Fowl Language...

So it's gonna be a quick one tonight because I just got home and I'm tired. I have a couple of words of the day to hold you over until my next masterpiece. Whatever that will be.

A lot of people say that the key to comedy is





timing. I somewhat agree, but I think there is one thing that's more important...being able to tell the joke. Some people just can't seem to do it and it drives me crazy. They start out with, "Oh, I just heard this joke, it's like, something about getting to the other side...Hang on, let me think." Too late, you've ruined it. You said the punch line and now, no matter what you say, I know that's how it's going to end and it has no chance of being funny.

So here is our word of the day-

Premature Ejokulater (pronounced...E-Joke- You-later): Anyone who ruins a joke by telling the punchline too soon. This can also describe someone who asks mid joke "if this is that one about getting to the other side", equally irritating.

One more. Speaking of chicken, I feel that this next word of the day is appropriate. We all know that there is nothing more tasty than some hot, fresh perfectly seasoned fried chicken. The problem is that it's not particularly healthy...like most fried foods. However there are occasions where the aroma and appearance of a delicious fried food are sooooo good, that it becomes....

Justifryable: Any fried food that is so delicious smelling and tasting, (Extreme Skinners perhaps?) that it's worth the extra 2 hours on the treadmill (or Lipitor prescription) just to make up for eating it.


So there it is, a good post that's only a little bit fowl.

Small And Sticky...

So, it's warmed up. Tonight is a balmy -11.7. There's lots of things you can do to stay warm, turn up the heat, maybe a little sexual wintercourse, layer up those clothes, or cuddle up under a blanket. We all know what type of material makes the warmest clothes and blankets?...wool of course. But what's the problem with wool? (I'll give you a hint---male genitalia and cold water) That's right, as you can see above, wool also suffers from shrinkage. One day, when I was a kid, my mom and I had a discussion about wool and sheep. We came to the conclusion that this problem could be solved. How?...you ask? Easy, pre-shrink the sheep. I mean really, just resolve the problem at the source. We get wool from sheep, then make the clothes from the wool, then the clothes shrink. If you were to shrink the sheep, the clothes wouldn't be able to. Makes perfect sense to me.

See the picture below:

As you can see, the sheep at the top is a normal untreated sheep. The lower sheep however, has been pre-shrunk. The sheep is submerged in soapy water, rinsed, then dried with a couple of hair dryers. Ta Da!!! Pre-Shrunk Sheep.


The next Mydea comes as a response to a couple of things. Apparently, I remind one of my co-workers of Michael Keaton's character in "Nightshift". He was always thinking up crazy ideas and recording them...For example, Mix the mayo with the tuna before you put it in the can...Brilliant stuff like that. It's a lot like what I do with with this blog. So as he was telling me the story today, I happened to be looking out the window at the cars in the snow covered parking lot. Then I looked at my shoes and was reminded of how I nearly slipped and killed myself about 4 times this morning. Then it came to me....

ShooZaks, by Bridgeston Murphy: Dress shoes (By Johnston Murphy) with snow tire tread (Bridgestone Blizzaks) on the bottom.

I happen to have Bridgestone Blizzaks on one of my cars and I can say first hand, they are like glue on ice and snow. Put that on the bottom of a shoe and slips and falls would be almost non-existant. So who's gonna make the first bid for Mydea? Bridgestone, Johnston Murphy, Health insurance companies...I'm open to anything.

So there it is...Something small and something sticky. What did you think I was gonna write about?

More Wit and Wisdumb...

Today is going to be a bit of a blog buffet. There's going to be a Word Of The Day, some Wisdumb and a little more of "The Way I Am".


As you can see in the picture I just took, my trusty outdoor thermometer (found at your local Target store) says it is -12.3 degrees outside. That is just the ambient temperature, if you include wind chill, it's around -30 or so. How nice. There are a couple of things that happen when it's this cold outside. First, people don't really go anywhere, it's just too damn cold. Second, since people aren't going out anywhere, they stay home and try to keep warm. Finally, there is a rise in the number of births the following October and November. A rise in births you might ask? Yes. This is due to our word of the day.

Sexual Wintercourse: Any sexual act that occurs when people stay home to avoid the cold and try to keep warm. This typically happens in the coldest winter months of January and February, accounting for many of the births in October and November.


A bit of Wisdumb:

Brush your teeth before you get dressed in the morning. No matter how much you scrub the part of your clothing that the toothpaste landed on (and it will land on something) the white stain will reappear later and you run the risk of looking like Monica Lewinsky.



Finally, a little more on the way I am. So last night I ran a few "words of the day" by my dad. We were trying to pick the ones that were blog worthy. (Don't worry, they'll be in an upcoming post) This morning I received the following email:

(Click image for larger view)



Just a note, the second one is pronounced Sniff-full-liss.

       Again, 
                Tree-->     @ @ @  @ @ @
                           @  @\/@ @ /__@
                           @@@ @\ / @/  @ @
                          @\  \/@| @ | @
                         @__\@ \ |/ \| / @
                            __\|@|  ||/__/@
                           /  \ \\  / /__
                          @    \  \/ /   @
                                |" '|
                                |"  |
                                |"  |
                               ~|"  |~  @  <--Apple
                      ~~~~~~~~~       ~~~~~~~~~~
                                       

Two Dented Thumbs Up...

It was 1987 and somehow I ended up in a production of The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. Typical type casting. Anyway, for my efforts, I was paid the handsome sum of $100. 1987 as some of you may remember was the year that the original Nintendo was released. So obviously, that's where the $100 went. Let me tell you, that was money well spent. I still have that Nintendo to this day and it's every bit as fun now as it was 22 years ago. However, there is one nasty side effect of excessive Nintendoing...which brings us to our first word of the day:

1. Carpal Thummel Syndrome: The dented and aching thumbs resulting from excessive video game playing.


Some of you may remember a very funny sketch on Saturday Night Live a few years back (when SNL was still occasionally funny) called Debbie Downer. It featured Lindsay Lohan and was really only funny because the cast couldn't keep it together. Watch the video below...



Debbie is the perfect example of our next word:

2. Kvetchitarian: Someone that is only capable of two types of verbal communication, whining and complaining. (For the non-jews, click here if you aren't familiar with the word Kvetch)



Ahhhhh, puberty. That painfully awkward time in everyone's life full of voice cracking, tall girls with short boys and of course, acne. Clearasil, Stridex, Neutrogena, it didn't matter, your efforts were futile against those pesky pimples because of our next word:


3. Rezitstance: The ability of a pimple to be completely unaffected no matter what or how much acne medication is applied to it. Rezitstance increases exponentially in conjunction with two factors. The first depends on where the pimple is located, the more obvious the zit, the more rezitstance. The second factor is the level of importance of any event you have to attend within the next few days. School dance, hot date, job interview, guess what? That zit isn't going anywhere.


So remember, don't be a Kvetchitarian about that zit, just stay home and play video games where no one will see you...but remember to rest those thumbs.

Prebeditated Murder...

So last night I started brainstorming for tonight's entry. I decided it was gonna be a word of the day post, so I started thinking up words...and I didn't stop. I'd think of a word, then google it to make sure no one else had thought of it before. No results? Perfect, it's a keeper. I even brought my noteblook (The little notebook shown in the picture that Schnoozle bought for me to keep track of all my wacky ideas...she clearly underestimated the ramifications of that decision) to bed with me so I could keep brainstorming. Schnoozle was dead tired and already in bed trying to go to sleep since she had a 6:30am video conference. Naturally, every time she had just fallen asleep, I'd turn over, reach for my noteblook and scribble down another word...and of course, wake her up for her opinion. After about the eighth time, she had clearly had enough and pretty much threatened my life if I woke her up again. That of course, inspired me to think of our first word for today:

1. Prebeditated Murder: Having thoughts about how you are going to kill someone if they don't let you go to sleep.


I'm sure we have all experienced this next word. You go out to a bar and sure enough, it's Karaoke night. (Kro-Key if you are in Minnesota) Everything is going ok until that one person gets up there and gang rapes a classic song.

2. Karanokey: (pronounced Carry-No-Key) The act of singing an entire karaoke song, and much to the dismay of the audience, not hitting one note right.

Recently, I've had two separate occasions where someone has told me about a resume they received where one of the qualities listed by the applicant was "Attention to detail". The rest of the resume however, was riddled with errors. Misspellings, missing words, formatting issues, etc. Well, I've come up with a name for these people.

3. Ferpectionist: Any person who claims to possess the utmost "attention to detail" yet regularly sends emails or turns in work full of mistakes.


So it's been a long day, you get home from work and you're hungry. You open the fridge and there you are:

4. Refridgerwaiting: The act of standing in front of and staring into the (mostly empty) refrigerator that you already know all the contents of, hoping that you'll see something in there you want to eat that you didn't see the last three times you looked.


Stay tuned, I have a pretty good feeling there will be more coming tomorrow...unless Schnoozle follows through on her prebeditated plan.

Heiny Helpers...

I know there's been a lot of Mydeas lately, but I'm not about to stop this speeding idea train. So, here's a couple more.


It's a beautiful hot summer day and you're outside at the beach or park or something. You grab a beer, crack it open take a sip, Ahhhhhhh. Then you put it down, do something for a minute, pick it back up for a sip and......yuck, it's warm. Yeah, it doesn't take long for that delicious ice cold beer to turn into warm flat swag. Well, this seems like a natural match made in heaven. The CoolCan.



There's people that have tried this before and over-engineered the hell out of it. Developing new designs with toxic refrigerants and conductive materials, blah. The technology is already out there. It's just that no one has put it all together yet..until I came along. It would be a standard beer can but with a "false bottom". You'd twist the false bottom and it would mix the two chemicals used in instant ice packs. It gets cold instantly and stays cold for up to 30 minutes (for the nursers out there). No more dragging coolers. No more buying ice. No more wasted space in the fridge keeping the beer cold. It's win win. So go ahead, grab yourself a warm one.



Now, to tag along onto last night's idea. We have the toots under control, but what about a different type of undergarment inconvenience..."Creep Up". This is especially common to boxer shorts. You sit down, you slide forward a little, then you stand up. Your pants adjust but your underwear stays halfway up your ass. Then you're forced to try to pull your underwear down without looking like your giving the old undercarriage a little "how's your daddy?". Well, I've come up with a solution.

JockSnaps: Boxer shorts with small button holes or metal snaps sewn as shown in the diagram below to prevent the dreaded Creep up...also known as a wedgie.




All that would be required is a simple alteration to any pair of pants. Put a small button or snap on the inside of the pants right on the seam. It would be totally invisible and line up with the button hole on the boxers. As you stand up, a gentle tug on your thighs realigns both the pants and the boxers. JockSnaps and FlatuScents would of course be compatible to create a truly winning combination. Pass the gas and keep the undies out of your ass.

Better Out Than In...

Well, it's time for another installment of Mydeas. This is one that I've had for a while. We've all been in the situation, digestion is running its natural course and without a doubt, that nasty by-product of stinky air shows up. Burps are easy enough to disguise, but toots? Ahhh, that's not so easy. Or is it? Sure, there's times when you gan get away with it with a simple crap-dusting, but if it's a quiet setting and there's people around, you'll need an insurance policy. Well, here it is:

FlatuScents- A combination of custom designed underwear with insertable sound muffling and odor absorbing/air freshening inserts. They come in all popular shapes, sizes and scents. See the diagram below.




Standard briefs? No problem The FlatuScent-TW (Tighty-Whitey) is for you. Scented inserts available in "Classic Talc" or "Old Spice".






A boxer man? FlatuScents-BX are the perfect choice. Inserts are slightly wider to account for the increased "freedom" that boxers provide. Scents available: "Adrenaline Blast" and "Polished Steel".



Women? Don't think I forgot about you. With FlatuScents-SP (Standard Panty) for the women who haven't (or shouldn't) make the switch to thongs, go ahead, let that gas pass. Scents available: "Spring Garden" and "Citrus Mist".



Finally, all my ladies rocking the thongs, there's FlatuScents-AF (Ass Floss). With an extra narrow insert and scents like "Delicate Devil" and "Sensual Spice" you can dance dance dance, without worrying what's goin on in your pants.


Some may say, "Whoever smelt it dealt it." But they won't...even if you did.