You are probably imagining Wegmans as a spectacular wonderland of exquisite food and household supplies. A place where the aisles are paved with gold and the shopping carts all roll perfectly straight. You couldn't be closer to the truth.
Everyday at Wegmans is perfect. The Ahi is perfectly seared, the produce is unbruised and ripe, the bread's hot and crusty and the milk and eggs are so fresh, the cows and chickens don't even know they're gone.
Well, except for one day...
Like I mentioned, I was one of the managers at the store. Whenever there was a problem, the cashier would turn on their light and I was the guy wearing a tie that would come over to fix it. Well one day one of the cashiers turned on her light. I looked over and she was waving frantically to me to come over. I walked over and got about halfway through "What can I do for..." and then I saw it, all over the floor in the register aisle. An old man had a complete diasaster. Apparently while waiting in line, he crapped his pants, paid for his items and walked out the door. He had no idea it even happened. I quickly closed down the register and blocked both sides with the wet floor cones. I called maintenance and they came over and prompty cleaned up the mess. Well, not quite promptly enough. Apparently, while the register aisle was the epicenter of the "assplosion*", there were some "aftersharts*". These aftersharts left a couple wet spots on the floor past the register on the way to the exit. In the approximately 30 seconds it took the maintenance man to get there and clean it up, (yes, only 30 seconds, I'm telling you, everything about that store was a model of efficiency and excellence) a woman walking by the back of the register on the way to the exit slipped and fell.
Click on diagram below for detailed view:
This alone would have been bad enough. (Of course when I say bad, I mean hilarious.) Unfortunately, anytime a customer slips of falls, a formal report has to be created. I of course, having witnessed the incident first hand had to document this.
Anyone who has ever seen the movie Porky's will vividly remember the scene where Ms. Ballbreaker asks for a penis line up to identify the boy who was spying on the girls shower. My co-worker and I had a similar experience while trying to document and explain to the store manager how a customer had an accident and slipped and fell in the "accident" of the other customer. Keeping a straight face was nearly impossible.
Glossary:
Assplosion: Anytime a bowel movement uncontrollably exits an individual with extreme force.
Aftershart: The residual and less intense wet flatulence that follows the initial assplosion.
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9 comments:
No matter how many times I hear that story it still cracks me up. I feel so bad for that lady but man that is a great story! Glad I suggested it! LOL!
Oh & the diagram was awesome. thanks for the visual aid.
As an old person, after reading the story I didn't know whether to sh_t or go blind.
at the beginning put the ? after the close parenthesis
and you need a period after hilarious at the bottom of the post. i too am a huge fan of that story.
I too remember that story and I can just imagine you filling out THAT report.
At the beginning of the blog I thought"Wow, I should copy this and give it to Danny" but as I read on I thought maybe this would not be good in Ellen Harris's column as a tribute to Wegmans.
M
Slip Sliding away? What song is that and was it Simon and Garfunkel or just Simon?
wow, I was laughing through the whole story only because on Friday while substituting Kindergarten I had a similar situation happen, a kid completely peed his pants and was standing in urine and I was like "WTF" I didn't sign up for this, I want my old job back.
I saw Wegman's status today and almost emailed you but then promptly forgot!
And ew. That is all. EWWW.
Thanks! It was enjoyable reading as always. In return, here is a little poop humor I hope you enjoy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpGIr0KgZU4&feature=related
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