Several Strategies of Successful Spouses and Significant Others...

So as I come up on my 8th month of marital bliss, I find myself a much wiser man, with respect to women and relationships. I feel it is only fair to pass on this acquired knowledge to you...my loyal readers. Like my previous post about the mighty mammaries, I'll be speaking from the man's point of view. Here's what it boils down to: I think relationships have three distinct stages. The first stage I like to call Datopia. (Day-Toe-Pee-Uh) This is essentially when a couple starts dating and everything seems just perfect...a dating utopia. No matter what the activity is, both people agree to do it and have (or in some cases, pretend to have) a fabulous time.

The second stage I call Datfiance. (Date-Fy-Ence) This is when the man starts openly showing his lack of enjoyment of the activity in a defiant manner. For example, during Datopia the man will appear to show genuine interest as his significant other picks out clothes. He may even say things like-"Yeah, those pants look nice, I like the shirt too". Once he has entered Datfiance, as soon as they enter the store, he makes a B-line for the "Man Chair" that every women's store has just outside the dressing room. He openly refuses to assist with the shopping and has no remorse about showing his complete lack of interest. He passes the time by playing on his phone while babysitting the collection of shopping bags from the previous stores.

The third and final stage I refer to as Datvoidance. (Date-Void-Ence) Knowing what the activity involves, this is when the man "nips it in the bud" and flat out refuses to participate. For example- Her: "I'm going to the mall, are you coming?" Him: "No."

Unfortunately, Datvoidance isn't always an option. This is where today's lesson begins. These are my suggestions for how to best manage the Chicktivities (Common activities that chicks try to rope men into) that most men have no interest in. I'll list them by Chicktivity and the type of girl typically guilty of it.

1. The Bookstore- A favorite pastime of the Bookworm chick. This chicktivity involves spending countless hours walking around the bookstore looking at and buying books that will no doubt end up on the bookshelf unread like the 5 books she bought the last time you went there.

How to handle it- Most bookstores have an "Art" section. (I know what you're thinking...just stay with me.) The art section is divided into many categories. In most large bookstores, one of these categories is photography. While color pictures of naked girls in magazines is considered porn, (and usually sealed in those annoying plastic bags) black and white pictures of naked girls in hardcover books is Art. Jackpot! Sure, they're a little artsy-fartsy and you'll probably have to deal with the occasional hairy arm pitted naked chick that looks like she has squirrel's tail in a leg-lock. But, it sure as hell beats standing there while she thumbs through the latest novel from the author that wrote "The Devil Wears Prada". You get to thumb through the books where the chicks wear nada.

2. Reality TV- There's a lot of chicks out there that are reality TV junkies. If your girl is one of them, I got you covered.

How to handle it- There's no shortage of reality TV crap out there. Your strategy is to get her hooked on the right one. My suggestion, "The Girls Next Door". This E! series focused on Hugh Hefner's recent trio of blondes. That's right, behind the scenes of the playboy mansion. Sounds pretty good huh? There's a catch though...DO NOT WATCH IT ON E!. Those bastards censor all the good stuff. Pony up the $5 and rent the DVD's...they are uncensored. She gets all the reality TV she wants and you don't have to deal with the blurred out boobies and bootys. That's right, the DVD's show it all...and there's lots of it.

3. Shoe Shopping- I still haven't been able to figure out this obsession, but for some reason it seems to run rampant among most females. This really is one of the most painful of all the chicktivities.

How to handle it- It's time to call in the big guns. Get your girl a gay boyfriend. He's your pinch hitter for this, the most excruciating of the chicktivities. Every girl needs a gay boyfriend. Sure, hanging out with the girls is good, but that isn't always an option. With the gay boyfriend, she gets the feeling of being with a man, but with all the benefits of a girl...and there's no threat to you. Shoe shopping? He loves it. But it doesn't stop there. Her favorite musical comes to town...Hugh Grant has a new movie out...The local museum is doing an exhibit of fashion through the decades? Guess who'd love to take her? I'll tell you who, her gay boyfriend. All you have to do is pay for the tickets. She'll think you're so sweet for finding something she'd enjoy doing and you get to stay home on the couch keeping your balls adequately scratched. It's win-win.


Have a chicktivity you're struggling with? Feel free to ask my advice in the comment section.

Oh yeah...and click on the advertisements. After I gave you such valuable knowledge, it's the least you can do.