Let My People Go!

So as many of my fellow tribesmen may know, we're smack dab in the middle of Passover. For the rest of you, it's the day after Easter. (I'm pretty confident anyone that doesn't celebrate one of those two holidays is not a reader of this blog...and let's face it, I think it's pretty safe to say the Muslim community doesn't share my warped sense of humor.) So I thought it would be appropriate to do another Holiday Face Off. This time, we'll be comparing Easter to Passover...from my point of view of course. I'll break it up into categories and then decide which Holiday I feel is the winner. As usual, the supporting examples will be extremely biased in favor of my personal opinion. My blog...my rules.

Here goes:

Overview:

Jews: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat. Sound familiar? That's because it's the same for all of our holidays.

Christians: They (or, according to Mel Gibson, "We") killed him. But, he came back. Let's eat.

Verdict: Tie


The Meal:

Jews: The passover meal is also known as a Seder...which pretty much translates to "Order", as in there is an order of things that has to happen. It starts with some prayers in Hebrew, then you eat a piece of parsley dipped in salt water, then some raw horseradish, then some Matzah (see description below), then some apple and walnut paste meant to symbolize the cement used to make the pyramids, (Is your mouth watering yet?) then there's some more Hebrew, and then Matzah ball soup. (See below) Yes, this is the most famous of all the passover foods. A bowl of nearly clear broth with a couple of golf ball sized ground up Matzah balls. No, there's no noodles, they aren't allowed...we'll talk about that later. Just as a note, depending on your level of Jewishness, this part of the Seder leading up to the soup can take well over an hour. As you can imagine, kids love it.



Christians: Sit down and immediately start eating the items mentioned in the food section below.

Verdict: Some things are not worth the wait. Matzah is absolutely one of them. This one goes to Easter.

Food:

Jews: Matzah. For those of you that have never eaten Matzah, I'll do my best to explain it. Go to the grocery store and find the bread aisle. Then, walk as far away from it as you possibly can. You should end up in the stockroom in the back of the store. Perfect. Find a box that contains any grain based product. Cereal, pasta, rice...any of them will work. Remove all the products from the box. Now, tear off a piece of the box that they came in and eat it. Ta Da! Matzah. I won't even get into the Gefilte Fish or Manschewitz anything.



Christians: Yet another cooking magazine cover-worthy display of delicious delicacies. Glazed ham, candied carrots, baked pastries and breads. Yum. Let's not forget all the spring flowers and beautifully pastel painted decorated eggs.



Verdict: There's a reason it's called breaking bread, not Matzah. Easter wins this one.

Children's Activity:

Jews: The search for the Afikoman. The Afikoman is a piece of Matzah that is hidden during the Seder. At the end of the meal, the children are sent to find the hidden piece of Matzah. About 9 times out of 10, it's under the table cloth of one of the adults plates. How else are you going to hide a piece of Matzah without leaving the table. It usually takes kids till about the age of 4, maybe 5 if they are a little slow, to figure that one out. The reward for finding it? The meal is officially over and you can go play with the 30 year old lame toys that your Gramma has from when your parents were kids. However, some families reward the winner with a monetary prize...go figure.

Christians: Easter Egg Hunt. Candy and treat filled Easter eggs are hidden all over the house and yard. Kids get to run all over the place collecting them, then opening them to reveal the candy or toys inside. I can say with absolute certainty that none of the eggs will contain Matzah.

Verdict: All the eggs are in Easter's basket for this one.

Rules:

Jews: Passover brings with it an incredibly complicated list of dietary restrictions. Obviously you can't have bread, but you also can't really have any other grains. That means no pasta, no cereal, no rice, NO PIZZA! But, you also can't have foods made from those grains, so things like corn syrup are also forbidden. Needless to say this makes for a very limited diet of tasty foods. You pretty much end up eating eggs, cheese, meat, fruit and vegetables all week. Along with shooting your cholesterol through the roof, it also does some nasty things to your digestive system. As my dad would say, you truly start to understand what Moses meant when he said "Let my people go. " And for dessert? Macaroons. Macaroons are little coconut cookies that pretty much taste like how old people smell. They try to make them more palatable by dipping them in chocolate, but that's about as useful as Rosie O'Donnell putting on makeup.

Christians: Eat whatever you want...including peeps. That's right, the once a year treat of little yellow and pink sugar coated marshmallows. I also need to mention Cadbury Eggs. Rich chocolate filed with gooey who knows what. Yum.



Verdict: Easter, by a landslide of delicious candy.


Mascot:

Jews: Moses? Dear Moses, you could part a sea, but didn't think to stop and ask for directions? The only place it should take 40 years to get to is a mid-life crisis.

Christians: Easter Bunny. This adorable chocolate and candy dispensing bunny hops around delivering treats to all the girls and boys.



Verdict: There's a reason rabbit's feet are lucky.



So there it is, Easter is the clear winner. Hippity Hop Hooray!