If It Were Up To Me...

After yesterday's filth, tonight will be a cleaner post.

I think we've all been there. You're in a situation and you think to yourself, "If it were up to me..."

Well here's how some things would be if it were up to me.

1. All spoons would have a rubber squeegee edge on one side. That way I could get all of the ice cream out of the bowl.

2. All car doors would slide open like mini vans or Lamborghini's. Door dings really piss me off.

3. Toilet paper would be banned and replaced everywhere with the far superior wet wipes. Thousands of years of civilization and no one has found a better way to wipe your ass than a wad of thin dry paper?

4. Car stereo stores would run a permanent sale. Buy 2 or more sub-woofers, get a free vasectomy.

5. Pizza, nachos and bacon would have the same nutritional value and be just as healthy as spinach, carrots and bananas...so I would have no muffin tops.

6. Wegmans would be a national chain..no, an international chain...no, an intergalactic chain.

7. Airplanes would have a small section of seats surrounded by soundproof glass. That is where all passengers under the age of 10 would sit.

8. You would never be able to see a Starbucks while in another Starbucks.

9. Towels around the waist would be mandatory in every men's locker room when doing anything besides showering. If men want to shave, brush their teeth, make phone calls and talk to people naked, they can join a nudist colony. No one wants to see old hairy balls.

10. Internet access would be blocked for all Nigerian royalty.


11. The Adventures of JewBoy and Schnoozle would win the Bloscar (Oscar for blogs) for best blog ever.