Jewbonics-A Primer...

I have always found language interesting. Not so much different languages, but the variations within one language. For example, if you ask someone in California what they call a sweetened carbonated beverage, they would say "Soda". Ask the same question in the mid-west and they'll say "Pop". Upstate New York, they'll call it "Soda Pop". A small area around Boston will call it a "Tonic". Anywhere around Atlanta will call it a "Coke"-regardless of flavor, Coke-Coke, Sprite-Coke, Orange-Coke...whatever. There's many more of these and if you're interested in learning more, check out this page. It's a great collection of regional pronunciations and names for things.

This brings us to today's topic:

Jewbonics- A Primer.

I'm sure many of you are familiar with Ebonics, the name for inner city slang primarily spoken by African Americans. Jewbonics is a similar phenomenon. While several Jewish words have become fairly ubiquitous in the English language, (Schmuck, Putz, Schlep and Schmutz...to name a few) Jewbonics isn't just about the words, it's much more than that. Jewbonics deals more with sentence structure, strategic placement of words, tone...and of course, passive-aggressive guilt. Let me explain...

We'll start with sentence structure. Jewbonics is actually kind of similar to how Yoda speaks from Star Wars. "Strong, with him, the force is." is a great example. Here's how it works with Jewbonics.

Example 1: Describing a girl.

Normal- "She is a smart and nice girl."

Jewbonics- "Such a nice girl she is...and smart too!"


Now let's move on to word placement, tone and the passive aggressive guilt.

Take the word "Maybe". On its own, it's perfectly harmless. "Are you going to the Party?" "Maybe." However, "Maybe" is one of the most cruicial words needed to Jewbonify a sentence.

Example 2: Your mother would like you to take out the garbage.

Normal- "Can you take out the Garbage?"

Jewbonified- "I thought maybe, you could take out the garbage?"

Notice what's happened here. The word "maybe" has been stuck right in the middle of the sentence. By doing this, it's almost as if the asker has challenged your ability to take out the garbage. Also, technically this is a statement. But, when delivered, the word "garbage" finishes with a higher tone (along with a raising of the eyebrows) making it a question. Go ahead, try it. You'll be amazed at how Jewish you sound. Also, by saying maybe, it adds the all important guilt. It's subtley saying "after all I do for you, how could you not do me this one small favor". It's really quite brilliant.


Another crucial word in Jewbonics is "Should". It's plays a similar role to "Maybe" by adding that sense of doubt...and of course guilt.

Example 3: A father comes home late from work to find that his family has eaten without him.

Normal- "I'm upset that you ate without me."

Jewbonics- "All day I work hard to put food on this table...And for this, I should eat a cold dinner?"

Notice there are a lot of the same themes; sentence structure, making a statement a question, the word dinner, (and the word I) of course would be spoken with a higher tone and raised eyebrows, etc. You can see why the word "should" is important. It's similar to the use of the word "maybe" in the previous example, but in this case, there is no doubt. He won't "maybe" have a cold dinner, he knows he will. Therefore, "should" is the appropriate word to use here, as he is challenging the reason why he is having a cold dinner, not if.


Finally, we'll discuss a more complicated example. This involves some of the strategies from above but adds the classic Jewbonic exaggeration.

Example 4: A child is treating her mother disrespectfully.

Normal- "That's not an appropriate way to speak to your mother."

Jewbonics- "9 Months I spent throwing up 4 times a day, and I should be treated like this? I thought just once you could show maybe a little respect?"

See how it all comes together?

So there it is, your first primer on how to speak Jewbonics.

After I spent so much time writing this post, I thought since you're already at your computer, you could maybe leave a comment? And would it kill you to click an ad once in a while?

The 100 "Daler" Blog...

I'm back!!! I know it's been a while, but this post is a very special occasion and I had to make sure it was worthy. For those of you that have been following closely, you may realize that this is my 100th post. A sort of goal I had set for myself before I started all this. So, for the 100th post, I wanted to make sure that it was something truly fantastic. Fortunately, this weekend I had an experience that was absolutely 100th blog worthy. You're in for a treat....

Here goes:

About 10 years ago, I came across this video on the internet. Over the years it has become an internet sensation with over 9,000,000 views of just this one version. Some of you may have seen it, but for those of you that haven't you MUST watch it.



It's absolutely incredible isn't it? Hilarious. The costumes, the catchy tune, the music, and of course, the star: Mr. Daler Mehndi himself. Click on his name for some background info. He's pretty much the Justin Timberlake of India...an absolute Pop music sensation...idolized by millions. Seriously. It quickly became a favorite of my editor (Balls) and mine. We learned the song, we learned the dance, we loved it. When Schnoozle went to India, she brought me back Daler Mehndi CD's. It's on every iPod playlist I have. Ok, you get the point...we're a little obsessed.


So, what does this have to do with me, JewBoy? I'll tell you.

This weekend, Schnoozle and I went to DC for two weddings. The first wedding was for a girlfriend of hers from college. The man she was marrying comes from an Indian family. After the traditional Sikh ceremony on Friday, they had a huge party at the groom's father's house. Easily 200+ people. The entire basement was finished off as a bar and had to be at least several thousand square feet. It was a house party like I have never seen before. Live DJ, lights, food, food, food, some more food, Drinks (Including a custom made dispenser for the 2 gallon bottles of Johnny Walker Black that was flowing like the Nile) and of course dancing. Lots and lots of dancing.

The House: (Ignore my crappy merge of the two pictures, it was too big to fit in one picture)



Yeah, wow. And that's just the back of it.



Now, on to the best part of this post. Pictured here is one of the groom's relatives that was attending the party. Look like anyone you know?



About halfway through the evening (about 2 hours into the blasting Punjabi dance music) I felt it was appropriate to make a request for Tunak Tunak (the Daler Mehndi song from the video above). What did the DJ tell me? You guessed it, our Tourquiose Turbaned friend had just requested it...and it was coming on next. I had been waiting 10 years for this day. The day that would have the opportunity to show off my Daler Mehndi dancing skills. My day had finally come. Among 200 cheering Indians I got to perform Tunak Tunak, with what can only be Daler Mehndi's long lost identical twin brother. Now, you may ask, why is this 100th blog worthy? Well, I'll tell you. It's cause I have the whole thing on video. It's shitty quality, but I swear to you, that's me on the left. And yes, at approximately 49 seconds, I bust out the "thread the needle and pull it through" move, Twin Daler sees me, recognizes my skills and follows along. Unreal. It goes from there and the rest you can see for yourself.

Here it is:



As if that weren't enough, the following night they had their "big wedding reception". Yeah, the previous night's party was just the warm up. The "big wedding reception" was for 450 guests at a Marriott. Yes, 450...not a typo. It was absolutely rocking. Music blasting, lights flashing, the floor was actually bouncing from all the dancing. About 10 minutes after we got there, guess what song they played? Yup, Tunak Tunak. But this time there was a bonus. Apparently Twin Daler has a brother, Twin Twin Daler. It was a double dance off. The two Dalers (As seen clearly at about 55 seconds) went nuts and danced to the song. I, of course, was right behind them busting out my Indian dance moves. And yes, I have that video as well.

Here it is:



Yes, two Dalers, dancing together. Quite possibly one of the greatest moments of my life.

Here's a few more pics for fun:

Dancing with Twin Daler:



The heat is on and the jacket is off...


Twin Daler Round 2:


Don't forget Schnoozle:




The house from the front....It changed colors:






Happy 100th Post to you Blog.

Several Strategies of Successful Spouses and Significant Others...

So as I come up on my 8th month of marital bliss, I find myself a much wiser man, with respect to women and relationships. I feel it is only fair to pass on this acquired knowledge to you...my loyal readers. Like my previous post about the mighty mammaries, I'll be speaking from the man's point of view. Here's what it boils down to: I think relationships have three distinct stages. The first stage I like to call Datopia. (Day-Toe-Pee-Uh) This is essentially when a couple starts dating and everything seems just perfect...a dating utopia. No matter what the activity is, both people agree to do it and have (or in some cases, pretend to have) a fabulous time.

The second stage I call Datfiance. (Date-Fy-Ence) This is when the man starts openly showing his lack of enjoyment of the activity in a defiant manner. For example, during Datopia the man will appear to show genuine interest as his significant other picks out clothes. He may even say things like-"Yeah, those pants look nice, I like the shirt too". Once he has entered Datfiance, as soon as they enter the store, he makes a B-line for the "Man Chair" that every women's store has just outside the dressing room. He openly refuses to assist with the shopping and has no remorse about showing his complete lack of interest. He passes the time by playing on his phone while babysitting the collection of shopping bags from the previous stores.

The third and final stage I refer to as Datvoidance. (Date-Void-Ence) Knowing what the activity involves, this is when the man "nips it in the bud" and flat out refuses to participate. For example- Her: "I'm going to the mall, are you coming?" Him: "No."

Unfortunately, Datvoidance isn't always an option. This is where today's lesson begins. These are my suggestions for how to best manage the Chicktivities (Common activities that chicks try to rope men into) that most men have no interest in. I'll list them by Chicktivity and the type of girl typically guilty of it.

1. The Bookstore- A favorite pastime of the Bookworm chick. This chicktivity involves spending countless hours walking around the bookstore looking at and buying books that will no doubt end up on the bookshelf unread like the 5 books she bought the last time you went there.

How to handle it- Most bookstores have an "Art" section. (I know what you're thinking...just stay with me.) The art section is divided into many categories. In most large bookstores, one of these categories is photography. While color pictures of naked girls in magazines is considered porn, (and usually sealed in those annoying plastic bags) black and white pictures of naked girls in hardcover books is Art. Jackpot! Sure, they're a little artsy-fartsy and you'll probably have to deal with the occasional hairy arm pitted naked chick that looks like she has squirrel's tail in a leg-lock. But, it sure as hell beats standing there while she thumbs through the latest novel from the author that wrote "The Devil Wears Prada". You get to thumb through the books where the chicks wear nada.

2. Reality TV- There's a lot of chicks out there that are reality TV junkies. If your girl is one of them, I got you covered.

How to handle it- There's no shortage of reality TV crap out there. Your strategy is to get her hooked on the right one. My suggestion, "The Girls Next Door". This E! series focused on Hugh Hefner's recent trio of blondes. That's right, behind the scenes of the playboy mansion. Sounds pretty good huh? There's a catch though...DO NOT WATCH IT ON E!. Those bastards censor all the good stuff. Pony up the $5 and rent the DVD's...they are uncensored. She gets all the reality TV she wants and you don't have to deal with the blurred out boobies and bootys. That's right, the DVD's show it all...and there's lots of it.

3. Shoe Shopping- I still haven't been able to figure out this obsession, but for some reason it seems to run rampant among most females. This really is one of the most painful of all the chicktivities.

How to handle it- It's time to call in the big guns. Get your girl a gay boyfriend. He's your pinch hitter for this, the most excruciating of the chicktivities. Every girl needs a gay boyfriend. Sure, hanging out with the girls is good, but that isn't always an option. With the gay boyfriend, she gets the feeling of being with a man, but with all the benefits of a girl...and there's no threat to you. Shoe shopping? He loves it. But it doesn't stop there. Her favorite musical comes to town...Hugh Grant has a new movie out...The local museum is doing an exhibit of fashion through the decades? Guess who'd love to take her? I'll tell you who, her gay boyfriend. All you have to do is pay for the tickets. She'll think you're so sweet for finding something she'd enjoy doing and you get to stay home on the couch keeping your balls adequately scratched. It's win-win.


Have a chicktivity you're struggling with? Feel free to ask my advice in the comment section.

Oh yeah...and click on the advertisements. After I gave you such valuable knowledge, it's the least you can do.

Mammary Mythbusting...

This post is dedicated to something near and dear to all our hearts (and especially near to the women's hearts). That's right, Boobs. I will once and for all "lift and separate" what's factual and what's ficTITious about these bouncy, buxom beauties.


Myth- "More than a handful is wasted."

False. Who came up with this line of crap? Wasted? Are you insane? Clearly this idea was invented by one of two people. It was either a flat chested chick trying to make herself and the rest of the No Titty Committee feel better about themselves, or it was a man who was never introduced to one of the greatest pastimes of all, Motorboating. Motorboating, for those of you that don't know, is the act of placing your face between a voluptuous set of boobies, then putting one hand on each, pressing them against your face and vigorously shaking your head from left to right while exhaling through your mouth. The sound made is similar to that of a motorboat engine....hence the name.

Myth- "If you've seen two, you've seen them all"

False....so, so, so very false. As one of my coworkers once so elequently put it. "Boobs are like snowflakes, they're all different and all beautiful in their own special way." I couldn't agree more. Whether big or small, round or flat, perky or saggy, the never ending variety of boobs has been separating men from their $1 bills and kept more single mothers employed than any other naturally occurring phenomenon.


Myth- "Men get tired of boobs."

False. Let me explain how this works. Imagine if you will, a typical man. He wakes up in the morning right before the sun comes out. He goes to a beach where he sits in a comfy lounge chair. It's important to note that this is a topless beach. In addition to that, it happens to be the most popular topless beach in the whole world. Oh yeah, and no other men go to it except for him. He sits there until the sun goes down watching an endless parade of beautiful topless girls walk by, play volleyball, splash around in the water and apply lots and lots of sun tan lotion. When it gets dark out, he packs up and heads home. On the way home he stops at the grocery store to pick up a couple of things. While standing in line at the register, the women in front of him wearing a V-Neck shirt turns around (now facing him) and leans over to remove an item from her shopping cart. I guarantee that he will do everything in his power to sneek a peek down her shirt. Why? Because it just never gets old.

Myth- "She's got fake boobs."

False. People say this all the time. I stand by the following statement: If I can touch them, they're real. I would however, accept the following terms for surgically altered boobs.
-Aftermarket
-Store Bought
-Bolt Ons
-Implants

Additional terms may be left in the comment section.

Myth- "Those boobs are too big."

True. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate hefty rack as much as the next guy. However, with all things, there is a limit. Let's just say, if your bra and your husbands suit jacket are the same size, (46L perhaps?) it's time to get those babies taken in a little.




Note: No, those are not Schnoozle's boobs...Even I know better than that.

And The Oscar Goes To....

ME!!!

Ok, maybe not. The absence of my recent blogging is about to be explained. Over the past few weeks I have written, directed, produced and even acted in my first real short film. This past week I was away for my company's annual sales kick off in lovely Detroit. My boss thought it would be fun to put together a short film that highlighted our company's product in a fun and entertaining way. Naturally, he came to me for my creative expertise. Together, with the help of some of my awesome friends, we wrote, filmed, directed, produced and even starred in the film. Our company's senior management loved it so much that they played it at the kick off on a giant screen in a huge room with over 500 people in the audience. They had us stand up when it was over and the crowd cheered and applauded. It was absolutely Awesome!!!


So? Do you want to see it or not? Click the link below to watch it on youtube. I strongly encourage you to click the HQ on the bottom right of the video window to watch the high quality version of the film. Also, you can click the button next to the HQ button to make it fill your whole screen. Here's the link!

Overview: Anyone who has worked in or with a large corporate IT department will get it. It's meant to show how awesome my company's product is and what it can do for you.

Note: The film is a fairly large file and may take a few minutes to load in youtube. Be patient, it's worth it.

Let me know what you think!!!

"Boyle" the Ocean...

So unless you've been living under a rock for the past week or so, you've heard the name Susan Boyle. If you haven't, you absolutely need to watch this video. Even if you have seen it, hell, watch it again, it's good. She's become an international sensation. The video has been watched over 19 Million times on Youtube and the Facebook page created for her has over 700,000 members. She's pretty much a big deal and I think will continue to be one...Unless of course the whole thing is a hoax. I'm not saying it is...I'm just saying that it could happen. Anyway, in keeping true to my greedy nature, I'm trying to find a way to also benefit from her newfound success. People love to advertise things that they like. Don't agree? Go drive around any neighborhood. It's halfway through April and people still have their Obama/Biden signs up. Yeah, we get it, they won. This is one of the ultimate forms of Showvoting. 6 months after the election and you're still bragging about how your candidate won. Assholes.
Well, I think people are gonna want to show the world that they too, are rooting for Susan Boyle. I figure with 700,000 fans on Facebook, at least 1% would want to endorse her in some way. That's 7,000 potential customers. So, I came up with this great T-shirt. I figure I can make a profit of at least $5 a shirt. That's a quick $35k. Not bad. I could do more, but I don't want to "Boyle the ocean". Baby steps. If you've watched the video (like I told you to) you'll get it. If you haven't...Duh, watch this video.

Here it is: Let me know how many you'd like...

Copyright JB enterprises. ©

$$Cha-Ching!$$ And if you think she doesn't support me...I disagree. When I ran the idea by her, she sent me this:

Two thumbs way up. How could anyone not love this woman?

In the meantime...keep clicking those ads!!!!

Thinking Outside the Box...

Some of you that attended our Jewsian Fusion wedding may remember the wedding cake cookies that my mom made. Well, she's at it again. She made some pirate shaped cookies for the birthday party of the son of a friend of hers. Here's a picture of the prototype cookie that she sent to me:

Pretty cute huh? I think so. Yes, I mentioned to her that a real pirate wouldn't be smiling, but this was a specific request from the mother as she didn't want them to scare the children. Fair enough.

Hopefully by know you're wondering where the hell I am going with this story...well here it is.

There is one minor detail I have purposely omitted. My mother does not own a digital camera. She also does not own a cell phone with a camera. This puzzled me, so I asked her...

JewBoy(11:42:25 PM): how did you get a picture?

Mom (11:42:38 PM): what picture?

JewBoy (11:42:43 PM): that you sent of the cookie

Mom (11:43:02 PM): Now don't laugh. I put the cookie on the printer (Note-when she says printer, she means the flatbed scanner part of the printer/copier/scanner)

Mom (11:43:11 PM): face down

Mom (11:43:35 PM): that is why it is a little smushed

How awesome is that? Normally I pick on my Mom for her lack of technological prowess. However, this time, I was very impressed. Using only the limited resources available to her, (The combo printer-copier-scanner I got her for Hanukkah one year) she came up with a clever way to obtain a digital picture to email to her friend. Good for Her! Apparently, along with insanity, technical ingenuity is also inherited from your children.

In case anyone finds themselves in a similar predicament, she sent me the following tips to pass on. I'd like to think they're common sense, but I've lived long enough to know that anytime you think something is idiot proof, someone goes out and manages to be a better idiot.

Hi JewBoy,

Just a couple notes in case you blog about my cookie pictures. There are a couple rules people should follow for scanning cookies.

1. Frosted cookies need to be frozen first or else the frosting gets all squished and messy.

2. Put the cookie very gently face down on the printer, and put a piece of paper over the back for a background.

3. Do not close the lid all the way or cookies will get mashed down. Hold the lid up a little until the scanning is over.

4. Remove cookie and wipe the screen thing so there is no greasy frosting left.

5. At this point you can either put cookie back in freezer, or just eat it.

Love, MOM.

So there it is. I'm hoping she didn't learn any of those rules the hard way. :-)