In Good Taste...

If the food you are eating is delicious, please offer me a taste. If it is horrible, please do not. Why do so many people have this completely backwards? "Ewwww....this is gross....taste this." Stupid.

A Tight Squeeze...

Why is it that some women are able to fit a size 14 ass into a size 10 pair of pants, but are completely incapable of getting a 6ft wide SUV into an 8ft wide parking space?

Out of Pocket No More...

So I know I've been "out of pocket" for a while, but no worries, I'm back. I have accumulated some good ideas and material. I'm gonna change it up a little though. The feedback I've gotten is that my posts tend to exceed the attention span of the readers. So, I'm gonna post shorter ones, but more often.....at least more often than I have been. In fact, there will be one new one every night this week. Let me know what you think of the new format.

So, here's today's...


A bit of "Wisdumb"-

Don't keep things in your shirt pocket that aren't waterproof. Specifically, toilet waterproof. Any man that has ever leaned over to lift the toilet seat knows exactly what I am talking about.

So? What did "Jew" do?

So, I'm sure you're all wondering how the furniture decision turned out. Here's what I did...

I called the first buyer and told him there was a lot of interest in the furniture and that I had several offers for more money than the price we agreed to. I told him that I would still honor the agreement we made, but I would not be at all flexible on price or pick up date/time. He understood and appreciated that I would honor our verbal agreement. He showed up right on time with his older brother and they removed and carried all the furniture to the U-Haul...without scratching or denting any walls or floors. He was no older than about 20 and was moving into his first place....hence the need for the furniture. He thanked me very much and said that he really appreciated that I honored the $200 price. He said he wanted to pay me the extra $100, but didn't get paid till the following Friday, but could bring it to me then. I was very impressed with the gesture, but told him not to worry about it. I said I was happy that I could help out a young guy that was just starting out and he'd get more out of that $100 than I would. All in all, I felt pretty good about it. In addition to that...I'd also like to say that I'm impressed with my circle of friends and readers. Pretty much everyone I talked to said to honor the verbal agreement and not back out on it just for the extra $100.

They say people are judged by the company they keep...so I'm thankful that I have friends like that to keep me looking good. :-)


Who would have ever thought I'd write a sappy feel good post on this blog....Ewwww. I'm gonna go wash my hands. Stay tuned for some new bloggings...we'll be back to the funny stuff soon.

What Should "Jew" Do?

I know it's been a while since I've posted....and I promise that I will begin posting again. But, right now, I need your help. You, my loyal readers need to help me with a very difficult decision.

Here's the situation:

We are selling some bedroom furniture. I put an ad on Craigslist for the furniture for $200. That evening I received a call from an interested buyer. He promised to purchase the furniture and pick it up this Saturday. He has already reserved a U-Haul and confirmed the pick up. I agreed to wait until Saturday to sell it to him. I edited the ad on Craigslist to say "SALE PENDING" Should be easy right? Nope.

Today I received the following email:

Hey there,

I know this ad says "Pending Sale" but it's sooooo exactly what I'm looking for! I would be willing to pay $300 cash and pick this up at your earliest convenience. I live in Shakopee and it doesn't take me long to get to uptown from here.

If you can respond and let me know if this is still available and if we can work something out, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Carlos


So I am torn between the following decisions...

1. Do I honor my verbal agreement with the first buyer for $200 and be an ethical person?

2. Do I revert to my heritage and take advantage of the better deal and the extra $100?

3. Do I make it interesting and offer the furniture to the first buyer for $250, but include the name and email address of the buyer that is willing to pay $300? Win-Win for the both of us... I make an extra $50 from the original deal and don't feel so torn about my morals and honor....and, he gets to decide which he wants more-the furniture, or the nearly guaranteed $50 profit for flipping the furniture....maybe he could even ask for more...he does already have a U-Haul and could deliver it....that's added value.

To you, my loyal followers, I need your help!! Please comment with your thoughts and ideas. ASAP!

To the front, to the front....to the back, to the back....

So as I alluded to in my last post, I had a couple of ideas for a shirt and a bumper sticker.

As I mentioned in Mammary Mythbusting, men love boobs. Men also love staring at boobs. Trust me, I know this from experience...lots and lots of experience. In fact, I got caught staring at a set by my mother when she was visiting. (AWKWARD!) We were at Target and the women next to me in line (a new mother...and you know what that means...nice and full) was wearing a tight, thin tank top....and going commando. It was odd, despite the warm weather, she appeared to be very cold...if you know what I mean. My mom called me out and said..."Do you think you could have been a little more obvious?" Whatever...if you're wearing a shirt like that with your high beams on...you lose all right to complain about guys staring at them. Anyway, I digress. I'm pretty confident that women are not a fan of this. So, as a way to repent for my obvious gawking, I designed them this shirt.

While I realize this is only appropriate for a subset of all the women out there, don't worry, I have designs for the others. Canadian and not so well endowed? We could have Eh! cups. As in, Stop staring at my Eh! cups....Eh! Or, for some of the marine loving Mamas, the cups would have a little picture of the ocean...for...you guessed it.."Sea Cups". D Cups and above....honestly, it doesn't matter what you wear...we're gonna stare.


Onto my next idea...

I've always loved cars. I've also always really enjoyed driving....and then I moved to Minnesota. Driving here is pretty much my absolute nightmare. I have seen people here do the most unbelievable things. They'll stop at the end of an on-ramp with their signal on and sit there trying to merge onto the 60mph highway. They'll make right turns from the left turn lane. They'll use the shoulder to pass on the right when the left lane is wide open...unreal. However, one of my biggest pet peeves is when you are in the right or center lane of a highway with the lane to your left wide open, and some douchebag comes flying up on your ass and tailgates you. Seriously, WTF? The left lane is wide open. I'd say 7 out of 10 times it's some wanna be tough guy retard. Women are also guilty of this behavior...but slightly less. So, I designed this bumper sticker for the guys guilty of this crime.

I mean, if you drive that way, it's really obvious enough. But, I figure we might as well call a spade a spade. So go ahead, tailgate me. You're just admitting to what all of us already know. Dickhead. For the girls...perhaps a "Tailgate me....if your ass looks fat in those jeans" would be a good one? That might do the trick.




Give yourself a bonus point if you read the title of this post and got the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

You get half of a bonus point if you read the line above this and now have the Tootsie Roll song stuck in your head.

No idea what I'm talking about....click below and wait for 0:36.
Now Dip, Baby Dip!

More, More Wit and Wisdumb...Part 2 of 2...

So I got pretty good feedback on my last round of Wit and Wisdumb...glad to hear it. Now it's time for the long anticipated part 2.

Here goes:

So, Schnooze and I are thinking about buying a new house. Naturally, we have been doing a lot of house shopping lately. One day while browsing through a house, I had a great idea.... If I were a thief, an open house is pretty much the greatest thing ever. I mean really, you can just walk into the house (many of which are totally furnished and still have all the home owners belongings in them) browse around, "case the joint" and plan your attack. I mean, all they have is some realtor sitting there to tell you how they just refinished the floors or something....then, you're allowed to roam freely through the house....alone. You could pocket anything you want, get a good idea of the layout, find out if the owners are living there or not, or even unlock a strategic window to make for an easy entrance late at night. The whole thing seems pretty risky to me. Of course, this post in no way condones stealing or breaking into houses....it's just a thought, that's all.

Here's a quickie...What happens if someone that keeps Kosher catches the swine flu?

As many of you know, Schnooze and I really enjoy cooking. As many of you may also know, I have a fairly large nose...which I do my best to keep as clean and tidy as possible. Now, on a different and soon to be related topic, you may not know that the inside membrane of your nose is very sensitive to capsaicin...the part of peppers that make them taste spicy. So, my advice to you is, NEVER pick your nose after cutting jalapenos...or any other spicy peppers. Wow! It's a really special type of pain.

And finally, here's one of my favorites bits of Wisdumb:

I pretty much go out to eat for lunch every day. I am also "fortunate" enough to work with what could very well be the two fastest eaters alive. So, it's pretty much a regular occurrence that they are completely done with their meal and ready to leave before I am even halfway through. Being cheap and wanting to get my money's worth, I always take the leftovers with me. Conveniently, our office has a refrigerator that I can keep my leftovers in until it's time to go home. However, it's very easy to forget about them. There were many occasions where I got home, ready for my afternoon snack, only to realize it was still in the fridge at work. Dammit! Well, I figured out the solution. Put your car keys with your leftovers. That way, you can't go home without the leftovers. Simple as that! Of course you may walk all the way out to your car only to realize you don't have your keys...but, at least you won't have to do it again on an empty stomach. Ah Ha! (Note: The picture above is my home fridge and used for illustrative purposes only. It's not the fridge at my office, so that should explain the beer.)

And there it is....Wit and Wisdumb part 2. Stay tuned for my T-shirt and Bumper sticker ideas.