

6 Across- Wegmans. Obviously. Any grocery store with 6 dedicated groups to it on Facebook totaling over 40,000 members is clearly in a league of it's own. Suck it Kroger, Safeway, and every other store...Except Trader Joe's, I like it there too.

7 Across- Keith. He came with that name. He was a rusty, white, beat up 1990 pathfinder. The girl I bought it from said "We named it Keith cause it looked kind of like an old white dude". I told her my friends called it Keef, cause it was kind of ghetto, she laughed and said her' friends did too. RIP buddy.

9 Across- See through. This goes mostly for any clothing worn by women. (Not fat women.)

10 Across- Snacks and free. I love to snack, especially on free stuff. Double Yum.

1 Down- Jeans and Boobs. This is the outfit that usually follows an appearance of NudieSchnooz. The outfit includes jeans, socks are optional...that's it. Any appearance of Schnoozle wearing this outfit is immediately followed by JewBoy singing "Head, shoulders, jeans and boobs, jeans and boobs" follwed by an attempted molestation...and a slap.

3 Down- Muffin Tops. Named for the place where the muffin explodes from the pan. This is the area of my back and sides that tends to roll over my pants. Also known as Love handles or the spare tire. It's a work in progress.

8 Down- Kiefer. After Keith was tragically killed. I replaced him with Keifer. He's a beautiful Black 1997 Nissan Pathfinder. My dad calls it the Blackfinder.

Pop Quiz!!

Surprise! It's a pop quiz on facts about JewBoy and Schnoozle. Since it's an activity that's about facts....I thought up a new word, yup, a Factivity. Today's factivity will be a crossword puzzle.


Here goes: (click on puzzle for full size, or to print)

If you think you've solved it, send your answers to jmail119@gmail.com. You can email for hints too if you want.

Good Luck!! Answers will be posted tomorrow.

MicroMydeas

So as you know, I always have crazy ideas. From the ridiculous FlatuScents to the actual decent ideas like Windshield Scripers. Tonight is gonna be a list of MicroMydeas. These are quick ideas that I haven't taken the time to think through fully, or diagram out thoroughly. They'd just things I think should exist and it makes me think, "Why not?" I leave it up to you, faithful reader, to tell me which ones to pursue.


MicroMydea 1:

So I saw a survey on Facebook today that said... "Which energy source do you think should be pursued?" Wind, Solar or Hydro. I thought to myself, why do I have to pick only one?
Why not cover windmills with solar panels. They're outside all day and already have generators feeding some kind of battery, why not make them useful if it's not windy. Duh.


MicroMydea 2:

Every night that we cook, we have to clean. I hate it. My wonderful food coma is ruined by the thought of having to clean up. The stove and microwave are two of the most annoying. (Despite Schnoozle's efforts, I still have a bad habit of not covering things.) How come the oven has self cleaning but nothing else does? Really, no one has thought of this? We have robot vacuums and floor cleaners. There's even self cleaning showers and toilets, and no one has found a better way to clean the microwave or stove. What the hell?


MicroMydea 3:

Parallel parking is a pain in the ass. Some car companies have tried to make it easier, but they still haven't found a good, cost-effective way. Why don't they just make a car where all four wheels can turn the full 90 degrees. That way, the car could just pull in sideways. Just put a small electric motor on one of the wheels or something. It'd be so easy, even an Asian could park with ease. (No offense Schnoozle, but your people aren't exactly known for their parking skills) Plus, it'd be a lot faster. On top of that, the cars could park closer together so there could be more spots on a street. Awesome.


MicroMydea 4:

How come no one has found a good way to make food alcoholic? I would love to get wasted off a slice of pizza or have a great burger buzz. I realize alcohol is a liquid, but I want someone to find a way to make it in a powder or something that you can add to food. All the fun without the added calories and trips to the bathroom you get from all the drinks. I'll open up the first restaurant to feature alcoholic food. The InEatBriated Cafe. All the Drunk with none of the Drink.

Cheers!

A Slippery Situation...

So as I mentioned in More Einsteins, I spent 7 years working at the worlds greatest grocery store, Wegmans. Think I'm exaggerating (about it being the best, not the 7 years) ? Pick up a copy of this month's Fortune magazine and check out the #5 best company to work for. I'll give you a hint, it's not Safeway, Albertson's, Tops, Lund's or Byerly's. Nope, they didn't even make the list. The next closest chain is Whole Foods at a distant #22, unless you count Nugget Market (Whatever the hell that is.) at #10. It was Wegmans baby. I couldn't be more proud.

You are probably imagining Wegmans as a spectacular wonderland of exquisite food and household supplies. A place where the aisles are paved with gold and the shopping carts all roll perfectly straight. You couldn't be closer to the truth.

Everyday at Wegmans is perfect. The Ahi is perfectly seared, the produce is unbruised and ripe, the bread's hot and crusty and the milk and eggs are so fresh, the cows and chickens don't even know they're gone.

Well, except for one day...

Like I mentioned, I was one of the managers at the store. Whenever there was a problem, the cashier would turn on their light and I was the guy wearing a tie that would come over to fix it. Well one day one of the cashiers turned on her light. I looked over and she was waving frantically to me to come over. I walked over and got about halfway through "What can I do for..." and then I saw it, all over the floor in the register aisle. An old man had a complete diasaster. Apparently while waiting in line, he crapped his pants, paid for his items and walked out the door. He had no idea it even happened. I quickly closed down the register and blocked both sides with the wet floor cones. I called maintenance and they came over and prompty cleaned up the mess. Well, not quite promptly enough. Apparently, while the register aisle was the epicenter of the "assplosion*", there were some "aftersharts*". These aftersharts left a couple wet spots on the floor past the register on the way to the exit. In the approximately 30 seconds it took the maintenance man to get there and clean it up, (yes, only 30 seconds, I'm telling you, everything about that store was a model of efficiency and excellence) a woman walking by the back of the register on the way to the exit slipped and fell.

Click on diagram below for detailed view:





This alone would have been bad enough. (Of course when I say bad, I mean hilarious.) Unfortunately, anytime a customer slips of falls, a formal report has to be created. I of course, having witnessed the incident first hand had to document this.

Anyone who has ever seen the movie Porky's will vividly remember the scene where Ms. Ballbreaker asks for a penis line up to identify the boy who was spying on the girls shower. My co-worker and I had a similar experience while trying to document and explain to the store manager how a customer had an accident and slipped and fell in the "accident" of the other customer. Keeping a straight face was nearly impossible.

Glossary:

Assplosion: Anytime a bowel movement uncontrollably exits an individual with extreme force.

Aftershart: The residual and less intense wet flatulence that follows the initial assplosion.

Imerginary Ideas...

So a while back I heard a funny story that Pepsi and Pfizer were working on a deal to merge. Their product would be a highly caffeinated citrus beverage that cures impotence. It's name of course would be "Mount and Do".

That got me thinking about some other unlikely mergers. I call them Imerginary Ideas. In other words, imaginary mergers that I'd love to see.

Here's a few:

What if Pfizer and Metamucil worked together to create a single wonder drug for older men that cures impotence and constipation? They could call it "Easy Come, Easy Go". Guaranteeing a fantastic evening for a "regular" guy.


How about if Victoria's Secret and DSW merged? They could create a mega store called "Breast Foot Forward". Specializing in Jugs and Uggs.

What if the Catholic Church bought the national chain of children's pizza and video game restaurants? "Chuck E. Jesus....Where a kid can be....." Hmmmmm, on second thought, that could be dangerous.

And finally...What if Dell stopped using outsourced Indian companies for technical support and instead hired strippers? Their extended service plan could be..."Dell Platinum Support...The Best In Laptop(less) Service".

Any ideas from the peanut gallery?

Oh somehow I...I'm still alive...

I don't know how I've made it this far but I somehow seem to thrive. I've said oh so many things that made the Schnoozle mortified, but somehow I......I'm still alive....woahhhh woahhhhh..... and so on. (read it again to the tune of "I will survive", including the title, just in case you didn't catch that)

So yeah, anyone that knows me, or had the pleasure of being in the limo or at dinner tonight probably knows what I mean. I have a pretty good talent for pushing Schnoozle's patience to the limits...and then way past that. The story of Stevie II was one good example. I recommend it as a pre-requisite to this post.

Tonight we attended a birthday party for a friend from Schnoozle's work. Also in attendance was her boss, several co-workers and friends of friends. Naturally the conversation steered towards what a whack-job I am and all the ridiculous things I do. I thought it would be appropriate to put together a short list of things I've done and somehow managed to live through.

The Wedding:

So as I'm sure everyone knows, my personality and sense of humor tend to drift into the realm of inappropriate from time to time. Our wedding day was no different.

• I had my best man hand the pastor a grape ring pop when she asked for the rings.

• I gave the pastor a list of reasons to read about the Jewish tradition of breaking the glass which included "the last time a married man gets to put his foot down" as one of them.

• I picked her up and flipped her during the first dance. (Which accidentally tore the ties that held the long part of dress up...oops)
  

• I gave a speech where I thanked her parents for raising such a beautiful daughter. I then added "But more importantly, I'm thankful for the language barrier, because if they had any idea what I was saying half the time, there's no way in hell they'd let her near me.
  

Even after all that, she still agreed to marry (and stay married) to me. I knew I had a keeper.


A Typical Day At Home:

One day I got home from work and was a little antsy. I was wearing new socks that happened to be a little slippery on the hardwood floors. I knew it could be better though. So, I pledged the whole part of the floor from the kitchen through the dining room into the living room. I spent about 3 or 4 minutes sliding around and having a blast. Then my attention span (or lack thereof) kicked in and I found something else to do...watch TV, play on the computer, look at something shiny, whatever. About an hour later, Schnoozle came home from work, took off her shoes and walked towards the kitchen. Yup, she slid and nearly killed herself. While on the floor, she saw the can of pledge (I really should have put that back) on the counter and instantly figured out what happened. I then had the impossible task of trying to explain why on earth I would have done something like that. I think I mumbled something about it "seeming like a good idea at the time". We both narrowly escaped death that day.


A Typical Shopping Trip:

Another day, we were at Victoria's Secret. Schnoozle needed a new Bra. The sales lady came up and asked her what size she was. Without flinching, I held up both my hands, cupped them and said "they're about this big"...then ducked.

So what will it be next? Who knows? But one thing is for sure, I'll keep her on her toes...which isn't necessarily a bad thing...it makes her almost as tall as a normal sized person.

The Last Thing A Bug Sees....

So the joke goes like this...

What's the last thing a bug sees before it hits your windshield?

It's ass.

I think this might have a bit of a chicken and egg story. Some of you may remember this famous Porsche Poster that I am pretty sure is from 1996.

Great car and a great ad. But, which came first? Was it the joke that inspired the ad, or was it the ad that inspired the joke. Or, did those crazy Germans just come up with it? Let's face it, Germans aren't exactly known for their sense of humor, so I'm guessing the joke was around before the ad.

Anyway, bugs on windshields are what led me to today's Mydea.

Here's the usual scenario. You're out driving and a bug (or several bugs) hits your windshield as shown in the lovely image above. Bam! There it is in the middle of your field of vision. Even though years of experience should have taught you better, you pull back the wiper arm in an attempts to wash it off the window. You cross your fingers hoping that this time will be different, but...Nope. Sure enough, it smears bug guts all over the windshield in a perfect arc and is way worse than the single spot of bug guts was. For anyone that shares my obsessive compulsive disorder for a clean windshield, this is absolute torture.

Well, as I'm sure you have guessed, I've solved the problem.

Windshield Scripers: Windshield wipers that have a built in scrubby sponge to effectively clean off any bugs or other nastiness from the windshield. It's kind of like my other half and half ideas, since it's half wiperand half scrubby sponge. This one's a little more serious. See diagram and explanation below. (Click on picture for larger view.)

It functions as a normal wiper when set to intermittent, low or high. But, when you pull back the lever to "wash", the arm pivots at the pivot point shown in the diagram to put the green scrubby sponge side against the window while the wiper fluid is dispensed. The scrubby sponge along with the wiper fluid quickly powers through any stuck on bug guts, then it pivots back to the normal wiper blade part to do the final "squeegee" wipe, leaving the windshield clean and dry. The scrubby sponge part would snap on to the wiper arm so that it can be replaced independent of the rest of the wiper assembly. Plus, since the scrubby part is doing all of the major scraping of baked on goop, the wipers would last much longer anyway. See how I'm always thinking about saving money? After a few months, the scrubby part would be full of bug guts and other grime, so you can just replace it.

Genius? Just so so? Stupid? Let me know what you think.


P.S. Consider this copyrighted, tradmarked, or whatever else I have to do to make sure I can get credit if anyone steals this idea. Any of my readers patent attorneys?

Shout Out To The Peanut Gallery....

So tonight is going to be a little change from the normal post. I do my best to create 100% original content for this blog. The words, ideas, jokes, stories, etc, are all things I've come up with on my own. So, if you see any of it somewhere else, it's purely coincidence.

However, it appears that I have been a bit of an inspiration to some of my readers. I have gotten blog topic, idea and word suggestions from friends, family members and co-workers. I'd like to take the opportunity to share a couple of what I consider to be some of the best of these.

1).
A friend of mine works as a teacher in a middle school. Apparently they've been having a bit of an issue with the bathrooms. The kids have decided that they would like to use the floor as a urinal and the walls for some fecal artistry. Lovely. He was lucky enough to get the job of checking the bathrooms for such issues. While inspecting the condition of the bathrooms, the following word of the day came to him.

Doo-doo Diligence: The act of thoroughly inspecting all of the available bathroom stalls or port-o-pottys to find the cleanest one to use.


2).
This one came from my dad. We've all been there. Whether it's a toll booth, grocery check out, port-o-potty, or something similar, there's a good chance of a line. This will cause you to find yourself in the following situation...

Dislaneia: The act of getting into what appears to be the shortest line, but having it end up taking the longest amount of time.

3).
Of course, there's gonna be one from me. I had a former roommate that watched quite a bit of Television. On many occasions he would attempt to watch two things at once. Typically this was a sit-com and a sporting event. Over the years he became quite skilled at this and was able to master the art of...

TV-Advoidance: The ability to change the channel right before the advertisements and flip back just as the show is returning. Done skillfully, this maximizes the amount of time you get to watch the secondary program while not missing any of the crucial details of the primary program. However, it's worth noting that if you have not mastered this skill, it's INCREDIBLY annoying for anyone else that is watching TV with you.


Feeling inspired? Got an idea you think is a good one? Send me your thoughts, because everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Must "Half" Mydeas...

So as I mentioned yesterday, I have a couple of half and half Mydeas of my own. I thought of all sorts of things that are typically separate but might work better together. Hardwood carpets, windshield wipers with built in ice scrapers, hot dog shaped hamburgers. (I thought that would be more appetizing than a hamburger shaped hot dog, even I'm grossed out by the thought of that. Plus, there'd be no more need to make two different shapes of buns which means you are more likely to have a matching number of buns and burgers/dogs) I also thought about laptops with built in projectors and a whole bunch of other things. I settled on two for today.

Here goes:

Ketchard: (catch-erd, accent on the catch) Half Ketchup, Half Mustard. Think of it as the Goober Grape of picnic condiments. This would be a perfectly balanced blend of ketchup and mustard (a little heavier on the ketchup of course) in one convenient container. It would come out in a similar way as toothpaste, in that the two would be distinguishably separate, but next to each other. (As shown in the image above) This saves space in the fridge or the picnic basket, which means...more room for beer...which takes us to the next "half and half" mydea.

The Phonepener A3D: (phone-pen-er) Half Mobile Phone, Half Bottle Opener. Let's say you're at a picnic and you grab a burger off the grill, add a little Ketchard, take a bite...it's delicious. Now you need something cold to wash that down. You grab a Corona, or a Heineken and after mutilating your hand, you remember that it's not a twist off. No problem, just grab a bottle opener. Ohhhhhhh...you don't have a bottle opener? Well, I bet you have your phone. Everyone these days always has their phone. Look into any car you drive next to...one hand on the wheel, one hand on the phone. It's pretty much become an appendage for most people. The Phonepener makes perfect sense to me. With the Phonepener you can crack open that cold one anywhere and enjoy. Whether you're at a picnic, a party, out on the boat or the golf course, there's no barrier between you and your beer.

But JewBoy, Why is it called the A3D? Ah Ha! I'm glad you asked.

With the integrated bottle opener, the phone is able to keep track of how many beers it has opened. It's sophisticated internal software knows who has opened the beer (finger print identification) and can calculate the approximate tolerance of the person (Calculates BMI from their fat, sweaty hand). This is where the A3D steps in. Automatic Drunk Dial Disabler. That's right, the phone will know if you've had too much to drink and automatically disable the ability to make any late night phone calls or send text messages. This effectively eliminates that hungover morning of embarassment. So drink all you want, you don't have to worry about explaining to your clingy psycho ex-girlfriend/boyfriend the next morning why you called them at 3am and begged them to take you back.

The Halfs and Half Nots...

Tonight's post is a little long, so get comfy...

So it was a big day today. We "half" a new president. The biggest deal of course, is that he's the first black president. Well, sort of. Technically, he's only half black...which is why he is frequently referred to in the media as "halfrican". (A non-derogatory word describing anyone who has one black parent) I feel like calling him black is like calling Brunch- Breakfast or Lunch. Yeah, it's sort of right, but it's just not the same. Brunch is so much more than just breakfast or lunch. It's this delicious meal where you can sleep in, then wake up and have eggs, bacon, french toast, coffee, macaroni and cheese, roast beef, chicken wings and fancy desserts all at the same buffet. Oh, how I love Brunch. Anyway, I digress...I give him lots of credit, he's worked hard, he's smart, a good speaker and my former roommate who's locker was next to his at the country club in Chicago says he's a real nice guy. He's walked into quite a shit-storm, but continues to be inspiring, positive and committed to making change. I wish him the best of luck, he'll need it.

Obviously I'm all for ethnic integration, look at Schnoozle and me. What would happen if we had a child (no, we don't have any plans to do that anytime soon, if ever, so stop asking) and it grew up to be president. Would it be the first Jewish president or the first Asian president? Could it be both? Would that be double dipping? So many questions...

So all the events of today made me think of other well known "half and halfs". Some of them have risen to greatness, like Obama, and some of them, well, not so much. I call them, The Halfs and Half Not's. Here goes....


We'll start with "The Halfs"...

The Knork: Half knife, half fork, all genius. While similar to the spork, I purposely picked this one instead. While the spork is excellent, (and found pretty much only at KFC) it doesn't free up a hand. Knife and forking requires two hands. With the knork, your non-dominant hand stays free to hold a book or newspaper open, or even use a phone. It's a triumph in efficiency.

The Arnold Palmer: Half iced tea and half lemonade, all delicious. Tea too plain and bitter? Lemonade too sweet and tart? No problem, this is the perfect solution. Cool and refreshing all while being not too sweet or too bland. This is a hole in one.

The Futon: Half couch, half bed, all business. I don't think I know anyone who didn't have one of these at some point during college. The futon is also affectionately known as the "Flip-N-Fuck" for it's tendency to host a variety of hook ups. Overall, it's the most cost effective way for a struggling college student to be able to sit and watch TV but still host the occasional freeloading house guest. Awesome.

Boxer Briefs: Half Boxer, Half Brief. The comfort you want with the support you need. It's like a sports bra for your testicles.

2-in-1 Shampoo/Conditioners: Half Shampoo, Half Conditioner. I did extensive calculations and added up the time it takes in the shower to get wet, wash your hair, rinse, condition, rinse, then wash your body and rinse. A 2-in1 can provide up to a 17% reduction in shower time. At an estimated 7 minutes a shower, that's a little over 1 minute saved per shower. That's almost a whole alarm clock snooze per week. Brilliant.

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups: Half Chocolate, Half Peanut Butter, totally decadent.
Dear Mr. Reeses,
You Rock!
Love,
Everyone without peanut allergies.



Now for the Half Nots...

The El Camino: Half Car, Half Pickup Truck, completely stupid. Found in overgrown front yards of trailers everywhere. Note to the Subaru Baja, you should have known better.


The Mullet: Half Business, Half Party. Usually found attached to the head of El Camino drivers. We can thank Billy Ray for this gem...and for Hannah Montana. Someone please add "Crippling kick to the groin of young Billy Ray" to Marty McFly's to do list.

The Keytar: Half Guitar, Half Keyboard, completely 80's. I'm guessing Keytar Hero won't be found on video game store shelves anytime soon.

Rupaul: Half Man, Half Woman, maybe. Whatever happend to this train wreck? Has she been officially replaced by the pregnant man? Sachet, Shonte...Go Away...and stay there.


Stay tuned for tomorrow's edition- Half and Half Mydeas.

This Little Piggy...

So, today I received two comments on last night's post.

1. Anonymous said...

What was that? Did you get a ghost writer? Come back!

January 19, 2009 8:48 AM

2. Anonymous said...

This post was not funny. Maybe you need to find a new hobby!

January 19, 2009 11:32 AM

I'll address the second comment. First of all, I think it's funny. Is it my best work? Probably not, but I think it's still amusing. I'd even say it's funnier than the "Made In Taiwan" shirt I designed for Schnoozle. I also think it was good considering it was well after midnight and instead of skipping a day, I came up with something 100% original (like I have done everyday for the past 40 days) so my loyal followers wouldn't be without a post.

Consider the first word a bit of historical political satire. On today of all days, (MLK) I think it's funny to think that a policy like that could have ever been considered ok. It's nice to see how far we've come. Also, it's a play on words for "lactose intolerance"...in case you missed that.

For the second part...In times of financial crisis like we have now, the feeling of instocksication is a rare one at best. So, when you see some of your money actually coming back, it's truly spectacular and worth making a word about.

As for the title, "Piggies and the Market" I think it's fair to say that's a clever twist on the two words. We're all familiar with "this piggy went to market' that our parents played with our toes as little kids. This ties in with the toes theme of the first word. The word "Market" is a pun on the "Market" reference in the second word. Suffice it to say, there's a lot going on here for a 3 minute late night post.

As for a new hobby, I was considering making cowardly anonymous negative postings on people's blogs, but unfortunately, there's already enough piggies in that market.

That is all.

Time for this little piggy to go have some roast beef.

Piggies And The Market...

It's late, so just a couple of quick Words Of The Day.

Blacktoes Intolerant: Any spa that refuses pedicure services to african americans.

Instocksication:The brief sense of euphoria you feel when you look at your financial portfolio and everything has gone way up.

(One of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me...

This will be the first what I'm pretty sure will be many posts known as "(One Of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me". Just to clarify, these will be describing the times when she knowingly and purposely wanted to prematurely end my life (prebeditated or not)...not the many times when I am riding in the car and she is suffering from DWA.

If you've ever watched any of the shows on TV where a new couple is house shopping, there is one thing that always happens without fail. They walk into the house, the girl looks around, comments on the carpet, the woodwork, the kitchen and all the other details. The guy always has one comment. "That's where I'd put the big TV". I'm no different. The first thing I bought when I moved to Minneapolis was a big TV. I named it Stevie. Stevie the TV. 42" to be exact, from Costco of course. Why Costco? Costco had the lifetime satisfaction guarantee. That means if for any reason, I became unhappy with the TV, I could return it for the full purchase price, no questions asked. Well, about 3 months after I bought the TV, they canceled that policy. Anyone who had purchased a TV was "grandfathered" in for one exchange. I knew that my use of the plan would have to be very well calculated as I only had one chance. Then it happened. About a year later the 50" version with all the new bells and whistles went on sale. I knew this was my chance. I told Schnooz that I was going to upgrade. She kind of shook her head and mumbled something about the fact that the existing TV was way too big for the room and me being retarded. I'm not sure exactly what she said since all I could think about was the new bigger TV and mostly because I wasn't really listening. I packed up the old TV, threw it in the back of the big car and off to Costco I went. I brought it in, told them that I moved the furniture around and now the TV was opposite a wall and had a bad glare. The new model had an anti-reflective coating so I wanted to get that one instead. They didn't even flinch and handed me a fistfull of cash. I got the new TV (Stevie II), put it in the car and headed back home. Mission successful. In fact, it's probably one of the best deals I've ever pulled off....next to my Northwest Airlines scheme...but that is for another day.

Stevie the TV is heavy. It weighs about 1.3 Schnoozles. (Note: A Schnoozle is a unit of weight measurement I have developed that is equal to the approximate weight of Schnoozle. For example, I weigh about 1.5 Schnoozles and a case of beer weighs about 0.2 Schnoozles.) There was no way that I could carry it up the stairs myself so I asked Schnoozle to help me. We got it upstairs and I started to open the box. That's when it all began. Schnooz saw the size of the new TV and began to flip out. It kind of went something like this..."That TV is way to big...blah blah blah...There was nothing wrong with the last one...It's too big for our little living room...blah blah blah...and some other stuff." All I could think was, I can't wait to see how great it looks. The TV came out of the box and after some more verbal abuse, I convinced her to help me lift it onto the table. Big mistake. We each grabbed an end started to lift. I got my side up, but Schnooz was struggling. Finally she blurted out, "DOWN, down, put it down". It was one thing for her to think that a new TV was stupid and a total waste, but, when her pride got hurt cause it was too heavy for her to lift, she pretty much went off the deep end. We put the TV down. Schnooz looked up at me, red faced and yelled "FU&K THIS!" and stormed off to sit at her computer desk. So now I'm in the living room, alone, with a giant TV on the floor. Great. I tried lifting it up a couple of times but no luck. Now, an important point here is that Schnooz's desk has a perfect line of sight to the living room. So, she can see me struggling. I wasn't about to give her that satisfaction, so I put the TV's box up on its side in the doorway to block her view. Haha! Take that! After many unsuccessful attempts, my engineering prowess came through and I figured out a way to get the TV on the table. TA DA! I hooked it all up and sat on the couch. Wow, it really was big for the room. Then I thought of a trick. I moved the bookcases over a little and slid the couch back, so it wouldn't look as big. From the couch I yelled, "SCHNOOZ!!!, COME IN AND LOOK". She begrudgingly walked in and sat down.

Think of everything you know about math and time. Now think about what the absolute smallest measurable amount of time could be? A millisecond, a microsecond, nanosecond maybe? Well take the smallest amount, then cut it in half. That's about how long it took Schnooz to realize that I had moved all the furniture to make the TV look smaller. My brilliant plan was exposed. Dammit. Schnooz- "You moved the furniture, it's still too big, you're an ass"

I looked at her and said, "Here's the deal, there's pretty much three things in this world that can't ever be too big. You have two of them, I have one, and the other is staying right there on the table." Somehow, Stevie II and I managed to live through that comment and that day.

Isn't he handsome?

Fowl Language...

So it's gonna be a quick one tonight because I just got home and I'm tired. I have a couple of words of the day to hold you over until my next masterpiece. Whatever that will be.

A lot of people say that the key to comedy is





timing. I somewhat agree, but I think there is one thing that's more important...being able to tell the joke. Some people just can't seem to do it and it drives me crazy. They start out with, "Oh, I just heard this joke, it's like, something about getting to the other side...Hang on, let me think." Too late, you've ruined it. You said the punch line and now, no matter what you say, I know that's how it's going to end and it has no chance of being funny.

So here is our word of the day-

Premature Ejokulater (pronounced...E-Joke- You-later): Anyone who ruins a joke by telling the punchline too soon. This can also describe someone who asks mid joke "if this is that one about getting to the other side", equally irritating.

One more. Speaking of chicken, I feel that this next word of the day is appropriate. We all know that there is nothing more tasty than some hot, fresh perfectly seasoned fried chicken. The problem is that it's not particularly healthy...like most fried foods. However there are occasions where the aroma and appearance of a delicious fried food are sooooo good, that it becomes....

Justifryable: Any fried food that is so delicious smelling and tasting, (Extreme Skinners perhaps?) that it's worth the extra 2 hours on the treadmill (or Lipitor prescription) just to make up for eating it.


So there it is, a good post that's only a little bit fowl.

Small And Sticky...

So, it's warmed up. Tonight is a balmy -11.7. There's lots of things you can do to stay warm, turn up the heat, maybe a little sexual wintercourse, layer up those clothes, or cuddle up under a blanket. We all know what type of material makes the warmest clothes and blankets?...wool of course. But what's the problem with wool? (I'll give you a hint---male genitalia and cold water) That's right, as you can see above, wool also suffers from shrinkage. One day, when I was a kid, my mom and I had a discussion about wool and sheep. We came to the conclusion that this problem could be solved. How?...you ask? Easy, pre-shrink the sheep. I mean really, just resolve the problem at the source. We get wool from sheep, then make the clothes from the wool, then the clothes shrink. If you were to shrink the sheep, the clothes wouldn't be able to. Makes perfect sense to me.

See the picture below:

As you can see, the sheep at the top is a normal untreated sheep. The lower sheep however, has been pre-shrunk. The sheep is submerged in soapy water, rinsed, then dried with a couple of hair dryers. Ta Da!!! Pre-Shrunk Sheep.


The next Mydea comes as a response to a couple of things. Apparently, I remind one of my co-workers of Michael Keaton's character in "Nightshift". He was always thinking up crazy ideas and recording them...For example, Mix the mayo with the tuna before you put it in the can...Brilliant stuff like that. It's a lot like what I do with with this blog. So as he was telling me the story today, I happened to be looking out the window at the cars in the snow covered parking lot. Then I looked at my shoes and was reminded of how I nearly slipped and killed myself about 4 times this morning. Then it came to me....

ShooZaks, by Bridgeston Murphy: Dress shoes (By Johnston Murphy) with snow tire tread (Bridgestone Blizzaks) on the bottom.

I happen to have Bridgestone Blizzaks on one of my cars and I can say first hand, they are like glue on ice and snow. Put that on the bottom of a shoe and slips and falls would be almost non-existant. So who's gonna make the first bid for Mydea? Bridgestone, Johnston Murphy, Health insurance companies...I'm open to anything.

So there it is...Something small and something sticky. What did you think I was gonna write about?

More Wit and Wisdumb...

Today is going to be a bit of a blog buffet. There's going to be a Word Of The Day, some Wisdumb and a little more of "The Way I Am".


As you can see in the picture I just took, my trusty outdoor thermometer (found at your local Target store) says it is -12.3 degrees outside. That is just the ambient temperature, if you include wind chill, it's around -30 or so. How nice. There are a couple of things that happen when it's this cold outside. First, people don't really go anywhere, it's just too damn cold. Second, since people aren't going out anywhere, they stay home and try to keep warm. Finally, there is a rise in the number of births the following October and November. A rise in births you might ask? Yes. This is due to our word of the day.

Sexual Wintercourse: Any sexual act that occurs when people stay home to avoid the cold and try to keep warm. This typically happens in the coldest winter months of January and February, accounting for many of the births in October and November.


A bit of Wisdumb:

Brush your teeth before you get dressed in the morning. No matter how much you scrub the part of your clothing that the toothpaste landed on (and it will land on something) the white stain will reappear later and you run the risk of looking like Monica Lewinsky.



Finally, a little more on the way I am. So last night I ran a few "words of the day" by my dad. We were trying to pick the ones that were blog worthy. (Don't worry, they'll be in an upcoming post) This morning I received the following email:

(Click image for larger view)



Just a note, the second one is pronounced Sniff-full-liss.

       Again, 
                Tree-->     @ @ @  @ @ @
                           @  @\/@ @ /__@
                           @@@ @\ / @/  @ @
                          @\  \/@| @ | @
                         @__\@ \ |/ \| / @
                            __\|@|  ||/__/@
                           /  \ \\  / /__
                          @    \  \/ /   @
                                |" '|
                                |"  |
                                |"  |
                               ~|"  |~  @  <--Apple
                      ~~~~~~~~~       ~~~~~~~~~~
                                       

Two Dented Thumbs Up...

It was 1987 and somehow I ended up in a production of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Typical type casting. Anyway, for my efforts, I was paid the handsome sum of $100. 1987 as some of you may remember was the year that the original Nintendo was released. So obviously, that's where the $100 went. Let me tell you, that was money well spent. I still have that Nintendo to this day and it's every bit as fun now as it was 22 years ago. However, there is one nasty side effect of excessive Nintendoing...which brings us to our first word of the day:

1. Carpal Thummel Syndrome: The dented and aching thumbs resulting from excessive video game playing.


Some of you may remember a very funny sketch on Saturday Night Live a few years back (when SNL was still occasionally funny) called Debbie Downer. It featured Lindsay Lohan and was really only funny because the cast couldn't keep it together. Watch the video below...



Debbie is the perfect example of our next word:

2. Kvetchitarian: Someone that is only capable of two types of verbal communication, whining and complaining. (For the non-jews, click here if you aren't familiar with the word Kvetch)



Ahhhhh, puberty. That painfully awkward time in everyone's life full of voice cracking, tall girls with short boys and of course, acne. Clearasil, Stridex, Neutrogena, it didn't matter, your efforts were futile against those pesky pimples because of our next word:


3. Rezitstance: The ability of a pimple to be completely unaffected no matter what or how much acne medication is applied to it. Rezitstance increases exponentially in conjunction with two factors. The first depends on where the pimple is located, the more obvious the zit, the more rezitstance. The second factor is the level of importance of any event you have to attend within the next few days. School dance, hot date, job interview, guess what? That zit isn't going anywhere.


So remember, don't be a Kvetchitarian about that zit, just stay home and play video games where no one will see you...but remember to rest those thumbs.

Prebeditated Murder...

So last night I started brainstorming for tonight's entry. I decided it was gonna be a word of the day post, so I started thinking up words...and I didn't stop. I'd think of a word, then google it to make sure no one else had thought of it before. No results? Perfect, it's a keeper. I even brought my noteblook (The little notebook shown in the picture that Schnoozle bought for me to keep track of all my wacky ideas...she clearly underestimated the ramifications of that decision) to bed with me so I could keep brainstorming. Schnoozle was dead tired and already in bed trying to go to sleep since she had a 6:30am video conference. Naturally, every time she had just fallen asleep, I'd turn over, reach for my noteblook and scribble down another word...and of course, wake her up for her opinion. After about the eighth time, she had clearly had enough and pretty much threatened my life if I woke her up again. That of course, inspired me to think of our first word for today:

1. Prebeditated Murder: Having thoughts about how you are going to kill someone if they don't let you go to sleep.


I'm sure we have all experienced this next word. You go out to a bar and sure enough, it's Karaoke night. (Kro-Key if you are in Minnesota) Everything is going ok until that one person gets up there and gang rapes a classic song.

2. Karanokey: (pronounced Carry-No-Key) The act of singing an entire karaoke song, and much to the dismay of the audience, not hitting one note right.

Recently, I've had two separate occasions where someone has told me about a resume they received where one of the qualities listed by the applicant was "Attention to detail". The rest of the resume however, was riddled with errors. Misspellings, missing words, formatting issues, etc. Well, I've come up with a name for these people.

3. Ferpectionist: Any person who claims to possess the utmost "attention to detail" yet regularly sends emails or turns in work full of mistakes.


So it's been a long day, you get home from work and you're hungry. You open the fridge and there you are:

4. Refridgerwaiting: The act of standing in front of and staring into the (mostly empty) refrigerator that you already know all the contents of, hoping that you'll see something in there you want to eat that you didn't see the last three times you looked.


Stay tuned, I have a pretty good feeling there will be more coming tomorrow...unless Schnoozle follows through on her prebeditated plan.

Heiny Helpers...

I know there's been a lot of Mydeas lately, but I'm not about to stop this speeding idea train. So, here's a couple more.


It's a beautiful hot summer day and you're outside at the beach or park or something. You grab a beer, crack it open take a sip, Ahhhhhhh. Then you put it down, do something for a minute, pick it back up for a sip and......yuck, it's warm. Yeah, it doesn't take long for that delicious ice cold beer to turn into warm flat swag. Well, this seems like a natural match made in heaven. The CoolCan.



There's people that have tried this before and over-engineered the hell out of it. Developing new designs with toxic refrigerants and conductive materials, blah. The technology is already out there. It's just that no one has put it all together yet..until I came along. It would be a standard beer can but with a "false bottom". You'd twist the false bottom and it would mix the two chemicals used in instant ice packs. It gets cold instantly and stays cold for up to 30 minutes (for the nursers out there). No more dragging coolers. No more buying ice. No more wasted space in the fridge keeping the beer cold. It's win win. So go ahead, grab yourself a warm one.



Now, to tag along onto last night's idea. We have the toots under control, but what about a different type of undergarment inconvenience..."Creep Up". This is especially common to boxer shorts. You sit down, you slide forward a little, then you stand up. Your pants adjust but your underwear stays halfway up your ass. Then you're forced to try to pull your underwear down without looking like your giving the old undercarriage a little "how's your daddy?". Well, I've come up with a solution.

JockSnaps: Boxer shorts with small button holes or metal snaps sewn as shown in the diagram below to prevent the dreaded Creep up...also known as a wedgie.




All that would be required is a simple alteration to any pair of pants. Put a small button or snap on the inside of the pants right on the seam. It would be totally invisible and line up with the button hole on the boxers. As you stand up, a gentle tug on your thighs realigns both the pants and the boxers. JockSnaps and FlatuScents would of course be compatible to create a truly winning combination. Pass the gas and keep the undies out of your ass.

Better Out Than In...

Well, it's time for another installment of Mydeas. This is one that I've had for a while. We've all been in the situation, digestion is running its natural course and without a doubt, that nasty by-product of stinky air shows up. Burps are easy enough to disguise, but toots? Ahhh, that's not so easy. Or is it? Sure, there's times when you gan get away with it with a simple crap-dusting, but if it's a quiet setting and there's people around, you'll need an insurance policy. Well, here it is:

FlatuScents- A combination of custom designed underwear with insertable sound muffling and odor absorbing/air freshening inserts. They come in all popular shapes, sizes and scents. See the diagram below.




Standard briefs? No problem The FlatuScent-TW (Tighty-Whitey) is for you. Scented inserts available in "Classic Talc" or "Old Spice".






A boxer man? FlatuScents-BX are the perfect choice. Inserts are slightly wider to account for the increased "freedom" that boxers provide. Scents available: "Adrenaline Blast" and "Polished Steel".



Women? Don't think I forgot about you. With FlatuScents-SP (Standard Panty) for the women who haven't (or shouldn't) make the switch to thongs, go ahead, let that gas pass. Scents available: "Spring Garden" and "Citrus Mist".



Finally, all my ladies rocking the thongs, there's FlatuScents-AF (Ass Floss). With an extra narrow insert and scents like "Delicate Devil" and "Sensual Spice" you can dance dance dance, without worrying what's goin on in your pants.


Some may say, "Whoever smelt it dealt it." But they won't...even if you did.

6 words...

Schnoozle received a book from my mother for Christmas/Hanukkah called "Not Quite What I Was Planning", Six Word Memoirs... Essentially a number of writers were asked to to sum up their life into six words. We thought this was a pretty neat concept and definitely recommend the book.

I've decided to take that a step further and write my own 6 word memoir...for other people.


Here is a totally random list I just made up in no particular order. I even added some pictures to make it more fun.



Amy Winehouse- "Maybe I Should've stayed in Rehab"




Jon Stewart- "I look like who? Who's JewBoy?"

My Dad- "Funniest Middle Aged Jewish Accountant Ever"

Oprah Winfrey- "Thin, Fat, Thin, Fat, Who cares?"



Hugh Heffner- "Best life ever, Thank you Viagra"

My Sister- "Not my fault, he did it"



Schnoozle- "What did I get myself into?"

Osama Bin Laden- "Current worldwide hide and seek champion"

My Neice- "I learned it from Uncle JewBoy"

Vanilla Ice- "One hit wonder, ice melts fast"



My Mom- "JewBoy, JEWBOY! Get down from there"

George Washington- "One Cherry tree, get over it"


Every catholic priest- "Worst typo ever, should say celebRate"




I think that's enough for now, I could go on and on. Ok, one more...

_____ posted the best memoir comment

So, who's it gonna be?

You know IT...

This blog goes out to all of my readers with jobs that have something to do with IT. If you think the word I just wrote was "it" with a typo, you're the kind of person I will be talking about...well, picking on really. The rest of you know I meant IT, as in Information Technology. Computers, cell phones, software, engineering, car navigation systems, whatever. From the person that works at best buy, to the person that does circuit development for cell phone microchips and everything in between we all share the same pains.

Here's a list of some of those pains:

You are tech support (TS) for your entire family and their friends (F&F). This is especially painful when working with people that know as much about technology as Orthodox Jews know about the deliciousness of pork products. Mmmmmmm, bacon. Typical conversations may include the following dialog... TS- "Is the monitor on" F&F-"What's the monitor" TS-"The screen" F&F-"Oh, you mean that TV thingy" TS-"Ugh, yes...the TV thingy"

Your parents and grandparents have absolutely no idea what you do at work, no matter how long or detailed your explanation. If anyone asks them what you do, the answer is always the same "He works with Computers".

As Tech Support, (and usually free tech support) no matter how much time you spend cleaning up and fixing their computer that was either broken or riddled with viruses or spyware, if there is even one icon in a different place when you are finished, they will be angry and unsatisfied with your work. This, of course, is if you are even able to repair the catastrophic damage they have caused by years of misuse. If it can't be fixed, (without major upgrades that will undoubtably cost more than the current value of the computer) you are forced to accept the "Hmmmmph, I guess you're not such a computer hot shot after all" look that they will inevitably give you before telling you they will just have the 8 year old boy next door fix it since he's "really good with computers".

You receive IM's like this:

AuntBubbie:Dear JewBoy, It was good to see you
guys the other night. I'm glad that you were both
able to come for dinner. It's always so nice to have
the two of you here. You really are such a lovely
couple. We look forward to seeing you two again
real soon. Love, Aunt Bubbie
JewBoy:Thanks, we had a good time too
JewBoy:We'll have to do it again
AuntBubbie: That sounds good. We can do it
next Thursday. Your uncle's bridge game was
cancelled so he will be home. I can make soup with
the little noodles that you like. Love, Aunt Bubbie


So I say to all of you...Don't do it! Let them call "Steve" (who we really know is Gujara Rajenabar) at Dell Tech Support and have them try to figure it out. It'll save you the headache. Or, to avoid the problem completely, you can proudly wear this shirt....

P.S. No Joke, while typing this blog (and just about finished) I received a phone call from a F&F that "their wireless internet wasn't working and they wanted me to fix it". My response, "I didn't know you had wireless" F&F- "I don't, it's the neighbor's." Me- "So you want me to fix the internet that you are stealing from your neighbor's house" F&F- "Well it was working earlier...nevermind."