If It Were Up To Me...

After yesterday's filth, tonight will be a cleaner post.

I think we've all been there. You're in a situation and you think to yourself, "If it were up to me..."

Well here's how some things would be if it were up to me.

1. All spoons would have a rubber squeegee edge on one side. That way I could get all of the ice cream out of the bowl.

2. All car doors would slide open like mini vans or Lamborghini's. Door dings really piss me off.

3. Toilet paper would be banned and replaced everywhere with the far superior wet wipes. Thousands of years of civilization and no one has found a better way to wipe your ass than a wad of thin dry paper?

4. Car stereo stores would run a permanent sale. Buy 2 or more sub-woofers, get a free vasectomy.

5. Pizza, nachos and bacon would have the same nutritional value and be just as healthy as spinach, carrots and bananas...so I would have no muffin tops.

6. Wegmans would be a national chain..no, an international chain...no, an intergalactic chain.

7. Airplanes would have a small section of seats surrounded by soundproof glass. That is where all passengers under the age of 10 would sit.

8. You would never be able to see a Starbucks while in another Starbucks.

9. Towels around the waist would be mandatory in every men's locker room when doing anything besides showering. If men want to shave, brush their teeth, make phone calls and talk to people naked, they can join a nudist colony. No one wants to see old hairy balls.

10. Internet access would be blocked for all Nigerian royalty.


11. The Adventures of JewBoy and Schnoozle would win the Bloscar (Oscar for blogs) for best blog ever.

Stimulating Packages...

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The Truth Behind The Facts...

Just as a warning, these are the answers to (and stories behind) yesterday's puzzle. So, if you haven't done the puzzle yet, click here. I put it upside down so it doesn't spoil it if you accidentally look.

Here's the explanation of the answers:

2 Across- Stevie. Although technically Stevie II is a better answer, for this puzzle I felt Stevie was more appropriate and less confusing. Give yourself a bonus point if you know that the name for the full system is Stevie Blu-Ray Vaughn.

4 Across- Stinky Tofu. Yes, that's the actual name for it and it's one of the most popular street food snacks in Taiwan. No matter what you are thinking, I guarantee it's way worse. It's this foul smelling, pungent, deep fried, fermented tofu. I equate it to the aroma of a sweaty gym sock that's been balled up in an old shoe worn by someone that runs marathons in a sewer.

5 Across- Taiwan. Yes, Schnoozle, like most of the things you own, was also made in Taiwan.

6 Across- Wegmans. Obviously. Any grocery store with 6 dedicated groups to it on Facebook totaling over 40,000 members is clearly in a league of it's own. Suck it Kroger, Safeway, and every other store...Except Trader Joe's, I like it there too.

7 Across- Keith. He came with that name. He was a rusty, white, beat up 1990 pathfinder. The girl I bought it from said "We named it Keith cause it looked kind of like an old white dude". I told her my friends called it Keef, cause it was kind of ghetto, she laughed and said her' friends did too. RIP buddy.

9 Across- See through. This goes mostly for any clothing worn by women. (Not fat women.)

10 Across- Snacks and free. I love to snack, especially on free stuff. Double Yum.

1 Down- Jeans and Boobs. This is the outfit that usually follows an appearance of NudieSchnooz. The outfit includes jeans, socks are optional...that's it. Any appearance of Schnoozle wearing this outfit is immediately followed by JewBoy singing "Head, shoulders, jeans and boobs, jeans and boobs" follwed by an attempted molestation...and a slap.

3 Down- Muffin Tops. Named for the place where the muffin explodes from the pan. This is the area of my back and sides that tends to roll over my pants. Also known as Love handles or the spare tire. It's a work in progress.

8 Down- Kiefer. After Keith was tragically killed. I replaced him with Keifer. He's a beautiful Black 1997 Nissan Pathfinder. My dad calls it the Blackfinder.

Pop Quiz!!

Surprise! It's a pop quiz on facts about JewBoy and Schnoozle. Since it's an activity that's about facts....I thought up a new word, yup, a Factivity. Today's factivity will be a crossword puzzle.


Here goes: (click on puzzle for full size, or to print)

If you think you've solved it, send your answers to jmail119@gmail.com. You can email for hints too if you want.

Good Luck!! Answers will be posted tomorrow.

MicroMydeas

So as you know, I always have crazy ideas. From the ridiculous FlatuScents to the actual decent ideas like Windshield Scripers. Tonight is gonna be a list of MicroMydeas. These are quick ideas that I haven't taken the time to think through fully, or diagram out thoroughly. They'd just things I think should exist and it makes me think, "Why not?" I leave it up to you, faithful reader, to tell me which ones to pursue.


MicroMydea 1:

So I saw a survey on Facebook today that said... "Which energy source do you think should be pursued?" Wind, Solar or Hydro. I thought to myself, why do I have to pick only one?
Why not cover windmills with solar panels. They're outside all day and already have generators feeding some kind of battery, why not make them useful if it's not windy. Duh.


MicroMydea 2:

Every night that we cook, we have to clean. I hate it. My wonderful food coma is ruined by the thought of having to clean up. The stove and microwave are two of the most annoying. (Despite Schnoozle's efforts, I still have a bad habit of not covering things.) How come the oven has self cleaning but nothing else does? Really, no one has thought of this? We have robot vacuums and floor cleaners. There's even self cleaning showers and toilets, and no one has found a better way to clean the microwave or stove. What the hell?


MicroMydea 3:

Parallel parking is a pain in the ass. Some car companies have tried to make it easier, but they still haven't found a good, cost-effective way. Why don't they just make a car where all four wheels can turn the full 90 degrees. That way, the car could just pull in sideways. Just put a small electric motor on one of the wheels or something. It'd be so easy, even an Asian could park with ease. (No offense Schnoozle, but your people aren't exactly known for their parking skills) Plus, it'd be a lot faster. On top of that, the cars could park closer together so there could be more spots on a street. Awesome.


MicroMydea 4:

How come no one has found a good way to make food alcoholic? I would love to get wasted off a slice of pizza or have a great burger buzz. I realize alcohol is a liquid, but I want someone to find a way to make it in a powder or something that you can add to food. All the fun without the added calories and trips to the bathroom you get from all the drinks. I'll open up the first restaurant to feature alcoholic food. The InEatBriated Cafe. All the Drunk with none of the Drink.

Cheers!

A Slippery Situation...

So as I mentioned in More Einsteins, I spent 7 years working at the worlds greatest grocery store, Wegmans. Think I'm exaggerating (about it being the best, not the 7 years) ? Pick up a copy of this month's Fortune magazine and check out the #5 best company to work for. I'll give you a hint, it's not Safeway, Albertson's, Tops, Lund's or Byerly's. Nope, they didn't even make the list. The next closest chain is Whole Foods at a distant #22, unless you count Nugget Market (Whatever the hell that is.) at #10. It was Wegmans baby. I couldn't be more proud.

You are probably imagining Wegmans as a spectacular wonderland of exquisite food and household supplies. A place where the aisles are paved with gold and the shopping carts all roll perfectly straight. You couldn't be closer to the truth.

Everyday at Wegmans is perfect. The Ahi is perfectly seared, the produce is unbruised and ripe, the bread's hot and crusty and the milk and eggs are so fresh, the cows and chickens don't even know they're gone.

Well, except for one day...

Like I mentioned, I was one of the managers at the store. Whenever there was a problem, the cashier would turn on their light and I was the guy wearing a tie that would come over to fix it. Well one day one of the cashiers turned on her light. I looked over and she was waving frantically to me to come over. I walked over and got about halfway through "What can I do for..." and then I saw it, all over the floor in the register aisle. An old man had a complete diasaster. Apparently while waiting in line, he crapped his pants, paid for his items and walked out the door. He had no idea it even happened. I quickly closed down the register and blocked both sides with the wet floor cones. I called maintenance and they came over and prompty cleaned up the mess. Well, not quite promptly enough. Apparently, while the register aisle was the epicenter of the "assplosion*", there were some "aftersharts*". These aftersharts left a couple wet spots on the floor past the register on the way to the exit. In the approximately 30 seconds it took the maintenance man to get there and clean it up, (yes, only 30 seconds, I'm telling you, everything about that store was a model of efficiency and excellence) a woman walking by the back of the register on the way to the exit slipped and fell.

Click on diagram below for detailed view:





This alone would have been bad enough. (Of course when I say bad, I mean hilarious.) Unfortunately, anytime a customer slips of falls, a formal report has to be created. I of course, having witnessed the incident first hand had to document this.

Anyone who has ever seen the movie Porky's will vividly remember the scene where Ms. Ballbreaker asks for a penis line up to identify the boy who was spying on the girls shower. My co-worker and I had a similar experience while trying to document and explain to the store manager how a customer had an accident and slipped and fell in the "accident" of the other customer. Keeping a straight face was nearly impossible.

Glossary:

Assplosion: Anytime a bowel movement uncontrollably exits an individual with extreme force.

Aftershart: The residual and less intense wet flatulence that follows the initial assplosion.

Imerginary Ideas...

So a while back I heard a funny story that Pepsi and Pfizer were working on a deal to merge. Their product would be a highly caffeinated citrus beverage that cures impotence. It's name of course would be "Mount and Do".

That got me thinking about some other unlikely mergers. I call them Imerginary Ideas. In other words, imaginary mergers that I'd love to see.

Here's a few:

What if Pfizer and Metamucil worked together to create a single wonder drug for older men that cures impotence and constipation? They could call it "Easy Come, Easy Go". Guaranteeing a fantastic evening for a "regular" guy.


How about if Victoria's Secret and DSW merged? They could create a mega store called "Breast Foot Forward". Specializing in Jugs and Uggs.

What if the Catholic Church bought the national chain of children's pizza and video game restaurants? "Chuck E. Jesus....Where a kid can be....." Hmmmmm, on second thought, that could be dangerous.

And finally...What if Dell stopped using outsourced Indian companies for technical support and instead hired strippers? Their extended service plan could be..."Dell Platinum Support...The Best In Laptop(less) Service".

Any ideas from the peanut gallery?