6 words...

Schnoozle received a book from my mother for Christmas/Hanukkah called "Not Quite What I Was Planning", Six Word Memoirs... Essentially a number of writers were asked to to sum up their life into six words. We thought this was a pretty neat concept and definitely recommend the book.

I've decided to take that a step further and write my own 6 word memoir...for other people.


Here is a totally random list I just made up in no particular order. I even added some pictures to make it more fun.



Amy Winehouse- "Maybe I Should've stayed in Rehab"




Jon Stewart- "I look like who? Who's JewBoy?"

My Dad- "Funniest Middle Aged Jewish Accountant Ever"

Oprah Winfrey- "Thin, Fat, Thin, Fat, Who cares?"



Hugh Heffner- "Best life ever, Thank you Viagra"

My Sister- "Not my fault, he did it"



Schnoozle- "What did I get myself into?"

Osama Bin Laden- "Current worldwide hide and seek champion"

My Neice- "I learned it from Uncle JewBoy"

Vanilla Ice- "One hit wonder, ice melts fast"



My Mom- "JewBoy, JEWBOY! Get down from there"

George Washington- "One Cherry tree, get over it"


Every catholic priest- "Worst typo ever, should say celebRate"




I think that's enough for now, I could go on and on. Ok, one more...

_____ posted the best memoir comment

So, who's it gonna be?

You know IT...

This blog goes out to all of my readers with jobs that have something to do with IT. If you think the word I just wrote was "it" with a typo, you're the kind of person I will be talking about...well, picking on really. The rest of you know I meant IT, as in Information Technology. Computers, cell phones, software, engineering, car navigation systems, whatever. From the person that works at best buy, to the person that does circuit development for cell phone microchips and everything in between we all share the same pains.

Here's a list of some of those pains:

You are tech support (TS) for your entire family and their friends (F&F). This is especially painful when working with people that know as much about technology as Orthodox Jews know about the deliciousness of pork products. Mmmmmmm, bacon. Typical conversations may include the following dialog... TS- "Is the monitor on" F&F-"What's the monitor" TS-"The screen" F&F-"Oh, you mean that TV thingy" TS-"Ugh, yes...the TV thingy"

Your parents and grandparents have absolutely no idea what you do at work, no matter how long or detailed your explanation. If anyone asks them what you do, the answer is always the same "He works with Computers".

As Tech Support, (and usually free tech support) no matter how much time you spend cleaning up and fixing their computer that was either broken or riddled with viruses or spyware, if there is even one icon in a different place when you are finished, they will be angry and unsatisfied with your work. This, of course, is if you are even able to repair the catastrophic damage they have caused by years of misuse. If it can't be fixed, (without major upgrades that will undoubtably cost more than the current value of the computer) you are forced to accept the "Hmmmmph, I guess you're not such a computer hot shot after all" look that they will inevitably give you before telling you they will just have the 8 year old boy next door fix it since he's "really good with computers".

You receive IM's like this:

AuntBubbie:Dear JewBoy, It was good to see you
guys the other night. I'm glad that you were both
able to come for dinner. It's always so nice to have
the two of you here. You really are such a lovely
couple. We look forward to seeing you two again
real soon. Love, Aunt Bubbie
JewBoy:Thanks, we had a good time too
JewBoy:We'll have to do it again
AuntBubbie: That sounds good. We can do it
next Thursday. Your uncle's bridge game was
cancelled so he will be home. I can make soup with
the little noodles that you like. Love, Aunt Bubbie


So I say to all of you...Don't do it! Let them call "Steve" (who we really know is Gujara Rajenabar) at Dell Tech Support and have them try to figure it out. It'll save you the headache. Or, to avoid the problem completely, you can proudly wear this shirt....

P.S. No Joke, while typing this blog (and just about finished) I received a phone call from a F&F that "their wireless internet wasn't working and they wanted me to fix it". My response, "I didn't know you had wireless" F&F- "I don't, it's the neighbor's." Me- "So you want me to fix the internet that you are stealing from your neighbor's house" F&F- "Well it was working earlier...nevermind."

The Way I Am....Part 2...

So let's start with a little housekeeping. First of all, you'll notice there's a new layout. I tried the black background but it bugged me when I read it, so as you can see, it's gone. This one should work for now.

Let me also take a minute to comment on "The Way I Am" blogs. These are not intended to pick on anyone except me. The point is to explain how I became the way I am. My sense of humor, my lack of a verbal filter, my immense knowledge of useless trivia, it all came from somewhere. I mean honestly, how many of you could have the conversation with your mother like the one I had last night? I have pretty much no verbal filter because we've always been able to talk about anything. She can ask me why I didn't want to go out with Shayna Bagelstein from hebrew school in 7th grade and I can tell her it's cause she had a fat ass and pit stains on all her shirts. Perfectly normal conversation for us, no one gets bent out of shape and it's all good. My vast knowledge of useless trivia?...That's from all the books she read to and bought for me. Uncle John's big bathroom reader was one of my favorites and I highly recommend it to everyone. I can say with almost 100% certainty that I am the best adult male gymnast in just about every business meeting I have because she schlepped me to gymnastics 3 days a week for 8 years. You get the idea.

Now on to my wacked sense of humor. I think my dad is to thank for this. I think the best way to describe it is mildly offensive leaning heavily towards inappropriate.

Here's a few examples:

Exhibit A: I went to visit him in Palm Springs, CA during college. It just happened that several of my female friends were there the same week. We all went out to dinner and one of the girls made the mistake of asking my dad his absolute least favorite question....
"Don't you miss the change of seasons?" (Now just as a note, my dad spent most of his adult life in Rochester, NY. It gets about 60 days of sunshine a year and several feet of snow. Palm Springs on the other hand gets about 340 days of sunshine and Zero snow. So needless to say, there's not much to miss.)
So on to his response. He looked at her and without missing a beat asked her- "If you only had 4 periods a year instead of 12, would you miss the other 8?" As you can imagine, her jaw dropped, but she somehow managed to respond with..."Wow, ok...I get it." Pretty much the last thing you'd expect to hear from a middle aged jewish accountant the first time you met him, but a perfect example.

Exhibit B: My dad and I are walking around the Wal-Mart in Palm Springs, CA. (this was prior to Schnoozle working for Target, so it was ok...sort of) It was a saturday afternoon, so it was fairly busy. We got up to the registers and of course there were only a few open and all had long lines. My dad looks around and then blurts out "Jesus Christ, isn't there a 5 Mexicans or less aisle somewhere?"

Exhibit C: My dad, his wife and my grandma and I are all sitting in a deli ordering dinner, probably a nice pastrami sandwich and maybe some soup. I look up and see an older woman walk in with what had to be the biggest fupa I had ever seen. My dad looks up and notices too, he turns to me and says, "Holy shit, it looks like that lady's ass is on backwards"

So there they are, the roots of my useless trivia knowledge, my lack of a verbal filter, my superior gymnastics skills (I have videos to prove it), and of course my sense of humor. Put them all together and you get the lovely gentleman I've grown up to be...just like the lady in the deli, normal in most respects, but definitely a little ass backwards.

Why I'm the way I am...Part 1...

Here's an excerpt from an IM conversation I had with my mom tonight. My comments are highlighted in yellow.

The Big M: HI

JewBoy: hi

The Big M: HOW IS TONIGHT'S BLOGGS COMING {Backspace key must be broken, errors never fixed, tends to yell a lot}

JewBoy: haven't started yet

JewBoy: no ideas

JewBoy: did you read last nights

JewBoy: about the chicken

The Big M: YES i MADE A COMMENT DID YOU SEE IT? {Caps Lock on explains the small “i” and all the yelling}

JewBoy: oh ok, that was you

JewBoy: yup

The Big M: YES BIG M IS ME

The Big M: ANYTHING ABOUT AIRLINE TRAVEL? {an idea for a blog post}

JewBoy: hmmmm

JewBoy: I had some ideas

The Big M: OK

JewBoy: but nothing blog worthy

The Big M: WHAT ABAOUT WEATHER PROBLEMS {another idea}

The Big M: OR SPORTS NUTS {wtf is a sports nut, another idea I guess?}

JewBoy: is your caps lock stuck?

The Big M: opps sorry {I knew it}

The Big M: I loved lasat night's blog

The Big M: commercials n TV? {another idea perhaps?}

JewBoy: extreme skinners?

The Big M: all meds advertised have more and worse side effects than the disease they are treating. I liked the extrememe Skinners. sound good to me {another idea}

JewBoy: you should start a blog

The Big M: men taking Viagara seem to be very good dancers

The Big M: is the side effect you can dance even if yo never danced before?

The Big M: they are alwasy dancing {another idea and a good point, does the horizontal mambo count as a dance?}

JewBoy: blog it

The Big M: I will leave it to you. I don't think I would be a good bloggest {Bloggest is a synonym for blogger, also means “The most blog”}

JewBoy: maybe

The Big M: here is an idea. about sizes of things. ,em's {men’s maybe?} underwear rarley comes in small( probably condoms don'ts either. (a man's thing) or olives medium, large and colassal. coffees large granda etc {backspace key clearly still broken}

JewBoy: again, you should write a blog

JewBoy: you have lots of ideas

JewBoy: its very easy

The Big M: womens underwear, petite, small. can you see a man asking for a petite condom

JewBoy: not likely

The Big M: how about colored condoms. manly blue or soft pink? I don't really know about them, but I thnk they come in colors and flavors too. you could do a great blogg on that {gross}

JewBoy: maybe I'll write about all your great ideas

The Big M: that would be very flattering! {careful what you wish for, heh heh heh}

JewBoy: we''ll see

The Big M: so is there anything new ?

JewBoy: not really, had a business dinner tonight so I am stuffed

The Big M: what did you eat?

JewBoy: so no problem with me using your ideas on my blog? {thought I’d sneak this in there, so I have proof of consent}

JewBoy: wings, spicy green beans, soup, dumplings,

The Big M: not at all. I won't even charge you. {and there’s my consent and it's free too….score!}

JewBoy: ok, I"m gonna use it, I gave you fair warning

The Big M: I love spicey freen beans {I should really fix that backspace key for her}

The Big M: Ok but if it is rated "r" son't put me in any footnotes or quote me

JewBoy: no no, I"m saying it's you

JewBoy: that's the best part

The Big M: not about condonms ..please!!

JewBoy: too late, you mentioned it

JewBoy: it's fair game

The Big M: remember I have pictures of you dresses as strawberry shortcake...{ahh, blackmail…dirty}

JewBoy: I think it will be titled, "Why I'm the way I am...part 1"

JewBoy: A typical conversation with my mom

The Big M: oy vey!! {Jewish for Oh Crap!!}

The Big M: just be sure to state that I have only heard that cndoms come in colors and seen on tv the adds for viagara.

JewBoy: ok ok

JewBoy: I have enough

JewBoy: I"m gonna start writing

The Big M: O get first refusal right?

The Big M: I

JewBoy: nope

The Big M: why not?

JewBoy: I am the writer

The Big M: and I am THE MOTHER

JewBoy: we'll see

The Big M: ok

The Big M: I am here

JewBoy: ok it'll be a while

The Big M: I will be here

JewBoy: ok

The Big M: let me know when it is done

JewBoy: ok {ok}

Is it all starting to make sense now? Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow.

Don't Stop...The Eating...Hold on to that feeeeeeeeeling...

So my muffin tops have completely exploded from the pan and will need take some serious effort to combat. As if that weren't bad enough, I had to wait 10 god damn minutes for a cardio machine at the gym today. Yes, we have entered Dateuary, the first couple of weeks of the new year where everyone still writes 2008 on everything and made "resolutions" to lose the weight from the two week binge-fest of the holidays. The good news is that it usually only lasts a few weeks and they all go back to their normal lard loving lives. Good. The fatter they stay, the better Mydea will work out.

In case you haven't noticed, food over the years has gotten less and less healthy. Look at the commercials on TV. Theres, the Baconator, 8 slices of bacon, 4 slices of cheese and two burger patties. That of course is always accompanied by a large fries and sugar filled soda...and eventually a Lipitor. Then there's the Outback Steakhouse Aussie cheese fries with ranch dressing appetizer. This pre-meal fat-fest packs over 2,900 calories, and 182 grams of fat. Even if you split it with three friends, you've already consumed an entire dinner's worth of calories before you even start your entree. Oink. As terrible as all this sounds, people are eating it up. (Pun very much intended)

This brings us to Mydea. Where will it stop? Food's getting worse and worse and I'm gonna jump on that sagging axeled band wagon and come up with this...

Popeye's (or KFC's, whoever bids higher for the idea) Extreme Chicken Skinners. That's right, just the best part, the skin. Here's how I envision the commercial-



Announcer: NEW! Extreme Chicken Skinners. That's right, the best part of the chicken now comes as it's own meal. We take the chicken, cut it up, bread it, fry it, then peel off the skin, throw out the meat and bones and pile it high. Dip it in one of our new crazy dippers- Cajun butter sauce, lemon garlic lard sauce, or zesty bacon ranch.

Got EXTREME HUNGER? Make it an EXTREME MEAL! Add a side of our Corn Dog Shells with Mac-N-Cheese dipping sauce, or our gravy smothered, double battered fried American cheese sticks. WOAAAAHHHHH!!!!


Laugh all you want. I know I will....all the way to the bank.

Home(less)boy Stole My Joke...

So we've all been there. You're walking down the street and sure enough some homeless person hits you up for money. Sometimes they have a story, sometimes they have a sign, sometimes they just have a cup they shake. No matter how they do it, I rarely give them anything. (Big surprise I'm sure) However, there was one occasion that for some reason I was feeling slightly generous. I was in Kansas City and just walked out of a nice restaurant onto the street, carrying a bag with some leftovers in it. It was about 4 degrees outside and very windy. A man approached me and asked if I had any spare change. He was physically disabled and using crutches to walk. My sympathy overpowered my cheapness and I said, "I don't have any change, but here, have some dinner." He looked at me and said "What is it?" Somewhat taken aback, figuring anything would be better than stumbling around homeless in the freezing cold, I said, "It's chicken and some pot stickers." He mulled it over for a second and said, "Yeah, OK." took it and hobbled off. I got to my hotel and quickly called my buddy to tell him about the situation. His response was "Tell me you said it". "Said what?", I asked. "Said, Beggars can't be choosers" he replied. I stopped, it was the perfect response, and somehow I didn't think of it. Dammit.

Fast forward about a year or so. I'm in San Francisco out to dinner with some co-workers. I tell them the story of the guy in Kansas City and how I've been waiting for the perfect opportunity to use the beggars can't be choosers line. Unfortunately, every time I have leftovers, I don't see any homeless people, or, if I see homeless people I don't have any leftovers. One of my co-workers didn't finish her pasta and said I could take it in hopes of tonight being the night I could use "the line". We walked out of the restaurant and sure enough, a guy walked up and said that he was $3 short of having enough money to get a room for the night and he didn't want to sleep outside. It was the perfect chance. I said, I don't have any money, but here, you can have some dinner. He accepted the bag and said, "Oh, thank you, I appreciate it, I'm pretty hungry.....but I could still use some money". I said "C'mon, I just gave you some good food and you're still asking for more?" His response was "I know, I'm sorry man, I'm sorry, I do really appreciate it." Then he paused and said "After all, Beggars can't be choosers". I stood there awestruck. The homeless guy stole my joke. I was finally in the perfect spot to use it and he outwitted me. Needless to say, all my co-workers found it to be hilarious and threw him some cash. He hugged us all and went on his way, somehow now able to find a hotel for the night in San Francisco with what looked like about $7. I thought, $7 for a hotel? Wow, more witty and even cheaper than me? Finally, a worthy rival. I'd call him out any day for a battle of wits and frugality, but you know what they say, people with houses shouldn't throw stones.

Five Seven Five...

L'Shana Tovah, Shin Yin Kwai La and of course, Happy New Year!

So we made it to DC. The 50 MPH gusts made for a particularly unpleasant landing, but none the less, we made it. The party was a blast. One of the most memorable parts occurred around 2 AM, when for some reason people decided to write Haikus.

The topics included, overheard conversations, Asian boobs, White boobs, Jewish boys, levels of sobriety and of course, the recession. I thought I'd share them with you.

Here they are, respectively:

Sucking or Blowing
You were talking 'bout music
I meant oral sex

Asian boobs are great
White girls just cannot compare
High beams always on

White girls boobs Hell Yeah!
Can't lift with your small chopstick
Padding not needed

Jew boys are the best
Never pay full price again
Kosher sausage great

You say you're not drunk
Your elephant impression
Tells me otherwise

'09 can't be worse
There is no more money left
401K gone


Here's one more, not from last night, but just as a bit of housekeeping.

Blog has new design
Now old people can read it
Without seeing spots