If you've ever watched any of the shows on TV where a new couple is house shopping, there is one thing that always happens without fail. They walk into the house, the girl looks around, comments on the carpet, the woodwork, the kitchen and all the other details. The guy always has one comment. "That's where I'd put the big TV". I'm no different. The first thing I bought when I moved to Minneapolis was a big TV. I named it Stevie. Stevie the TV. 42" to be exact, from Costco of course. Why Costco? Costco had the lifetime satisfaction guarantee. That means if for any reason, I became unhappy with the TV, I could return it for the full purchase price, no questions asked. Well, about 3 months after I bought the TV, they canceled that policy. Anyone who had purchased a TV was "grandfathered" in for one exchange. I knew that my use of the plan would have to be very well calculated as I only had one chance. Then it happened. About a year later the 50" version with all the new bells and whistles went on sale. I knew this was my chance. I told Schnooz that I was going to upgrade. She kind of shook her head and mumbled something about the fact that the existing TV was way too big for the room and me being retarded. I'm not sure exactly what she said since all I could think about was the new bigger TV and mostly because I wasn't really listening. I packed up the old TV, threw it in the back of the big car and off to Costco I went. I brought it in, told them that I moved the furniture around and now the TV was opposite a wall and had a bad glare. The new model had an anti-reflective coating so I wanted to get that one instead. They didn't even flinch and handed me a fistfull of cash. I got the new TV (Stevie II), put it in the car and headed back home. Mission successful. In fact, it's probably one of the best deals I've ever pulled off....next to my Northwest Airlines scheme...but that is for another day.
Stevie the TV is heavy. It weighs about 1.3 Schnoozles. (Note: A Schnoozle is a unit of weight measurement I have developed that is equal to the approximate weight of Schnoozle. For example, I weigh about 1.5 Schnoozles and a case of beer weighs about 0.2 Schnoozles.) There was no way that I could carry it up the stairs myself so I asked Schnoozle to help me. We got it upstairs and I started to open the box. That's when it all began. Schnooz saw the size of the new TV and began to flip out. It kind of went something like this..."That TV is way to big...blah blah blah...There was nothing wrong with the last one...It's too big for our little living room...blah blah blah...and some other stuff." All I could think was, I can't wait to see how great it looks. The TV came out of the box and after some more verbal abuse, I convinced her to help me lift it onto the table. Big mistake. We each grabbed an end started to lift. I got my side up, but Schnooz was struggling. Finally she blurted out, "DOWN, down, put it down". It was one thing for her to think that a new TV was stupid and a total waste, but, when her pride got hurt cause it was too heavy for her to lift, she pretty much went off the deep end. We put the TV down. Schnooz looked up at me, red faced and yelled "FU&K THIS!" and stormed off to sit at her computer desk. So now I'm in the living room, alone, with a giant TV on the floor. Great. I tried lifting it up a couple of times but no luck. Now, an important point here is that Schnooz's desk has a perfect line of sight to the living room. So, she can see me struggling. I wasn't about to give her that satisfaction, so I put the TV's box up on its side in the doorway to block her view. Haha! Take that! After many unsuccessful attempts, my engineering prowess came through and I figured out a way to get the TV on the table. TA DA! I hooked it all up and sat on the couch. Wow, it really was big for the room. Then I thought of a trick. I moved the bookcases over a little and slid the couch back, so it wouldn't look as big. From the couch I yelled, "SCHNOOZ!!!, COME IN AND LOOK". She begrudgingly walked in and sat down.
Think of everything you know about math and time. Now think about what the absolute smallest measurable amount of time could be? A millisecond, a microsecond, nanosecond maybe? Well take the smallest amount, then cut it in half. That's about how long it took Schnooz to realize that I had moved all the furniture to make the TV look smaller. My brilliant plan was exposed. Dammit. Schnooz- "You moved the furniture, it's still too big, you're an ass"
I looked at her and said, "Here's the deal, there's pretty much three things in this world that can't ever be too big. You have two of them, I have one, and the other is staying right there on the table." Somehow, Stevie II and I managed to live through that comment and that day.
Isn't he handsome?
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9 comments:
That doesn't look too big to me, at least in the pic. But then again, I'm a guy, there's no such thing as too big a screen =)
ahhhh...I love that story. Gets better every time I hear it.
Did you hook up the Nintendo so you could have giant Mario again?
if you give Schnoozle binoculars and have her look through the big ends, the TV will look farther away and therefore be just the right size for the room.
And you say I am not good with math
the big M
LMAO - thanks - been there done that
He is handsome.
All that clutter on each side of the TV sure must be distracing when you are trying to watch something.
OMG J.Dogg, I totally lucked out reading this blog cause I was privy to the whole...Costco blah blah when you got Stevie I. We were at the roller dome like the night after you got it and you and Grace talked about damn Costco all night. That's hilarious! Glad ur enjoying Stevie II. And I sort of agree. TV's can't be big enough, but breasts? Maybe. :)
hahaha very funny Jason.
I bought a 73" TV and thought it was perfect but after watching I got a headache the same way you do when you sit too close in the movie theater. But after a week I got used to it.
So even if u you dont move the furniture she'll get used to it.
~Karl
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