Oh somehow I...I'm still alive...

I don't know how I've made it this far but I somehow seem to thrive. I've said oh so many things that made the Schnoozle mortified, but somehow I......I'm still alive....woahhhh woahhhhh..... and so on. (read it again to the tune of "I will survive", including the title, just in case you didn't catch that)

So yeah, anyone that knows me, or had the pleasure of being in the limo or at dinner tonight probably knows what I mean. I have a pretty good talent for pushing Schnoozle's patience to the limits...and then way past that. The story of Stevie II was one good example. I recommend it as a pre-requisite to this post.

Tonight we attended a birthday party for a friend from Schnoozle's work. Also in attendance was her boss, several co-workers and friends of friends. Naturally the conversation steered towards what a whack-job I am and all the ridiculous things I do. I thought it would be appropriate to put together a short list of things I've done and somehow managed to live through.

The Wedding:

So as I'm sure everyone knows, my personality and sense of humor tend to drift into the realm of inappropriate from time to time. Our wedding day was no different.

• I had my best man hand the pastor a grape ring pop when she asked for the rings.

• I gave the pastor a list of reasons to read about the Jewish tradition of breaking the glass which included "the last time a married man gets to put his foot down" as one of them.

• I picked her up and flipped her during the first dance. (Which accidentally tore the ties that held the long part of dress up...oops)
  

• I gave a speech where I thanked her parents for raising such a beautiful daughter. I then added "But more importantly, I'm thankful for the language barrier, because if they had any idea what I was saying half the time, there's no way in hell they'd let her near me.
  

Even after all that, she still agreed to marry (and stay married) to me. I knew I had a keeper.


A Typical Day At Home:

One day I got home from work and was a little antsy. I was wearing new socks that happened to be a little slippery on the hardwood floors. I knew it could be better though. So, I pledged the whole part of the floor from the kitchen through the dining room into the living room. I spent about 3 or 4 minutes sliding around and having a blast. Then my attention span (or lack thereof) kicked in and I found something else to do...watch TV, play on the computer, look at something shiny, whatever. About an hour later, Schnoozle came home from work, took off her shoes and walked towards the kitchen. Yup, she slid and nearly killed herself. While on the floor, she saw the can of pledge (I really should have put that back) on the counter and instantly figured out what happened. I then had the impossible task of trying to explain why on earth I would have done something like that. I think I mumbled something about it "seeming like a good idea at the time". We both narrowly escaped death that day.


A Typical Shopping Trip:

Another day, we were at Victoria's Secret. Schnoozle needed a new Bra. The sales lady came up and asked her what size she was. Without flinching, I held up both my hands, cupped them and said "they're about this big"...then ducked.

So what will it be next? Who knows? But one thing is for sure, I'll keep her on her toes...which isn't necessarily a bad thing...it makes her almost as tall as a normal sized person.