The Last Thing A Bug Sees....

So the joke goes like this...

What's the last thing a bug sees before it hits your windshield?

It's ass.

I think this might have a bit of a chicken and egg story. Some of you may remember this famous Porsche Poster that I am pretty sure is from 1996.

Great car and a great ad. But, which came first? Was it the joke that inspired the ad, or was it the ad that inspired the joke. Or, did those crazy Germans just come up with it? Let's face it, Germans aren't exactly known for their sense of humor, so I'm guessing the joke was around before the ad.

Anyway, bugs on windshields are what led me to today's Mydea.

Here's the usual scenario. You're out driving and a bug (or several bugs) hits your windshield as shown in the lovely image above. Bam! There it is in the middle of your field of vision. Even though years of experience should have taught you better, you pull back the wiper arm in an attempts to wash it off the window. You cross your fingers hoping that this time will be different, but...Nope. Sure enough, it smears bug guts all over the windshield in a perfect arc and is way worse than the single spot of bug guts was. For anyone that shares my obsessive compulsive disorder for a clean windshield, this is absolute torture.

Well, as I'm sure you have guessed, I've solved the problem.

Windshield Scripers: Windshield wipers that have a built in scrubby sponge to effectively clean off any bugs or other nastiness from the windshield. It's kind of like my other half and half ideas, since it's half wiperand half scrubby sponge. This one's a little more serious. See diagram and explanation below. (Click on picture for larger view.)

It functions as a normal wiper when set to intermittent, low or high. But, when you pull back the lever to "wash", the arm pivots at the pivot point shown in the diagram to put the green scrubby sponge side against the window while the wiper fluid is dispensed. The scrubby sponge along with the wiper fluid quickly powers through any stuck on bug guts, then it pivots back to the normal wiper blade part to do the final "squeegee" wipe, leaving the windshield clean and dry. The scrubby sponge part would snap on to the wiper arm so that it can be replaced independent of the rest of the wiper assembly. Plus, since the scrubby part is doing all of the major scraping of baked on goop, the wipers would last much longer anyway. See how I'm always thinking about saving money? After a few months, the scrubby part would be full of bug guts and other grime, so you can just replace it.

Genius? Just so so? Stupid? Let me know what you think.


P.S. Consider this copyrighted, tradmarked, or whatever else I have to do to make sure I can get credit if anyone steals this idea. Any of my readers patent attorneys?

Shout Out To The Peanut Gallery....

So tonight is going to be a little change from the normal post. I do my best to create 100% original content for this blog. The words, ideas, jokes, stories, etc, are all things I've come up with on my own. So, if you see any of it somewhere else, it's purely coincidence.

However, it appears that I have been a bit of an inspiration to some of my readers. I have gotten blog topic, idea and word suggestions from friends, family members and co-workers. I'd like to take the opportunity to share a couple of what I consider to be some of the best of these.

1).
A friend of mine works as a teacher in a middle school. Apparently they've been having a bit of an issue with the bathrooms. The kids have decided that they would like to use the floor as a urinal and the walls for some fecal artistry. Lovely. He was lucky enough to get the job of checking the bathrooms for such issues. While inspecting the condition of the bathrooms, the following word of the day came to him.

Doo-doo Diligence: The act of thoroughly inspecting all of the available bathroom stalls or port-o-pottys to find the cleanest one to use.


2).
This one came from my dad. We've all been there. Whether it's a toll booth, grocery check out, port-o-potty, or something similar, there's a good chance of a line. This will cause you to find yourself in the following situation...

Dislaneia: The act of getting into what appears to be the shortest line, but having it end up taking the longest amount of time.

3).
Of course, there's gonna be one from me. I had a former roommate that watched quite a bit of Television. On many occasions he would attempt to watch two things at once. Typically this was a sit-com and a sporting event. Over the years he became quite skilled at this and was able to master the art of...

TV-Advoidance: The ability to change the channel right before the advertisements and flip back just as the show is returning. Done skillfully, this maximizes the amount of time you get to watch the secondary program while not missing any of the crucial details of the primary program. However, it's worth noting that if you have not mastered this skill, it's INCREDIBLY annoying for anyone else that is watching TV with you.


Feeling inspired? Got an idea you think is a good one? Send me your thoughts, because everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Must "Half" Mydeas...

So as I mentioned yesterday, I have a couple of half and half Mydeas of my own. I thought of all sorts of things that are typically separate but might work better together. Hardwood carpets, windshield wipers with built in ice scrapers, hot dog shaped hamburgers. (I thought that would be more appetizing than a hamburger shaped hot dog, even I'm grossed out by the thought of that. Plus, there'd be no more need to make two different shapes of buns which means you are more likely to have a matching number of buns and burgers/dogs) I also thought about laptops with built in projectors and a whole bunch of other things. I settled on two for today.

Here goes:

Ketchard: (catch-erd, accent on the catch) Half Ketchup, Half Mustard. Think of it as the Goober Grape of picnic condiments. This would be a perfectly balanced blend of ketchup and mustard (a little heavier on the ketchup of course) in one convenient container. It would come out in a similar way as toothpaste, in that the two would be distinguishably separate, but next to each other. (As shown in the image above) This saves space in the fridge or the picnic basket, which means...more room for beer...which takes us to the next "half and half" mydea.

The Phonepener A3D: (phone-pen-er) Half Mobile Phone, Half Bottle Opener. Let's say you're at a picnic and you grab a burger off the grill, add a little Ketchard, take a bite...it's delicious. Now you need something cold to wash that down. You grab a Corona, or a Heineken and after mutilating your hand, you remember that it's not a twist off. No problem, just grab a bottle opener. Ohhhhhhh...you don't have a bottle opener? Well, I bet you have your phone. Everyone these days always has their phone. Look into any car you drive next to...one hand on the wheel, one hand on the phone. It's pretty much become an appendage for most people. The Phonepener makes perfect sense to me. With the Phonepener you can crack open that cold one anywhere and enjoy. Whether you're at a picnic, a party, out on the boat or the golf course, there's no barrier between you and your beer.

But JewBoy, Why is it called the A3D? Ah Ha! I'm glad you asked.

With the integrated bottle opener, the phone is able to keep track of how many beers it has opened. It's sophisticated internal software knows who has opened the beer (finger print identification) and can calculate the approximate tolerance of the person (Calculates BMI from their fat, sweaty hand). This is where the A3D steps in. Automatic Drunk Dial Disabler. That's right, the phone will know if you've had too much to drink and automatically disable the ability to make any late night phone calls or send text messages. This effectively eliminates that hungover morning of embarassment. So drink all you want, you don't have to worry about explaining to your clingy psycho ex-girlfriend/boyfriend the next morning why you called them at 3am and begged them to take you back.

The Halfs and Half Nots...

Tonight's post is a little long, so get comfy...

So it was a big day today. We "half" a new president. The biggest deal of course, is that he's the first black president. Well, sort of. Technically, he's only half black...which is why he is frequently referred to in the media as "halfrican". (A non-derogatory word describing anyone who has one black parent) I feel like calling him black is like calling Brunch- Breakfast or Lunch. Yeah, it's sort of right, but it's just not the same. Brunch is so much more than just breakfast or lunch. It's this delicious meal where you can sleep in, then wake up and have eggs, bacon, french toast, coffee, macaroni and cheese, roast beef, chicken wings and fancy desserts all at the same buffet. Oh, how I love Brunch. Anyway, I digress...I give him lots of credit, he's worked hard, he's smart, a good speaker and my former roommate who's locker was next to his at the country club in Chicago says he's a real nice guy. He's walked into quite a shit-storm, but continues to be inspiring, positive and committed to making change. I wish him the best of luck, he'll need it.

Obviously I'm all for ethnic integration, look at Schnoozle and me. What would happen if we had a child (no, we don't have any plans to do that anytime soon, if ever, so stop asking) and it grew up to be president. Would it be the first Jewish president or the first Asian president? Could it be both? Would that be double dipping? So many questions...

So all the events of today made me think of other well known "half and halfs". Some of them have risen to greatness, like Obama, and some of them, well, not so much. I call them, The Halfs and Half Not's. Here goes....


We'll start with "The Halfs"...

The Knork: Half knife, half fork, all genius. While similar to the spork, I purposely picked this one instead. While the spork is excellent, (and found pretty much only at KFC) it doesn't free up a hand. Knife and forking requires two hands. With the knork, your non-dominant hand stays free to hold a book or newspaper open, or even use a phone. It's a triumph in efficiency.

The Arnold Palmer: Half iced tea and half lemonade, all delicious. Tea too plain and bitter? Lemonade too sweet and tart? No problem, this is the perfect solution. Cool and refreshing all while being not too sweet or too bland. This is a hole in one.

The Futon: Half couch, half bed, all business. I don't think I know anyone who didn't have one of these at some point during college. The futon is also affectionately known as the "Flip-N-Fuck" for it's tendency to host a variety of hook ups. Overall, it's the most cost effective way for a struggling college student to be able to sit and watch TV but still host the occasional freeloading house guest. Awesome.

Boxer Briefs: Half Boxer, Half Brief. The comfort you want with the support you need. It's like a sports bra for your testicles.

2-in-1 Shampoo/Conditioners: Half Shampoo, Half Conditioner. I did extensive calculations and added up the time it takes in the shower to get wet, wash your hair, rinse, condition, rinse, then wash your body and rinse. A 2-in1 can provide up to a 17% reduction in shower time. At an estimated 7 minutes a shower, that's a little over 1 minute saved per shower. That's almost a whole alarm clock snooze per week. Brilliant.

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups: Half Chocolate, Half Peanut Butter, totally decadent.
Dear Mr. Reeses,
You Rock!
Love,
Everyone without peanut allergies.



Now for the Half Nots...

The El Camino: Half Car, Half Pickup Truck, completely stupid. Found in overgrown front yards of trailers everywhere. Note to the Subaru Baja, you should have known better.


The Mullet: Half Business, Half Party. Usually found attached to the head of El Camino drivers. We can thank Billy Ray for this gem...and for Hannah Montana. Someone please add "Crippling kick to the groin of young Billy Ray" to Marty McFly's to do list.

The Keytar: Half Guitar, Half Keyboard, completely 80's. I'm guessing Keytar Hero won't be found on video game store shelves anytime soon.

Rupaul: Half Man, Half Woman, maybe. Whatever happend to this train wreck? Has she been officially replaced by the pregnant man? Sachet, Shonte...Go Away...and stay there.


Stay tuned for tomorrow's edition- Half and Half Mydeas.

This Little Piggy...

So, today I received two comments on last night's post.

1. Anonymous said...

What was that? Did you get a ghost writer? Come back!

January 19, 2009 8:48 AM

2. Anonymous said...

This post was not funny. Maybe you need to find a new hobby!

January 19, 2009 11:32 AM

I'll address the second comment. First of all, I think it's funny. Is it my best work? Probably not, but I think it's still amusing. I'd even say it's funnier than the "Made In Taiwan" shirt I designed for Schnoozle. I also think it was good considering it was well after midnight and instead of skipping a day, I came up with something 100% original (like I have done everyday for the past 40 days) so my loyal followers wouldn't be without a post.

Consider the first word a bit of historical political satire. On today of all days, (MLK) I think it's funny to think that a policy like that could have ever been considered ok. It's nice to see how far we've come. Also, it's a play on words for "lactose intolerance"...in case you missed that.

For the second part...In times of financial crisis like we have now, the feeling of instocksication is a rare one at best. So, when you see some of your money actually coming back, it's truly spectacular and worth making a word about.

As for the title, "Piggies and the Market" I think it's fair to say that's a clever twist on the two words. We're all familiar with "this piggy went to market' that our parents played with our toes as little kids. This ties in with the toes theme of the first word. The word "Market" is a pun on the "Market" reference in the second word. Suffice it to say, there's a lot going on here for a 3 minute late night post.

As for a new hobby, I was considering making cowardly anonymous negative postings on people's blogs, but unfortunately, there's already enough piggies in that market.

That is all.

Time for this little piggy to go have some roast beef.

Piggies And The Market...

It's late, so just a couple of quick Words Of The Day.

Blacktoes Intolerant: Any spa that refuses pedicure services to african americans.

Instocksication:The brief sense of euphoria you feel when you look at your financial portfolio and everything has gone way up.

(One of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me...

This will be the first what I'm pretty sure will be many posts known as "(One Of) The Day(s) Schnoozle Almost Killed Me". Just to clarify, these will be describing the times when she knowingly and purposely wanted to prematurely end my life (prebeditated or not)...not the many times when I am riding in the car and she is suffering from DWA.

If you've ever watched any of the shows on TV where a new couple is house shopping, there is one thing that always happens without fail. They walk into the house, the girl looks around, comments on the carpet, the woodwork, the kitchen and all the other details. The guy always has one comment. "That's where I'd put the big TV". I'm no different. The first thing I bought when I moved to Minneapolis was a big TV. I named it Stevie. Stevie the TV. 42" to be exact, from Costco of course. Why Costco? Costco had the lifetime satisfaction guarantee. That means if for any reason, I became unhappy with the TV, I could return it for the full purchase price, no questions asked. Well, about 3 months after I bought the TV, they canceled that policy. Anyone who had purchased a TV was "grandfathered" in for one exchange. I knew that my use of the plan would have to be very well calculated as I only had one chance. Then it happened. About a year later the 50" version with all the new bells and whistles went on sale. I knew this was my chance. I told Schnooz that I was going to upgrade. She kind of shook her head and mumbled something about the fact that the existing TV was way too big for the room and me being retarded. I'm not sure exactly what she said since all I could think about was the new bigger TV and mostly because I wasn't really listening. I packed up the old TV, threw it in the back of the big car and off to Costco I went. I brought it in, told them that I moved the furniture around and now the TV was opposite a wall and had a bad glare. The new model had an anti-reflective coating so I wanted to get that one instead. They didn't even flinch and handed me a fistfull of cash. I got the new TV (Stevie II), put it in the car and headed back home. Mission successful. In fact, it's probably one of the best deals I've ever pulled off....next to my Northwest Airlines scheme...but that is for another day.

Stevie the TV is heavy. It weighs about 1.3 Schnoozles. (Note: A Schnoozle is a unit of weight measurement I have developed that is equal to the approximate weight of Schnoozle. For example, I weigh about 1.5 Schnoozles and a case of beer weighs about 0.2 Schnoozles.) There was no way that I could carry it up the stairs myself so I asked Schnoozle to help me. We got it upstairs and I started to open the box. That's when it all began. Schnooz saw the size of the new TV and began to flip out. It kind of went something like this..."That TV is way to big...blah blah blah...There was nothing wrong with the last one...It's too big for our little living room...blah blah blah...and some other stuff." All I could think was, I can't wait to see how great it looks. The TV came out of the box and after some more verbal abuse, I convinced her to help me lift it onto the table. Big mistake. We each grabbed an end started to lift. I got my side up, but Schnooz was struggling. Finally she blurted out, "DOWN, down, put it down". It was one thing for her to think that a new TV was stupid and a total waste, but, when her pride got hurt cause it was too heavy for her to lift, she pretty much went off the deep end. We put the TV down. Schnooz looked up at me, red faced and yelled "FU&K THIS!" and stormed off to sit at her computer desk. So now I'm in the living room, alone, with a giant TV on the floor. Great. I tried lifting it up a couple of times but no luck. Now, an important point here is that Schnooz's desk has a perfect line of sight to the living room. So, she can see me struggling. I wasn't about to give her that satisfaction, so I put the TV's box up on its side in the doorway to block her view. Haha! Take that! After many unsuccessful attempts, my engineering prowess came through and I figured out a way to get the TV on the table. TA DA! I hooked it all up and sat on the couch. Wow, it really was big for the room. Then I thought of a trick. I moved the bookcases over a little and slid the couch back, so it wouldn't look as big. From the couch I yelled, "SCHNOOZ!!!, COME IN AND LOOK". She begrudgingly walked in and sat down.

Think of everything you know about math and time. Now think about what the absolute smallest measurable amount of time could be? A millisecond, a microsecond, nanosecond maybe? Well take the smallest amount, then cut it in half. That's about how long it took Schnooz to realize that I had moved all the furniture to make the TV look smaller. My brilliant plan was exposed. Dammit. Schnooz- "You moved the furniture, it's still too big, you're an ass"

I looked at her and said, "Here's the deal, there's pretty much three things in this world that can't ever be too big. You have two of them, I have one, and the other is staying right there on the table." Somehow, Stevie II and I managed to live through that comment and that day.

Isn't he handsome?