The Halfs and Half Nots...

Tonight's post is a little long, so get comfy...

So it was a big day today. We "half" a new president. The biggest deal of course, is that he's the first black president. Well, sort of. Technically, he's only half black...which is why he is frequently referred to in the media as "halfrican". (A non-derogatory word describing anyone who has one black parent) I feel like calling him black is like calling Brunch- Breakfast or Lunch. Yeah, it's sort of right, but it's just not the same. Brunch is so much more than just breakfast or lunch. It's this delicious meal where you can sleep in, then wake up and have eggs, bacon, french toast, coffee, macaroni and cheese, roast beef, chicken wings and fancy desserts all at the same buffet. Oh, how I love Brunch. Anyway, I digress...I give him lots of credit, he's worked hard, he's smart, a good speaker and my former roommate who's locker was next to his at the country club in Chicago says he's a real nice guy. He's walked into quite a shit-storm, but continues to be inspiring, positive and committed to making change. I wish him the best of luck, he'll need it.

Obviously I'm all for ethnic integration, look at Schnoozle and me. What would happen if we had a child (no, we don't have any plans to do that anytime soon, if ever, so stop asking) and it grew up to be president. Would it be the first Jewish president or the first Asian president? Could it be both? Would that be double dipping? So many questions...

So all the events of today made me think of other well known "half and halfs". Some of them have risen to greatness, like Obama, and some of them, well, not so much. I call them, The Halfs and Half Not's. Here goes....


We'll start with "The Halfs"...

The Knork: Half knife, half fork, all genius. While similar to the spork, I purposely picked this one instead. While the spork is excellent, (and found pretty much only at KFC) it doesn't free up a hand. Knife and forking requires two hands. With the knork, your non-dominant hand stays free to hold a book or newspaper open, or even use a phone. It's a triumph in efficiency.

The Arnold Palmer: Half iced tea and half lemonade, all delicious. Tea too plain and bitter? Lemonade too sweet and tart? No problem, this is the perfect solution. Cool and refreshing all while being not too sweet or too bland. This is a hole in one.

The Futon: Half couch, half bed, all business. I don't think I know anyone who didn't have one of these at some point during college. The futon is also affectionately known as the "Flip-N-Fuck" for it's tendency to host a variety of hook ups. Overall, it's the most cost effective way for a struggling college student to be able to sit and watch TV but still host the occasional freeloading house guest. Awesome.

Boxer Briefs: Half Boxer, Half Brief. The comfort you want with the support you need. It's like a sports bra for your testicles.

2-in-1 Shampoo/Conditioners: Half Shampoo, Half Conditioner. I did extensive calculations and added up the time it takes in the shower to get wet, wash your hair, rinse, condition, rinse, then wash your body and rinse. A 2-in1 can provide up to a 17% reduction in shower time. At an estimated 7 minutes a shower, that's a little over 1 minute saved per shower. That's almost a whole alarm clock snooze per week. Brilliant.

Reeses Peanut Butter Cups: Half Chocolate, Half Peanut Butter, totally decadent.
Dear Mr. Reeses,
You Rock!
Love,
Everyone without peanut allergies.



Now for the Half Nots...

The El Camino: Half Car, Half Pickup Truck, completely stupid. Found in overgrown front yards of trailers everywhere. Note to the Subaru Baja, you should have known better.


The Mullet: Half Business, Half Party. Usually found attached to the head of El Camino drivers. We can thank Billy Ray for this gem...and for Hannah Montana. Someone please add "Crippling kick to the groin of young Billy Ray" to Marty McFly's to do list.

The Keytar: Half Guitar, Half Keyboard, completely 80's. I'm guessing Keytar Hero won't be found on video game store shelves anytime soon.

Rupaul: Half Man, Half Woman, maybe. Whatever happend to this train wreck? Has she been officially replaced by the pregnant man? Sachet, Shonte...Go Away...and stay there.


Stay tuned for tomorrow's edition- Half and Half Mydeas.