When One Door Closes...

So, I have decided to bestow upon you once again, more of my ridiculous ramblings. First, we'll start with a new philosophy that I have come up with.

Here goes:

I have decided that there are basically two types of people in this world. (besides men and women) You're either someone that does, or doesn't.....fart in a crowded elevator. (More specifically, a crowded elevator of strangers...cause we all know that if you're with a group of your friends....it's pretty hilarious) I mean really, what better way to separate people? You either give a damn about the people around you and have some semblance of manners and courtesy, or, you decide that the well being of the people around you is of no concern to you. Basically, you're either an asshole, or you're not. I just think this is a more creative way to describe it.

Since it's been a while, I'll spoil you with a couple of words of the day as well.



Inspousia: The inability to sleep without your spouse in the bed with you. As used in a sentence- "I've been traveling quite a bit lately and the wife is totally suffering from Inspousia. I'm gonna have to log some serious snuggle time or she's gonna be a total cranky pants."



Sinkoustics: The unexplained acoustic phenomenon that makes it absolutely impossible for you to hear what your spouse is saying while the water in the sink is running. It doesn't matter if they're right there in the next room...you'll be able to hear that they're talking, but be completely unable to hear what it is that they are saying.

And...on a somewhat related topic:

Conversinktion: The unexplained phenomenon that causes your spouse to wait right until the moment you turn on the sink to start to talk to you from the bedroom. This inevitably leads to...

Spouse 1: (Right as the sink turns on)- Murm murh murm murh..

Spouse 2: What?

Spouse 1: Murmmm muhr mur murrrm murh..

Spouse 2: What?!?!

Spouse 1: Murhm mur murhm murh muhmm

Spouse 2: What?!?!?

Spouse 1: GOD! Nevermind.....jeez, you never listen!

Fuzzy Thoughts....

It's time for another edition of "Word of the Day"-

Today's word is inspired by the realization I came to today when I looked down at my sweater that was last worn under my fleece lined hooded sweatshirt (that I have affectionately named "Woody the Hoodie).

Lintagious- (Lin-tay-juss) The ability an article of clothing has to get lint all over any other piece of clothing it comes in contact, or even close to.

Used in a sentence- "Oh man, I forgot this white sweater was lintagious...Anyone have a lint roller for my black pants?" (Just for the record, I would never wear a white sweater with black pants...it just illustrated the meaning of the word better)

"Smorgasbored"..

Tonight's blog title is inspired by my trip to IKEA today. A smorgasbord, as you may know, is a Swedish buffet style meal consisting of a variety of foods. Tonight's blog will be just that, a variety of items all together. Since most people read this when they are bored you can see why I titled it "Smorgasbored". How clever of me.

Here goes:

Words-

Smorgasbored: Any variety of activities one partakes in when suffering from extreme boredom. Reading blogs, playing games on a phone, channel surfing.

Hallucellations: The feelings you get on your hip or in your pocket when you could swear that your phone buzzed, but after pulling it out to check, you see that there are no messages or calls.


Wisdumb-

Orange juice tastes terrible after you have just brushed your teeth. However, brushing your teeth after you have just drank orange juice is fairly pleasant.

If you ever need it to rain, have me spend at least an hour hand washing my car. Rain is guaranteed within the next 24 hours.

The less expensive the product you buy, the more impossible the price tag is to remove. I bought a $4 stainless steel bowl at IKEA today. It took me 5 minutes of fingernail scraping to get about half the tag off, then two applications of Goo Gone, then 3 more minutes getting the tag bits out from under my fingernail, then I had to put it in the dishwasher. However, price tags on items from Crate and Barrel and our favorite store, Kitchen Window peel off with almost no effort.

Haiku-

Your is what you have
You're is the same as "you are"
It's really not hard



Update on the status of my blog working for me: $7.12 so far. Sweet.

Vocabulating...

Got a few words of the day for you. The first one was a suggestion from a friend of mine. He was describing a common and awkward situation many people find themselves in when in an elevator.

Elevoidance- The half-assed attempt when someone is coming towards the elevator that people make to reach towards the button that holds the door open. Then, they pretend that it was too late and the doors were already closing, followed by the expression on their face that says- "Oh, so sorry, I tried, I really did, you'll have to catch the next one. "

This next one is a battle I find myself facing all the time. In my endless search for good deals, I often find myself in the following situation.

Freesources- Connections people have that allow them to get things for free that most people have to pay for. Used in a sentence: "Well, it looks like I've exhausted all my freesources and we'll actually have to pay for our drinks tonight."


And finally, filling and emptying your tank...

Nozzillating- The act of shaking the the gas pump once it shuts off with hopes of getting a few more free drops of gas. This is very similar to the strategy used by men after urinating to ensure that the last few dripppies end up in the toilet and not their underwear.

This is sometimes followed by Hosillating (ho-zil-a-ting) by the more aggressive penny pinching fuelers, where the person lifts the entire hose to empty its contents into their tank. While this has no direct counterpart in the world of male urination, the "squeeze and pull" is pretty close. Guys, you know what I mean. Girls, you probably don't...but think about how you'd get that last bit of liquid out of a freezer pop. Same idea.

Cause When You're Smiling...

Perhaps you've heard of the phenomenon of religious images showing up on foods. I call it "Divine Toastervention". The picture above is two classic examples of this. On the left, you can clearly see the face of Jesus and on the right, his lovely mother Mary. I was fortunate enough to have a similar experience this past week in lovely Cincinnati.

This week was a huge success for my co-workers and me. (Even beyond the vending machine experience detailed in A Twist of Fate) All of the software we were installing worked on the first try, it showed all the data we said it would and we got good feedback. Anyone who works with computer software knows this is a very rare event. Needless to say, we were smiling. We went out one evening and were celebrating our success. When our beers arrived, we raised our glasses and "toasted" to our great week. That must have been what did it.

I absolutely promise that this was a naturally occurring smiley face in my beer. I in no way altered the foam at the top of the glass. My two co-workers will vouch for it. I think Louis Armstrong said it best..."When you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you." Even your beer.

Questionable Intentions...

I consider myself a fairly social person. I like to go to parties, happy hours and all that good stuff. I like to meet new people too. However, there are a lot of people that when you first meet, ask you all sorts of seemingly innocent questions, when they are really trying to find out something else. (This is especially prevalent in the dating scene) We've all been in these situations and I'm sure you find it as incredibly annoying as I do.




I call them Inquestionals: Poorly disguised questions that are an intentional attempt to obtain personal information about you.

Here's a list of some inquestionals and what the people are really trying to say.


1. Where did you go to school?
-Was my school better so I can feel intellectually superior to you?

2. When did you graduate?
-Are you older or younger than you look?

3. What do you do?
-Approximately how much money do you make?

4. What do you drive?
-Just checking to see if my approximation of your salary is accurate.

5. What does your dad do?
-How can a (answer to #3) afford to drive a (answer to #4)...must be family money?

6. Where do you live?
-Just exactly how much family money are we talking about here?

7. Where are your parents from?
-I can't tell if you're Japanese, Chinese, Korean, etc. (or any other type of foreigner)

8. How did you meet? (asking a couple, or from one person to a group of friends)
-Please give me some ideas on how to meet people, I'm so, so lonely.

Here's a few that the newly married couples out there always get...

9. So, How's married life?
-Are you completely miserable yet, or still in that annoying honeymoon phase?

10. When are you gonna have kids?
-When will the romance and spontaneity be removed from your sex life and your lives become miserable and completely absent of all freedom like ours?


And that's what I think about that. Any questions?

6 More Weeks...Might as well learn some new words...

I was going to draw some pictures, but I left my mouse at work and trying to draw in MS Paint with a touch-pad is impossible. Maybe tomorrow...


So here's some new words for ya...


It's happened to all of us, you're talking to someone who is desperately trying to sound intelligent. However, instead, they demonstrate their:

Fauxcabulary- The description for the vocabulary of someone that regularly uses words incorrectly. Here's a perfect example- "Honestly, irregardless of how this turns out, we just know this is going to be a reoccurring event, so arguing about it is really a mute point." They need to take a Fauxking English class.


I'm not really into sports that much. But, it always amazes me when I see people getting so riled up at the other people watching the game. Especially when they don't want the same team to win. So after watching the Superbowl last night, this word came to mind.

Fanimosity- The immense hatred felt between sports fans rooting for different teams.


Person 1- "Can I borrow your phone?"
Person 2- "Sure here you go. Wait...{wipes it off on jeans and hands it to you} ok here."

Cell Philm- That layer of face grease that is always on the screen of your cell phone no matter what article of clothing you wipe it on.


Cell Philm reminds me of when I was a little boy and would go over to my Gramma's house. I'd pick up the phone to make a call and without fail, the entire earpiece was covered in make up.

I call this:

Phonedation- The build up of foundation make up on the phones of all Grammas that you have to wipe off before using. Otherwise, you'll end up with a Gramma colored smudge on your cheek.


Well, I'm pretty wiped myself, time for bed.

Pop Quiz!!

Surprise! It's a pop quiz on facts about JewBoy and Schnoozle. Since it's an activity that's about facts....I thought up a new word, yup, a Factivity. Today's factivity will be a crossword puzzle.


Here goes: (click on puzzle for full size, or to print)

If you think you've solved it, send your answers to jmail119@gmail.com. You can email for hints too if you want.

Good Luck!! Answers will be posted tomorrow.

A Slippery Situation...

So as I mentioned in More Einsteins, I spent 7 years working at the worlds greatest grocery store, Wegmans. Think I'm exaggerating (about it being the best, not the 7 years) ? Pick up a copy of this month's Fortune magazine and check out the #5 best company to work for. I'll give you a hint, it's not Safeway, Albertson's, Tops, Lund's or Byerly's. Nope, they didn't even make the list. The next closest chain is Whole Foods at a distant #22, unless you count Nugget Market (Whatever the hell that is.) at #10. It was Wegmans baby. I couldn't be more proud.

You are probably imagining Wegmans as a spectacular wonderland of exquisite food and household supplies. A place where the aisles are paved with gold and the shopping carts all roll perfectly straight. You couldn't be closer to the truth.

Everyday at Wegmans is perfect. The Ahi is perfectly seared, the produce is unbruised and ripe, the bread's hot and crusty and the milk and eggs are so fresh, the cows and chickens don't even know they're gone.

Well, except for one day...

Like I mentioned, I was one of the managers at the store. Whenever there was a problem, the cashier would turn on their light and I was the guy wearing a tie that would come over to fix it. Well one day one of the cashiers turned on her light. I looked over and she was waving frantically to me to come over. I walked over and got about halfway through "What can I do for..." and then I saw it, all over the floor in the register aisle. An old man had a complete diasaster. Apparently while waiting in line, he crapped his pants, paid for his items and walked out the door. He had no idea it even happened. I quickly closed down the register and blocked both sides with the wet floor cones. I called maintenance and they came over and prompty cleaned up the mess. Well, not quite promptly enough. Apparently, while the register aisle was the epicenter of the "assplosion*", there were some "aftersharts*". These aftersharts left a couple wet spots on the floor past the register on the way to the exit. In the approximately 30 seconds it took the maintenance man to get there and clean it up, (yes, only 30 seconds, I'm telling you, everything about that store was a model of efficiency and excellence) a woman walking by the back of the register on the way to the exit slipped and fell.

Click on diagram below for detailed view:





This alone would have been bad enough. (Of course when I say bad, I mean hilarious.) Unfortunately, anytime a customer slips of falls, a formal report has to be created. I of course, having witnessed the incident first hand had to document this.

Anyone who has ever seen the movie Porky's will vividly remember the scene where Ms. Ballbreaker asks for a penis line up to identify the boy who was spying on the girls shower. My co-worker and I had a similar experience while trying to document and explain to the store manager how a customer had an accident and slipped and fell in the "accident" of the other customer. Keeping a straight face was nearly impossible.

Glossary:

Assplosion: Anytime a bowel movement uncontrollably exits an individual with extreme force.

Aftershart: The residual and less intense wet flatulence that follows the initial assplosion.

Shout Out To The Peanut Gallery....

So tonight is going to be a little change from the normal post. I do my best to create 100% original content for this blog. The words, ideas, jokes, stories, etc, are all things I've come up with on my own. So, if you see any of it somewhere else, it's purely coincidence.

However, it appears that I have been a bit of an inspiration to some of my readers. I have gotten blog topic, idea and word suggestions from friends, family members and co-workers. I'd like to take the opportunity to share a couple of what I consider to be some of the best of these.

1).
A friend of mine works as a teacher in a middle school. Apparently they've been having a bit of an issue with the bathrooms. The kids have decided that they would like to use the floor as a urinal and the walls for some fecal artistry. Lovely. He was lucky enough to get the job of checking the bathrooms for such issues. While inspecting the condition of the bathrooms, the following word of the day came to him.

Doo-doo Diligence: The act of thoroughly inspecting all of the available bathroom stalls or port-o-pottys to find the cleanest one to use.


2).
This one came from my dad. We've all been there. Whether it's a toll booth, grocery check out, port-o-potty, or something similar, there's a good chance of a line. This will cause you to find yourself in the following situation...

Dislaneia: The act of getting into what appears to be the shortest line, but having it end up taking the longest amount of time.

3).
Of course, there's gonna be one from me. I had a former roommate that watched quite a bit of Television. On many occasions he would attempt to watch two things at once. Typically this was a sit-com and a sporting event. Over the years he became quite skilled at this and was able to master the art of...

TV-Advoidance: The ability to change the channel right before the advertisements and flip back just as the show is returning. Done skillfully, this maximizes the amount of time you get to watch the secondary program while not missing any of the crucial details of the primary program. However, it's worth noting that if you have not mastered this skill, it's INCREDIBLY annoying for anyone else that is watching TV with you.


Feeling inspired? Got an idea you think is a good one? Send me your thoughts, because everyone is entitled to my opinion.

This Little Piggy...

So, today I received two comments on last night's post.

1. Anonymous said...

What was that? Did you get a ghost writer? Come back!

January 19, 2009 8:48 AM

2. Anonymous said...

This post was not funny. Maybe you need to find a new hobby!

January 19, 2009 11:32 AM

I'll address the second comment. First of all, I think it's funny. Is it my best work? Probably not, but I think it's still amusing. I'd even say it's funnier than the "Made In Taiwan" shirt I designed for Schnoozle. I also think it was good considering it was well after midnight and instead of skipping a day, I came up with something 100% original (like I have done everyday for the past 40 days) so my loyal followers wouldn't be without a post.

Consider the first word a bit of historical political satire. On today of all days, (MLK) I think it's funny to think that a policy like that could have ever been considered ok. It's nice to see how far we've come. Also, it's a play on words for "lactose intolerance"...in case you missed that.

For the second part...In times of financial crisis like we have now, the feeling of instocksication is a rare one at best. So, when you see some of your money actually coming back, it's truly spectacular and worth making a word about.

As for the title, "Piggies and the Market" I think it's fair to say that's a clever twist on the two words. We're all familiar with "this piggy went to market' that our parents played with our toes as little kids. This ties in with the toes theme of the first word. The word "Market" is a pun on the "Market" reference in the second word. Suffice it to say, there's a lot going on here for a 3 minute late night post.

As for a new hobby, I was considering making cowardly anonymous negative postings on people's blogs, but unfortunately, there's already enough piggies in that market.

That is all.

Time for this little piggy to go have some roast beef.

Piggies And The Market...

It's late, so just a couple of quick Words Of The Day.

Blacktoes Intolerant: Any spa that refuses pedicure services to african americans.

Instocksication:The brief sense of euphoria you feel when you look at your financial portfolio and everything has gone way up.

Fowl Language...

So it's gonna be a quick one tonight because I just got home and I'm tired. I have a couple of words of the day to hold you over until my next masterpiece. Whatever that will be.

A lot of people say that the key to comedy is





timing. I somewhat agree, but I think there is one thing that's more important...being able to tell the joke. Some people just can't seem to do it and it drives me crazy. They start out with, "Oh, I just heard this joke, it's like, something about getting to the other side...Hang on, let me think." Too late, you've ruined it. You said the punch line and now, no matter what you say, I know that's how it's going to end and it has no chance of being funny.

So here is our word of the day-

Premature Ejokulater (pronounced...E-Joke- You-later): Anyone who ruins a joke by telling the punchline too soon. This can also describe someone who asks mid joke "if this is that one about getting to the other side", equally irritating.

One more. Speaking of chicken, I feel that this next word of the day is appropriate. We all know that there is nothing more tasty than some hot, fresh perfectly seasoned fried chicken. The problem is that it's not particularly healthy...like most fried foods. However there are occasions where the aroma and appearance of a delicious fried food are sooooo good, that it becomes....

Justifryable: Any fried food that is so delicious smelling and tasting, (Extreme Skinners perhaps?) that it's worth the extra 2 hours on the treadmill (or Lipitor prescription) just to make up for eating it.


So there it is, a good post that's only a little bit fowl.

More Wit and Wisdumb...

Today is going to be a bit of a blog buffet. There's going to be a Word Of The Day, some Wisdumb and a little more of "The Way I Am".


As you can see in the picture I just took, my trusty outdoor thermometer (found at your local Target store) says it is -12.3 degrees outside. That is just the ambient temperature, if you include wind chill, it's around -30 or so. How nice. There are a couple of things that happen when it's this cold outside. First, people don't really go anywhere, it's just too damn cold. Second, since people aren't going out anywhere, they stay home and try to keep warm. Finally, there is a rise in the number of births the following October and November. A rise in births you might ask? Yes. This is due to our word of the day.

Sexual Wintercourse: Any sexual act that occurs when people stay home to avoid the cold and try to keep warm. This typically happens in the coldest winter months of January and February, accounting for many of the births in October and November.


A bit of Wisdumb:

Brush your teeth before you get dressed in the morning. No matter how much you scrub the part of your clothing that the toothpaste landed on (and it will land on something) the white stain will reappear later and you run the risk of looking like Monica Lewinsky.



Finally, a little more on the way I am. So last night I ran a few "words of the day" by my dad. We were trying to pick the ones that were blog worthy. (Don't worry, they'll be in an upcoming post) This morning I received the following email:

(Click image for larger view)



Just a note, the second one is pronounced Sniff-full-liss.

       Again, 
                Tree-->     @ @ @  @ @ @
                           @  @\/@ @ /__@
                           @@@ @\ / @/  @ @
                          @\  \/@| @ | @
                         @__\@ \ |/ \| / @
                            __\|@|  ||/__/@
                           /  \ \\  / /__
                          @    \  \/ /   @
                                |" '|
                                |"  |
                                |"  |
                               ~|"  |~  @  <--Apple
                      ~~~~~~~~~       ~~~~~~~~~~
                                       

Two Dented Thumbs Up...

It was 1987 and somehow I ended up in a production of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Typical type casting. Anyway, for my efforts, I was paid the handsome sum of $100. 1987 as some of you may remember was the year that the original Nintendo was released. So obviously, that's where the $100 went. Let me tell you, that was money well spent. I still have that Nintendo to this day and it's every bit as fun now as it was 22 years ago. However, there is one nasty side effect of excessive Nintendoing...which brings us to our first word of the day:

1. Carpal Thummel Syndrome: The dented and aching thumbs resulting from excessive video game playing.


Some of you may remember a very funny sketch on Saturday Night Live a few years back (when SNL was still occasionally funny) called Debbie Downer. It featured Lindsay Lohan and was really only funny because the cast couldn't keep it together. Watch the video below...



Debbie is the perfect example of our next word:

2. Kvetchitarian: Someone that is only capable of two types of verbal communication, whining and complaining. (For the non-jews, click here if you aren't familiar with the word Kvetch)



Ahhhhh, puberty. That painfully awkward time in everyone's life full of voice cracking, tall girls with short boys and of course, acne. Clearasil, Stridex, Neutrogena, it didn't matter, your efforts were futile against those pesky pimples because of our next word:


3. Rezitstance: The ability of a pimple to be completely unaffected no matter what or how much acne medication is applied to it. Rezitstance increases exponentially in conjunction with two factors. The first depends on where the pimple is located, the more obvious the zit, the more rezitstance. The second factor is the level of importance of any event you have to attend within the next few days. School dance, hot date, job interview, guess what? That zit isn't going anywhere.


So remember, don't be a Kvetchitarian about that zit, just stay home and play video games where no one will see you...but remember to rest those thumbs.

Prebeditated Murder...

So last night I started brainstorming for tonight's entry. I decided it was gonna be a word of the day post, so I started thinking up words...and I didn't stop. I'd think of a word, then google it to make sure no one else had thought of it before. No results? Perfect, it's a keeper. I even brought my noteblook (The little notebook shown in the picture that Schnoozle bought for me to keep track of all my wacky ideas...she clearly underestimated the ramifications of that decision) to bed with me so I could keep brainstorming. Schnoozle was dead tired and already in bed trying to go to sleep since she had a 6:30am video conference. Naturally, every time she had just fallen asleep, I'd turn over, reach for my noteblook and scribble down another word...and of course, wake her up for her opinion. After about the eighth time, she had clearly had enough and pretty much threatened my life if I woke her up again. That of course, inspired me to think of our first word for today:

1. Prebeditated Murder: Having thoughts about how you are going to kill someone if they don't let you go to sleep.


I'm sure we have all experienced this next word. You go out to a bar and sure enough, it's Karaoke night. (Kro-Key if you are in Minnesota) Everything is going ok until that one person gets up there and gang rapes a classic song.

2. Karanokey: (pronounced Carry-No-Key) The act of singing an entire karaoke song, and much to the dismay of the audience, not hitting one note right.

Recently, I've had two separate occasions where someone has told me about a resume they received where one of the qualities listed by the applicant was "Attention to detail". The rest of the resume however, was riddled with errors. Misspellings, missing words, formatting issues, etc. Well, I've come up with a name for these people.

3. Ferpectionist: Any person who claims to possess the utmost "attention to detail" yet regularly sends emails or turns in work full of mistakes.


So it's been a long day, you get home from work and you're hungry. You open the fridge and there you are:

4. Refridgerwaiting: The act of standing in front of and staring into the (mostly empty) refrigerator that you already know all the contents of, hoping that you'll see something in there you want to eat that you didn't see the last three times you looked.


Stay tuned, I have a pretty good feeling there will be more coming tomorrow...unless Schnoozle follows through on her prebeditated plan.

Live and Learn...the hard way.

On the sixth night of Hanukkah, my Schnoozle gave to me...
Six chocolate fondue dipped biscottis,
FIVE SLICES OF HAM,
Four Meatballs,
Three Chicken Wings,
Two Egg Rolls,
and a pizza with Pepperooooooooooni.



Tonight's post is another installment of "Word of the Day" Here goes:

Word of the day:

Wisdumb: Knowledge that is acquired by doing something stupid.

Here's a partial (very, very partial actually) list of things I've learned, the hard way, that I think are worth passing on.

-Close your eyes when you snap the lid of the shampoo shut. There seems to be some kind of magnetic force in the eyeball that always attracts the one little drop of shampoo that shoots out when the lid snaps shut. This same force seems to also exist for fresh squeezed lemons, limes, and other citrus fruits.

-If you're at someone's house and have to use the bathroom, first check that there is toilet paper, then do a test "pre-flush" so that you get a good idea of what their toilet is capable of handling.

-Increasing the temperature on the oven is not an effective way to reduce the time needed to cook something.

-Smell the milk before you pour it in the glass. This prevents unnecessarily dirtying a glass if it's bad. Also, do this before you pour the Cereal in the bowl. Nothing worse than having your Cap'n Crunch in the bowl ready to go only to find out that there's no milk, or that the milk is bad. I've had many a morning ruined from this.

-The best way to wash your hands in a public restroom is in the following order. Roll out the paper towels from the dispenser. Yes, you heard me right, do this first. Then, turn on the water, soap your hands, rinse your hands, dry your hands with the towel that is already out....see, no need to touch the nasty towel machine handle thing. Then use the towel to shut off the water and open the door. Perfect.

-Adjust the volume on that thing that is on exercise equipment at the gym (or the one on the airplane) before connecting your headphones. There's always that one 80 year old lady with severe hearing loss at the gym that was on the machine before you watching Murder She Wrote at full blast.


I'm sure Schnoozle could put together an even longer list of Wisdumb I've gained, considering she's witnessed or cleaned up most of it. I bet if we ask her really really nicely, she'll write some of them here. :-)

How I Roll...

On the second night of Hanukkah my Schnoozle gave to me....
Two Egg Rolls,
and a pizza with Pepperooooooooooni.


So Friday I met Junkass for lunch at KFC. Yes, another ManDate. I ate a ridiculous amount of delicious fried chicken, biscuits, mac and cheese and potato wedges. So much in fact, that I skipped dinner since I was still full. Saturday, we had Indian food for dinner. Sunday, as shown above, we had homemade pizza and wings. (Mmmmmm, Anchor Bar wing sauce, the true original Buffalo wing sauce) and tonight, Vietnamese eggrolls and soup, also known as Pho.

Hopefully you are thinking "So What? Not interesting, not funny, get on with it."

The point is this, if you were to have a room full of Southerners, Indians (dot Indians, not feathers Indians...Schnoozle sugar coated it by saying "India, not Native Americans, but as usual I have a more PC way to describe it), East Coasters and Vietnamese, the chances of them all getting along is probably pretty slim. Their food in my stomach is no different. There has been lots of churning, gurgling and so on these past few days.

This brings us to our word of the day. (Just one today, I've clearly been spoiling you all with lots of everything these past weeks)

Crap-Dusting- The act of slowly releasing (so as not to be noticed) intestinal gas while walking around a big, often public area. The method is similar to and inspired by crop dusting, where a farmer sprays pesticide from an aircraft to cover his whole field evenly.

Example: "Dude, I think it must have been all that chili I ate today, but I just non-stop crap-dusted the whole cereal aisle, from Apple Jacks to Wheaties."

So just remember the old song, "Beans, beans, a food you can trust, the more you eat them, the more you Crap-Dust."

Our 2nd Date

One day, some time back, my girlfriend, AimDog, and I received an email from our friend Junkass, who is AimDog's fiance. In the subject line was "Our 2nd Date" and attached was the picture above.

As it turns out, JewBoy and Junkass had spent the entire afternoon together hitting golf balls, running errands and apparently sharing a milkshake. Thus was born our Word of the Day: ManDate.

ManDate - a date in which two males, at least one or both are seemingly heterosexual, spend quality time together in activities such as shopping, attending events, dining and movie watching.

Stay tuned, ManDates make for many blogworthy stories to come...

Oh yes, and they claim that they didn't actually share the milkshake but I think they're just hiding the truth.

Mydeas...

This will be the first installment of the section called "Mydeas". I admit it's a not particularly clever word for My Ideas. A decent title, but not quite word of the day worthy.

So I've always had ideas, mostly for inventions. I guess I've just always had the wiring of an engineer...at least from the idea side, rarely have I followed through and actually created something. It all started when I was little, like single digits little. I had a bit of an obsession for vacuum cleaners. Don't ask me why, but I did. One day I got an idea for an invention. I don't know if it's because I saw someone on a riding lawn mower, or what, but it just came to me...a riding vacuum cleaner. Big hotels, large carpeted areas, long hallways, it'd be perfect. At least I thought so...and actually still kind of do. So I went into the basement and attempted to attach the upright vacuum to the front of my Volkswagen cabrio power wheels. Let's just say, at best, it didn't work out. So here I am, about 20 years later and I still have ideas. Wacky, inappropriate and occasionally good ideas. Here's a couple:

We'll start with the "good" ideal.

A toothbrush with a built in toothpaste reservoir. For those of you that have seen the infomercial for "The Paint Stick", it's a similar concept. The non-brush end of the toothbrush would have a connector for a toothpaste tube to thread in and fill up the handle of the brush. Then when you are ready to brush, you'd slide up a little switch on the base and the toothpaste would come out of a little valve hidden in the bristles. No need to bring toothpaste when you travel. Just think of all the space that would free up in the 1 little plastic bag you're allowed to carry on the plane. Genius.

And now for wacky.

My wacky ideas are usually not at all practical, but make me laugh. It seems that lately there has been a barrage of commercials for air fresheners. It's unreal. Have you ever been in the aisle of the grocery store with air fresheners? There's typically no less than a full half of an aisle from floor to ceiling. (trust me, I know, I have Wegmans experience...Don't worry if you don't know what Wegmans is, It will be a topic for a later post...if not many posts.) Do we really need that many choices? So anyway, back to the point. All the commercials show air fresheners with multiple scents, automatic sprayers, extra plug outlets and who knows what else. Ridiculous. They make it seem like the aroma therapy is going to solve everyone's problems. I doubt it. Smells don't help people, medicine does. And, we all know what the best medicine is, Laughter. I say let's make an air freshener that tells a joke every time it sprays. That's right folks... "Scents of Humor" The funniest, best smelling air fresheners in the world. Just remember that the best thing for that unpleasant odor...(perhaps from a diasaster) is a good "Scents of Humor" of course.

And finally, Inappropriate.

As a man, I would strongly oppose this, since us guys love it, but I think the women out there might appreciate it. Many women wearing tight clothes, especially work out gear, face a similar problem. Camel toe, or possibly even worse, Moose Knuckle. I'm not going to link to definitions. If you don't know what they are, you're gonna have to look them up on your own. The product, appropriately named "No-Toz" would be a small flexible insert for the underwear, shorts or pants to conceal the issue. Pretty much the only reason I thought of this is just so I could direct the commercial. It would be full of athletic women happily running and frolicking round...Camel Toe Free. The background music? There's only one obvious choice, the 1980's hit single by The Go-Go's...."Our Lips Are Sealed"

And there it is, a small peek through the window into my mind and Mydeas.